What to talk about with T on Saturday?

I also don't like people (and Ts should know better) who make such empty promises of 'always being there' and 'never leaving' etc.

It is so fake.

Truth is, everybody leaves one way or another... And there are no guarantees in life.

This is actually something that came up with my T last session, not specific to therapy, but that all relationships eventually end, even if it's due to death. That was more tied to my fears of abandonment/messing up relationships, where more securely attached people aren't thinking of it all the time. But I think it definitely applies to T's making promises they don't know they can keep.

My T is very careful in choosing his words around things like that. He's said, for example, "I have no intention of abandoning you." But he's said he doesn't know what could happen, that it could be that they need to move to help out with an elderly in-law or that he might decide to take his career in a different direction, besides the possibilities of death or serious illness. He said he didn't anticipate any of those happening in the near future, but of course no way of knowing.

The fact that ex-MC made promises to me that he didn't keep (like saying I was always welcome to come for another individual session, after our second one or that he wouldn't reject me) makes me more receptive to my T's way of phrasing things. Because he isn't making promises that he doesn't know he can keep.

Kit, with your former T, I wonder if she thought she might be back at work much more quickly than she was, and that could have potentially changed her view on working with you again? Like she knows how hard it was on you, and likely has no idea how long she'll stay healthy enough to work (as she has a chronic illness), so she doesn't want to start up with you than potentially have to end abruptly again? Though if that's the case, it would be better if she just said that...

I have told current T a few times I fear losing her (most recently after her accident). She is, also, very careful when choosing her words. She tells me that given my past those fears are understandable. She tells me she has no plans to go anywhere any time soon. Sh can't predict the future but she loves what she does, she enjoys working with me, etc. She also adds that she plans to live a long time.

Yes! I used to love when others would promise this until I realized that no one really can. My last therapist made lots of promises like this and ended up going back on all of them and disappearing and causing me trauma in the process. My new T doesn't make any promises and just says its not her intention to abandon me. Like LT said, I respect people more if they don't make such promises but therapists should know better than anyone not to do it. Yet a lot of them on this forum seem to make these promises and don't realize how they are hurting people.

I wonder if it is an attempt to build trust but is misguided? I am not saying it is right in any way. Nor do I want a T whoe tells me they will always be there. Well honestly, yes I do for the short term comfort but also know it would create unrealistic expectations. Having lost a T in such a traumatic way, I know the reality of them even unintentionally abandoning me.

Yes I think perhaps it might be a misguided attempt at trust that they don't realize actually does the opposite when they can't keep the "promise". I have found I trust my new therapist more because she doesn't make these promises than my exT who did make the promise.

That's the thing though, the reassurance or promise is short term comfort. When my exT promised she would always be there, it did create a lot of unrealistic expectations that added to how unhealthy the relationship was. Unfortunately I had to learn all of this the hard way but at least I know now not to make the same mistakes with my current therapist.