What things have you asked that your T said no to?

ArtieTheSequal · Mar 20, 2021 at 05:50 AM

My t is certified in sand tray therapy among other things so I used to do sand trays often. One time I asked her if she would do a sand tray with me. We very briefly talked about it, she understood that I was not asking her to do a sand tray herself but that I was inviting her into my sand tray world. Which is honestly what I was doing, like, I wanted to have a conversation in the sand, not just me 'talking' to her through the sand. She didn't directly say no, but pushed it off to some unknown future session and every time I brought it up, she'd continue to push it off so I finally figured out that was her gentle way of saying no and so I eventually stopped asking.

I still on occasion feel sad and hurt that she won't.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 20, 2021 at 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I can’t believe he didn’t tell you that from the start. Was he somehow ashamed to admit it? His back must be really bad for him to not want to stand up.

I don't know--could be he was ashamed, as he's an athlete. I think at that time he was trying to avoid disclosing much personal information? That's changed quite a bit in the past year or so.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 20, 2021 at 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

Wow he said no to a hug, but hugs other clients? That sounds hard to understand and painful. I’m not sure what you meant by hypothetical, did you mean the image of it? I’ve had the image of a hug In my head and have found the image helpful.

This reminds me of when I made a comment to ex-T about how she doesn't hug clients, and she said that she does hug some. I eventually asked her why she didn't hug me, and she said it was because I had maternal transference. So it felt like she was punishing me. She eventually started allowing occasional hugs, but it was a year or two later, I think.

ScarletPimpernel · Mar 20, 2021 at 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

Did it hurt when she said she didn't love you? That would have devastated me. It was courageous of you to ask.

Hurt like hell! I bawled. Still hurts, but it's more of a sting now. What it did teach me is that she will always be honest with me. I'd rather honesty than love, but both would have been nice. I know she cares very much for me. After 4 years of session and still being there for me even though I switched to L, she has proven she's not going to abandon me. Again, for me, that's greater than love.

Brown Owl 2 · 01:32 PM

Reply to Lonesome Tonight:

When I read that I thought: ouch.

*Beth* · Mar 20, 2021 at 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Hurt like hell! I bawled. Still hurts, but it's more of a sting now. What it did teach me is that she will always be honest with me. I'd rather honesty than love, but both would have been nice. I know she cares very much for me. After 4 years of session and still being there for me even though I switched to L, she has proven she's not going to abandon me. Again, for me, that's greater than love.

I can imagine how you felt! It seems she could have been more tactful. Something like, "I have a type of love for all of my clients." Something more than just a cold "No."

I'm glad you're with L now.

Amyjay · Mar 21, 2021 at 04:55 AM

T said no to beginning EMDR for trauma processing. Lots of times. She keeps saying I am not ready.
I don't really ask her for anything to do with her.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 21, 2021 at 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

I can imagine how you felt! It seems she could have been more tactful. Something like, "I have a type of love for all of my clients." Something more than just a cold "No."

I'm glad you're with L now.

Or even to say something like "I don't use the word 'love' with clients, but I care about you very deeply." Which I'm sure would still hurt, but to at least explain why she said no.

ScarletPimpernel · Mar 21, 2021 at 10:39 AM

T did clarify that she doesn't use the word "love" with clients, but that she cares very much for me. I apologize that I didn't clarify that. Her answer was no, and she gave that explanation. Still hurt(s). L says T loves me in her own special way.

Mar 21, 2021 at 10:43 AM

We do not have regularly scheduled sessions. We meet when we can both make time in our schedules. There have been plenty of times when I have had a break in my schedule and I text her to ask if I may come today and she has said no she couldnt do that day. It is always difficult to hear. But she is just very busy as am I. So I understand. But there are times it is hard to wait. In the past six weeks I have only spent one day with her. That makes it difficult to hold everything in.

Brown Owl 2 · Mar 21, 2021 at 11:38 AM

Hi Rive, I’m still not able to send you a pm. Just wanted to explain why I didn’t send you one.

coolibrarian · Mar 22, 2021 at 09:04 AM

There are a few things my T has said "no" to:
--She refused to open a toy box in her office. LC wanted to see what was in it.
--She used to refuse to tell me where she was going, whether on vacation, to visit family, to a conference, etc. Now she mostly tell me.
--Once I asked her if she loved me and she replied, "Don't you know?" I know it, but I would like her to actually say those words to me.
--I asked her if we could be friends after termination, even a very long time after termination and she said no, she didn't know how it would work. I understand that, but it still hurts. But we are both poets and see each other from time to time at poetry events. Plus, I gave her a copy of my first book, and she gave me a copy of hers (Mine was published first, lol!) with a really nice inscription.
I ask for hugs very rarely, even though I always want them. When I've asked her for one, she always complies.

