advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Unhappy Apr 08, 2021 at 02:47 PM
  #1
Venting post.

Had a bad session with my T this week. Realised that I want something from him which he probably can’t give: love. I want him to love me so much it hurts and I feel so much shame for wanting this. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt safe with and I have monstrous paternal transference. So when he’s “cold” I feel like he’s rejecting me and I feel pathetically hurt. I wish I could just grow up and not need him so much.

Lately, I feel as though I go in and have nothing to say. But the feelings are there, the angst is there, I just don’t know how to voice it. Sometimes I worry that this relationship has become an obsession and is taking over my life. I don’t want to end therapy, this isn’t what I mean at all. I just want to find a way to communicate what’s inside me better. I worry he thinks I’m stupid and that I have nothing to say and that I’m wasting his time. I’m the last appointment on the day and sometimes i get the feeling he has to wait around for me to arrive because he doesn’t have patients for a few hours before me. And then I show up and mumble my way through the session and have all these uncensored disgusting needs and he’s probably thinking, “ffs, I’m wasting my evening on this annoying woman who’s suffocating me! Look at all those disgusting needs that show on her face! She doesn’t even need to tell me about them, I can see them!” He’d probably be relieved if I suddenly stopped showing up for sessions.

I genuinely feel so pathetic, like what even am I? How am I failing at therapy? How do I fix it? I can’t tell him I feel this way, Im scared he’ll say I’ve been in therapy for too long and maybe it’s time to stop. How do I get the ball rolling again?

Sorry, I know this all sound childish. The needy/angsty side of me seems to have taken over. It wants me to go back and shake him and scream: JUST SEE ME!!!! JUST CARE ABOUT ME! JUST READ MY MIND AND GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! STOP TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, WHY IS IT TOO LATE TO GET WHAT I DIDNT GET AS A KID?!
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Amandae8787, Anonymous47147, ArtieTheSequal, daisydid, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, NP_Complete, precaryous, RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme, ScarletPimpernel, SlumberKitty

advertisement
SlumberKitty
Legendary Wise Elder
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is staying stable.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
117.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 08, 2021 at 02:58 PM
  #2
HUGS Merope. Maybe you could write some of it down before hand and either hand it to him or read it to him. He can't read your thoughts or your mind, he probably wishes he could so he could help you better. Maybe just copy and paste this post and bring it in to talk to him about it.


You aren't pathetic, although I certainly understand the feeling. I've had it enough times in regards to therapy.


You are not failing at therapy. You may be having some trouble communicating but that is not failing.


How do you fix it? Breathe. Tell him there's stuff you want to talk about but you are having trouble talking about it. There's a starting point.


How to get the ball rolling again? Just take it one session at a time. Make a plan to tell him one important thought or feeling each session.


I'm sorry if you didn't want a response. I know that you said it was a venting post. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Many of us have probably had the same or similar feelings about therapy and the therapy relationship before. I don't think you are pathetic at all. HUGS if wanted, Kit.

__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Merope, Mystical_Being
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Merope, Mystical_Being, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 08, 2021 at 03:53 PM
  #3
Hugs, Merope. Are you sure you aren't actually me? Or seeing my T? Because I'm going through a very similar thing with him right now. Though for me, it's more wanting to express my love for him and having him accept it. Which I've sort of done before, like a couple years ago. And now he seems all weird about it again, talking about what he feels is appropriate in therapy and basically telling me yesterday that I shouldn't tell him certain feelings, that I should keep him out of it. How there are things we feel but shouldn't tell people. And it's really painful, in part because it's dredging up messages from my parents that I shouldn't share feelings and that certain feelings aren't appropriate...

I cancelled, then uncancelled my session for tomorrow. I'm worried.. I feel like therapists should be able to deal with feelings like this. You're not pathetic (or if you are, then I am, too). And the shame from this can be so painful.... I wish they could just love us, express their love, like we want.

