Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

There is some sort of michael j fox thing going on on cable. Last night it was Bright Lights Big City and tonight Teen Wolf. I really like BLBC as a novel, but the movie was not that good.

Restlessness seems to be a running theme for me at the moment. I thought I might have been joking when I said to R that I spend the first half of April trying to survive, and the second half trying to recover.

Yes, I do. I sorry yours was that bad.

Unlike most, the white noise machines actually makes my tinnitus worse. Sometimes I treat it with pain reliever, as I wonder when it gets that bad if it isn't a start of a migraine. I also notice it when barometric pressure changes drastically.

The increase is also a sign of increased internal stress on my way to disassociation.

The other thing I sometimes try and seems to help is if I can do a mindless thing that still involves a level of concentration - coloring, sorting, moving my body. I guess - something that requires attention but not thinking type of concentration.

Pretty constantly most of my life, and just for added annoyance, about a year ago it progressed to where I sometime hear two different pitches out of my ears - so one ear hears everything about a quarter tone higher/lower than the other ear. It makes everything sound like I’m in a tin can, and music becomes unbearable while it is going on. Fortunately, it so far only lasts maybe an hour or so at a time. We’re pretty sure it is allergy related for me. My doctor had me double up my allergy meds and add Flonase to try to keep fluid off my ears. It helps if I keep ahead of it. So long as it doesn’t start happening while I’m trying to sing, I’m okay, but there is no way I could sing while it is going on. I honestly can’t tell which pitch is the correct pitch - really frustrating for a musician.

My husband is now in a fantastic rehabilitation hospital and has made more progress in the last 5 days than in the last 3 months. I cannot praise this place enough. Every last person who works with him is positive and encouraging, and they have a very definite rehab plan for him with the goal that he will discharge to home by the end of this month. He’ll still be on oxygen and have months of further healing and therapy to go through, but it is almost surreal to finally be actually talking about discharge planning after nearly three month. It has been a trial.

Glad to read your husband is doing better.

Glad to hear that, Artley!

That's good to hear, Artley!

Fantastic. It's got to feel good seeing that much progress.

I am sitting here not writing a paper and was feeling a little overwhelmed trying to juggle family and home, work (including looking for a new job and looking into unemployment because my project grant runs out soon), homeschooling (including getting one graduated and off to college in the fall) and the experiential and coursework tail end of grad school all in the middle of a pandemic. Then I remembered the full-circle conversation I just had with my internship supervisor about placing me in the school that prompted me to go back to grad school in the first place. Now I feel all gooshy and sort of inspired. Not to write my paper, though. Heh. It's sunny, I think I'll go for a walk in the pollen...I mean sun.

Hugs to all Couchies who need/want them, and high fives too for those who are celebrating victories. I try to keep up a little on how you're all doing.

Well I told my mom the thing, and she was as negative as expected, and I'm trying not to let it get me down. Why do I still care so much what that woman thinks about me?! I'm proud of myself though because I didn't start crying when she was so negative. I think I have finally hit the realization that even if I could live to be 300 I would never, ever, ever be good enough for her. Ever. Well damn it now I am crying. ****. Why can't she ever just be happy for me? Why? I don't get it.

I'm sorry she didn't react well artie bean. You do deserve better..This might be a painful realization now- but I hope it can lead to you letting go of trying to be the daughter your mother wants you to be. Be good enough for yourself and only yourself.

Hugs, Artie. It was brave to tell her that.

I cannot wake up today. I didnt sleep well yesterday , i was having gut issues, so i guess thats why
Boy colorful detailed dreams today. Back to work, neighbors talking on the balcony (in my dream), picking a movie to go to from the newspaper but none of them were local, coming up with an idea for my autobiography!

I think you just write about your life in those.

ETA: I think I dreamed a future short story last night. There’s a town that a train runs through. Whenever the train passes, glass walls slam up all over town, cutting the people off from the tracks. As a result they become overly reliant on the protective glass, and grow dumb and amoral. So the town dies.

I think it needs some fleshing out.

I want to see the newest wonder woman movie.

Artie- I had to cut my toxic mother out of my life 25 years ago - I'm not saying that's the answer but I want you to know I understand! Hugs

There is also a step before cutting contact with a hostile mother and that is to engage minimally with the priority of protecting your vulnerabilities. For example, I don't share anything of my emotional world with my mother; I tell her absolute skeleton factual information about my life; I lie to her when necessary and when it shields me; I respond but I don't provide input; I don't listen to her when she speaks; I limit contact to one text or phonecall a month. I work very hard at keeping her at arms length. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy and she won't change. I need to respect my well-being in a way that she never has.

My mother is probably an outlier example of an uncaring mother so it's hard for me to keep perspective, but I tense up when people post about having sensitive and emotional conversations with problematic mothers, often encouraged by therapists. Some mothers can't hear difficult conservations and it doesn't serve us to enter into that arena with them.

Went on a camping trip with my BF and it was great! He'd never been camping before (he's not from the US), so I tried to set us up for success -- paid for an established campsite in the mountains instead of a loud and/or cruddy RV site or somewhere in the backwoods where we couldn't escape to the car if we got in some sort of trouble. It was a gorgeous place I'd been before, complete with a fire pit, picnic table, remarkably clean outhouse, and even a three-sided hut thing to keep the sprinkles of rain off. We pitched a tent, cooked outside, played cards, looked at the stars, the whole thing.

The one major downside was that it was literally freezing at night (got down to 30 Fahrenheit), and we were both pretty cold despite me bringing a ridiculous number of sleeping bags/blankets/base layers. He was a terrific sport about it, though. We'd made a deal that either one of us could request to bail at any point, and the other person would agree, no questions asked. (I suggested that, since I didn't want him to feel like I'd give him a hard time if he wanted out.) But he stuck with it and we had fun

I know it's just a camping trip, but the fact that this guy can do something that is new and physically uncomfortable and have a good attitude about it increases my cautious optimism about him.

Thanks, Lemoncake. I told h a little bit ago when we were talking about it that maybe this is the final time that I have to realize that I will never be good enough for her and stop caring what she thinks, and start loving myself FOR myself.


Thanks LT.


Thanks, Polibeth. I guess L was right when she said that thing about me wanting a Hallmark movie. I am perpetually hopeful that she is going to change so I keep telling her things giving her the opportunity to react differently but she never does.


Thanks. That's where I'm getting to - keeping her at arms length to respect and preserve my well-being that I have worked SO hard in therapy to build up and maintain. This wasn't even an emotional or sensitive conversation, I was sharing a particular piece of information that when it happens, I'd be telling her anyway. I guess I got bolstered a bit talking about it in therapy and how I've begun really consciously letting go of my life long fear of being bad/wrong - so it was a step toward that I suppose. I'm feeling better about it all now. She is who she is, it's not up to me to change her, the only person I can change is me and all that jazz.

It was actually easier that summer a couple years ago when I confronted her about the hate letter she wrote me when I was in college all those years ago. And that one WAS a sensitive and very emotional topic.