advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 02:58 AM
  #1
I have a new therapist whom I’ve seen maybe 10 times. I’ve been in therapy a couple of times before, but after I’ve finished it, I always end up in the same place after a while. I can’t seem to live my life without a lot of anxiety.

My new T mentioned emotional neglect a few weeks ago, and I immediately shrugged it off. I had loving parents and a healthy childhood. When I got home after the conversation with my T, I started thinking about my mom. She always made me feel like I shouldn’t feel the way I felt, I shouldn’t express my feelings and the main focus in her life was the appearance towards other people.

It’s hard to explain how she acted because it was so subtle. I wasn’t allowed to wear what I wanted until I was 10 years old. She never encouraged me to express myself, my opinion never mattered to her. When I was sad or scared, she made me feel like I exaggerated. She made me feel even worse. I stopped talking to her about things that matter. Even now, when I’m 35 years old, I can’t tell her what I really feel. When I discovered this about my mom I told my T and we discussed it. I realized that I do this in all my relationship, I hide myself. I’m so afraid that people will dismiss me and my feelings. And the result is anxiety. A lot of anxiety.

Now that I’ve realized this, I’m so afraid that I will be too much to handle for my therapist… What if she leaves me? I’m so afraid that I will be too attached to her and she will leave and I will be alone with all this again. I’m in therapy through company health care (I live in an European country) and that makes the number of therapy sessions limited, but I don’t know how many sessions I’m entitled to. It depends on my T and my boss I think.

I hate that I have to depend on her. She says that I need to practice being dependent and to rely on other people. But how can I rely on her when I know that sooner or later, she’s gonna leave me? I know that if I let myself, I may be very attached to her. It has happened before with people that are similar to her. But the pain that comes along with that sort of attachment is too much for me to handle.

I already have trouble sleeping, I’m constantly tired and sad and distracted. I have two small children and I need to be present with them, not constantly thinking about the past. But at the same time, I know I need therapy in order to be an OK mom to them. Sometimes I find myself acting towards my daughter the same way my mother did to me. It really scares me. I always apologaize to her, something my mother never did to me.

It hurts so much to realize that my childhood wasn’t what I thought it was. At the same time it explains so much. And now I understand that the critical voice inside my head is really my mom. I’ve had anxiety my whole life, I’ve had an eating disorder, panic attacks since I was 14, I’ve hurt myself when the pain has been too much and I’ve been depressed a couple of times. I’ve also been in a violent relationship. It all makes sense now… Does anyone have a similar experience and how did you heal? CAN you even heal from this?

Sorry if my English isn’t perfect, it’s not my first language.
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Favorite Jeans, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2

advertisement
Lostislost
Veteran Member
Lostislost has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: Uk
Posts: 557
3 yr Member
890 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 04:14 AM
  #2
I’m not a therapist or anything, but as your therapist brought up the emotional neglect, maybe your T could already see you were affected by it? So I wouldn’t think it means you are too much for them to handle now. Therapists are used to helping people with all different kinds of neglect, they want to help you get better. I can see how it would be scary to not know how long you get with your T, but if it’s through work can you just say you are really finding it helpful...maybe they can keep giving you sessions?

You seem to have realised so much about yourself in such a short time with your T. I think that’s great! Lots of people go years without realising anything. Is it possible to make the most of this time you have with your T, to really open up to them (in the way you couldn’t with your mother)...it could be such a positive experience for you, even if it is short term.
Lostislost is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Favorite Jeans, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 04:49 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostislost View Post
I’m not a therapist or anything, but as your therapist brought up the emotional neglect, maybe your T could already see you were affected by it? So I wouldn’t think it means you are too much for them to handle now. Therapists are used to helping people with all different kinds of neglect, they want to help you get better. I can see how it would be scary to not know how long you get with your T, but if it’s through work can you just say you are really finding it helpful...maybe they can keep giving you sessions?

You seem to have realised so much about yourself in such a short time with your T. I think that’s great! Lots of people go years without realising anything. Is it possible to make the most of this time you have with your T, to really open up to them (in the way you couldn’t with your mother)...it could be such a positive experience for you, even if it is short term.

Thank you. I’ve been in therapy before and I guess I already knew deep down that everything was about my mom. But I couldn’t exactly see in what way and now I do.

My boss is very understanding and she knows that I need therapy and she wants to help me. So I don’t think she’ll limit the sessions anytime soon, but I’m still afraid of trusting my T. It’s so scary and it makes me feel so vunerable. And how can I allow myself to feel all those feelings that I’ve hidden for so long? I don’t even know how to feel stuff anymore.

