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Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
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#1
Venting post.
Had a bad session with my T this week. Realised that I want something from him which he probably can’t give: love. I want him to love me so much it hurts and I feel so much shame for wanting this. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt safe with and I have monstrous paternal transference. So when he’s “cold” I feel like he’s rejecting me and I feel pathetically hurt. I wish I could just grow up and not need him so much. Lately, I feel as though I go in and have nothing to say. But the feelings are there, the angst is there, I just don’t know how to voice it. Sometimes I worry that this relationship has become an obsession and is taking over my life. I don’t want to end therapy, this isn’t what I mean at all. I just want to find a way to communicate what’s inside me better. I worry he thinks I’m stupid and that I have nothing to say and that I’m wasting his time. I’m the last appointment on the day and sometimes i get the feeling he has to wait around for me to arrive because he doesn’t have patients for a few hours before me. And then I show up and mumble my way through the session and have all these uncensored disgusting needs and he’s probably thinking, “ffs, I’m wasting my evening on this annoying woman who’s suffocating me! Look at all those disgusting needs that show on her face! She doesn’t even need to tell me about them, I can see them!” He’d probably be relieved if I suddenly stopped showing up for sessions. I genuinely feel so pathetic, like what even am I? How am I failing at therapy? How do I fix it? I can’t tell him I feel this way, Im scared he’ll say I’ve been in therapy for too long and maybe it’s time to stop. How do I get the ball rolling again? Sorry, I know this all sound childish. The needy/angsty side of me seems to have taken over. It wants me to go back and shake him and scream: JUST SEE ME!!!! JUST CARE ABOUT ME! JUST READ MY MIND AND GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! STOP TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, WHY IS IT TOO LATE TO GET WHAT I DIDNT GET AS A KID?! |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
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#2
HUGS Merope. Maybe you could write some of it down before hand and either hand it to him or read it to him. He can't read your thoughts or your mind, he probably wishes he could so he could help you better. Maybe just copy and paste this post and bring it in to talk to him about it.
You aren't pathetic, although I certainly understand the feeling. I've had it enough times in regards to therapy. You are not failing at therapy. You may be having some trouble communicating but that is not failing. How do you fix it? Breathe. Tell him there's stuff you want to talk about but you are having trouble talking about it. There's a starting point. How to get the ball rolling again? Just take it one session at a time. Make a plan to tell him one important thought or feeling each session. I'm sorry if you didn't want a response. I know that you said it was a venting post. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Many of us have probably had the same or similar feelings about therapy and the therapy relationship before. I don't think you are pathetic at all. HUGS if wanted, Kit. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Always in This Twilight
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#3
Hugs, Merope. Are you sure you aren't actually me? Or seeing my T? Because I'm going through a very similar thing with him right now. Though for me, it's more wanting to express my love for him and having him accept it. Which I've sort of done before, like a couple years ago. And now he seems all weird about it again, talking about what he feels is appropriate in therapy and basically telling me yesterday that I shouldn't tell him certain feelings, that I should keep him out of it. How there are things we feel but shouldn't tell people. And it's really painful, in part because it's dredging up messages from my parents that I shouldn't share feelings and that certain feelings aren't appropriate...
I cancelled, then uncancelled my session for tomorrow. I'm worried.. I feel like therapists should be able to deal with feelings like this. You're not pathetic (or if you are, then I am, too). And the shame from this can be so painful.... I wish they could just love us, express their love, like we want. Sorry, this post was kind of all about me, but I'm trying to say that I get it, and that it sucks... |
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#4
I feel I could have written your post last year. I used to feel the same way and it was a horrible feeling. Then I had a therapist who decided to "play mom" and try to meet those needs I had that weren't met when I was a kid and she did love me (or so I thought) and told me so a few times. Then she disappeared and the whole thing retraumatized me and I ended up needing therapy to deal with therapy gone wrong. It can be nice when a therapist loves us and expresses it but I feel more empowered that my current therapist is teaching me to love myself. Unfortunately no one can meet those needs but ourselves and its been a very bitter pill I have had to swallow. But the therapist is just there as a temporary guide and you will always have yourself so if you can learn to give yourself that love it will always be there. I know I was in a place were a message like this would not have been helpful but hopefully you can see the wisdom in it.
There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok to have these feelings and to have needs. The best thing is to just talk to him about how you are feeling. You could copy and paste what you have written here and print it for him if its hard to get the words out. You are def not pathetic. You didn't get something important and vital as a kid so its natural to need it and want it. I hope you are gentle with yourself as you feel all of this as its tough stuff. Gentle hugs if wanted. |
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Veteran Member
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#5
Thanks all, I appreciate the replies and the knowledge that I’m not alone in feeling this way.
