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KLL85
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Default May 05, 2021 at 02:53 PM
  #1
I’ve now been working with my current T for six months. Over the last 3 or so weeks I’ve noticed a shift in his approach and attitude towards me. He seems to have lost the empathic and validating responses and has become openly challenging and almost like he is suggesting that I consciously choose to think and feel the way I do. For example he is taking yet another break in four weeks and he asked me what I was feeling after he told me. I said anger, rejection and abandonment. And his response was ‘see you have automatically gone to extreme negatives, when you could actually just choose to say ‘ok this isn’t ideal but I’ll survive.’ There was no understanding or validation about how I was feeling or how much I may be hurting and it just felt like he was saying my feelings were bad and wrong. There has been a few instances of things like this over the past few weeks.
This is something I have noticed with a couple of previous Ts, we get to the 6 month mark and the warmth, empathy and compassion is reduced. It takes me a long time to trust and feel safe, so it seems like I am just beginning to come to terms with the idea that they may be safe enough to trust and boom! things change.
I’m now beginning to really think it’s because by six months they are just so fed up working with me, hate me and just want to get rid of me. I know I’m not an easy client to work with so they can’t even fake care cos I’m so wrong and bad and repulsive that they can’t stand being around with me.
I really don’t feel like I can have this conversation with my T as the terror of rejection and abandonment is too much and I’m just filled with so much overwhelming and unbearable shame.
But just wondered if anyone else noticed a change in their T after working with them for a period of time?
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Default May 05, 2021 at 03:55 PM
  #2


Honestly it's not you it's them. I know it's easier said then done but please don't put up with this T. Your reaction to his extended 4 week break is perfectly normal and should be met with understanding and compassion.

No therapy is better then bad therapy.

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Default May 05, 2021 at 07:00 PM
  #3
His reaction to your feelings about his absence is odd, to say the least. That said, it's very difficult - and potentially harmful - for anyone besides you/your therapist to decide what the best type of therapy is for you. Your T sounds like a jerk, but then it's possible that he's trying to achieve something with his behavior - get you to assert yourself, or who knows what.

Bottom line, I understand your fear of telling him what you've told us. I know that doing so would be so scary. But that's what therapy is about...saying "the thing" that you feel you cannot say. If you write down your feelings and thoughts and read them to him and he still lacks empathy, then I'd say he's not a good therapist. But you can't know until you face your truth.

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Default May 06, 2021 at 07:03 AM
  #4
My T still feels the same as she was when we started a little over a year ago. I keep expecting her to get fed up with me like xT did, but it didn't seem to happen so far.

Now, xT - hard to tell, because there was a lot of external disturbance in the first 6 months of our relationship (long story, but we met in an institution focusing on group therapy and that framework was in many ways unhelpful in establishing an individual bond). But it went kind of similar to what you describe. Initially she was warm and supportive, but she did seem to take personally that I don't get better as fast as she thought I could have, said I was resistant and that she felt like I wanted to hurt her, stuff like that. And part of that was being too slow to trust. Feels like by the time I noticed that I started to trust her despite my 'better judgement', she built this idea of me in her mind that I then couldn't dislodge no matter what.

While the relationship proved unsalvageable despite trying to fix it for a long time, some things became somewhat clear in the process (or the aftermath). Long story short, I came to believe thatit was as much about her own insecurities as it was about me. I suspect it's also the case with your Ts, at least this particular one. Not sure how you're supposed to 'choose' to not feel the way you're feeling

I guess many Ts have trouble validating negative emotions when directed at them? My pet theory is that it happens when they try to rationalise away the negative effects they know their actions have on the client, and the client is not cooperating. Like your T with 'why don't you just cope on your own with a 4-week break', or my xT with 'it only hurts because transference', and any sort of 'it shouldn't be as big a deal as you're making it out to be' response that I had from her. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the therapist is supposed to help me with the issues I have, not tell me I shouldn't be having them
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Default May 06, 2021 at 12:37 PM
  #5
I experienced a T who seemed to change, maybe in a similar way, at the end, instead of seeking to understand and responding compassionately, she became challenging. It feels like it was a bit of a similar situation in that I told her that painful feelings had been triggered. I like Corbie’s pet theory, and similarly, I feel that it may be a defensive reaction on the part of the T.
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Default May 07, 2021 at 02:25 PM
  #6
I had this happen. He suddenly changed and became colder, and a few weeks later, he dumped me as a client. It was very confusing and hurtful at the time, but nearly two years later, I realize he knew nothing about my diagnosis and was right to suggest I go to a specialist. But he could have done it in a more compassionate way after working with me, and taking my money and pretending to care, for two years. At the end of the day, therapists are always going to care more about "CYA" than they care about you. Once mine realized he needed to let me go, it was simply, "Have a nice life."
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Default May 07, 2021 at 03:40 PM
  #7
I had something like this happen at one point with ex-T, though I'd been seeing her for much longer. She was suddenly like, "Maybe you should consider going in the hospital." It was weird, because I actually wasn't doing that badly at the time. So it seemed to come out of left field. I said how she knew I didn't like hospitals, but she kept pushing for it, like, "It would give you a break."

