My counselor is constantly invalidating of my feelings and experiences

My counselor, who isn't a therapist and we're not doing therapy but "supportive chats" is constantly invalidating of what I feel and what I experience. I've seen her for a couple of years and I can see her invalidating behaviour very clearly after having met her for many sessions.

She constantly shifts focus from me to general stuff and situations. If I for example tell her I've been feeling bad or upset over something she never says she's sorry I've been feeling that way or that she's sorry I've experienced a negative event or similar.

During the pandemic we've talked on the phone a few times and then this becomes even more obvious. When I mention how I feel or what happened to me she mostly just says "mm" and then comments in general terms or shifts focus away from my feelings onto some random question that often is ill-placed.

It's not that she uses CBT or focuses on exercises or similar as she isn't a therapist. I've wondered about her way of talking to me many times but as there are no other counselors to choose from I haven't addressed this.

A "normal" person generally validate someone who talks about emotional matters of some kind. You don't need to be a therapist to show concern but my counselor constantly avoids doing this. I find it very strange as it seems she does this on purpose, that she really tries not to show any empathy towards me. Also, I don't see what purpose could be behind her way of talking to me. One answer could perhaps be that she just don't like me and my knowledge about psychotherapy and wants me to believe what I experience is wrong in some way.

She's been like this all the time but lately I've become more clear and open about how I feel about things I've been through and it has then become even more obvious how she acts.

Wow, I don’t have any advice unfortunately, I just didn’t want to read and run. I agree it’s not right for her to act like this. If she can’t/doesn’t want to validate others she is in the wrong job.

I wonder if maybe this supportive chat person and you have different definitions of what therapeutic supportive chats are...

here in america we have all kinds of therapists / counselors and so forth. With that many different forms of therapy..

here a supportive chat therapy is just having someone listen to you. they are not trained in mental health field. they usually are volunteers on a phone and at a crisis center. all they do is listen. they are the "witness" to your trauma's. they are the shoulder for you to unload on. but they do not usually perform actual mental health therapy like pat on the back, great job, Im sorry you went through that, here 's a hug, I have great sympathy for you stuff.

in other words here in america supportive chat therapy is just anyone who can listen and let you unload, vent and so forth with hardly any reactions or encouraging. its like paying your best friend to sit quietly and you do all the talking, you come to appreciate yourself, you end up being the one to self nurture, self praise and so on.

many online therapy chats are like this where you are just paying someone to listen to you talk, they cant very well perform actual therapy services, they can tell you basic scripted responses based on key wording, alot of ummhuh,,,,,,and throw in a few suggestions here and there but mostly they are being paid to be a glorified shoulder for people to unload on.

SaraSweden you seem to have trouble with every therapist and every non therapist you have, maybe its time to decide what type of therapy (CBT, DBT and so on) that you feel you would like to do then look for an actual therapist that does those types of therapies since supportive chat style therapy with someone who is not a therapist, isnt working for you.

It's really too bad that you can't just ask her, somehow, why she tends to change the subject when you talk about your feelings. Maybe when/if she does it again, especially early in an in-person session, where you have some time to -- maybe -- discuss it. Or not, if she chooses to dismiss that, too.

Did she ever say what she thought the purpose of you continuing to see her is? What supportive chats mean to her? What support, even, means to her in the context of your relationship and what she understands the purpose of her job is? My last therapist told me once, that part of her job was to be manipulative. I was shocked and, in typical fashion, numbed out and said nothing. In the context of our relationship, I COULD have asked her. But in the context of me and where I was at the time, and what I wanted or believed our relationship to be, I could/did not. That is, I could not because I didn't have an understanding of a relationship with her in which I could ask that -- and not be rejected, I guess? Or something. At any rate, I never really asked.

One possible reason that your counselor may behave that way is that she believes you think and talk too much about yourself, and that is not effective in work situations, and she is trying to help you be able to work again. That seems foolish and not likely to be effective, to me, but . . .maybe she doesn' t know what to do or how to help you with the underlying problems and depression, and so she has decided to try that. I could certainly be WAY OFF BASE about her, but that's just something that occurred to me.

I still don't know what my last therapist was trying to manipulate me into doing/feeling/whatever. It didn't work, and she terminated the therapy, as I have said before. Writing this -- maybe something in me was determined NOT to be manipulated? That kind of feels right, actually. But I was not aware of it at the time and whatever she/we were doing in the therapy didn't help me be more aware or overcome that.

@amandalouise thanks for that explanation of supportive chat. I never knew that.

What actually IS this counselor's job? Is she a job's counselor? She may very well be doing more (or different) from what her job description already is since she's not actually a therapist in your country.

I know you rejected several actual therapists previously because you didn't like how they worked, but it didn't seem like you gave them a very long opportunity to see if they might work in the long run. Now you ended up with a person who probably means well, but she isn't at all qualified for what you seem to want or need. Is going back to one of the actually trained therapists an option? Can you go back to the original agency that was setting this up and see if your placement with a therapist can be revisited? Just seems like if what you want and need is an actual therapist, perhaps there is a way to go back to the drawing board so to speak and see if there are other options. Maybe something has changed since the last time you spoke to the powers that be.

