I ended things with T

And it was pretty awkward. First I saw her walking from her car into the building. She saw me and I didn’t want to go in with her but she knew I was there and she was trying to catch my attention and it was uncomfortable.

Then as soon as I got into her office we talked about my surgery and the pain and my anxiety over things. Then I said I needed to talk to her and I said “don’t get mad, but do you think things are working out between us?” And she said “ohhh” and made a dramatic sad face. And I said I felt like our personality’s clashed and I said it was me and not her (a total lie) and she said she was sad but wasn’t taking it personally. So she asked me what I was looking for in a therapist and I told her and she went through the other therapists pictures and at one point she showed me one and said “how about her? Pretty red hair.” Which annoyed me because I don’t want a therapist who has good hair I want one that will work well with me because I’m trans and autistic. Then we agreed on someone and she has to email her and see if she has room and then it’s just gonna be a bunch of emails all around.

Then she said “but don’t worry. I won’t take it personally. Well maybe a little. Haha just kidding.” And that rubbed me the wrong way too.

Then when we were done she said “ooh I gotta use the bathroom” and rushed off making all these gross grunting noises and didn’t walk me out.

And after the bathroom thing is when I just had it with her and I’ll be willing to be on a waiting list if I have to instead of seeing her again.

But my old T thought this one would be perfect for me. Guess not. I was assertive though and I didn’t tell her she did strange things that made me uncomfortable. I just told her our personality’s clashed and she was more exuberant and I was more quieter then she was.

But man what another mess of a session with her.

She sounds like a weirdo. Good for you for ending it with her.

Yeah the car thing woulda been bad for me. Bad boundaries. Its like she never experienced that situation with her own t. Its a very common experience and she handled it very very poorly.

Then the red hair comment? And the grunting? Im dead.

She also told me she has 2 other clients with autism but they are higher functioning then I am.

If I didn’t want to continue with this practice I’d report her for that comment.

I think therapists are all useless do-nothing gits -but what you described would not bother me. It is fine that it bothers you and are finding another if you want one. But I don't know what would be reportable about what she did or said. Who would you report it to? Therapists don't mind being assholes and generally blame the client anyway. Reporting them is usually harder on the client than the therapist. Those people get very defensive and blaming.

It sounds like you made the right decision. That comment about the other T having "pretty red hair" is especially odd! If you end up on a waiting list, are there other T's in your area you could look into in the meantime? If you search on Psychology Today, you can choose "issues," and they have both autism and transgender listed there. T's also can list "Communities" with things like "Transgender allied." (When I was looking for a possible new T at one point, one actually listed "Vegan allied," which sort of amused me. I'm a vegetarian, though not vegan, and it seemed really odd to me that a T would list that on their site?)


In terms of your old T thinking she'd be perfect--the thing is, T's who know each other professionally haven't generally been a client of that T and wouldn't know how they actually interact with clients. It's possible she just knows this T has worked with clients on the spectrum before and automatically assumed she'd be a good fit.

Higher functioning? How can she make such comparisons???

Bathroom noises? She sounds beyond weird. Good for you being up front and leaving her for good

I spilled my guts about her to my Pdoc. He seemed very disturbed by her behavior. More then I did actually. He called her extremely unprofessional and he wants me to stop seeing her ASAP and not finish off the appointments I have set up. He said just because a therapist seems like a good fit and specializes in what I need, doesn’t mean she’s actually a good therapist.

The only issue is that he’s wondering if my old T can do a few video sessions with me until I find someone new. And I’m not sure she’ll agree to that. And that may make my mental health worse. Its not a good idea for my mental health to go back to her either. But being denied by her will just destroy me. I wish my Pdoc wouldn’t have said that. With the change in meds I think I’d be ok on a waiting list for awhile. My old T feels like being in a toxic relationship. I’ll go back to her even if it’s not a good idea and is a danger to my mental health.

My Pdoc said she shouldn’t be talking about any other client and he said what you said about making comparisons. He also said “who cares anyways what someone’s function level is”

I'm glad your pdoc validated your concerns.


In terms of talking with your former T, if you've moved to a different state (I got the sense you did), if she's not licensed in the state you moved to, she may be unwilling to meet with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you personally. Some T's are more relaxed about that (like my T will do video sessions with regular clients who are away at college out of state), but others are more strict, with concerns about legality. So just keep that in mind if you end up asking.

Mine frequently mentions other clients, particularly since the pandemic started. It bothers me some, but I haven't said much about it (just once when I was bothered by how he characterized a female client, as it offended me).