Sorry, this post was kind of all about me, but I'm trying to say that I get it, and that it sucks...
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Merope, Mystical_Being, NP_Complete, RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme
 
Thanks for this!
Merope, Quietmind 2, SalingerEsme
Mystical_Being
Member
Mystical_Being has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: US
Posts: 79
5 yr Member
922 hugs
given
Default Apr 08, 2021 at 05:16 PM
  #4
I feel I could have written your post last year. I used to feel the same way and it was a horrible feeling. Then I had a therapist who decided to "play mom" and try to meet those needs I had that weren't met when I was a kid and she did love me (or so I thought) and told me so a few times. Then she disappeared and the whole thing retraumatized me and I ended up needing therapy to deal with therapy gone wrong. It can be nice when a therapist loves us and expresses it but I feel more empowered that my current therapist is teaching me to love myself. Unfortunately no one can meet those needs but ourselves and its been a very bitter pill I have had to swallow. But the therapist is just there as a temporary guide and you will always have yourself so if you can learn to give yourself that love it will always be there. I know I was in a place were a message like this would not have been helpful but hopefully you can see the wisdom in it.

There is nothing wrong with you. It's ok to have these feelings and to have needs. The best thing is to just talk to him about how you are feeling. You could copy and paste what you have written here and print it for him if its hard to get the words out. You are def not pathetic. You didn't get something important and vital as a kid so its natural to need it and want it. I hope you are gentle with yourself as you feel all of this as its tough stuff. Gentle hugs if wanted.
Mystical_Being is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Amandae8787, LonesomeTonight, Merope, RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme
 
Thanks for this!
Merope, Quietmind 2, Rive., RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme, zoiecat
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 09, 2021 at 12:30 AM
  #5
Thanks all, I appreciate the replies and the knowledge that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

I thought that I’d feel better after a nights sleep but I don’t. I know that he cares, but my mind tells me that he doesn’t. I don’t even know what I want from therapy anymore. I never had goals as such, all of my angst seemed to evade meaning. Over time, I realised I kept going back for the relationships. I know that I’ll have to provide emotional safety for myself, but I’m just not there yet. I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but part of me wants to be “saved” by him.

Maybe we were both just having a bit of an off day, i don’t know. I just felt like he didn’t really see me, or if he did, he dismissed a side of me as less anxiety inducing than it actually is. We’ve had meh sessions before but I don’t remember feeling quite so fragile after them. Maybe things are adding up. Maybe I’m reading too much into it and he’s actually ok with me. I need to get better organised at going into sessions with something serious to talk about. I don’t know if I can (ever) tell him about these feelings, I’m scared he’ll read it as criticism and be put off. It’s not criticism...it’s just an old wound poking it’s ugly head out. I’m also scared that if I mention this, he’ll just reiterate that he can’t save me (which I obviously know on a logical level) and it will feel like the sort of rejection that makes you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life.

I don’t know. Things have been really hard this year, I feel like I’m at the end of my tether and he’s not seeing it because I don’t know how to voice it. Or maybe he sees it and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Or maybe he thinks I’m playing it up for attention because I seem ok. I haven’t even cried in session for ages. Perfect makeup, jokes, small talk. But he probably senses the desperation: I’m trying to clutch at something that’s there between us.
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Amandae8787, Elio, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
comrademoomoo, Quietmind 2
Elio
...............
Elio is not home, please leave a message at the beep.... ... ... ...
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,906
15 yr Member
8,739 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 10, 2021 at 07:05 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merope View Post
I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but part of me wants to be “saved” by him.
I know you feel this way and I know others believe this... I don't. I don't think it is wrong to WANT to be "saved" by him. I think it's an important step that you have realized that it can't really happen. That doesn't make it wrong to want it or even at times need it. And to me, it makes perfect sense to want this - to even need it - for some of us, given whatever lived and living experiences we've have.

And given this past year -- you are far from alone.
Elio is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Merope, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, Merope, Quietmind 2, Rive., RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 10, 2021 at 07:31 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio View Post
I know you feel this way and I know others believe this... I don't. I don't think it is wrong to WANT to be "saved" by him. I think it's an important step that you have realized that it can't really happen. That doesn't make it wrong to want it or even at times need it. And to me, it makes perfect sense to want this - to even need it - for some of us, given whatever lived and living experiences we've have.

