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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 12:05 PM
  #1
One thing I've noticed many times in my sessions with my counselor is that she starts a subject, for exemple about what she did in the weekend and when I comment on that, she doesn't respond back!

This is an exemple of a dialogue with her:

She: "I was in the forest with my dog and I brought a backpack with me. I had some coffee and I sat in the sun, it was all quiet."
Me: "Oh, that sounds cosy, it's nice to be in the forest, being able to reflect upon things and to find a nice spot for some sunlight."
She: Silence and then mentioning something else.

The natural thing had been to say something like "yes, it really is" or if she disagrees say something like "no, I don't like to reflect upon things in such a way" or whatever she might think.

She does this all the time and I find it rather weird. It's like she thinks of what to say next instead of listening to what I say and then comment on that.

I've noticed this behavior in others as well, I comment on what they tell me but they don't comment back. Then why should I even bother?

My counselor very seldom follows through on any subject but goes from here to there and doesn't listen to what I actually tell her. I find those people preoccupied by themselves, it's very common to comment on what people tell them by mentioning sometime about themselves.

My counselor isn't a therapist and I can't discuss this from a therapeutic view and I can't criticise that much either. But I do wonder why she acts like this.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 01:53 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahSweden View Post
One thing I've noticed many times in my sessions with my counselor is that she starts a subject, for exemple about what she did in the weekend and when I comment on that, she doesn't respond back!

This is an exemple of a dialogue with her:

She: "I was in the forest with my dog and I brought a backpack with me. I had some coffee and I sat in the sun, it was all quiet."
Me: "Oh, that sounds cosy, it's nice to be in the forest, being able to reflect upon things and to find a nice spot for some sunlight."
She: Silence and then mentioning something else.

The natural thing had been to say something like "yes, it really is" or if she disagrees say something like "no, I don't like to reflect upon things in such a way" or whatever she might think.

She does this all the time and I find it rather weird. It's like she thinks of what to say next instead of listening to what I say and then comment on that.

I've noticed this behavior in others as well, I comment on what they tell me but they don't comment back. Then why should I even bother?

My counselor very seldom follows through on any subject but goes from here to there and doesn't listen to what I actually tell her. I find those people preoccupied by themselves, it's very common to comment on what people tell them by mentioning sometime about themselves.

My counselor isn't a therapist and I can't discuss this from a therapeutic view and I can't criticise that much either. But I do wonder why she acts like this.
heres a thought.. many times therapists will start a conversation and wait for the client to take it from there...

example of my therapist and I using your example...

my therapist..."I was in the forest with my dog and I brought a backpack with me. I had some coffee and I sat in the sun, it was all quiet."
Me....Oh, that sounds cosy, when I go in the forest I like to find a nice spot for some sunlight. sometimes I sit there and write, paint or just reflect on things.
my therapist.... what do you like to write about or paint?

see with my treatment providers no matter which one they are and which type of treatment provider they are, they open a conversation and its up to me to center in on me and what I do that relates to their topic.

thats what therapy is usually about.. its not about my therapist or other treatment providers issues/ problems and so on. Im in therapy to work on me so when they open a conversation no matter how they do it, I relate their opening to me and what I do.

maybe next time your counselor opens a topic you can take and run with that topic based on something that you do or have done, you have felt or feel about it applied to you. that might, just might turn the situation into a more positive thing for you. its your session so how do these broad topics apply to you and your life kind of thing.

just an idea.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 02:04 PM
  #3
I HATE when people do that!!! I chalk it up to a passive-aggressive personality and just plain poor social skills.

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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 02:46 PM
  #4
I wonder if she is like that suddenly because of the death of a family member.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 03:33 PM
  #5
Thanks. My counselor isn't a therapist and I don't see her for therapy but more of "supportive chats".

It doesn't matter if I steer the conversation towards something that has happened to me, she doesn't comment more by me doing that. She doesn't ask that type of questions as you mention in your example as she isn't a therapist. I though find it strange strange that she can't show more interest in what I tell her and she often doesn't follow up on my comments either.

If she had been a therapist I'd really ask her why she just keeps talking about random and often shallow things without digging deeper. But as she isn't one I have to just stick with her as I can't switch to someone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandalouise View Post
heres a thought.. many times therapists will start a conversation and wait for the client to take it from there...

example of my therapist and I using your example...

my therapist..."I was in the forest with my dog and I brought a backpack with me. I had some coffee and I sat in the sun, it was all quiet."
Me....Oh, that sounds cosy, when I go in the forest I like to find a nice spot for some sunlight. sometimes I sit there and write, paint or just reflect on things.
my therapist.... what do you like to write about or paint?

see with my treatment providers no matter which one they are and which type of treatment provider they are, they open a conversation and its up to me to center in on me and what I do that relates to their topic.

thats what therapy is usually about.. its not about my therapist or other treatment providers issues/ problems and so on. Im in therapy to work on me so when they open a conversation no matter how they do it, I relate their opening to me and what I do.

maybe next time your counselor opens a topic you can take and run with that topic based on something that you do or have done, you have felt or feel about it applied to you. that might, just might turn the situation into a more positive thing for you. its your session so how do these broad topics apply to you and your life kind of thing.

just an idea.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 03:36 PM
  #6
Yes, it's plainly irritating and you don't expect that from someone who meets with clients all day long. Within our mental health care system it's though common with people lacking skills in how to counsel and talk to patients.

