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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:04 AM
  #21
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I'm very sorry that your old T did not want to resume sessions with you SK. I don't understand her reasoning but can only imagine how unendurable that must be for you..

It seems to be more about her than about you, though. Is there any possibility to have a face to face with her? I don't mean for closure but an opportunity to discuss and address your feelings? For her to hear you out.

As for your current T, yes sometimes they miss the importance of what we are saying and/or what we are going through. I would tell her again... And again.
Thank you Rive. I don't think she's open to a face to face. I could ask but I doubt she would say yes. She really doesn't seem like she wants to see me. I don't blame her. I must have been a PITA client. Still, I just thought that she cared. She always said she did. I just can't see how someone cares about you but doesn't want to work with you or see you.


Yes, when I see current T in two weeks I will tell her again. I'm thinking of seeing if she has anything open this weekend because the pain is so much. I just don't know if it would do any good. She's not the most helpful person in the world. She's kind but rather scattered and doesn't seem to know what to do with me. Which doesn't help. I don't know what to do with me either.


Thanks for your kind response. Kit

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:48 AM
  #22
You're not a PITA, SK. You're a human being who is struggling. Besides, you have grown since you saw her. It is her loss in not wanting to see this.. It seems she is the one who has limited resources (physical, emotional, cognitive timewise??) to see clients.

I am kinda angry at your old T for making you feel this way & also sorry that you are not having the support you need, right now. That sucks (((SK)))

Please look for / interview other Ts? And take good care of yourself.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:53 AM
  #23
Thanks Rive. I emailed a T from Psychology Today to see if we could have a consultation. I think he used to work with my Pdoc. At least in the same office. So that's something.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 11:56 AM
  #24
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Thanks Beth, it is. Former T wrote me her response in email which is how I had contacted her initially. So I emailed her again and it's rather long. I put it in the thread about Dear T. I know she isn't going to change her mind but I wish I could understand her reasoning better. When we parted ways due to her MS, she made it sound like I could come back at some point if she were to come back to practicing. I know things change. People change. Etc. But I am beating myself up for not being good enough to be accepted back. The one person who I thought accepted me despite everything I told her doesn't want me. It's beyond painful. It's agonizing.
I'm wondering if she does not want to start with you again because, even though she's back in practice, she knows her health is such that she might have to back out again without much notice - such is the nature of MS. She knows the kind of disruption that was and would again be to you and your therapy.

I'm just guessing, but it would not surprise me if that was her reasoning, but it would have been clearer if she could have stated that if it is the case.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 12:10 PM
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I'm wondering if she does not want to start with you again because, even though she's back in practice, she knows her health is such that she might have to back out again without much notice - such is the nature of MS. She knows the kind of disruption that was and would again be to you and your therapy.

I'm just guessing, but it would not surprise me if that was her reasoning, but it would have been clearer if she could have stated that if it is the case.
Thanks ArtleyWilkins. It might be part of it. That's not what she said so I don't know. What she said was that she felt our work was complete and that I should continue with current T. In my initial email to her I did suggest that it may be difficult to go back because of the intense sadness I had over losing her the first time. So what you said makes sense. Maybe former T, just doesn't want to come across as blaming me. I don't know. I hope she explains more from the email I sent her. I can make up things in my head all day long as reasons why she doesn't want to see me and most of them are very harsh towards me. If she could be clearer then maybe I wouldn't be beating myself up. Right now I'm in so much pain. Not as much pain as when I lost her the first time, but pretty near close. Except this time I can't cry it out. Tears come to the surface but they don't fall. And I'm not
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so I can't get rid of the feelings that way either. They are stuck inside me like little barbed fish, swimming around, catching on everything, causing me tremendous pain. I can't believe she didn't tell me she was back to practicing in the first place. And now I can't believe she won't have me back. I'm gutted.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 12:12 PM
  #26
It's amazing how much a person can hurt another person by taking away their care.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 12:24 PM
  #27
Remember though: She didn't take away her care. She is simply saying she does not think it wise to start back into therapy again together. I doubt this is a matter of her not caring; if that was the case, she could have simply not replied at all.

I think you are at least understanding that the negative motives you are attaching to her decision are probably more your own self-talk than they are her actual reasoning.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you, but perhaps this level of intensity is indicative that maybe a different therapist altogether might be a better plan if you do not feel like it is working with your current therapist.

