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ScarletPimpernel
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Default May 27, 2021 at 09:16 PM
  #1
I think I'm ready to talk directly with L about my transference with her. I'm scared, ashamed, embarrassed, nervous, but I just have this deep feeling that it's time. I don't know exactly what I hope to get out of it. Maybe to accept myself better? Maybe to reduce the intensity? Maybe to understand myself better? Maybe this is exactly where the healing needs to take place. What L and I call "the meat and potatoes".

We already tip-toed into the conversation this week. We talked a little about my longings, fantasies, and unmet needs. We talked about how she is able to meet some of those needs. We talked about my jealousy of her interaction with my dog: how I wish I was a small child or animal, and could cuddle up next to her and get kisses. And we talked about how I want her to love me like I love and want love for my middle niece. (Middle niece is being neglected just as I was as a child, so I feel a deep connection to her, and a deep sense of love for her).

L also knows that I feel like a child with her, more often than not. She already knows I have maternal transference with her even though she's 4 years younger than me. She also knows that I see her in many other lights: a role model, a teacher, a peer. I see her as a peer when we talk about intellectual things. I see her as a teacher when I learn from her. And I see her as a role model in how she lives her life, takes care of herself, sets boundaries, and regulates her feelings.

So I'm just hoping to hear other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Any! Especially if you have started to work through the transference. What is it like, how has things changed? Is there hope?

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Default May 27, 2021 at 09:55 PM
  #2
P.S. - I know there's another similar thread, but 1. I don't want to take over that, and 2. I feel it's slightly different because I'm ready to dive straight into and just looking for experience with it.

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Default May 28, 2021 at 12:24 AM
  #3
“ and we talked about how I want her to love me like I love and want love for my middle niece. (Middle niece is being neglected just as I was as a child, so I feel a deep connection to her, and a deep sense of love for her).”

Wow. That one hits so close to home for me. (Actually your whole post does, except my transference is with my primary care doctor rather than a therapist.)
My nephew is currently living what I went through and it’s so hard to see

I don’t have any advice unfortunately as I’ve never discussed my feelings with my doctor, but I wish you the best. I just wrote a similar post though the transference is more indirect. If you have any advice for my future conversation , feel free to read my recent post on the forum!

Good luck to you and to your niece
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Default May 28, 2021 at 02:38 AM
  #4
It seems to me that you’ve already talked a lot about transference. Me and my T initially talked about it in general, like how I used to feel it with other women. Currently my sessions revolve a lot about my mother. It has taken a long time for me to realise that I was emotionally neglected.

We don’t really discuss the feelings I have for T but I know that she knows how I feel. And she isn’t afraid. That’s the best part. She really seems to understand and she sees the child in me who didn’t get what she needed. We talk about it sometimes and sometimes I write about it and show it to her.

When I realised that there was a child-part inside of me who felt abandoned and scared, it helped me accept the feelings for T and to sort of admit them to her. Because I knew that the feelings came from the child inside of me, and not from adult-me. That reduced my shame.
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Default May 28, 2021 at 03:16 AM
  #5
We've talked some about transference over the two years. She mostly knows facts or pieces. But we've never flat out talked about it. It's always been too hard for me. Just this week I was able to use the words transference and nurture. That's why I think I'm ready. I can finally use the words to help me talk about it. It's been a slow process.

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Default May 28, 2021 at 06:17 PM
  #6
Hey! I would say I have largely worked through the intense maternal transference (though that's not what I like to label it as!) and have mostly come out the other side. Wow, was it a ride! I was lucky to have a therapist who worked with me. Didn't get scared of anything I had to say, needed, wanted, felt. She stuck by me and provided what she could and helped me to grieve for what she couldn't give. So yes, there is hope. And yes, talking about it can really help. It can help you to get some of those unmet needs met (if your T works in that way which it sounds like she might) and it helps you to grieve for the loss of everything else. Where once there was a huge gaping hole in my heart for the mother I never had, the love I never felt and the emotional support I never received, there is now a patchwork of other things that have mostly covered that hole. There are still gaps, which makes me a little sad, but that's all it really is now. I hoe that helps some, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Best of luck to you and your T with it, it is a bumpy ride!!
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Default May 28, 2021 at 06:29 PM
  #7
I struggled all last summer with this. It was finally affecting my mental health so badly that during the winter I just said “I want to legit talk today because I’m having transference with you.” We had a nice talk and then decided I should move on to someone else.

Me and my new T mentioned the transference with the previous one and new t isn’t my type and she’s a bit kooky so I don’t expect to develop any transference with her.

I just had to jump in and tell her once things were getting so bad I could barely function.

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Default Jun 02, 2021 at 01:03 PM
  #8
Thank you for the interesting topic.
Looking back, I have had a long history of attachments and transferences with teachers, youth leaders, and therapists.
It’s gotten me into trouble twice when the male psychiatrists sexualized the transference and I didn’t understand enough about boundaries.

My current therapist is understanding about my complicated feelings. She explained they are a result of unmet childhood needs. Gosh, I don’t know which childhood needs were lacking? How early must that have been lacking in my life to create my insecurity and neediness?

I feel Current T and I have come to accept my feelings. She maintains appropriate boundaries- especially due to my troubled experiences in the past. She’s also open to hearing when/if anything she does or says bothers me.

Yes, sometimes I long for Current T and PrevT to be my mother, my sister and/or my friend. But if they were my mother, they couldn’t be really good therapists. . If they were my sisters, they couldn’t be a really good mothers. What other relationships have I ever had in my life where I get a therapist, mother, teacher, sister and friend rolled up into one helpful, caring, authentic and ethical person?

Side note: it’s angered and mystified me when I’ve read here that some therapists run or refer a client when the topic of sexual or paternal transference comes up.
It’s as if the client has done something wrong?
But feelings are feelings, right? ?

Current T explained that sometimes the T refers due to their inexperience or out of concern the *T* has done something wrong. I hadn’t thought about that.
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