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Legendary Wise Elder
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NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
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#21
And I am getting mixed reviews from you guys as well. Some are telling me to give it a couple more sessions, some of you are telling me to dump her now.
It’s not just me. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
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Location: US
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#22
I don't think you're being a jerk. You have real concerns, real reactions, real feelings.
I would be concerned about all the things you mentioned. Looking up your former T: I didn't even tell L ex-T's name for a year and a half. And even now, we don't ever speak her name. She's never pushed for any information. Tell you you're handsome: I'm female and so is L. Again, for the first year, she never commented on my looks or the way I dressed. Never! She knew I have body issues and am insecure about my looks. It was during the start of the pandemic on telehealth, when she said "There's your beautiful face". She saw I had a reaction, and apologized. We talked about it, I gave her permission to make comments, and all is well now. Yawning: L always apologies if she yawns. She analyzes herself to find out why she is yawning and tries to solve it on her own. It's her issues, not mine. Wearing a short skirt: Really inappropriate. Both T and L always cover up. They always wear pants and long sleeve shirts. They always look professional. I appreciate it because I don't want to be distracted by their outfits even if I'm a straight woman. Those are the red flags I see. However, they're not necessarily deal breakers for me.I would talk to her about these things, tell her they bothered you. That's one of the points of therapy, right? To talk about your feelings and how things affect you. When I first met T, she double booked my appointment. I felt so insignificant, like I'm just a number to her. I called up my supports crying, saying I don't want to see her. Everyone told me to give her a chance. I'm glad I did. Four years of therapy and two extra years of remaining in my life...monthly emails and once a year sessions. She's a keeper! And yes, she double booked me a few more times, but we talked about it and worked through it. I'm not telling you to stay and give her another chance, or to find another T. That's up to you. I see pros and cons to both decisions. I just wanted to offer my perspective and experience so you know you're not wrong for being concerned AND that it might be worth it to give her a chance. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Grand Poohbah
comrademoomoo
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Member Since: Feb 2019
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#23
Quote:
Other than asking other people, e.g. posters here or your mother, how can you work out for yourself whether her behaviour is weird or not? Can you identify your gut feeling? How does her behaviour compare to previous experiences where you have felt safe or unsafe? What does "weird" mean to you? Do you often consider other people to be weird? I remember you previously called your ex therapist evil so maybe something happens for you when you are in a therapeutic relationship which causes you to question the professional's intentions. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#24
Quote:
You're not being a jerk at all. I really think the best way to get a sense of this is to bring up your concerns to her. If she apologizes and/or says she won't do something in the future if you don't want it (like commenting on your appearance, for example), then that's a good sign. If she's defensive, that's less of a good sign. Though my T has been defensive about a few things and has generally been good and helpful over the long-term. Or, you wait and see how things go and how you feel, because, like Comrademoomoo said, unless it's a clear ethical violation, then opinions may vary on it. There were times when I shared with my T what posters on here and/or a couple friends said about things that he said/did. He would say that they aren't in the room with us, so only know what I report (he says the same regarding stuff with my husband, how he doesn't know him, so he can only go by what I say). It's really up to you to know what you're comfortable with. |
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#25
Scarlet--that's interesting about your T always wearing long sleeves and covering up. My female ex-T would often wear sleeveless tops/dresses, relatively short skirts, and heels (and she was in her late 60s at the time), and I guess it never occurred to me that she should cover up more? Both ex-MC and current T often wear short-sleeve shirts in the summer (or current T will have on long sleeves, but his sleeves rolled up), and I never have thought of it as inappropriate. I just wear what I'm comfortable in, though nothing overly revealing. Like with teletherapy, even though I don't wear a bra sitting around the house, I always put on a bra for session (which...guess I need to do that in a minute, as session is in a few minutes). TMI alert, but I'm a D-cup--if I was smaller chested or wearing like a sweatshirt, I maybe wouldn't bother with a bra.
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ScarletPimpernel
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ChickenNoodleSoup
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#26
It's hard to over the internet tell how it really is, that's only really possible for you. If there are such huge red flags that other people just all say 'leave', it's probably a good idea. If some people think it's okay and some people think it's not, I think as others have said it depends on you, as well as how she acknowledges these things. Commenting on what you wear might or might not be appropriate, for example. I often comment on things like if my T is wearing something new, and since I always wear the same thing to therapy, I could see him doing the same thing if I ever were to change something. But of course it's a different thing if it either has a sexual undertone, is a constant thing, or is an issue for you.