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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
I HATE when people do that!!! I chalk it up to a passive-aggressive personality and just plain poor social skills.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 03:43 PM
  #7
Thanks. Unfortunately no, she's always been like this but when I began seeing her I didn't notice it as much as now as I then thought it was just a phase when we got to know each other better. But now after seeing her for more than two years I understand she is not that knowledgeable nor interested in her patients.

As an example she told me she thinks relational problems should not be a matter to talk about within our public health care. Probably she thinks much of what I tell her are issues she sees as not suitable for public health care. Perhaps because she personally doesn't know how to talk about such issues with patients.

I think it could be why she's often so uninterested in what I tell her.

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Originally Posted by Shotokan View Post
I wonder if she is like that suddenly because of the death of a family member.
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 03:14 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by SarahSweden View Post
Yes, it's plainly irritating and you don't expect that from someone who meets with clients all day long. Within our mental health care system it's though common with people lacking skills in how to counsel and talk to patients.

I apologize, I came off as so intense. I had just finished a conversation with a friend who does that thing of bringing up a subject then not following up, leaving me feeling awkward and ignored.

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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 05:07 PM
  #9
Sarah, maybe something is being lost in translation, but it sounds as if you begrudge her sunshine. As is she has some special access to it that you dont. As if you are either being sarcastic or trying to pick a fight. Is that what you want her to respond to, those types of feelings on your part? If so, you may try saying so directly, instead of passive-aggressively, which leaves the interpretation open and the meaning unclear.
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 05:50 PM
  #10
Why would I be sarcastic or try to pick a fight just by commenting they way I described I did? I just commented to what she said in a kind manner, it's not in any way offensive or passive aggressive to tell her it sounded nice for her to be in the forest with her dog.

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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Sarah, maybe something is being lost in translation, but it sounds as if you begrudge her sunshine. As is she has some special access to it that you dont. As if you are either being sarcastic or trying to pick a fight. Is that what you want her to respond to, those types of feelings on your part? If so, you may try saying so directly, instead of passive-aggressively, which leaves the interpretation open and the meaning unclear.
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 07:00 PM
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Sarah, maybe something is being lost in translation, but it sounds as if you begrudge her sunshine. As is she has some special access to it that you dont. As if you are either being sarcastic or trying to pick a fight. Is that what you want her to respond to, those types of feelings on your part? If so, you may try saying so directly, instead of passive-aggressively, which leaves the interpretation open and the meaning unclear.

Come again?

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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 07:00 PM
  #12
Well first of all I think one doesn’t need to be a therapist to have a conversation with people or be understanding. It’s not unique quality that only therapists posses. She should be able to have a decent talk with you.

As about this particular conversation maybe I am just not understanding. She said she liked to be in a forest on a sunny day. You repeated back to her that it’s nice to be in a forest on a sunny day. What else was she supposed to respond with? Repeat back same thing that it’s nice to be in
a forest? In my opinion this conversation is over and going on and on about it would be a complete waste of time, pointless small talk. What’s the use? Maybe that’s why she said nothing back? Because there is nothing to say?

Now if you want this conversation to continue or have some meaning, you’d have to switch it to talk about you. It’s your session. “I myself can’t stand forests, I can’t stand quiet”, “I love forests but wish I had someone to go with”, “do you think I’d benefit from getting a dog? Going to forests?” Etc etc

These sessions are supposed to be about you. Not about what she likes to do. She brings it up perhaps to open a conversation with you so you can share back.. Even friends when have a conversation don’t just repeat what the other person said. You either share something about yourself or ask them follow up questions. You don’t just repeat to them what they just said and expect them to keep going back and forth about same thing. But for sure your counseling sessions are about you
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 07:11 PM
  #13
You dont hear a difference between how you responded and how amanda responded?

To me, your response closed down the conversation, by saying yes how nice. That indicates you are not interested in further discussion. Because the only thing the other person can say is, yes its nice, again.

