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Default Apr 01, 2021 at 03:27 PM
  #1
I have therapy on Saturday. I'm not in crisis, which is good. But whenever I am not in crisis, I have trouble thinking about what to talk about, even though I know this is precisely the time to talk about things that get me into crisis. But since I don't know what those things are, how can I talk about them?

There's one thing. Former T appears to be back practicing. I would love to see former T again. I sent her an email 6 days ago asking her if I could come back, but she hasn't responded. So I sent her another email. I'm worried she will say no. I wouldn't blame her. I was probably a PITA client who no one wants to deal with. But that was 2.5 years ago and a lot has changed. But I don't want to talk about this to current T unless Old T says it's okay to come back. I know Old T would make me give up current T, which I would in a heartbeat if it meant I could see former T again, but I know that current T doesn't care if I see more than one T at a time.

But I really don't have much to talk about and I fear I'm just going to be wasting her time or we'll just chit chat. Which I don't want because I don't want to pay for chit chat. I'm kind of stuck for ideas on what to talk about. Any suggestions out there?

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Default Apr 02, 2021 at 01:44 PM
  #2
Are there things you’ve never discussed with her before, Maybe things from your teenage years that were emotional for you, or from your adult years ( sorry I’m not sure how old you are). Is there anything that your T has said that brought up emotion in you? Have you had any dreams recently? Or daydreams? I don’t know if any of that would be useful for you?
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Default Apr 02, 2021 at 02:22 PM
  #3
For me, the fact that I don't want to talk about re-establishing a relationship with ex-therapist would indicate that there is some important material in there and I would push through and discuss that very thing. I hope it goes well, let us know.
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Default Apr 02, 2021 at 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
For me, the fact that I don't want to talk about re-establishing a relationship with ex-therapist would indicate that there is some important material in there and I would push through and discuss that very thing. I hope it goes well, let us know.

This is a really good point. The things one is afraid to talk about are often the things that most need to be talked about, I've found.
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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 12:07 PM
  #5
Well, former T got back to me. She doesn't want me back as a client. She feels our work is complete and that I should keep making progress with current T. I'm crushed. Its definitely what I need to talk to current T about. I don't know how to do it without hurting current T. I'm so hurt by former T. I know I need to process it. I just don't want to hurt current T. I think I could by letting her know I would have left her for former T. My emotions are in shreds. I can't even cry about it. Though I came close. I haven't acted inward negatively which I think is good progress. I need to remember everything that Current T has done for me.

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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 12:38 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Well, former T got back to me. She doesn't want me back as a client. She feels our work is complete and that I should keep making progress with current T. I'm crushed. Its definitely what I need to talk to current T about. I don't know how to do it without hurting current T. I'm so hurt by former T. I know I need to process it. I just don't want to hurt current T. I think I could by letting her know I would have left her for former T. My emotions are in shreds. I can't even cry about it. Though I came close. I haven't acted inward negatively which I think is good progress. I need to remember everything that Current T has done for me.


Kit I'm sorry you're hurting right now, but you're always allowed to see and consult with other therapists. Different T's have different things they're good at. It makes sense you'd want to reconnect with your first one especially given that it wasn't your decision to leave.

Therapy should always be about you though, and you don't have to worry about upsetting your current T. I hope you can bring this up. It's not something you should deal with on your own.

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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 01:33 PM
  #7
Hugs, Kit, I'm so sorry... I think it's definitely still OK to talk about it with your current T. You need to process it, like you said.

I imagine I may have hurt Dr. T with all the times I talked about ex-MC, even long after I terminated. Because for a long time, it was obvious I had felt more attached to him. But T's should be able to handle that. Clients come and go all the time. Your current T knows you were very attached to ex-T, right? I think she'll understand.

I hope current T is helpful. Out of curiosity, would ex-T possibly be willing to meet with you for a single session? Just as a sort of catch-up? I know you emailed on occasion, but maybe it could help give you closure of some sort?
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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 04:24 PM
  #8
Please consider talking to your T. Really it shouldn't a competition with therapists. They ideally will support clients in the decisions that best fits their needs. That doesn't mean they won't potentially be sad to see a client to a client terminate before work is done. But they should understand.

