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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
5 |
#1
And now I feel ugly.
She was being supportive and gentle by offering additional sessions and offering to arrange alternative support for me during her upcoming break. I responded with hostility because I felt patronised and pitied. I can be relentless with my unkindness and I really pushed, including ridiculing her and deliberately hitting on some of her insecurities. Initially she was angry and exasperated, and then she cried. She said she was hurt that I would discard her care and treat our relationship in this way. She has had a recent family bereavement so I know that she isn't in a great place and consequently I feel particularly unkind. I intended to hurt her. I have been working on
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It's horrid revealing these most unwanted parts of myself to her. I know this is the nature of therapy and I want to work with these shadow parts because otherwise I will be forever trapped by them, but this hurts! |
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
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#2
The positive part of this is that you recognize what is going on in a way that I suspect your mother never would have been capable of doing. That's a positive quality in you; don't forget that. It may take time to get to where your self-awareness kicks in BEFORE you say things that might be hurtful, but this is an important step in the right direction.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#3
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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ArtleyWilkins, Quietmind 2, SlumberKitty
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#4
I think it’s important to recognise and remember that you are not your mother, you’re working on yourself in a way that she probably never did. That makes you completely different and actually shows that although you may not always express the kind hearted soul, it is in you and you are trying your best and that is all anyone can ask. As clients we mess up and it can be painful. But messing up is the way we make progress. Hopefully a good repair following this rupture will allow the therapeutic relationship between you and your T to deepen even further.
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SalingerEsme
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#5
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I can think of occasions when I am kind hearted, but it seems fake, as if I am playing a role. In therapy, I don't play that role and so I am unpleasant and challenging and not much more. Although, she does keep working with me and has said very loving things to me. I wonder if I am brave enough to ask if she sees a kind heart in me. |
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#6
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto, unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#7
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I think there is goodness inside me, but I suppose I feel very uncomfortable about showing it. It's almost shameful. So, yes, I think something similar might be happening for me, thank you. |
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RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
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#8
I would notice my family looking at me very weirdly - with suspicion? - when i interacted with my young nephew, and i remember thinking, are they surprised that i have this sweetness and light inside of me? Because i was surprised to discover it there myself. But it only lasted as long as his innocence did. It couldnt bear the weight of post-innocence, whatever that was.
Eta - altho i have always sensed a kindred spirit in you, that made me want to tease you, to tell you i saw that your spikes were false - that i didnt believe them, or that they were meant for me. I never believed it about my mother either. She had to literally
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Veteran Member
Member Since May 2017
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#9
You seem to have a good insight of what happens. Maybe just a simple apology for trying to hurt her intentionally? And talk about all that happened in your head later. I'm sure it is turning out just fine. I used to have my T's holidays as well.
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SlumberKitty
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comrademoomoo
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
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#10
I'm curious about what effect it had on you when she cried. I'm not sure how I'd react if my T showed that something I said hurt him that much.
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SlumberKitty
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here today
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#11
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I feel the kindred spirit too. This made me properly smile. It's rare for the spikes to be understood. Beans, beans, they're good for your heart The more you eat, the more you fart. |
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RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#12
It's not unusual for her to cry, usually out of empathy and being moved by what I have shared or what I am experiencing. I find her tears weird, but I have grown used to them. I often react with a bit of an eye roll and "Here she goes again". In this instance, if I am honest, a part of me felt triumphant: Aha! I have hurt her! My arrow hit. Another part felt really sad and regretful, as if I had kicked a puppy.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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susannahsays
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#13
I had a therapist cry in a session because of something I said about her but I was not trying to hurt her, I even tried to word things as mindfully as possible. I felt like I had to take care of her and comfort her so the whole session turned into that. I am glad you didn't feel that way.
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SlumberKitty
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comrademoomoo
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#14
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SlumberKitty
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susannahsays
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#15
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Well we had a dual role so it seemed she liked it. She did say through tears "this isn't therapy" and tried to turn the focus back on me but made the entire session about herself. I even told her what I meant when I said what I said but then again the whole relationship with her wasn't ethical or healthy. Do you think you are acting out old patterns by how you treat your therapist or are you just kind of fed up with her or something else entirely? |
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SlumberKitty
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Junior Member
Member Since Apr 2021
Location: Colombia
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#16
Self awareness and a willingness to admit and correct your errors and flaws are great virtues. You can't change the past but you can always strive towards not making the same mistakes and improving.
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SlumberKitty
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comrademoomoo, Mystical_Being, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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#17
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SlumberKitty
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Mystical_Being
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
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#18
Do you feel like you want to punish her, or someone for what happened to you, even though at the same time you recognise she doesn’t deserve it? That’s understandable, since we can’t always get justice or revenge against the people/person who hurt us originally.
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SlumberKitty
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
Location: USA
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#19
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It's too bad the therapist couldn't or didn't have time to bring the conversation back to that, or to asking where your reaction was coming from. But, maybe it was at the end of the session, with little time, and as you said she wasn't in the best of places. |
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SlumberKitty
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
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#20
Perhaps you could apologize? Acknowledge what you've written here. I too have lashed out at the therapist in ways she didn't deserve and felt awful about it. When I'm wallowing in self loathing and having a hard time seeing myself as not inherently bad, she has mentioned that she really appreciates how I apologize for my actions and that I have been willing to talk things out with her.
Perhaps you could make reparations to your therapist with an apology and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable by relating what you've said in your post about what is going on with you emotionally. To be clear, I have a personal rule to never apologize simply because someone feels wronged - I only apologize when I genuinely believe I have done wrong (and none of those passive aggressive, disingenuous apologies where one says they are sorry someone else felt some way). Since it sounds like you do have genuine remorse, I think an apology is appropriate and will be helpful not just in your relationship to your therapist, but also for your self image. In a sense, you hurt yourself by behaving in a way that violated your ego ideal/superego, the way you wish to be. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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