I've switched therapists a few times over the years, and fresh eyes and approaches honestly probably did me much more good than if I had gone back to an old therapist.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a choice she has made based on how she perceives her own ability to serve, or not serve, you best.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 12:57 PM
  #28
Thanks ArtleyWilkins. I do understand that my thinking that it's all my fault that she doesn't want me back is my own mind's imaginings and not necessarily her reasoning. It doesn't make it any easier though because without clarification I just come up with more harsh reasons towards myself.


She was the only person I've ever attached to. I think this is why it is so intense.


I've contacted another T. Waiting for them to get back to me. I don't know if they will or won't. I called the office and left a message and emailed him. Current T is nice but I don't think she can help with this.

I'm struggling to be gentle with myself. The desire to go back to
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after all this time is overwhelming. Maybe I will email Pastor T and see if he will get me in for an emergency appointment just to discuss this. IDK. I need something to help because I can't live with the pain.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 01:04 PM
  #29
Hugs, Kit. I suggest contacting Pastor T. The chance that a new T will be able to get you in soon is less good than someone you've been working with, particularly right now (as I've heard from my T and read elsewhere that T's are very busy from the pandemic). I mean, hopefully the new T can get you in, but Pastor T doesn't charge you, right? So would be no loss in seeing him either way.


And I understand why you see it as her taking away your care. It felt much like that when ex-MC said I had to contact him less and refused to talk to me (even on the phone, which we'd done many times before) without H also being on the call. For a long time, I wanted to try to meet with him solo, in person, just to talk things through, but I imagine he'd have said no. The circumstances of the ending with your T were very different, but just saying that I understand.


Hm, do you think there's any chance she'd be willing to meet with both you and your current T at the same time, to discuss her decision? Ex-MC had considered possibly doing that with me and current T. But then I changed my mind about it before we actually got to the place of scheduling it.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 02:00 PM
  #30
Got an appointment with another therapist, Dr. K, at 2 PM on the 26th. It's a little ways away but hopefully he can help me.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 02:12 PM
  #31
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Thanks ArtleyWilkins. I do understand that my thinking that it's all my fault that she doesn't want me back is my own mind's imaginings and not necessarily her reasoning. It doesn't make it any easier though because without clarification I just come up with more harsh reasons towards myself.
I completely understand that.

This is where all of the CBT ended up being vital to my mental health. I know many people don't like it, and it isn't like it was the only technique my therapists used, but learning the skills to use that rational part of my mind when my emotions were telling me all sorts of lies (DBT would call it the wise mind I think), has helped me regain control when I felt most out of control. That was really important to help me cope without making really poor choices.

I'm glad to read you have a session with a different therapist. I hope it works well for you. Be proud of yourself for taking healthy action. That's good work.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 04:21 PM
  #32
Oh, good to hear you have an appt with another T. I hope they can give you the support you need.

I also hope your old T realises the importance of a 1-1 session with you. I think she owes you that. But I am glad you are going the 'self-care' route.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 05:04 PM
  #33
What has been gnawing at me is my last phone conversation with former T. When we were ending due to her MS. She said, it is the end for now. She said, I don't think it is goodbye.


Totally led me to believe that the possibility remained that we might work together again sometime. Of course things change. People change. Circumstances change. I wish therapists wouldn't say things they don't intend to do. Maybe she intended it at the time. I don't know.

It's like current T. She says she will never leave me. How can she say that? Everyone leaves sometime. She says she can't imagine not working. She is probably 70. That's true but you never know what your health is going to do or something. Like, don't promise. Because you likely can't keep it.


Ugh. Frustrated today. At least I have numbed out. I am not feeling so much pain. I just got to the point where the pain was so intense that my numbing coping mechanism took over. Now I'm numb and don't feel anything. Good. I hope I stay that way.

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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 07:48 PM
  #34
I am glad you are seeing another one to try out.

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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 01:56 AM
  #35
Hey SK,

It's not your fault. I attached tons to Ex T, didn't think I'd find another I could attach too but I did. It was the right decision for me to stick with current T, Ex T couldn't do the trauma and attachment work I needed. I still miss Ex T.