But finally I understand the void inside of me that no one has been able to explain.
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Lostislost, Quietmind 2
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 05:48 AM
  #4
It’s good that you’re taking on board what your therapist has said; coming to the realisation that you were emotionally neglected is pretty crucial to your healing - it’s also really good that you recognise when you’re repeating that (learned) behaviour and making a conscious effort to break the pattern. It’s not easy, as like you said, what your mum did was very subtle.
I’ve had similar issues with my mum, too. I’ve come to realise my relationship with her is actually quite superficial in some ways, because I stopped sharing things with her unless I was desperate for her help, because I got the blame for things that, sometimes even quite obviously, weren’t my fault. I think I’m not really allowed my own feelings at home, either. I’m not allowed to be really angry, for example, at least not if it doesn’t relate to my dad’s alcoholism in some way. But as you’ve realised, feelings that aren’t expressed often just get internalised.
I do think it’s possible to heal, but it does take time, conscious effort and effective guidance.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
comrademoomoo
Grand Poohbah
 
comrademoomoo's Avatar
comrademoomoo is losing at chess, winning at blundering
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,698
5 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 08:50 AM
  #5
Quote:
Now that I’ve realized this, I’m so afraid that I will be too much to handle for my therapist… What if she leaves me? I’m so afraid that I will be too attached to her and she will leave and I will be alone with all this again.
I think this would be a really valuable fear to share with your therapist in order that you can explore what's going on for you now and simultaneously how it reflects your childhood fears. It sounds very much as if you are describing your feelings about your mother: if I am honest with her or if I assert my true self, will I be too much and so disagreeable that my mother will leave me? If my mother rejects me, I am alone and I am in danger. These are archetypal fears and ancient dreads.
comrademoomoo is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
ElectricManatee, here today, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 12:34 PM
  #6
I had years and years of therapy and the last therapist DID terminate/reject me, leading to the experience of the feelings and, eventually, memory of past similar feelings that comrademoomoo expressed so well. I was not aware of the fears or the past feelings -- I had very good defenses, I guess you could say, despite my best conscious efforts to get to the bottom of things. And never found a therapist who could tolerate my feelings and help me get past them.

Hopefully this therapist CAN help you -- but the void can lead to very treacherous waters, too. So, just so you know. And to validate your fears.

I had acted toward my daughter sometimes like my mother had to me, too. It scared me and I took her to therapy and went myself, too, as I said. My daughter is now grown and with a family of her own. We are not close, but she does seem to be doing OK. Her kids, too. Hopefully.
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 01:23 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
It’s good that you’re taking on board what your therapist has said; coming to the realisation that you were emotionally neglected is pretty crucial to your healing - it’s also really good that you recognise when you’re repeating that (learned) behaviour and making a conscious effort to break the pattern. It’s not easy, as like you said, what your mum did was very subtle. Det var
I’ve had similar issues with my mum, too. I’ve come to realise my relationship with her is actually quite superficial in some ways, because I stopped sharing things with her unless I was desperate for her help, because I got the blame for things that, sometimes even quite obviously, weren’t my fault. I think I’m not really allowed my own feelings at home, either. I’m not allowed to be really angry, for example, at least not if it doesn’t relate to my dad’s alcoholism in some way. But as you’ve realised, feelings that aren’t expressed often just get internalised.
I do think it’s possible to heal, but it does take time, conscious effort and effective guidance.
sorry to hear you have similar experiences. My relationship with my mom today is also superficial... I never share anything really important. I was never allowed to be angry at home, I remember a burning feeling in my chest but I could never express it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
I think this would be a really valuable fear to share with your therapist in order that you can explore what's going on for you now and simultaneously how it reflects your childhood fears. It sounds very much as if you are describing your feelings about your mother: if I am honest with her or if I assert my true self, will I be too much and so disagreeable that my mother will leave me? If my mother rejects me, I am alone and I am in danger. These are archetypal fears and ancient dreads.
I guess I should tell her... she knows that I’m having problems trusting her and that it’s very important for me to do so, but she doesn’t know how scared I am that she’s going to leave me. Like my mom always did, she left me alone with feelings I didn’t understand. But it feels so weird since I’m an adult now, shouldn’t my mind separate these things? I mean separate my feelings for my mom and for my T.
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
comrademoomoo
Grand Poohbah
 
comrademoomoo's Avatar
comrademoomoo is losing at chess, winning at blundering
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,698
5 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 01:29 PM
  #8
These feelings are not the business of your mind. These feelings are somatic and emotional experiences, your body and your heart are feeling these fears and anxieties.
comrademoomoo is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
here today, Quietmind 2, SlumberKitty
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 01:38 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
I had years and years of therapy and the last therapist DID terminate/reject me, leading to the experience of the feelings and, eventually, memory of past similar feelings that comrademoomoo expressed so well. I was not aware of the fears or the past feelings -- I had very good defenses, I guess you could say, despite my best conscious efforts to get to the bottom of things. And never found a therapist who could tolerate my feelings and help me get past them.