But then just this week, he said he needed to be out for a funeral today. That he was rescheduling some clients for Thursday evening or the weekend. But that we had a "unique" situation in that I see him three times a week. I asked if he meant he'd prefer that I not reschedule that session, and he said yes. Which led to a whole spiral of feeling like I was less important than the clients he *did* reschedule (he said those were weekly ones). And now, after some email/text exchanges, he's put me tentatively on his schedule for this evening.

Had he not mentioned what he was doing with the other clients, I'd have been in a much better place with it all, I think.

Not intending to hijack your thread--just wanted to agree that it can be a negative thing when T's talk about other clients.

My old T talked about her other clients too. She even told one “I’ll be right with you.” As she was walking me out the door. I found it kind of weird.

So far I haven’t heard back from anyone. The new or old place. I also haven’t heard from the pharmacy and my anxiety is so bad I really want to start my Ativan.

But yeah I don’t know if it was a good idea just in general for my Pdoc to suggest the old therapist because of the transference that was going on before. Even if it’s just a few sessions I feel like she may be uncomfortable with that. She most likely would just be worried about my mental health if we met again, and would probably get pissed at my Pdoc for starting this.

He messed up another time too by saying all the therapists and doctors were going back to in session when really only a few were and my therapist was not one of them. But it kinda messed me up.

He’s just as kooky as all the others but not as bad. I feel like he’s irresponsible with meds sometimes.

Glad you took the steps to get out of there! The comments and her behavior also sound rather unprofessional to me. Especially the thing about the other clients, it's one thing to talk about them like 'another person had a similar struggle and they found this way to cope with it' or something like that, but not comparing them!

If you feel the dynamic with your old T wouldn't be the best, I wouldn't do it, even if your Pdoc suggested it. I'm sure it was well-intended, but maybe he doesn't know everything about your story with that T and might misinterpret how well that would go? I'd go with your feelings and what you want on this one, if you're comfortable then okay, but otherwise from how I'm reading your posts it seems to me that at least for now you'd be able to cope without a T until you find one with an open slot?

A really good thread, Mountaindewd! And good luck with everything!

No one has replied back to me. I sent an email to my old T asking if she contacted that other one she’s trying to get me into see. I haven’t heard back from her. I also haven’t heard back from my previous T that my Pdoc was emailing. So right now I’m kind of at a loss as to what to do. My mom suggested I wait until tomorrow and then contact a completely different practice.

But I did cancel all my appointments with this T. So I am for sure not seeing her anymore.

I'd wait until tomorrow. With it being Monday, they're likely catching up with correspondence from the weekend. Though I suppose it wouldn't hurt to reach out to another practice in the meantime.

I sent a second one to the weird T. A kinda pissed off one. I explained that if she couldn’t help me out I’d go to a different practice. She hasn’t responded to that one either. I feel kinda like she ghosted me a bit. I feel like the whole practice ghosted me. Plus the therapist my Pdoc wants me to see again. I know last week my T brought up a firm boundary issue that my other therapist mentioned. Despite the fact that she didn’t tell my T that the boundary issue was her fault. So maybe she just thinks I’m having poor boundaries. But I feel like she still needs to contact me about this so we can discuss the referral even if it doesn’t happen.

My T’s never called or emailed. Which I find incredibly unprofessional. So I called the practice and asked what was up. They said the one my old T refereed me to isn’t taking new clients. Then I asked about a second one and they said she could only see me once a month. Finally the 3rd one can see me in 2 weeks and then every week after that. But she doesn’t take my insurance. So I’d be paying $100 a session. Money I don’t have. So I set up the first appointment in 2 weeks, and I’ll see how it goes and then see what I can do.

But **** is this move screwing me over in so many ways.

My mom and I called another practice. I saw on my insurances website that said this place took my insurance and were accepting new clients. But when we called they said they didn’t take it and the therapists on the list weren’t taking new clients anyways. Despite what the website said. So we called the actual insurance company and they put us on hold for 15 minutes while they tried to figure out something. Then they got back on the line and said they’d have to do more research and would call us back tomorrow.

What the ****? Even the insurance company couldn’t find me a therapist who’d take their dumb insurance. I still have the appointment with the one I set up with last week. So I’ll see how it goes and if I have to pay $100 each session then that’s what I’ll have to do. I hope she’s nice though.

Edit: the insurance lady called back. Said she still couldn’t find anyone who would take my insurance. What a **** show. I can’t imagine how it will be finding a trans friendly primary who is able to prescribe me my injections plus a trans friendly gynecologist.

Plus summer is hard to find a t. A lot of them traditionally go on vacation for the month of August. So they might not want to start, just to stop.

Theres no universities at your new location?