Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

Hugs, Chihiro. I hope you enjoy the camping even if the weather is bad. Have you been camping with him before?

Yeah, that really shouldn't be your responsibility...she needs some sort of system to remember. I hope things work out with the new T that you'll see in a couple weeks.

He's actually never been camping before. I asked him if he wanted to wait and go later in the season when the weather would be more likely to be good, but he said it would be an adventure this way. We've talked before about how we both prefer going on vacation and sort of discovering things and hanging out rather than planning everything within an inch of its life... hopefully he maintains that attitude!

I totally agree. I think her age is messing with her ability to remember because she is good on long term stuff but not so great at short term. She takes copious notes in session but then when it is time to schedule she doesn't seem to write that down anywhere. It bugs me a little that I have to remind her but it hurts me more when I go to her office and no one is there. So I would rather be a little annoyed than a lot disappointed. Hopefully Dr. K is better. Although I'm not sure if he does long term stuff. In any case, might be good just to consult about T and see if I should stay with her or not. I wish more T's took my insurance.

I texted T at 10:05 according to my phone's time which is fast. It is now 10:52 and T hasn't texted back, which is weird because she usually texts back right away! I know she could be in session though. She works somewhere else during the week and then does private practice on Saturdays. For some reason, even though I know this is illogical, I just got really hyper stressed that something happened to T (like maybe she died) and that's why she didn't text back! I had a panic attack. So I am trying to tell myself that is irrational. She is probably just in session and she will text back when she gets out of session. I'm being ridiculous. Right?

Did he have anything to say about his shi**y comment?

I am frustrated by everything.

Students who won't student.

Adults who won't adult. (Why are so many people stuck emotionally in middle school?)

The end of term can't come fast enough. As it is I taught my first class on campus today, then in the break before the second class (a couple hours) I thought, "eff it, I'm going home and teaching from there." So I did. There are some advantages to Zoom.

It's so weird. T still hasn't texted back. It's only been a couple of hours but she usually texts back within 5 or 10 minutes. So my anxiety is sky high because this is unusual for her. My anxiety was high anyway because of some stuff in my personal life. And work life. There's tons of reasons why she might not have texted back yet. She forgot her phone at home. She doesn't have her phone on. She's in meetings. She is back to back to back with clients and hasn't come up for air. Etc. I can think of all of these logically and rationally. So why is my brain going to oh T must have died. Sheesh. Worst case scenario. I wonder if all the anxiety I am having in other areas of my life is impacting my ability to be very rational and logical about this. I don't know why I am jumping to the most unlikely conclusion. (Something to talk about with T tomorrow--assuming of course that I have an appointment and that she knows I have an appointment!!) I'm frustrated with myself because I am (usually) in better control over my anxiety. I hadn't had a panic attack in probably at least six months. So why did I have one today? Just because T didn't text. Yes it is out of character. But it's not out of the realm of various possibilities. It is going to bother me until either she texts, or I see her tomorrow, assuming of course, that I do. Otherwise, it will just keep bothering me.


I recently stopped texting a friend so much because she hasn't been answering me back. (I know that sounds like a no brainer.) I had texted her a while back and asked her if I was bothering her even though my texts were mostly like good morning! Thinking about you! Praying for you! Stuff like that. She said no, but that she was very busy with other stuff. It just makes my anxiety so high because she doesn't text back though so another friend convinced me to text less and see if the anxiety goes down. I'm not like this with most people. Just a few. With the friend I think I was having some maternal transference. Ha. Jokes on me. She ignores me as easily as mother ignored me as a child. With T, I don't know where the anxiety is coming from. It's not like I am desperate for a session. If she cancelled tomorrow, I would be okay.


This is silly, Kit. Pull yourself together. You will be okay, whether or not T texts back. You are going to be okay whether or not you have a session tomorrow. You will be okay whether or not T knows you have a session tomorrow. If you show up tomorrow and T doesn't, yeah, you'll probably be disappointed and a little upset, but you will survive it. This is not life and death issues.


I distracted myself by having lunch. And I distracted myself by writing my sponsored child in Ethiopia. And that worked well for a while. I have a Zoom meeting for work in half an hour and that will keep me distracted for a little while. I have to deal with a vendor who wants to sell us on their platform. I know we aren't going to purchase it right now. It may be something we look at in the future, but not now. So I have to placate said vendor and push them off until 4th quarter at least. Just get back into work mode, Kit, and you can do this. Head up. Chin up. Stop the spiraling thoughts. Do some breathing exercises and know you will be okay. T will either text back or she won't. Ball is in her court not yours. If she forgets the session, just another reason to transfer to Dr. K in a couple of weeks.

Hugs, Kit. It sounds like you're doing well with self-talk and distractions.


The thing with being concerned about your T not writing back is, it's probably only partly about that. I've found if I'm really stressed or anxious in general (or feeling bad about myself), it can be easy to just sort of get fixated on one particular thing, whether it's my T replying to an email, hearing back from a friend, even something like getting a response to a work question. Or even no one (except H) "liking" a post I made on Facebook. I think it's just natural to sort of shift the anxiety onto one thing. Especially because there's likely a bunch of stuff going on where it's not like you're going to get some specific answer about it in some set time frame. And with being worried about T dying, that might actually me partly about fears of something happening to others in your life--or the general sense of fear of losing support.

That said, I hope you hear back from her soon.