Hopefully this therapist CAN help you -- but the void can lead to very treacherous waters, too. So, just so you know. And to validate your fears.

I had acted toward my daughter sometimes like my mother had to me, too. It scared me and I took her to therapy and went myself, too, as I said. My daughter is now grown and with a family of her own. We are not close, but she does seem to be doing OK. Her kids, too. Hopefully.
Thank you for your validation! This is what scares me very much - that I will only be making it worse by trying to ”solve” things. The past has happened. I just wish to be a better mom for my kids myself.

I feel trapped. Trapped in my life, with wonderful kids and a husband and a job and a house. I have everything and I want to escape from myself. It’s sad. And that’s the reason I started therapy this time, I couldn’t work anymore, couldn’t sleep, screamed at the kids and wanted to run away from it all. I would never leave them but I have to try this... for my kids. They are young so I hope I still have a chance to repair if I’ve done wrong.
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 01:44 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
These feelings are not the business of your mind. These feelings are somatic and emotional experiences, your body and your heart are feeling these fears and anxieties.
I don’t know if I understand. Is it like a trigger, like flashbacks from my childhood? That the relationship with my T resemble my relationship with my mom and that’s why I’m so afraid? Because my mom did leave me, so many times. I felt completely alone and I had to go through it all alone. It was devastating.
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mystical_Being
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
Favorite Jeans
Grand Poohbah
 
Favorite Jeans's Avatar
Favorite Jeans has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: In my head
Posts: 1,787
10 yr Member
1,819 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2021 at 09:45 PM
  #11
I can relate to this a lot. It helped me to think of my therapy as a gift I was giving my kids. Whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it, I imagined how it would have been if my parents, particularly my mom, had done some of that work themselves. What would it have been like if the message I’d gotten had been that who I was and what felt most natural and comfortable to me was exactly the right way for me to be? That they loved me just as I was?

Yesterday my daughter picked out a dress that I thought was fairly ugly. I really wanted to discourage her from buying it. But she loved it and it was within the price range we’d agreed upon. She wore it to school today and when she got dressed this morning I saw her looking in the mirror and could tell she was very pleased with herself. To me, that confidence and her sense of her own style is awesome and beautiful and suddenly the dress seemed pretty cute.

It’s a small thing, but also a big one that I didn’t ruin that joy for her, that I allowed her to have that autonomy and that confidence in her body and her own coolness. It’s a thing I had to learn. My children’s way is the right way for them, I can offer guidance but I have to honour who they are and how they find their way. And therapy is the right place to work out all my anxiety about the unfamiliarity of that or the grief that I didn’t get it, or the awkwardness learning to be myself and trying to model something that is very much a work in progress.

You alone are worth it, it doesn’t have to be about sacrificing for your kids. But sometimes when I’m worried that the pain of something might be too much to bear, if I think, “I’m doing this to keep my kids from harm” the whole thing immediately comes into sharp focus and I know I can bear it.
Favorite Jeans is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Amandae8787, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, Quietmind 2
Amandae8787
Member
Amandae8787 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 76
3 yr Member
45 hugs
given
Default Apr 07, 2021 at 01:37 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans View Post
I can relate to this a lot. It helped me to think of my therapy as a gift I was giving my kids. Whenever I felt like I couldn’t stand it, I imagined how it would have been if my parents, particularly my mom, had done some of that work themselves. What would it have been like if the message I’d gotten had been that who I was and what felt most natural and comfortable to me was exactly the right way for me to be? That they loved me just as I was?

Yesterday my daughter picked out a dress that I thought was fairly ugly. I really wanted to discourage her from buying it. But she loved it and it was within the price range we’d agreed upon. She wore it to school today and when she got dressed this morning I saw her looking in the mirror and could tell she was very pleased with herself. To me, that confidence and her sense of her own style is awesome and beautiful and suddenly the dress seemed pretty cute.

It’s a small thing, but also a big one that I didn’t ruin that joy for her, that I allowed her to have that autonomy and that confidence in her body and her own coolness. It’s a thing I had to learn. My children’s way is the right way for them, I can offer guidance but I have to honour who they are and how they find their way. And therapy is the right place to work out all my anxiety about the unfamiliarity of that or the grief that I didn’t get it, or the awkwardness learning to be myself and trying to model something that is very much a work in progress.

You alone are worth it, it doesn’t have to be about sacrificing for your kids. But sometimes when I’m worried that the pain of something might be too much to bear, if I think, “I’m doing this to keep my kids from harm” the whole thing immediately comes into sharp focus and I know I can bear it.
Thank you for this, it made me realize the difference between me and my mom. I let my kids wear what they want and I try not to let them know my feelings about their outfits.. I try to value their opinions, my mom was almost never interested in mine. And if she did ask me, I usually gave her the ”wrong” answer...
Amandae8787 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:21 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.