I remember the first time I brought up the subject of seeing a second therapist for EMDR. Initially her reaction told me she would be sad for me to terminate but she said she would always support me in whatever I felt I needed to do in order to help me. She said she would stop seeing me while I saw that T and after we could resume our work IF I wanted to. I asked her if tbr reason she would stop seeing me is because of insurance purposes or because of therapy "norms". It was because of insurance. When I told her I had looked into insurance and my insurance would cover both. I had no intention of stopping our work. I would see the other to to supplement our work. She was very supportive but wanted to be upfront with the second person from the beginning.

After long term Ts passing I cried A LOT about her with EMFR T. I often felt bad about it. I sometimes apologized for talking about her so much. I was told to never apologize she knew about the unique and long term relationship I had with T. She brought me through a lot of horrible times and I am where I am emotionally from all those years of work. It was not or will it ever be a competition. She will never be they to be long term T. Long term t is always allowed into our sessiksn whether to discuss my feelings, grief, or the work we had accomplished. She respected all of that and will support me through it all. Besides one of my major issues is the inability to feel and express emotions.The loss of T had me doing all of that so she would never ant to repress that in our sessions

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Default Apr 03, 2021 at 05:02 PM
  #9
I talked about it with current T. I read her the email from former T. Current T did not agree with former T's decision not to see me, but we are both bound by it whether we want to be or not. I explored some layers of thoughts and feelings with current T about the situation. Abandonment, sadness, hurt, anger, confusion, loss of trust. We did some EMDR. I don't feel particularly better but that's because I don't always think current T knows what she is doing. I did tell her I haven't told her half as much as former T and I am doubting that former T ever cared about me. 10 years and $25,000.00 means nothing apparently. Current T said she knows former T cared. How or why I don't know. I haven't been able to cry about it. Current T said I will survive this. Of course. What option do I have? I haven't done anything to myself in response to this which makes me feel like real growth has happened. I just hate feeling shredded in two like I am currently. And its hard to hold it together. Really hard days right now.

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 02:52 PM
  #10
I'm so sorry, SlumberKitty. The position you're in sounds very painful and confusing.

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 02:57 PM
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I'm so sorry, SlumberKitty. The position you're in sounds very painful and confusing.
Thanks Beth, it is. Former T wrote me her response in email which is how I had contacted her initially. So I emailed her again and it's rather long. I put it in the thread about Dear T. I know she isn't going to change her mind but I wish I could understand her reasoning better. When we parted ways due to her MS, she made it sound like I could come back at some point if she were to come back to practicing. I know things change. People change. Etc. But I am beating myself up for not being good enough to be accepted back. The one person who I thought accepted me despite everything I told her doesn't want me. It's beyond painful. It's agonizing.

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 03:18 PM
  #12
Oof, this is painful. She might have sound reasoning and she might be thinking about your well-being in making her decision, but this must be really hard to live with. I hope you can maintain some discussion with her, or with your current therapist, to help you ease or understand some of the pain.
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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 03:42 PM
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Thank you @comrademoomoo

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 03:46 PM
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Oh, Kit. I'm so sorry. that sounds so painful. I hope you are able to work through this with current t. I'm glad you started talking with her about it.
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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 03:52 PM
  #15
Kit,
That must have been really hard! I'm sorry she refused.

I can relate. When ex-T abandoned me, I reached out to a previous T to see if she would see me. She refused. Her reasoning was that she was only seeing a handful of clients and was planning on retiring soon. I understood, but it still hurt. And she didn't offer any other support or suggestions.

