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Default May 01, 2021 at 11:22 PM
  #1
Hello! So I have been on therapy I think 2-3 months now. It’s going pretty well and things are starting to get better with my depression. I hate to say it but I’m really uncomfortable with this. I’ve been depressed for so long that the idea of getting better is just not good to me. I talked to my therapist a little about this but she didn’t seem to understand. Which I get because why would anyone not want to get better? I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to continue with therapy anymore. I know I still have a ways to go with healing from trauma and depression but if it’s going to be this hard, I don’t know if it’s even worth it to heal.

Has anyone been through this? Should I mention this again with my therapist? I’m better with writing than speaking so maybe I should write it down first or email it beforehand. What do you think?
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Default May 02, 2021 at 01:06 AM
  #2
If you're better at writing, maybe try writing. I do think it's worth a discussion.

I used to feel that I didn't want to get any better. Two reasons: 1. I believed (from experience) that everyone will pull their support away if I get better. 2. I equate love with concern/worrying. I am learning that both aren't necessarily true. For the first one, T and L have and are remaining in my life. They're there on bad days AND good days. They show the same amount of care no matter what I'm feeling. Both are important to them (and me). Second one, I'm still struggling with. But L is trying to show me that she still cares, loves me, and supports me even when she's not worried. She wants me to practice reaching out, even just an "are you there?" email, before a crisis. We also play games and answer questions for me to get love without a crisis.

I want to say that it is worth it to heal. It can be hard and it can hurt, AND there is healing. And the healing feels good. It's kind of like losing weight: it's hard and takes work, but with less weight on you, you feel more free to be yourself.

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Default May 02, 2021 at 08:39 AM
  #3
I agree with what Scarlet said and have similar concerns to her 1 and 2. Another thing is that change is scary, even if it's a positive change.

I think this is a pretty common feeling, fear of getting better, so it seems like your therapist should be able to understand it. I'm someone who also expresses myself better in writing, and there have been times when I've either emailed my therapist my thoughts or typed something up and handed it to him (when we were doing in-person sessions). If your therapist still doesn't understand, then honestly, I'd consider looking for a different therapist.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 10:47 AM
  #4
pixiedust, do you know why you don't want to get better?

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Default May 02, 2021 at 01:13 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by pixiedust72 View Post
Hello! So I have been on therapy I think 2-3 months now. It’s going pretty well and things are starting to get better with my depression. I hate to say it but I’m really uncomfortable with this. I’ve been depressed for so long that the idea of getting better is just not good to me. I talked to my therapist a little about this but she didn’t seem to understand. Which I get because why would anyone not want to get better? I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to continue with therapy anymore. I know I still have a ways to go with healing from trauma and depression but if it’s going to be this hard, I don’t know if it’s even worth it to heal.

Has anyone been through this? Should I mention this again with my therapist? I’m better with writing than speaking so maybe I should write it down first or email it beforehand. What do you think?

I’ve been through years and years of therapy and only now could I relate to not wanting to get better. Is therapy your choice?

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Default May 02, 2021 at 01:21 PM
  #6
I really understand this. It's a shame your therapist doesn't seem to as from what I've read it seems to be a common feeling. Depression and trauma can become so familiar and essential to our identity that letting go of them can be terrifying - like, who would I be without them? It's also common to be scared of losing care/love if you mature emotionally and take care of your own needs. The latter was a big one for me. It always felt like I'd be losing all of T's love and care if I didn't need her anymore. But that isn't the case. The child part of us grows up and becomes integrated but as adults we all still need to know we're cared about.

It sounds like you might be resisting change which again is so common. If your therapist doesn't understand this it might be worth writing it down as others have said. Change is scary, even good change, so there's nothing strange or unusual in how you feel.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 02:31 PM
  #7
I know that one reason someone wouldn't want to get better is because of fear of leaving their therapist.

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Default May 02, 2021 at 02:35 PM
  #8
Being responsible for ones own feeling and well being is huge. Lots of people don’t want to get better but most deny it. You’re way ahead on being in touch with that. Shame your therapist doesn’t understand.

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Default May 02, 2021 at 06:12 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I really understand this. It's a shame your therapist doesn't seem to as from what I've read it seems to be a common feeling. Depression and trauma can become so familiar and essential to our identity that letting go of them can be terrifying - like, who would I be without them? It's also common to be scared of losing care/love if you mature emotionally and take care of your own needs. The latter was a big one for me. It always felt like I'd be losing all of T's love and care if I didn't need her anymore. But that isn't the case. The child part of us grows up and becomes integrated but as adults we all still need to know we're cared about.