I'd say if there's something that makes you really uncomfortable, maybe say you're not coming anymore and find a new person (possibly even a recommendation from her?). If it's something that might be okay, either wait for a while and see whether it's a persistent thing or bring it up immediately. That depends on how much you feel comfortable around that T though, I think. |
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SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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ScarletPimpernel
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#27
Quote:
For Ts, all of mine always covered up and dressed professional. I guess I'm just used to that. But if a T is going to dress a little more revealing, at least make sure you're appropriate for clients. Too short of skirt is not professional in my opinion. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
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#28
She was ok today. She didn’t yawn or anything. She did elevate her foot at one point and she said “I hope I don’t break a nail.” I talked about my height dysphoria and she asked me if I ever ate at a Mexican restaurant and how they stared at her one time and she freaked out and then found out about how Mexican guys like tall voluptuous women because most of them are very short. Eh, the remark seemed a bit off color to me but I’m used to people who make those sorts of comments.
But it was a late session and the receptionist left as soon as I checked in. She was turning off lights and it was a bit freaky. Me and my T were the only ones in the building by the time I left. It felt kinda strange but it wasn’t a big deal my mom was already parked. But she remembered about the email I sent and asked if I was ok and apologized for not being able to fit me in sooner. Then as I was getting in the car she asked if I was seeing her before my surgery and I said “no” and she said “well, good luck.” I had forgotten about it because of how creepy I felt at the moment so I was glad she remembered it. I don’t know. She was ok. She seems to have more goals then me and the last one had. She’s not really up for much chit chat although we did do some. We mostly looked over a cognitive distortion worksheet today. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
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#29
Therapy was kind of weird today. She saw another therapist in the hallway and gave her a hug and they were kind of excited to see each other. I just stood awkwardly to the side. Then in the session she commented on hairy my legs were and asked if that was a transition thing or if they were always like that. Then she said my body language and eye contact with her was a lot better then it was before. And she was getting concerned before because I wouldn’t look up at her. And she joked that she felt self conscious now. Which then made me feel like I was looking at her too much. She then demonstrated how I was sitting and talking before and I felt like she was just making fun of me. Even though that was probably not her intention. She also cut a couple tags off her shirt although she did say she was about to do something weird before she did it. She offered me snacks before we started which I thought was nice. But I just felt kinda strange being with her today but it could have just been my interpretation. She says my main issue is overthinking things which increases my anxiety.
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LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
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#30
Wow, I'd be bothered by the leg hair comment. It seems inappropriate and judgmental. And I'd also be bothered by her imitating how you were sitting before. Her just mentioning that your eye contact/body language was better seems OK, but not so much with the imitation part. I mean, if you had asked her, "How was I sitting before?" it may have been different.
The hugging of the other therapist, that may have been just a spontaneous thing, like maybe she hadn't seen her since pre-pandemic or something. But it would have been better not to hug her in front of you (especially if, say, you therapist doesn't allow client hugs and that's something you might want). |
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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#31
She seems such a character. What’s up about legs comments. Too goofy. Some people assume that only females are sensitive about body hair. Many men are self conscious about body hair so no need to make goofy comments about your legs. It sounds to me that she is very casual with you which actually isn’t a bad thing overall but she is kind of overdoing it
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
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#32
I’m honestly thinking about asking next week if I should switch to someone else. Just have an honest and assertive conversation with her the way I did with my last therapist about how I felt things weren’t working out anymore. I just don’t want the whole practice to think badly of me if I were to switch to someone else. But I’ve given her several try’s and I think she is starting to notice now that I’m uncomfortable around her.
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Salmon77
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#33
The comment about Mexicans would bother me, not just because it's a bit "off-color," as you say, but also—why is she saying it? What does that have to do with you and how does that contribute to your therapy? I'd be annoyed by her worrying about her nails and cutting tags off her shirt in session, too. These things have nothing to do with you, she should focus on you in session and save that stuff for her own time.
It's normal for her to notice your body language and appearance; on the other hand, imitating you seems unnecessary, plus I'm not sure why she'd bring it up if you didn't mention feeling concerned about it. These are small things but they add up. I'd at least try other therapists. You can always leave it open that you might return to this one if you don't find someone else to be a better fit. |
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SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight
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underdog is here
stopdog
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#34
If you don't like a therapist - then change. You do not owe a therapist anything but rent for the time spent sitting there. None of the things you mention would bother me, but I don't care what the therapist wears and would probably not notice the length of a skirt, I think they are narcissists and bigots so the comments would not surprise me, and in general, I think you can put any human in their chair and get the same results. But, to me, there is no reason to hand them money if you don't like them for whatever reason
__________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
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#35
I looked online this afternoon to see what other therapists were at the practice she works at. I found a couple that seem to have potential. But I’ll ask my current therapist for recommendations when I see her next week because she may know of someone who will work well with me.
I do think she notices that I don’t respond to her very well. So she may be glad to help me out instead of getting upset that I want to see someone else. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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LonesomeTonight
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