What things have you asked that your T said no to?

Apr 11, 2021 at 11:35 AM

Yah it can be very hard to not have regularly scheduled sessions. She is very well known and constantly busy. She always has a lot of projects going on. i am actually here only “regular” client. We try to get together every week. Other people might get to talk only every few months. We have had fights about it. But, she is always worth the wait. Since i posted that I have gone to see her three or four more times. Both of us have insane schedules so we meet at odd hours (like 11:00 on a saturday night, etc.) but we do what we can.

susannahsays · Apr 13, 2021 at 02:33 PM

I asked if I could set up our teletherapy meeting on Zoom instead of using her HIPAA compliant platform. I asked because the video and sound quality for the latter are horrific. Part of it is my internet connection, but when I go to class or use zoom for other stuff, the quality is 100x better. She said no.

Like comrademoomoo, I generally avoid asking anything of anyone. I know my reaction to a no will be irrational so I try not to put myself in that position. The therapist doesn't understand this - she loves to say the worst thing such and such a person can do is say no.

Favorite Jeans · Apr 15, 2021 at 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I asked if I could set up our teletherapy meeting on Zoom instead of using her HIPAA compliant platform. I asked because the video and sound quality for the latter are horrific. Part of it is my internet connection, but when I go to class or use zoom for other stuff, the quality is 100x better. She said no.

Like comrademoomoo, I generally avoid asking anything of anyone. I know my reaction to a no will be irrational so I try not to put myself in that position. The therapist doesn't understand this - she loves to say the worst thing such and such a person can do is say no.

Sometimes I think therapists don’t understand that, to many of their clients, they’re not “a person” but The Person. They have somehow become emotionally powerful beyond what is reasonable and their no is not just a no. It carries all kinds of symbolic weight well beyond anything reasonable.

It’s not that your reaction is irrational, it’s that they are not careful enough, not cognizant enough, not sensitive enough about their impact on our lives.

As an aside, it seems completely unfair for a therapist to insist on a platform that delivers poor service to a client when better alternatives are within easy reach. Security is important of course but is either of you subject to international espionage? Come on!

Brown Owl 2 · Apr 15, 2021 at 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Sometimes I think therapists don’t understand that, to many of their clients, they’re not “a person” but The Person. They have somehow become emotionally powerful beyond what is reasonable and their no is not just a no. It carries all kinds of symbolic weight well beyond anything reasonable.

It’s not that your reaction is irrational, it’s that they are not careful enough, not cognizant enough, not sensitive enough about their impact on our lives.

As an aside, it seems completely unfair for a therapist to insist on a platform that delivers poor service to a client when better alternatives are within easy reach. Security is important of course but is either of you subject to international espionage? Come on!

Thanks so much for this post. I have reflected that when I started this thread I didn’t ask how people felt when their T said no to something, and I wish I had. It’s helpful that you picked up on Susannasays use of the word ‘irrational’. I had to stop seeing the T I was seeing after she said No to something. I went back to see her after, but I think that my reaction was beyond her comprehension, or else she just didn’t care enough about my feelings to give any helpful response other than asserting her reasons for saying no, even when I explained how it linked to my childhood when I learnt never to ask for anything. When I said that to her, and told her about the feelings that had been triggered. she didn’t respond. It was, as you said, a lack of sensitivity, with very painful consequences for me. I know what I needed her to do or say, but she was, possibly, too busy defending herself to give consideration to a more therapeutic response. I also felt/ feel the deepest darkest shame at the extent of my reaction to it. Perhaps the shame belongs with her.

ShaneG · Apr 16, 2021 at 05:37 PM

A bug sweep and no med's

Favorite Jeans · Apr 16, 2021 at 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

Thanks so much for this post. I have reflected that when I started this thread I didn’t ask how people felt when their T said no to something, and I wish I had. It’s helpful that you picked up on Susannasays use of the word ‘irrational’. I had to stop seeing the T I was seeing after she said No to something. I went back to see her after, but I think that my reaction was beyond her comprehension, or else she just didn’t care enough about my feelings to give any helpful response other than asserting her reasons for saying no, even when I explained how it linked to my childhood when I learnt never to ask for anything. When I said that to her, and told her about the feelings that had been triggered. she didn’t respond. It was, as you said, a lack of sensitivity, with very painful consequences for me. I know what I needed her to do or say, but she was, possibly, too busy defending herself to give consideration to a more therapeutic response. I also felt/ feel the deepest darkest shame at the extent of my reaction to it. Perhaps the shame belongs with her.

I wish I didn’t know this as well as I do but I totally get it. I had this happen once over the course of ten years with my T. In one instance I asked for a very small thing, something that, in my opinion, would have been extremely easy for her to give. She was not forthright in giving an answer and that in itself was devastating beyond anything logical. I never got it and all the way through felt this tremendous apprehension and shame about it. I brought it up a few more times, I even wrote to her about it but she never really got how central it was to me.

Finally at the very end of therapy she said something spectacularly smug and misguided about it, to the effect of if she had given it to me, it would have just shut up the part that wanted it thereby short-circuiting The Work. Or some absolutely specious garbage like that. It felt like a slap. Essentially the whole stupid issue had driven a wedge between us (of which she may have been unaware) and I felt less safe being vulnerable and there’s all kinds of things I could never say because of it.

Brown Owl 2 · Apr 17, 2021 at 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I wish I didn’t know this as well as I do but I totally get it. I had this happen once over the course of ten years with my T. In one instance I asked for a very small thing, something that, in my opinion, would have been extremely easy for her to give. She was not forthright in giving an answer and that in itself was devastating beyond anything logical. I never got it and all the way through felt this tremendous apprehension and shame about it. I brought it up a few more times, I even wrote to her about it but she never really got how central it was to me.

Finally at the very end of therapy she said something spectacularly smug and misguided about it, to the effect of if she had given it to me, it would have just shut up the part that wanted it thereby short-circuiting The Work. Or some absolutely specious garbage like that. It felt like a slap. Essentially the whole stupid issue had driven a wedge between us (of which she may have been unaware) and I felt less safe being vulnerable and there’s all kinds of things I could never say because of it.

I think that some therapists don’t consider that a client has expertise within their own therapy. I would like to see therapist seeking reflections and feedback on what was helpful/ therapeutic/ brought about change, and what was less helpful. Maybe some therapists don’t realise that a client can know this?

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

What things have you asked that your T said no to?

My Support Forums

ShaneG Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2020 Location: Unknown Posts: 707 3 371 hugs given	Apr 16, 2021 at 05:37 PM #45 A bug sweep and no med's
	Reply With Quote