And given this past year -- you are far from alone.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with wanting it. I think I wanted that from my ex-marriage counselor. And I also agree that realizing it can't happen could be considered progress.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Merope, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Merope, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto
comrademoomoo
Grand Poohbah
 
comrademoomoo's Avatar
comrademoomoo is losing at chess, winning at blundering
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,698
5 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 10, 2021 at 08:24 AM
  #8
I hope I am not going to sound confrontational when I say this because that is not my intention at all.

He might not be able to save you, but he can provide you with something restorative or reparative. For example, he can offer you a different relational experience where you can encounter hurt and conflict and start to resolve your pain. The most important part is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough in order that you can experience soothing. So when you say:

Quote:
I don’t know if I can (ever) tell him about these feelings, I’m scared he’ll read it as criticism and be put off. It’s not criticism...it’s just an old wound poking it’s ugly head out. I’m also scared that if I mention this, he’ll just reiterate that he can’t save me (which I obviously know on a logical level) and it will feel like the sort of rejection that makes you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life.
I read that you are working so hard at avoiding the hurt of rejection that you are ultimately denying yourself the opportunity to experience the subsequent resolution. The "rejection" you imagine, or that you would actually encounter with him, is not the same rejection as you might have experienced in childhood or with others. These painful feelings are happening in a safe, negotiated and supportive relationship. You can be hurt in this relationship and, whilst that is horrible and heartbreaking, it could also be a way to mature. You have trapped yourself: you are keeping your feelings hidden (because you are scared, understandably so) but then you feel rejected because he can't reach your feelings. Imagine the relief of being able to honestly and vulnerably speak about your experience of feeling rejected (by him but also others) and how different that is from hiding your fear under a rock for the rest of your life.

I say all of this with a big caveat that this depends on him being a skilled therapist who can both commit to hard work and maintain safety - not an assumption to take lightly. Maybe this is part of what you are questioning: if I open up and allow these raw feelings out, would he be capable enough to help me and not break me?
comrademoomoo is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Merope, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Brown Owl 2, Elio, LonesomeTonight, Merope, Mystical_Being, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme
Brown Owl 2
Member
Brown Owl 2 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 146
3 yr Member
9 hugs
given
Default Apr 10, 2021 at 11:15 AM
  #9
You said you feel that he is cold towards you, would it help to express this to him in the moments that you feel this, or at a later time refer back to those specific moments? He might be able to correct that and explain that he wasn’t feeling cold to you in that moment? He might surprise you and you might find he was feeling the opposite?
Brown Owl 2 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Merope, SalingerEsme
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 11, 2021 at 04:37 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
I hope I am not going to sound confrontational when I say this because that is not my intention at all.

He might not be able to save you, but he can provide you with something restorative or reparative. For example, he can offer you a different relational experience where you can encounter hurt and conflict and start to resolve your pain. The most important part is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough in order that you can experience soothing. So when you say:


I read that you are working so hard at avoiding the hurt of rejection that you are ultimately denying yourself the opportunity to experience the subsequent resolution. The "rejection" you imagine, or that you would actually encounter with him, is not the same rejection as you might have experienced in childhood or with others. These painful feelings are happening in a safe, negotiated and supportive relationship. You can be hurt in this relationship and, whilst that is horrible and heartbreaking, it could also be a way to mature. You have trapped yourself: you are keeping your feelings hidden (because you are scared, understandably so) but then you feel rejected because he can't reach your feelings. Imagine the relief of being able to honestly and vulnerably speak about your experience of feeling rejected (by him but also others) and how different that is from hiding your fear under a rock for the rest of your life.

I say all of this with a big caveat that this depends on him being a skilled therapist who can both commit to hard work and maintain safety - not an assumption to take lightly. Maybe this is part of what you are questioning: if I open up and allow these raw feelings out, would he be capable enough to help me and not break me?
I don't think you sound confrontational at all.

What you say makes a lot of sense (at least to the rational adult side of me). I also think you're right about the bigger question being: "is he capable enough to handle me/help me/not break me?" Because I don't know what the realization that he's not capable would do to me after so many years of working with him.

I think I should try to be brave and tell him at least some of this because ultimately that is the way to move forward, to progress in therapy. And you're right, these ugly feelings would be happening in a safe, negotiated, and supported relationship. And it would feel so good to be able to open up about this to him and be met with acceptance. Because while I'm scared of being rejected by him, I also realize that there is a possibility for the opposite to happen.