Brown Owl 2 · Mar 23, 2021 at 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

We do not have regularly scheduled sessions. We meet when we can both make time in our schedules. There have been plenty of times when I have had a break in my schedule and I text her to ask if I may come today and she has said no she couldnt do that day. It is always difficult to hear. But she is just very busy as am I. So I understand. But there are times it is hard to wait. In the past six weeks I have only spent one day with her. That makes it difficult to hold everything in.

That sounds hard, but am I right in thinking that you are so secure in the relationship you’re disappointed, but your relationship with your T is unaffected?

Brown Owl 2 · Mar 23, 2021 at 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

There are a few things my T has said "no" to:
--She refused to open a toy box in her office. LC wanted to see what was in it.
--She used to refuse to tell me where she was going, whether on vacation, to visit family, to a conference, etc. Now she mostly tell me.
--Once I asked her if she loved me and she replied, "Don't you know?" I know it, but I would like her to actually say those words to me.
--I asked her if we could be friends after termination, even a very long time after termination and she said no, she didn't know how it would work. I understand that, but it still hurts. But we are both poets and see each other from time to time at poetry events. Plus, I gave her a copy of my first book, and she gave me a copy of hers (Mine was published first, lol!) with a really nice inscription.
I ask for hugs very rarely, even though I always want them. When I've asked her for one, she always complies.

I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t let you open the toy box? Seems to me that the toys could help to access childhood emotions?

LonesomeTonight · Mar 23, 2021 at 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t let you open the toy box? Seems to me that the toys could help to access childhood emotions?

That struck me as odd as well.

coolibrarian · Mar 25, 2021 at 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

That struck me as odd as well.

I suppose I could ask her, when I see her next week.

Ginger Mary · Apr 01, 2021 at 06:23 AM

I'd love a hug from my pdoc but can't get myself to ask for fear of being rejected. And I guess actually if it's so important to me that in itself is a good reason for her to say no. And then to dive into my attachment issues. I don't think they want to encourage to much attachment.

Brown Owl 2 · Apr 01, 2021 at 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ginger Mary

I'd love a hug from my pdoc but can't get myself to ask for fear of being rejected. And I guess actually if it's so important to me that in itself is a good reason for her to say no. And then to dive into my attachment issues. I don't think they want to encourage to much attachment.

I can identify with the fear of the request being rejected as the feelings that have come up for me we’re very painful. The way I see it is that if it’s so important to you, that’s a reason why the T should definitely say yes to you, it would bring good feelings, and you would feel respected. I don’t know if they can discourage or encourage attachment by doing so, I think the attachment you have is there anyway.

coolibrarian · Apr 08, 2021 at 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t let you open the toy box? Seems to me that the toys could help to access childhood emotions?

I asked her about this. She said she didn't remember why she said "no." She seemed to agree with me when I suggested that maybe, at that time, long ago, she was still quite psychoanalytic/Freudian in her methods. She agreed with me that maybe if I had been allowed to see the toys, some childhood stuff might have come up.

Brown Owl 2 · Apr 09, 2021 at 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

I asked her about this. She said she didn't remember why she said "no." She seemed to agree with me when I suggested that maybe, at that time, long ago, she was still quite psychoanalytic/Freudian in her methods. She agreed with me that maybe if I had been allowed to see the toys, some childhood stuff might have come up.

Sounds like you had a good discussion about it. Also sounds like the T had no idea of the possible impact of her having said no to your seemingly benign request.

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Brown Owl 2 Member Member Since Sep 2020 Location: Scotland Posts: 147 3 9 hugs given	Mar 20, 2021 at 10:47 AM #25 Reply to Lonesome Tonight: When I read that I thought: ouch. Last edited by Brown Owl 2; Mar 20, 2021 at 01:32 PM..
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Amyjay Magnate Member Since Mar 2017 Location: Underground Posts: 2,439 7 692 hugs given	Mar 21, 2021 at 04:55 AM #27 T said no to beginning EMDR for trauma processing. Lots of times. She keeps saying I am not ready. I don't really ask her for anything to do with her.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,405 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,399 hugs given	Mar 21, 2021 at 10:39 AM #29 T did clarify that she doesn't use the word "love" with clients, but that she cares very much for me. I apologize that I didn't clarify that. Her answer was no, and she gave that explanation. Still hurt(s). L says T loves me in her own special way. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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Brown Owl 2 Member Member Since Sep 2020 Location: Scotland Posts: 147 3 9 hugs given	Mar 21, 2021 at 11:38 AM #31 Hi Rive, I’m still not able to send you a pm. Just wanted to explain why I didn’t send you one.
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Ginger Mary Member Member Since Oct 2010 Location: South Africa Posts: 85 13 3 hugs given	Apr 01, 2021 at 06:23 AM #37 I'd love a hug from my pdoc but can't get myself to ask for fear of being rejected. And I guess actually if it's so important to me that in itself is a good reason for her to say no. And then to dive into my attachment issues. I don't think they want to encourage to much attachment.
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