Is this weird?

I met with my new therapist for the first time in person and she wanted to look my old one up on Facebook to see what she looked like but I said it was too triggering so she didn’t. She said she didn’t want to trigger me. She also said I was a lot more handsome then she thought. She also kept yawning and her skirt was a bit too short. You couldn’t really see anything but I wasn’t really looking either. She says she has 70 clients and I wonder how she remembers them all. She was nice and not critical of anything I said. She said she knew the powerball numbers right as they were being drawn. Which I didn’t find too creepy because I told her I predicted Covid.

But maybe therapy is done in a different way here. Everyone at my last place was like robots who never smiled or showed emotion. The receptionists at this place were laughing and joking with the clients. Maybe I’ve just come from somewhere way too strict. I mean everyone WAS really nice and professional.

So, the two things that jump out at me as being a bit odd are her wanting to look up your previous therapist on Facebook, particularly with you there (vs. on her own time, if she was simply curious). Do you think she wanted to see how you reacted if she were to do that? I'm glad she didn't insist on looking her up, but it still seems strange.

Also her saying you were more handsome than she thought struck me as sort of...potentially inappropriate. Did she just say that randomly? Like it's a bit different if you were sitting there saying, "I'm ugly, no one could possibly find me attractive." And she said something in an attempt to boost your self-esteem. But then maybe that's just her style--I think you said at one point she's a bit older? Maybe it's like an "Oh, you're so handsome!" sort of thing, like I don't know, what a grandparent would say to a kid.

The yawning, maybe she was just tired (though it would bother me, too). The skirt--well, all T's have their own styles--see: ATAT's descriptions of Info on the couch about her often-visible cleavage, for example. As long as it didn't seem like she was trying to reveal anything to you specifically, I think it's fine.

The laughing and joking with clients sounds like how my ex-MC and ex-T's practice was (my current T doesn't have office staff). One receptionist had worked there a long time, so we would talk or joke around a bit while I waited at times. And ex-MC would joke with her while I was standing there. I think that's just sort of an office culture sort of thing. I've seen it in medical doctor's offices, too, where there's joking among the office staff and sometimes with patients.

Maybe see how it goes in the next few sessions? And if you keep feeling uncomfortable, you could try looking for a different T?

She had first called me handsome during a video session. I don’t know why. I wonder if she’s trying to make me feel good about myself. I don’t think she meant it as in I was ugly or anything. She also said I dress and present myself as male. So that did make me feel better. She did make a note of my previous therapists name so she could look her up. I told her I thought my previous T was hot but she had blocked me on Facebook and then my new T wanted to see for herself what she looked like. So she was being curious. One time my therapist and I at one of my high schools looked up a potential therapist who was being interviewed who I knew from some other school and had since become Facebook friends. This therapist who I was looking up the other one with we were super close though and had been meeting for awhile.

I feel like this therapist is ok. I think I’ve just come from a very strict practice. The new T did agree with me about not taking it out on the client when the therapist is having a bad day (like old T did a lot) and she also agreed with me that the abusive hospital I was at should be shut down and she agreed that the one T I had from 2011-2015 was really toxic. So she agrees with me but her comments are a bit strange.

Yeah she’s in her mid 50’s and my last one was 38.

She apologized for the yawning and said she didn’t sleep well and was going to take a nap on her lunch. I asked if she was going to sleep on the couch she has her clients sit on and she said “oh no, I’m going to go to my car”

We also talked about how I did sessions in my moms closet for a little bit and she said “honestly I was looking around at your moms things. She had some pretty things especially the red stuff.”

I found that kinda creepy but my old T would comment on my moms closet too.

OK, from your description, I'm much less bothered by some of that stuff. I feel like it's maybe just a stylistic/personality difference? Compared to your previous T? I know you also moved, so it could also just be sort of a difference in general communication (and fashion) styles from one part of the country to another.

Personally, I do find this weird.

I dunno...most people look to a therapist as someone they expect to be flawless, when in fact, T's are just people who are using their education and experience to guide clients. I don't find anything your therapist said unusually weird. A bit eccentric, maybe - but aren't most therapists eccentric? It would be kind of awful to have a T who was like a mechanical perfect person.

While I think it's a bit unusual to ask to see a picture of somebody you find attractive as well as commenting on how you look, it to me sounds more of a try to make you feel at ease and build some rapport. I'd still be a bit wary and see whether more things like this come up all the time, but as a one time thing I think it's probably fine. But I personally would probably continue to go for now, see how things turn out.
The yawning sounds like just something that might happen from time to time, and her not sleeping on her client's couch shows at least a bit of professionalism.

The only thing I'd probably think about is the 70 clients a week thing. If she manages, good for her, but I'd be on the lookout for whether she provides you with the care you need.

Sounds quirky but not particularly all that odd. Some people are just quirkier than others. Wouldn't particularly bother me too much.

Oh, and the 70 client thing doesn't mean she actually sees that many people every week. Those are the clients on her roster and probably a fair number of them are not necessarily regulars as in weekly clients.