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 03:57 PM
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Kit, I'm so sorry. I read your email that you posted in Dear T, and I think you expressed yourself very well. I hope your former T responds soon and with understanding and compassion. I'm sorry your current T wasn't more helpful about this.
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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 04:04 PM
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Thanks everyone! I think current T just doesn't understand the depth of my feelings for former T and she can't understand why former T doesn't let me come back because her own personal code of ethics would allow anyone to come back (maybe an exception if they had threatened her or something). Current T did say that different T's have different codes of ethics regarding former clients. But I don't think current T really gets it. My hope is that former T will discuss it with me a little bit more so at least the pain won't be so much. I don't know if she will. She hasn't talked to me since December and that was just a quick, "Hang in there" text when I was in fear of relapsing into SH. If I mean anything to her at all anymore, I think she will reply. If she doesn't, I'll know that my time of her caring about me is up as well as the time of me getting to see her. She says I have her care but I really don't and I'm not a child. She doesn't need to pretend to give me something she isn't willing or able to give me. I just thought 10 years and $25,000.00 meant something to her. I thought I meant something to her. Even though I don't blame her decision, I just hurt so much because of it. My depression is just like through the roof right now.

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Default Apr 05, 2021 at 06:04 PM
  #18
I'm really sorry, Kit. I have felt completely rejected by my mother figure therapist, and it was awful. Like, soul-crushing awful. It was some of the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In your case, I can see how it would feel particularly horrible because you don't totally understand why it's happening.

I wonder if maybe there is another therapist out there who really gets you and who can help you process this. You haven't seemed to really vibe with your current T. When you talk about your sessions, it doesn't sound like it's about you but rather something that's sort of pleasant but also confusing and ultimately doesn't really have an impact on your life. Several times I've also wondered if she has all her faculties, like when she's late or confused or does something that I don't think is actually EMDR at all. There are lots of good therapists out there who understand relationships and attachment and who could help you with your former T situation and with some of your childhood stuff too.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 09:22 AM
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I'm very sorry that your old T did not want to resume sessions with you SK. I don't understand her reasoning but can only imagine how unendurable that must be for you..

It seems to be more about her than about you, though. Is there any possibility to have a face to face with her? I don't mean for closure but an opportunity to discuss and address your feelings? For her to hear you out.

As for your current T, yes sometimes they miss the importance of what we are saying and/or what we are going through. I would tell her again... And again.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:00 AM
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I'm really sorry, Kit. I have felt completely rejected by my mother figure therapist, and it was awful. Like, soul-crushing awful. It was some of the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In your case, I can see how it would feel particularly horrible because you don't totally understand why it's happening.

I wonder if maybe there is another therapist out there who really gets you and who can help you process this. You haven't seemed to really vibe with your current T. When you talk about your sessions, it doesn't sound like it's about you but rather something that's sort of pleasant but also confusing and ultimately doesn't really have an impact on your life. Several times I've also wondered if she has all her faculties, like when she's late or confused or does something that I don't think is actually EMDR at all. There are lots of good therapists out there who understand relationships and attachment and who could help you with your former T situation and with some of your childhood stuff too.
Thank you EM. Yes, it is soul crushing awful and worse because I cannot bring myself to cry about it. The tears come to my eyes but they don't fall.
Possible trigger:
I could try a sad movie or something, just to be able to get some tears out.


It's made worse by the fact that my sister and the children left their home over a week ago. I fear DV. She is coming with the children, four of them, one is out of the country, to our house for a day, a couple days, who knows. So we can get a better idea of what happened. So I have intense stress at the moment and then also intense loss.

You are kind of right about my T. I've looked at other T's in Psychology Today in my area and none of them seem like a good fit. I don't know what I even need from a T right now. I need them to be there when I'm in crisis but when I'm not in crisis it's like nothing substantial happens during the session and I don't know how to change that. My current T is very kind but I'm not attached to her. I don't think she understands fully what is transpiring between me and former T and I don't think she grasps the depth of my pain. I don't think she really knows what to do with me. Maybe you only get one good T in your life and then the rest you are stuck with mediocre. I don't know. I'll look again on psychology today and see what pops out. Thanks for your care.

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