I'm glad you reached out to other therapists. I hope you'll find 1 who is a good fit, has the availability you need, and who knows how to help you build when you're not in crisis. The work done when not in crisis is important but I feel not many Ts where I live know how to help clients in that area. My T believes that crisises or no crisis, it's valuable work and after a lot of sessions, I rarely have crisis yet there is still plenty of work to be done.

I'm offering you hugs and care.
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 10:04 AM
  #36
I also don't like people (and Ts should know better) who make such empty promises of 'always being there' and 'never leaving' etc.

It is so fake.

Truth is, everybody leaves one way or another... And there are no guarantees in life.
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 10:44 AM
  #37
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I also don't like people (and Ts should know better) who make such empty promises of 'always being there' and 'never leaving' etc.

It is so fake.

Truth is, everybody leaves one way or another... And there are no guarantees in life.
This is actually something that came up with my T last session, not specific to therapy, but that all relationships eventually end, even if it's due to death. That was more tied to my fears of abandonment/messing up relationships, where more securely attached people aren't thinking of it all the time. But I think it definitely applies to T's making promises they don't know they can keep.

My T is very careful in choosing his words around things like that. He's said, for example, "I have no intention of abandoning you." But he's said he doesn't know what could happen, that it could be that they need to move to help out with an elderly in-law or that he might decide to take his career in a different direction, besides the possibilities of death or serious illness. He said he didn't anticipate any of those happening in the near future, but of course no way of knowing.

The fact that ex-MC made promises to me that he didn't keep (like saying I was always welcome to come for another individual session, after our second one or that he wouldn't reject me) makes me more receptive to my T's way of phrasing things. Because he isn't making promises that he doesn't know he can keep.

Kit, with your former T, I wonder if she thought she might be back at work much more quickly than she was, and that could have potentially changed her view on working with you again? Like she knows how hard it was on you, and likely has no idea how long she'll stay healthy enough to work (as she has a chronic illness), so she doesn't want to start up with you than potentially have to end abruptly again? Though if that's the case, it would be better if she just said that...
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 11:53 AM
  #38
Oh, I hear you LT.

I have the same issue. Likewise, my T is very careful in not making such always/never statements to me. But, unlike yours, mine goes to the other extreme. I think pigs could fly before T says anything 'feeling-wise'. :
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 01:35 PM
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This is actually something that came up with my T last session, not specific to therapy, but that all relationships eventually end, even if it's due to death. That was more tied to my fears of abandonment/messing up relationships, where more securely attached people aren't thinking of it all the time. But I think it definitely applies to T's making promises they don't know they can keep.

My T is very careful in choosing his words around things like that. He's said, for example, "I have no intention of abandoning you." But he's said he doesn't know what could happen, that it could be that they need to move to help out with an elderly in-law or that he might decide to take his career in a different direction, besides the possibilities of death or serious illness. He said he didn't anticipate any of those happening in the near future, but of course no way of knowing.

The fact that ex-MC made promises to me that he didn't keep (like saying I was always welcome to come for another individual session, after our second one or that he wouldn't reject me) makes me more receptive to my T's way of phrasing things. Because he isn't making promises that he doesn't know he can keep.

Kit, with your former T, I wonder if she thought she might be back at work much more quickly than she was, and that could have potentially changed her view on working with you again? Like she knows how hard it was on you, and likely has no idea how long she'll stay healthy enough to work (as she has a chronic illness), so she doesn't want to start up with you than potentially have to end abruptly again? Though if that's the case, it would be better if she just said that...
I have told current T a few times I fear losing her (most recently after her accident). She is, also, very careful when choosing her words. She tells me that given my past those fears are understandable. She tells me she has no plans to go anywhere any time soon. Sh can't predict the future but she loves what she does, she enjoys working with me, etc. She also adds that she plans to live a long time.

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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 03:06 PM
  #40
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I also don't like people (and Ts should know better) who make such empty promises of 'always being there' and 'never leaving' etc.

It is so fake.

Truth is, everybody leaves one way or another... And there are no guarantees in life.

Yes! I used to love when others would promise this until I realized that no one really can. My last therapist made lots of promises like this and ended up going back on all of them and disappearing and causing me trauma in the process. My new T doesn't make any promises and just says its not her intention to abandon me. Like LT said, I respect people more if they don't make such promises but therapists should know better than anyone not to do it. Yet a lot of them on this forum seem to make these promises and don't realize how they are hurting people.
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