Thank you for putting this into perspective, you've honestly really helped me!
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
comrademoomoo, LonesomeTonight
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 11, 2021 at 04:39 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2 View Post
You said you feel that he is cold towards you, would it help to express this to him in the moments that you feel this, or at a later time refer back to those specific moments? He might be able to correct that and explain that he wasn’t feeling cold to you in that moment? He might surprise you and you might find he was feeling the opposite?
I hope that's the case. I think that I've become so sensitive to feelings of rejection from him that I probably see it even when it's not there.
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, RoxanneToto, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
SalingerEsme
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 11, 2021 at 04:46 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio View Post
I know you feel this way and I know others believe this... I don't. I don't think it is wrong to WANT to be "saved" by him. I think it's an important step that you have realized that it can't really happen. That doesn't make it wrong to want it or even at times need it. And to me, it makes perfect sense to want this - to even need it - for some of us, given whatever lived and living experiences we've have.

And given this past year -- you are far from alone.
Thank you. You're right, my therapist always says we don't choose how we feel. Feeling something/needing something/wanting something is different from acting on something. I often get confused and assume that because I feel like I want/need something, people will think that I have manipulative strategies in place to get that thing.
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
Elio
...............
Elio is not home, please leave a message at the beep.... ... ... ...
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,906
15 yr Member
8,739 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 11, 2021 at 10:43 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merope View Post
I often get confused and assume that because I feel like I want/need something, people will think that I have manipulative strategies in place to get that thing.
Hijacking this thread a little because this is hitting me harder today than other days. I'm wondering why for some of us ... does asking or sharing what we want regardless of if it is possible seems like we are trying to manipulate someone else? This goes hand in hand with still wanting the thing that we know we can't have and verbalizing that we still have that want/wish/fantasy? What message did we internalize that leave us feeling this way?

For me, there's also a layer of not wanting to burden the other person with the emotions that come from their own helplessness of the situation or something like that. I'm not completely sure what it is - burden is always the word that comes to mind when I am in that place.
Elio is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, Merope, Mystical_Being, NP_Complete, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Merope, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 12, 2021 at 04:53 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio View Post
Hijacking this thread a little because this is hitting me harder today than other days. I'm wondering why for some of us ... does asking or sharing what we want regardless of if it is possible seems like we are trying to manipulate someone else? This goes hand in hand with still wanting the thing that we know we can't have and verbalizing that we still have that want/wish/fantasy? What message did we internalize that leave us feeling this way?

For me, there's also a layer of not wanting to burden the other person with the emotions that come from their own helplessness of the situation or something like that. I'm not completely sure what it is - burden is always the word that comes to mind when I am in that place.
I think for me it has something to do with being told as a kid that I was asking for too much, or not being XYZ enough.

I also know what you mean about “burdening” someone. I’m scared my unbridled emotions might scare others away because they’re too much, too manipulative etc. Not being comfortable with expressing needs/wishes etc out of fear that that other person will think I’m too much to handle and reject me.
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Elio, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Elio
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 12, 2021 at 06:33 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merope View Post
I think for me it has something to do with being told as a kid that I was asking for too much, or not being XYZ enough.

I also know what you mean about “burdening” someone. I’m scared my unbridled emotions might scare others away because they’re too much, too manipulative etc. Not being comfortable with expressing needs/wishes etc out of fear that that other person will think I’m too much to handle and reject me.

I understand this. I've told my T before that I'm afraid I'm "too much for him," and he's assured me that I'm not. I'm pretty sure (via therapy) that it's from childhood messages from my parents about keeping certain emotions and needs inside.

I think that would be something for you to talk about with your therapist.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Elio, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Elio, Merope, RoxanneToto
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 14, 2021 at 05:23 AM
  #16
Session is later today and I’m planning on telling him some of this...I hope I don’t chicken out! Vulnerability is a ****ing scary thing!
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 14, 2021 at 06:43 AM
  #17
I hope it goes well, Merope!
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Merope
Rive.
Magnate
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:28 PM
  #18
Vulnerability is indeed scary but it shows your strength.

I hope your session goes well.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, Merope, Mystical_Being
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:39 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.