What to talk about with T on Saturday?

I wonder if it is an attempt to build trust but is misguided? I am not saying it is right in any way. Nor do I want a T whoe tells me they will always be there. Well honestly, yes I do for the short term comfort but also know it would create unrealistic expectations. Having lost a T in such a traumatic way, I know the reality of them even unintentionally abandoning me.

Yes I think perhaps it might be a misguided attempt at trust that they don't realize actually does the opposite when they can't keep the "promise". I have found I trust my new therapist more because she doesn't make these promises than my exT who did make the promise.

That's the thing though, the reassurance or promise is short term comfort. When my exT promised she would always be there, it did create a lot of unrealistic expectations that added to how unhealthy the relationship was. Unfortunately I had to learn all of this the hard way but at least I know now not to make the same mistakes with my current therapist.

For those of you following along, former T wrote me back after I wrote her two extremely painful emails describing the pain I was in over her decision, even though I didn't necessarily disagree with her decision, I just didn't like it.


Her email back was truly lovely. Old form back. She acknowledged my pain several times. She said she had anticipated her decision not to work with me to be difficult for me but that she didn't anticipate it to land in abandonment or rejection for me. From what she said, it is more about her and her health and her age and her stamina more than anything else. She did think about me in her decision but these other things are at play and she said she isn't the same therapist she was with me and didn't think it was wise to create another therapy relationship with me. She said she was sorry for my pain. That she deeply values the time we had together and so much more. Her email back to me was a good three quarters of a page long. She put a lot of thought and careful crafting of her words to make them less painful to me and more easily accepted by me. She knows me well.


She said that she is aware of my deep connection to her and that helps. She acknowledged my med combo working well for me right now and that I've grown a lot . She said due to changes in her stamina she would not have been able to bring me to where I am now.


She sounded really honest in her email to me. And it is very precious to me. I can feel her care for me dripping off the page. (I printed it out so I can have it handy for the next however long I feel ripped apart.)


I am more numb to the pain now. I know it will reopen once the numbness wears off. But her care for me in the email was evident and all the stuff that I feared was not true. So it's not so much that she doesn't want to work with me, it's more about her health and her stamina and what she is capable of doing as a therapist. It's good that she didn't take me back and then be unable to function as I need her to, because that would have been very painful as well. She's a beautiful human being and a great therapist and I will always love her and be loyal to her.


She didn't say anything about me trying a different T. She acknowledged she made some assumptions in her previous email to me and spelled out where she was making assumptions in this email. All the reasons why I love her are evident in her email to me.


I didn't really lose anything as I wasn't working with her for the past couple of years (almost 3) and I'm not working with her now. It was just hope dashed. And that can be extremely painful. I'm thinking about it in a much more intellectual and rational way now and I love her for that. I really cherish the time we had together and even though it was cut short by her MS, it still means the world to me. I still have a couple of her voicemails so I can hear her voice. And I do have oodles of emails from her if I ever wish to go back and read them.


Thank you everyone for your kindness and care for me during this time. And thank you for encouraging me to try another T. I have no idea if the T I am going to try will work out but if anything I can consult with him on whether I should stay with current T or not.


HUGS to anyone who wants them, Kit

I'm glad it was pretty much what seemed like it might be. She clearly is trying to make the best decision for your own well-being. I'm glad she clarified things for you.

Thank you ArtleyWilkins.

I am so glad she wrote you back. I see a lot of care in her response looking out for you in her decision. I hope that is something you can hold onto when it feels painful. I am sorry this happened. Sometimes things don't work out because we might not grow in the same way. This new therapist might be able to help you in ways this old T can't and get you to where you want/need to be. An old door closing is a also a new door opening. I had a rough time ending with a therapist who meant so much but then I was able to work with a new therapist who helped me to grow in ways I never did before and my old therapist def could not have gotten me to this place I am in now. When I miss my old T it helps me to think of that. Gentle hugs to you if wanted.

Glad she wrote you back and put such care in her words. Hugs if you need some after the numbness wears off, SK.

I am so glad you felt her care. It (from your description of your interactions with her) did seem unlike her and the only 'reason' I could see was a limitation on her part, rather than a lack of caring for you (or it being your fault for being too needy etc.).

I am sorry you are still not able to work with her though. I can only imagine the pain and disappointment. It is a tough decision she had to make and it seems she made it in *both* of your interests.

Will you still be able to email her, as you had been doing? To keep the connection with her?

Yes, I can still email or text her now and again. She doesn't always reply but sometimes she does. Sometimes I tell her specifically there's no need to reply to this. If I would straight out ask her to, she probably would. I usually leave it up to her though whether or not she wants to reply. I mean, I haven't been a paying client in going on three years now. But due to the longevity of our work together (10 years) and the intensity, she's always been open to hearing how things are going for me. I tend to focus on the positives with her for the most part because I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to get free therapy. But once last December I was super triggered and really close to doing something dumb and I texted her and I said I knew she would understand and she responded and said she did understand. To hang in there. To not do the stupid thing and to wait it out and I would feel better, which is of course what happened. But yeah, I'm really thankful that she's open to hearing from me. I usually update her about 6 times a year and then I'll text her like "Merry Christmas" "Happy Easter" stuff like that. So I really haven't lost anything that I've had these past few years. It was just the hope dashed. But her email response was lovely and I will hold it in my heart for a long time.