[estraven]

This is my first post and I just want to babble. If it goes against the rules I apologise, I didn't see anything against it.

It seems that, after a great deal of anger against my psychiatrist (which isn't really a therapist, but works kinda like it) I want nice and warm relationships with him now.

I got pissed at his treatment when I was in the low point I arrived. And after becoming stable enough to confront him I directed a harsh and sometimes offensive written explanation of what I thought was wrong.

The anger subsided. The reason for the anger is still justified. However, after verifying that all was not, at least, lost, and after dropping all that anger, I felt hopeful. I could talk with him, and he satisfied the minimum condition for honest dialogue.

I was quite happy, indeed, and couldn't help but yearn for talking with him after that.

He, aloof as his usual, only demonstrated discomfort when he crossed his arms when I apologised for the unnecessary insults in a session. I didn't offend too crudely, but I was very strict I my language and did attack him on a few occasions.

I don't think he fully understood what was wrong in his approach, and I believe some of the things are too near unethical behaviour, if they aren't already. But this also means my criticism and anger are not being put in complete context.

Since I only showed hostility, and since, after observation and his answers, I saw there is worth in him as a professional, in the last session I ended up saying that my view of him "isn't completely negative". Which isn't the full picture, but is the truth.

My problem now is that I don't want that hostility to completely erase cordiality among us. He is professional, and I don't believe will purposefully show any discomfort, if this is in his control. I could try to ease things, but I don't want to inadvertently dismiss my previous complaints, and I don't really enjoy the idea of purposefully "easing" things, as it might sound manipulative.

But I miss the (slight) warmth there was sometimes. (Moreso when he decided to make online sessions due to covid, recently, which are colder in nature). And also fear the little esteem he may have had doesn't exist anymore because of that.

There's something to be said about online sessions with him. They aren't fully disadvantageous, because it seems we both are closer to our truer selves. But it's almost indifferent.

Now I'm brainstorming a way to reach that cordiality I have longed for. I don't know what to ****ing write (my capacity of expression is quite different in person, and my brain doesn't work very well on demand).

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to blurt.

[Amyjay]

Hmm, that is a tricky situation. Often when people feel judged and insulted and held in a negative light by someone it is very difficult for them to feel "warm" towards the person that has insulted them. Even in professional relationships.
I can hear you say you want them to feel warm towards you rather than indifferent though. It sounds like this person anticipates further attack by you.

[blubbbrabbel]

Hej estraven,
nice to have you here! I want to start with saying: I feel you! I had ups and downs with my therapist. And looking back I think it was a good thing. Because it helped me learn to express my views, instead of drawing away as I used to. It may sound strange. But it is like "learning" what it is like to be close to someone and to dare conflicts. I used to be conflict avoidant, because I felt I had no right to criticise or that it was not worth it to stand up for my view. And now I can dare to confront not only my Therapist, but also other people in my life.
I used to feel so anoyed, when my Therapist would allways try to find the hidden link to our relationship. And yes, more often than not, I still dont see any connection. But it so worth to talk about how we feel and what we want! And what is going on, also in therapy.

So, my first impulse would be: Dare to talk about it!

Dont worry too much about any faults you may have done. Therapists have to put up with this. It is their job. Sometimes they tell us, what we dont want to hear and we get angry. Other times they expect too much of us too soon. And it is a good thing, when you can talk about it!

Therapy is hard work! I wish you all the best! Tell is, about your next session.

[estraven]

Yes, I know it is difficult to maintain empathy for someone who offended you, even when you understand where they are coming from.

It could be that he anticipates attacks, and could be that he have became just indifferent or annoyed.

I'm at an odd position. On one hand, I believe my reaction was expected, and my perspective isn't wrong. I didn't offend out of cruelty, but because I was, myself, offended, and believed my situation was cruel. On another hand, from the moment I saw that he was willing to truly and honestly talk I saw a way out, and that alone erased a great part of the anger. Not only that, but I observed things that are commendable and for which I'm grateful.

He isn't a complete jerk and isn't an idealized professional. I believe most of what happened was out of ignorance, although one detail stands doubtful.

I desire, now, to reach at least a neutral place. He offended me, I was willing to try to understand his position. But whether he will understand or accept my position is something I have no control of.

... and thus I've reached a situation where I'm looking for a way to recover a neutral ground.

The only solution I find is be frank and fully explain my point of view, including both the negative and the positive perspectives, but I fear that is... manipulative in some way. And don't really and to do this to "get it from my chest", but to try to reach mutual understandment at the least.

This reply is probably more than you asked, though.

[estraven]

Thanks for the message, blubbbrabbel.

It wasn't something said, but rather something done, but I'm considering your message either way. It's good to get some encouragement sometimes.