I told her next session how it had upset and confused me. She said she realized she'd gotten too close to me and thought maybe she'd lost her objectivity. So she pulled way back, like she overcorrected. I wasn't sure how to take that...

I have no idea if anything like that is going on with your T. Going to make a separate post about something else.
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Default May 07, 2021 at 03:41 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by autonoe View Post
I had this happen. He suddenly changed and became colder, and a few weeks later, he dumped me as a client. It was very confusing and hurtful at the time, but nearly two years later, I realize he knew nothing about my diagnosis and was right to suggest I go to a specialist. But he could have done it in a more compassionate way after working with me, and taking my money and pretending to care, for two years. At the end of the day, therapists are always going to care more about "CYA" than they care about you. Once mine realized he needed to let me go, it was simply, "Have a nice life."

What a cruel way to treat you.

What's "CYA"?

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Default May 07, 2021 at 04:15 PM
  #9
I also had an issue with my current T when I was maybe...4 months in? He was going out of town for a week, and I was struggling with it. In the session before, he'd refused to say where or why he was going out of town (which I know is his right, but ex-T and ex-MC had always said, or at least given a general idea, if I'd asked). After session, I sent an email expressing how that had bothered me and also saying that I'd miss him when he was away.

And his reply was basically that he likes to keep his personal and professional life separate and that he'd hope I would see it as a healthy boundary. And that it was "kind" of me to say I'd miss him. And he closed by saying to "have a fabulous week."

So, I wonder if something like that is going on with your T, where he doesn't understand how his being away would affect you? He should be willing to talk about whatever feelings come up, even if he doesn't understand them. Yes, the ideal is for you (or me) to think "I'll survive," vs. what you thought, but it's clear you're not at that place yet. And that's OK. He should be willing to talk about what his being away means to you and why you're struggling. And what might help you to cope better when he's away.

Well, that all really upset me. Because I wasn't saying I'd miss him to be kind, but because I'd miss him and was struggling with him being away. And the "have a fabulous week" felt a bit like a slap in the face, when I'd be struggling and he'd be away doing whatever fun thing he was going to do. When we talked afterward, I tried to explain the missing him thing more. And he asked if I was looking for him to say he'd miss me, too, and I said no, that I certainly wouldn't expect that. but more wanted to talk about how it would be hard for me with him being away. When it came up again months later, he said he felt like I hadn't been seeing him long enough to miss him. And next time he went away, he understood the missing him, because I'd been seeing him longer.
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Default May 07, 2021 at 04:28 PM
  #10
Former T went to someplace in Europe after I had only been seeing her a few months. Portugal. That's where she went. I could only think of Paraguay and I knew that wasn't it. I didn't miss her. But then a couple of months after that she went to Singapore and I missed her then. The first time she want away, she did offer me to see someone else but I just waited for her to come back. The second time she went away she did offer for me to see someone else too but she offered email also and that is what got me through the second trip.

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Default May 08, 2021 at 08:31 AM
  #11
Thanks everyone, it’s really useful to read your experiences and thoughts. This isn’t a new issue, we have been through this the past 2 or 3 times he has been away but after the initial conversation he just seems to avoid the topic, like it’s something he is uncomfortable with and doesn’t know how to deal with and therefore the same things just gets repeated over and over.
I’ve written down exactly how I feel and I’m planning on letting him read it next session. Usually I would email but he has also recently told me he no longer wants me to email between sessions. I think it’s heading to the point where he’s going to terminate me, so I figure I’ve got nothing to lose if I tell him exactly what I think and how angry I am with him.
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