[Brown Owl 2]

I think that most of the therapists I’ve seen have been over confident about their ability to handle the complexities of the therapeutic relationship. I think that therapists should be more humble and that their first action in a rupture should be to examine and own their part in it, and that they should openly discuss that, as therapists, they will fail you in some way some, or maybe much, of the time. I’ve been reading some books about therapy recently and in the books the clients seem to be blamed for ruptures, and it seems to be assumed that therapists are perfect.

[Yaowen]

Dear Brown Owl 2,

I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. Thanks. Humility, sadly is not something taught in Medical School . . . if it can be taught. I could certainly use a lot more of it.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think that owning her responsibility in our current rupture, is whats actually allowing me to move forward. I think what held me up was her explaining away or being defensive about what she did/didn't do.

However, I think "fail" is too big a word for mistakes. To me, failure is abandonment, abuse, exploitation, malice, etc. L used the words "fail" last night and it actually hurt to think that she thinks she failed me. She didn't. She let me down, didn't attune to me, was too logical and not enough emotional to create a rapport, etc. She did some things wrong, but she is not all to blame either. I did things wrong too. As L would say, it's a dance. And we each need to take ownership for our parts.

She didn't "fail" me. She was human and made a mistake.

[Brown Owl 2]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Dear Brown Owl 2,

I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. Thanks. Humility, sadly is not something taught in Medical School . . . if it can be taught. I could certainly use a lot more of it.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thanks. I think maybe it can be taught - maybe it comes from a philosophical understanding of the uncertainty of all knowledge and of inbalances of power in relationships.

[Brown Owl 2]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I think that owning her responsibility in our current rupture, is whats actually allowing me to move forward. I think what held me up was her explaining away or being defensive about what she did/didn't do.

However, I think "fail" is too big a word for mistakes. To me, failure is abandonment, abuse, exploitation, malice, etc. L used the words "fail" last night and it actually hurt to think that she thinks she failed me. She didn't. She let me down, didn't attune to me, was too logical and not enough emotional to create a rapport, etc. She did some things wrong, but she is not all to blame either. I did things wrong too. As L would say, it's a dance. And we each need to take ownership for our parts.

She didn't "fail" me. She was human and made a mistake.

L sounds awesome. I read your post about your rupture and it reminded me of my own ruptures with my former T, the content was different, but there were similarities, and the T intellectuallised rather than responding to the emotion I was feeling, and was also defensive. I think that if the T had expressed that she felt she had a part in our ruptures, it would have helped. Instead she gave clever interpretations of the root of my ‘problems’ that had caused the rupture.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

L sounds awesome. I read your post about your rupture and it reminded me of my own ruptures with my former T, the content was different, but there were similarities, and the T intellectuallised rather than responding to the emotion I was feeling, and was also defensive. I think that if the T had expressed that she felt she had a part in our ruptures, it would have helped. Instead she gave clever interpretations of the root of my ‘problems’ that had caused the rupture.

I can relate to bad conflict resolution too. That's what happened with ex-T. She got me so mixed up, that she had me believing that everything was my fault, that she knew best, I was always wrong or that it was all in my head. She would play these different mental word games like telling me that she didn't say xyz. It really tripped me up. One time H was there and witnessed it too. Another time I was actually able to catch her doing it. Boy was she pissed. She always tried to be so perfect and even laughed at me when I told her so. And she constantly was telling me that I needed more support: DBT group, any support group, hospitalization, crisis house, etc. She's the one who found me these forums.

L has been very different. Yes, I feel she got caught up in trying to preserve her ideals until she realized what she was actually doing. She has already apologized for two things that happened. We're working through it all slowly and thoughtfully. She is just human. She's going to make mistakes. What matters is that she owns and takes responsibility for those mistakes, and not just chalk it up to some excuse, look to blame something or someone else, or not take actions to try to prevent these things in the future.

[stopdog]

The woman I hired (who was an idiot) used to tell me she was an excellent therapist - if she actually was, she hid it very well

[justbreathe1994]

I completely agree with this. I think therapists often forget that clients come to them with attachment issues and its their job to be aware of how their behavior impacts the client. I am not saying that the therapist should be responsible for everything, but they are the ones who go to school and get trained while the client is coming to them for help for their trauma.

[*Beth*]

I don't believe that most therapists recognize and accept how big of an influence they have upon their clients. That they don't acknowledge it causes me to feel wary. It seems to me that most T's are overconfident about the "method" of therapy they use, yet lack confidence with regard to their client's attachment to them (the T).

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't believe that most therapists recognize and accept how big of an influence they have upon their clients. That they don't acknowledge it causes me to feel wary. It seems to me that most T's are overconfident about the "method" of therapy they use, yet lack confidence with regard to their client's attachment to them (the T).

And (to add to what you wrote) some of them lack self awareness and act confident even if they have no clue what they are doing or are using the client to fill there own needs.

[daisydid]

This hits home today. My therapist did something stupid today and I called him out on it. Later on he said that I was projecting my anger onto him. “Or, you know, maybe you screwed up.”

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by daisydid

This hits home today. My therapist did something stupid today and I called him out on it. Later on he said that I was projecting my anger onto him. “Or, you know, maybe you screwed up.”

Ha. Therapists can be the kings/queens of gaslighting.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2

I think that most of the therapists I’ve seen have been over confident about their ability to handle the complexities of the therapeutic relationship. I think that therapists should be more humble and that their first action in a rupture should be to examine and own their part in it, and that they should openly discuss that, as therapists, they will fail you in some way some, or maybe much, of the time. I’ve been reading some books about therapy recently and in the books the clients seem to be blamed for ruptures, and it seems to be assumed that therapists are perfect.

Books that therapists write about therapy tend to be just so much self-congratulatory drivel. It’s like a watching movie that you know will have a tidy, happy ending. I’m always shocked at how I can never find research that focuses on clients’ experiences of therapy.