This ^^ seems like a good suggestion. I think a trained therapy -- even if unpleasant -- could be a good idea. Might work, might not. Yes, I had some that were dangerous, unhelpful, and harmful to me -- but you are aware of this possibility. And have this forum to talk things out.

Learning to tolerate a therapist you don't like, with ways and methods you don't like, how to soothe yourself and/or repair rifts if you get hurt -- could be useful. I don't know, it didn't happen for me -- but you have lots of folks here who "have your back", as they say here in the States. If it doesn't work -- well, you tried. Is there anything in particular that you fear about trying Artley's suggestion?

Hi SarahSweden your situation sounds very sad and frustrating. It seems it has only gotten worse over the years. At this point, as Artley Wilkins said can you go back to the original agency where all this started? Are you they not able to perhaps help with a proper evaluation that would then hopefully set you up with a psychotherapist as that is what it seems you are looking for/needing? Would that be an option.

That sounds really tough that you are being more open with her, but not receiving the compassionate response that would be helpful. It sounds a bit positive that you’re being open, and are maybe talking about things that you’ve never talked about before? I know you’re in a tough situation and don’t have any other option open to you at the moment.

Is it possible to change medical facility? To see a new doctor somewhere else and after that get to see the therapist at that facility instead? Even if you have to wait, it may be better than this?

That sounds awful that the therapist you saw said she intentionally tried to manipulate you. I can relate to what you said about ‘in the context of me and where I was at the time and what I believed the relationship to be.... I couldn’t’. I feel something similar about my past therapy relationships - it wasn’t always possible for me to challenge or question in an articulate way, because the emotions I felt within the relationship were so painful.

Thanks.


I understand what you mean when it comes to crises lines and their chats but what I mean with supportive chats aren´t chats to that sence I meet my counselor online. I meet with her at a facility and we sit in a room facing each other.

It´s not about finding what I want, I know what I need but I can´t get access to that as I can´t pay for therapy out of my own pocket.

Thanks here today.

Yes, I´ve thought of asking her in such a moment when I tell something about myself and she then says something like "mm" and then shifts the subject to something else.

No, she never ever talks in such a way - what the purpose is, what our goals are or anything. I´ve brought this up and in the beginning I wrote a care plan and gave that to her but she never followed it.

As she isn´t a therapist and she´s not hired for counseling either but as a case manager I guess her purpose is mostly to help patients with simplier matters. I know she also does screenings and tests when they´re admitting new patients.

It´s just bisarre your former therapist told you one of her purposes were to manipulate patients. I understand how disconcerted that made you feel and that you couldn´t really find a way to confront her on that.


As my counselor doesn´t work with me specifically to find work or to help me with issues concerning work I don´t think she thinks I talk about myself too much. But I though think she finds my reflections upon things and my explanations about how I feel too difficult for her to handle.


No therapist who practises in a serious way should use any type of manipulation. There are a lot of questions about this on Quora, a lot of clients share situations from their therapies.

Thanks. No, my counselor isn´t a job counselor and she doesn´t have anything to do with the job market. I can´t go back to any former facility or such to find a therapist.

Thanks. No, I don´t have that option as I´ve already tried what they can offer and they don´t do referrals to other facilities. I´ve already been evaluated and all documents are in place.

Thanks. All medical facilities here are the same as our National Health Board decides what kind of therapy should be available to those who can´t pay themselves. That is, if I tried another facility, they would offer more or less the same thing as I´m already offered.

Yes, that was apparently happened with my last therapist, too, as she said that she was terminating the therapy because she didn't "have the emotional resources" to continue.

If you don’t find supportive chats to be supportive, it might not make any sense to continue. It sounds that this counselor is no use and what suppose to be supportive truly is not.

I find it interesting how they don’t want to pay for therapy anymore but are willing to pay for a chit chat that isn’t even helpful. What a waste. Perhaps they’d pay for some therapy if it was a part of actual prescribed treatment and based on the actual diagnosis by a medical professional, specifically a psychiatrist.

Thanks. Yes, my counselor hasn´t terminated me but it seems she doesn´t know how to show empathy or how to focus on my specific situation. I guess it's similar to your former therapist not knowing how to handle your issues on an emotional level. Although this should be exacly what they´re trained for to do!

Thanks. Yes, I agree on that but as I´m tied to this facility due to my need for sick leave and my doctor signing this sick leave I feel I have no options.

I´ve though now gotten another doctor and she and their head doctor are going to go through my records from several years back to "see what they can do". I don´t know anything more than that and that they´re going to give me some kind of feedback.

Yes, I really agree it had been much more economic to let patients meet with proper therapists rather than those less qualified counselors and nurses which often are the case within our mental health care.

They almost don´t hire any therapists at all but mostly people with short supplementary eduction in mainly CBT methods.

My diagnosis is anxiety and depressive disorder which according to our guidelines should be "cured" with antidepressants and short term CBT. Many patients don´t get better from such a short and non individualized treatment but on paper they still get the "proper treatment" for that condition.


I see a psychiatrist but that is of no help as she needs to follow their guidelines for treatment. Our treatments within public health care are based on economic efficiency, not on how many patients who actually get better.