Agreed on the 70-client thing. I know my T has some biweekly and even monthly clients. So the 70 could just be people who are current/regular clients. She probably sees no more than 40 per week, tops, unless she sees some for shorter sessions. Which I suppose still sounds like a lot, but I think they figure out ways of managing, like reviewing a client's file briefly before a session, if they're fairly new.

I think commenting on a client’s looks unsolicited is a big red flag.

That and the wanting to look up the previous therapist to see what she looked like sound like potentially poor boundaries to me.

Yawning, rude, but not weird. Dress, that’s her personal style.

My old therapist would always comment on my glasses or when I got a haircut or the hat I was wearing. She would talk about my spongebob shirts and the first time I wore a plain black t shirt to a session (because I had just gotten off work) she said “I’ve never seen you in a non spongebob shirt” which kind of bothered me because it made me feel like she didn’t approve of the Spongebob shirts and was judging them. She also said one time that I dressed young which also kinda bugged me.

I wonder if maybe the age of the new therapist is why I’m getting so spooked because other therapists, like the last, have done the same things. But calling me handsome was creepy and reminded me of an episode of SpongeBob called The Two Faces Of Squidward.

My current T will comment on what I'm wearing at times (more when we were still in person). Like a few summers ago, I mostly wore sleeveless tops (or dresses). So if I was wearing short sleeves instead, a couple times, he'd say, "I almost didn't recognize you in sleeves!" Or he'd ask if my shoes were new, as he hadn't seen them before. And a couple times when I wore distressed jeans, he said, "Things so bad you have holes in your jeans?"

The thing is, I'll comment on his clothing, too, like today I said, "Oh, you're wearing the marlin shirt--or is it sailfish?" and he said how I always seem to react to that shirt. And when meeting in person, I'd often comment on his socks (he has a variety of printed dress socks, including Super Mario ones).

In his noticing my clothing, it feels like he's paying attention to me and noticing little details. So I tend to appreciate it (though I stopped wearing distressed jeans to session usually, because I knew what he'd say.). He's never said anything like "That shirt looks good on you" or anything like that. Just general observations. So I think that's generally OK. He also said at one point that he sees how clients react to it, and if they seem at all bothered by it, he wouldn't comment again.

I can understand why you were bothered by being calling "handsome" though. Is it something you feel like you could bring up with her, maybe? And see how she reacts? Like maybe she would apologize and say it was a bad way of trying to make you feel comfortable, or something. But if she's weird or defensive about it, then I'd maybe start looking for other possible therapists.

I would say go with your gut feeling. If you want to see if this was a one time thing you could see how the next session goes. I wish I had listened to my gut feeling because it would have saved me years of suffering and poor boundaries by a toxic therapist.

You are all right. This is kind of strange but I also now feel like I have to keep up this image and keep my weight in check and do other stuff that was sort of considered unhealthy behaviors. Stuff that hadn’t been bothering me or going on for awhile.

I’ll give her a couple more try’s. My next appointment is 9 days away so I have time to think.

I'd be really put off by her behavior. Wanting to look up your previous therapist is all kinds of boundary weird. Her focus should be on you and your mental health, not how hot your previous therapist was. And commenting on your attractiveness is odd too. Both of those things are a therapy-school no-no, so it would it absolutely raise flags about the therapist having poor boundaries for me.

And now you want to reignite unhealthy behaviors in order to 'keep up the image' to your new therapist? This is exactly why therapy school makes rules for therapists! So they don't harm clients by having inappropriate boundaries!
For heaven's sake, if this therapist is making you want to have unhealthy eating behaviors after such a short time, do yourself a favor, quit seeing her and find a therapist who will actually have your best interests at heart.

This. I couldn't agree more.

I told my mom what was going on because I hadn’t told her because I was too bothered and weirded out and I didn’t want my mom to stress out even more then she is.

My mom says shes odd but to give her a chance and tell her what I’m comfortable talking about and to tell her that I don’t like it when she comments on my appearance. My mom says just be open with her.

I always give people and things a chance. I do know my boundaries and I know when I can’t handle something. But I wonder if the move and the stress of that is making me more upset about other things. Honestly I’m very uncomfortable here in general.

My mom just said “didn’t your old therapist look up your new one?” And I’m like “yeah.” But I think what she did is very different

I am talking with my mom about it now instead of holding everything in like I was before.

I’m honestly having a bit of an existential crisis in general right now and I’m wondering if my whole life has been a lie and I’ve been too privileged before where I lived my entire life until I moved last week. I just feel very naive here.

This is all just waffle. You posted here about boundary concerns and when someone says well, yeah, that's pretty weird stuff, now you are avoiding by waffling on about largely irrelevant stuff.

The bottom line is, seeing this therapist is already reigniting an eating disorder, but you think "you should give everyone a second chance".

I think you *like* the boundary violations and want more of them.

I don’t like boundary violations. I just trust my mom and I don’t believe in just running off and avoiding things and giving up when things seem off the way you might do. I believe in giving things and people a chance because that is what I was taught.

All I’m saying is I’ll give her a couple more chances and if she’s not right for me I’ll leave with no issue. I was just asking others opinions on if I was misinterpreting things. But since I know I’m not now I know.

I’m sorry if I seem like I’m being a jerk.