*hugs* Kit,

It is not silly to be concerned about whether you will have a session tomorrow. You will be OK. Please be gentle with my friend.

Thank you LT and LostOnTheTrail. It feels better knowing there are people who understand the anxious mind. I'll be gentle with myself. Thank you! HUGS Kit

So, in talking to Dr. T today about how to better explain anxiety (and panic attacks) to my mom, he made a couple analogies, comparing general, everyday, temporary stress that people experience to what I (and others with anxiety and/or panic disorders) experience. One was how a bit of stress (like a project being due) is like drinking a glass of water, while anxiety is like trying to drink a whole pool.

The other was plugging something into an electrical socket, as compared to lightning. The first is potentially dangerous, but controlled. While the lightning is not controlled.

Thought they were interesting.

I don't understand anxiety and panic disorders and neither of those analogies really bring it home to me. They're too intellectual.

Can you figure out something that might be like something she's experienced herself? Like maybe she's almost drowned or something.

Also, I thought she had anxiety herself? And if this is about her telling your daughter to yell at you, isn't that more an issue of manipulation than anxiety?

Must be the week for weird dreams i dreamed that i tracked down and shot Alannis Morrisette's therapist for crimes against music. And unleashing a person who cant tell irony from coincidence.

Hugs, Kit. I hope you hear back from t soon. I think (well with me anyway) anxiety kind of feeds on itself or something, like a little breeds more kind of thing? I don't know if I'm making sense. I guess what I mean is that if I'm already anxious about one thing, when another thing happens, I'm already not in a fully rational place to deal with it, I'm coming into it with anxiety already, so more happens. Something like that.

LT, I like Dr T's analogies. Especially the drinking a glass of water as opposed to a whole pool. That resonates with me. The, well, overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I guess.

Yes, Artie, I agree. A little anxiety breeds more. And a lot of anxiety breeds a whole lot more! Did you see your T today? HUGS Kit

That's a good thought, to think of something she's experienced. (I've had to be rescued from the ocean by lifeguards, so I can relate to the drowning one, but don't think she could?)

And you're correctly in that she clearly has anxiety herself--I can tell, and Dr. T has said it's obvious. But he thinks (as do I) that she won't admit it to herself or label it as "anxiety." And he thinks part of her issues with accepting/understanding it in me would mean coming to terms with her own anxiety, which she isn't willing to do.

Evidence that she doesn't want to come to terms/admit things like that about herself: She's always had issues sleeping, like waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to go back to sleep for hours. I've commented to her before about her having insomnia. My mom: "No, I just have trouble sleeping." She doesn't like to fly and has mostly avoided it for years, save for a few trips. I said something about her having a fear of flying once. My mom: "No, I don't have a fear if it, i just don't like flying." At one point, she said she doesn't like not having control in that situation.

Hey @@ For me with panic attacks it's more like symptoms that I notice. With a panic attack I hyperventilate, I get really hot (like I imagine what a hot flash might be like, although I haven't had one so I'm just guessing, but the hotness comes on really fast, not slowly), I get nauseated, I get sweaty, the room feels like it is spinning, kind of like vertigo, and I get sort of a pins and needles feeling. Sometimes I will get chest pain.


With anxiety, just plain anxiety, I might have a butterflies in the stomach feeling like if I have to give a presentation. I might have clammy hands or sweaty hands. But I don't get all the symptoms like above. Does this help?

Home from seeing L, she could tell before I even sat down that something was off and said so. Then she asked what I was mad about. I said I'm not mad, but yes, I need to clarify something. And I asked about her question. She didn't even remember using the word "stalking", I told her well that is what I heard her say. She said she does not think that at all and we talked about it a bit and I feel much better about all of that now. We covered a lot of ground today, including a bit about my anger and I admitted that I am afraid of her seeing it. It was a really good session. It's interesting what came up in dreams after missing last week (due to a scheduling conflict) that may not have come up if we had met last week, and what also may not have come up if I hadn't been so "in the soup" for the past 2 weeks over the "stalking" comment. Apparently it really is all grist for the mill or whatever...

I did. Just posted about it before I saw this. We had a good session although I cried a bit when we talked about the 'stalking' thing. She said she doesn't think that at all.

... and man, does that 60 minutes go by in the blink of an eye.

Oh, I'm so glad you had a good session with L and I'm glad she clarified about the stalking thing, Artie. You were hard on yourself and you didn't need to be because L didn't see you that way. Does that feel better now? Maybe next time, you can try to be gentle with yourself, like pretend you are a butterfly and be gentle with yourself until you get some clarification. It just seems like you caused yourself a lot of hurt that you didn't need to.

Of course, I'm like preaching to the choir here because I do that same sort of thing. But maybe we can both try to be gentler with ourselves and less unforgiving of ourselves.

My anxiety kept me awake last night i have to ring the ex to plan this party but if he doesnt answer i will send him something on messenger

You've gotta admit that "isn't it coincidental" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "isn't it ironic".

I hate flying and I am not afraid. I do hate the lack of control. I hate the cattle car nature of it, the bullying flight attendants, the incompetent tsa, and so on. If I had a private airport and flew it myself - I would be fine.
I would not get the anxiety analogies the therapist suggested at all.
I would have taken the comment to the child as kidding -but my group of friends says stuff like that to the dogs all the time - and we just laugh