It sounds like you might be resisting change which again is so common. If your therapist doesn't understand this it might be worth writing it down as others have said. Change is scary, even good change, so there's nothing strange or unusual in how you feel.
Yes, for me it’s just that I’ve gotten so used to it. I just figured I would always be mentally ill and I’m okay with that.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 06:12 PM
  #10
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I’ve been through years and years of therapy and only now could I relate to not wanting to get better. Is therapy your choice?

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Yes but I’ve been in therapy on and off for over 10 years.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 06:14 PM
  #11
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pixiedust, do you know why you don't want to get better?
Honestly, no, not really. I know that I’ve gotten used to my mental illnesses and I don’t feel like I’m ready to change. I wish I was so I don’t know why I feel like I’m not ready.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 06:46 PM
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Has anyone been through this?
Yes. I have felt/thought it at different times and for different reasons. As some have stated - the fear of losing T is one of those reasons. Another big one is the thought or fear of not knowing who I'd be if I wasn't this person I've been all this time. And a third one, not yet mentioned, is something about not doing whatever it was that I did to feel better sooner or that it was so simply why didn't it happen sooner; type of thought.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 06:50 PM
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Yes but I’ve been in therapy on and off for over 10 years.

Yes but? I mean do you want to be in therapy now?

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Default May 02, 2021 at 07:05 PM
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Yes but? I mean do you want to be in therapy now?

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I just meant I’ve been in therapy a long time. Yes I do want to be in therapy.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 07:06 PM
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Yes. I have felt/thought it at different times and for different reasons. As some have stated - the fear of losing T is one of those reasons. Another big one is the thought or fear of not knowing who I'd be if I wasn't this person I've been all this time. And a third one, not yet mentioned, is something about not doing whatever it was that I did to feel better sooner or that it was so simply why didn't it happen sooner; type of thought.
That’s one for me too. If I can do it now why couldn’t I ever do it before.
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Default May 02, 2021 at 11:01 PM
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I just meant I’ve been in therapy a long time. Yes I do want to be in therapy.
No matter how long one has been in therapy, anyone can feel like they do but don't want to be in therapy. Change can be ugly, hard, and challenging. Growth means that we have different support in place before we say goodbye to the therapist. I haven't said goodbye yet, and it's been a long time. I've been considering why I have been in therapy for a long time (16 years). Maybe you and I are alike, and maybe not.

What if the reason why we want to move on is that we have decided that there is not enough hours in the week to spend one hour there. Or the reason could be we feel that we have a system in place that we don't need the therapist.

I recently started to work harder, because I realized if I continue to do little to change the situation, the situation is stationary. Growth can't happen, we can't move on, and the therapist becomes essential. Then if we find people in our lives that can act as a therapist does in supporting us and we support them, then we can be ready to still have support but not need the paid support person.

I guess it comes down to who the support comes from and how we have learned to handle life. Eventually, the goal of therapy is for us to live a full life.

I hope this makes sense.
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Default May 08, 2021 at 02:30 PM
  #17
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Hello! So I have been on therapy I think 2-3 months now. It’s going pretty well and things are starting to get better with my depression. I hate to say it but I’m really uncomfortable with this. I’ve been depressed for so long that the idea of getting better is just not good to me. I talked to my therapist a little about this but she didn’t seem to understand. Which I get because why would anyone not want to get better? I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to continue with therapy anymore. I know I still have a ways to go with healing from trauma and depression but if it’s going to be this hard, I don’t know if it’s even worth it to heal.

Has anyone been through this? Should I mention this again with my therapist? I’m better with writing than speaking so maybe I should write it down first or email it beforehand. What do you think?

I have sort of felt the same way. I have never told my therapists in that way. I suspect it is a fear of starting to feel better and then getting scared. I am scared of feeling better and then getting depressed again...When that happens I am really hard on myself for failing again.. So is a weird sort of way it fees better to just stay at one even level even if that even level is depressed. Cognitively, I know I am too hard on myself and it is not a failure just a part of thr healing journey but emotionally It is so hard.

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Default May 08, 2021 at 10:18 PM
  #18
I can definitely relate to this. I’ve been experiencing the effects of trauma and mental illness since I was very young. My therapist and I discussed this shortly before I was hospitalized last and he said it’s not an uncommon concern. People who have experienced significant mental illness don’t really know how to live a life without the problems that they’ve experienced. Something I’ve been trying to focus on in my own reflection is what does contentment look like for me? How will I tolerate that? It’s definitely something that’s with exploring.
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Default May 09, 2021 at 01:22 PM
  #19
^^^ Excellent questions to ask.

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