Amanda took it as an opportunity to talk about herself. Which is how it was meant, for you to talk about doing a similar activity, or a different activity, or a similar venue, or a different venue. "I prefer the beach" or whatever.
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 07:15 PM
  #14
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Come again?
Hopefully my next post explained. I am a victim of gaslighting or scapegoating, so yeah i have a suspicious mind when people are being "nice".
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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 12:46 AM
  #15
After posting here at PC for several years I see there are mainly two different kind of answers to posts:

1: Answers that in different ways question if she situation really was how the OP described it. Often the forum members defend what the therapist or counselor did or said and tries to find reasons to why the OP:s view isn't valid.

2. If the OP wants to discuss how treatment isn't working the standard solution is in more or less every thread that he/she should switch therapists. If the OP doesn't straight away say that he/she will try to switch, that's also met with questioning.

Very few times I see genuine understanding about how the OP felt in the situation that's presented. It's often about the relation to the therapist in some form.

The answers are often much more about trying to prove how another view is more correct or adequate than the one which the OP presented. It's a bit like all those therapists who stick to their methods and who refuse to adapt to their clients. Even if the client tells how he/she experiences things the therapist does in some situation, it's still the therapist who chooses what the "correct" interpretation is.
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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 01:22 AM
  #16
I am sorry you have not yet found anyone like-minded to yourself as yet. I agree it is difficult. It is easier to see where we disagree than it is to find the rare and tiny intersections where we may overlap in interest or inherent affection or talent.

That is to say, i am sorry if you have not yet found a friend here. I like to think of my fellow pc-ers as friends - with many benefits, and not too many demands.
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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 06:16 AM
  #17
I don’t see it that way. There are many all kinds of different posts on here. In most situations people want to help. Help might come in form of advice or validation but it depends on the situation

I don’t think it is as much about how therapist is wrong and clients are right or the other way around. If you want your sessions/conversations/communication skills to improve and if you want to grow as a person, some suggestions offered might be helpful. But you don’t have to take every or any suggestions

Do you find that people in real life are as unhelpful to you, don’t connect, don't click , don’t understand you etc the way you see it on PC? Or are people in real life more understanding?
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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 08:32 AM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahSweden View Post
After posting here at PC for several years I see there are mainly two different kind of answers to posts:

1: Answers that in different ways question if she situation really was how the OP described it. Often the forum members defend what the therapist or counselor did or said and tries to find reasons to why the OP:s view isn't valid.

2. If the OP wants to discuss how treatment isn't working the standard solution is in more or less every thread that he/she should switch therapists. If the OP doesn't straight away say that he/she will try to switch, that's also met with questioning.

Very few times I see genuine understanding about how the OP felt in the situation that's presented. It's often about the relation to the therapist in some form.

The answers are often much more about trying to prove how another view is more correct or adequate than the one which the OP presented. It's a bit like all those therapists who stick to their methods and who refuse to adapt to their clients. Even if the client tells how he/she experiences things the therapist does in some situation, it's still the therapist who chooses what the "correct" interpretation is.
For me, therapy is normally about looking at my reaction to things and figuring out if my reaction to people (my therapist included) is accurate or just my perception. Often my perception is off because of my trauma history.

Kind of like the concept of if I see somebody walking down the street and they do not acknowledge me. My first thought is they must hate me, the don't want to associate with me, they are afraid other people will know we are friends, etc. When in reality it could be a whole host of other things such as. The other person is depressed and does. oy want to talk to anybody, they may have been looking at something else and did not see me, or have an ear bud in and listening to something and unaware of their surroundings.

My instincts come from my sever abandonment issues. Having people point out the other possibilities can be helpful in helping me realizing I am falling into my negative trap of taking everything personally.

So when I am thinking of other possibilities here it is. not to negative the OPS thoughts and feelings but to offer other options to a painful situation.

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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 04:29 PM
  #19
Sarah, I reread your response to her. I think your response was a very nice closure to what she said. You agreed with her and added your thoughts. I hope you don't find what I am stating offensive. I just think she may have thought that enough was said because you added your beautiful thoughts to what she said.

Last edited by Shotokan; Mar 10, 2021 at 05:19 PM..
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Default Mar 11, 2021 at 05:06 AM
  #20
I really don't see why people are framing it as 'couselor was trying to get Sarah to share back and instead she said smoething that inadvertently closed off further conversation'.

If I want someone talk about themselves, I ask them a question or otherwise signal that. Not start talking about myself and expect them to be obnoxious and make it all about themselves. Of course, in therapy / counselling such behaviour from the client would be healthy rather than obnoxious. Even so, it should be the therapist / counselor's responsibility to tailor her communication to the client's needs, not the client's to override their natural reactions to that communication.

If the counselor wanted to get Sarah to share back she could have made that clear to begin with, or could have gotten curious about any element of her response. I don't see how it was bound to be the end of conversation. If she dropped the subject instead and moved on to something else, that tells me she had no other intention than making random smalltalk.
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