I thought that I’d feel better after a nights sleep but I don’t. I know that he cares, but my mind tells me that he doesn’t. I don’t even know what I want from therapy anymore. I never had goals as such, all of my angst seemed to evade meaning. Over time, I realised I kept going back for the relationships. I know that I’ll have to provide emotional safety for myself, but I’m just not there yet. I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but part of me wants to be “saved” by him. Maybe we were both just having a bit of an off day, i don’t know. I just felt like he didn’t really see me, or if he did, he dismissed a side of me as less anxiety inducing than it actually is. We’ve had meh sessions before but I don’t remember feeling quite so fragile after them. Maybe things are adding up. Maybe I’m reading too much into it and he’s actually ok with me. I need to get better organised at going into sessions with something serious to talk about. I don’t know if I can (ever) tell him about these feelings, I’m scared he’ll read it as criticism and be put off. It’s not criticism...it’s just an old wound poking it’s ugly head out. I’m also scared that if I mention this, he’ll just reiterate that he can’t save me (which I obviously know on a logical level) and it will feel like the sort of rejection that makes you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life. I don’t know. Things have been really hard this year, I feel like I’m at the end of my tether and he’s not seeing it because I don’t know how to voice it. Or maybe he sees it and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Or maybe he thinks I’m playing it up for attention because I seem ok. I haven’t even cried in session for ages. Perfect makeup, jokes, small talk. But he probably senses the desperation: I’m trying to clutch at something that’s there between us. |
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...............
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#6
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And given this past year -- you are far from alone. |
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Always in This Twilight
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#7
Quote:
I agree that there's nothing wrong with wanting it. I think I wanted that from my ex-marriage counselor. And I also agree that realizing it can't happen could be considered progress. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
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#8
I hope I am not going to sound confrontational when I say this because that is not my intention at all.
He might not be able to save you, but he can provide you with something restorative or reparative. For example, he can offer you a different relational experience where you can encounter hurt and conflict and start to resolve your pain. The most important part is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough in order that you can experience soothing. So when you say: Quote:
I say all of this with a big caveat that this depends on him being a skilled therapist who can both commit to hard work and maintain safety - not an assumption to take lightly. Maybe this is part of what you are questioning: if I open up and allow these raw feelings out, would he be capable enough to help me and not break me? |
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Member
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#9
You said you feel that he is cold towards you, would it help to express this to him in the moments that you feel this, or at a later time refer back to those specific moments? He might be able to correct that and explain that he wasn’t feeling cold to you in that moment? He might surprise you and you might find he was feeling the opposite?
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#10
Quote:
What you say makes a lot of sense (at least to the rational adult side of me). I also think you're right about the bigger question being: "is he capable enough to handle me/help me/not break me?" Because I don't know what the realization that he's not capable would do to me after so many years of working with him. I think I should try to be brave and tell him at least some of this because ultimately that is the way to move forward, to progress in therapy. And you're right, these ugly feelings would be happening in a safe, negotiated, and supported relationship. And it would feel so good to be able to open up about this to him and be met with acceptance. Because while I'm scared of being rejected by him, I also realize that there is a possibility for the opposite to happen. Thank you for putting this into perspective, you've honestly really helped me! |
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#11
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SalingerEsme
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#12
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...............
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#13
Quote:
For me, there's also a layer of not wanting to burden the other person with the emotions that come from their own helplessness of the situation or something like that. I'm not completely sure what it is - burden is always the word that comes to mind when I am in that place. |
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Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
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#14
Quote:
I also know what you mean about “burdening” someone. I’m scared my unbridled emotions might scare others away because they’re too much, too manipulative etc. Not being comfortable with expressing needs/wishes etc out of fear that that other person will think I’m too much to handle and reject me. |
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Always in This Twilight
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#15
Quote:
I understand this. I've told my T before that I'm afraid I'm "too much for him," and he's assured me that I'm not. I'm pretty sure (via therapy) that it's from childhood messages from my parents about keeping certain emotions and needs inside. I think that would be something for you to talk about with your therapist. |
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Veteran Member
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#16
Session is later today and I’m planning on telling him some of this...I hope I don’t chicken out! Vulnerability is a ****ing scary thing!
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Always in This Twilight
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#17
I hope it goes well, Merope!
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Magnate
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#18
Vulnerability is indeed scary but it shows your strength.
I hope your session goes well. |
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