[weaverbeaver]

My t crossed my boundaries in so many ways last week. It was a special occasion for me and my t had a party during our session. At first I was delighted and thought it was a lovely gesture but now I don’t think it was appropriate because she isn’t family and never will be and it opened up all that’s attachment wounds all over again.
I left feeling so confused and disappointed that my own family made no effort. I am really confused by it all

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[SlumberKitty]

HUGS (if wanted) weaverbeaver

I can see where the T might have had good intentions but I can totally see how that could open up attachment wounds and confusion and all sorts of difficult things. It's nice when our T's can just be T's and not try to take on extra roles in our life. Because they can't really. I'm sorry your T missed the boat on this and I hope you get to feeling better soon. Kit

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

HUGS (if wanted) weaverbeaver

I can see where the T might have had good intentions but I can totally see how that could open up attachment wounds and confusion and all sorts of difficult things. It's nice when our T's can just be T's and not try to take on extra roles in our life. Because they can't really. I'm sorry your T missed the boat on this and I hope you get to feeling better soon. Kit

Hugs are always welcome thank you for your understanding. I think T had good intentions. She made such an effort and it blew me away but afterwards it hit me that she can’t be in my life and it was a reminder of what I don’t have.

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[MobiusPsyche]

I would perhaps be a bit gentle with your T. Their intentions were good and they had no way of knowing that your family was not going to acknowledge this occasion in any way. It sounds like THAT is what is really making this whole situation hurt so very much... the contrast between what your T did and what others in your life did not do.

I know it really hurts right now. I would maybe give it a little time and see if you don't feel differently with some time. I would feel hurt and angry and loss of other things besides if important people in my life, or people who were supposed to be important, ignored a key occasion.

But why take that anger out on your T? Unless they invited other people from the office into your therapy session for a party, they didn't do anything unethical. I can understand if you are just not a party person or don't like surprises... but it seemed like you were delighted at the time? It was only after the fact, when you compared it to how others in your life were behaving, that it became tarnished and painful. Maybe Work on reframing that a bit if you can?

That's just my perspective. I'm not saying it's the right one; I'm just offering a different view. Your pain is quite valid, though, and it does hurt to feel like your T is the only one who really cares.

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[Taylor27]

Hug's weaverbeaver. I think your t had good intentions and I hope you can bring this up to your therapist as maybe she wanted to do something positive in that it would help you know she cares about you. Sometimes therapy can be a positive experience and I don't believe your t crossed any boundaries. I know this would scare and bring up old hurts because no one in my past life did this either for me. I really hope you can talk to your t and work through this with her. Hug's

[weaverbeaver]

Thank you both for your replies, my t definitely had good intentions. I think that’s why it hurt because she really thought about everything so much except how I would feel afterwards. I cried because I couldn’t believe it and I have been crying ever since.
It was such a lovely jesters that it really touched me and made me realise how little people in my life care about me and it hurt me so much.
I would like to talk to t about it but I don’t want her to feel about it and how I felt and how upset I was. My t just thought she was doing something nice and she didn’t expect me to burst out crying. I feel so bad for feeling like this.

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[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

Thank you both for your replies, my t definitely had good intentions. I think that’s why it hurt because she really thought about everything so much except how I would feel afterwards. I cried because I couldn’t believe it and I have been crying ever since.
It was such a lovely jesters that it really touched me and made me realise how little people in my life care about me and it hurt me so much.
I would like to talk to t about it but I don’t want her to feel about it and how I felt and how upset I was. My t just thought she was doing something nice and she didn’t expect me to burst out crying. I feel so bad for feeling like this.

Sometimes these moments are ultimately useful in helping us figure out what we need? Clearly it means a lot to you to be celebrated in this way and maybe your family doesn't care enough or maybe that just isn’t their “love language.” Maybe they’d respond well to being told that this is the type of thing you’d appreciate. Or maybe this is the moment you start to seek out people who are more able to love you the way you want to be loved?

It’s painful to realize what you wish you had but don’t. But what you’re describing doesn’t sound like longing for something impossible, it sounds like it could be a turning point.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Sometimes these moments are ultimately useful in helping us figure out what we need? Clearly it means a lot to you to be celebrated in this way and maybe your family doesn't care enough or maybe that just isn’t their “love language.” Maybe they’d respond well to being told that this is the type of thing you’d appreciate. Or maybe this is the moment you start to seek out people who are more able to love you the way you want to be loved?

It’s painful to realize what you wish you had but don’t. But what you’re describing doesn’t sound like longing for something impossible, it sounds like it could be a turning point.

It’s also hard because I know my t can’t be the one to provide that kind of relationship and that’s what hurts the most because I feel like she gave me a glimpse of what it’s like and quickly took it away 🥲

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[Favorite Jeans]

Oh yeah. I hear you. That is painful. And if it feels like a boundary crossing that’s really something to address. But honestly, when being cared about feels so foreign and painful, that’s a thing to work on.

[Waterbear]

It’s also hard because I know my t can’t be the one to provide that kind of relationship and that’s what hurts the most because I feel like she gave me a glimpse of what it’s like and quickly took it away 🥲

In my experience, that is the work. To have a different experience in the present is both magical and excruciatingly painful.

Your internal bits are doing two things (well probably lots more actually!) You are learning what life should have been like for you. Over time repeatedly, this will hopefully help you to create that good life for yourself, by doing nice things for yourself, talking kindly to yourself etc and also by finding people to be in your life who help you to experience those things. But also you will learn to grieve for your family not being there for you in that way. To feel the hurt and the anger and all that good stuff.

Without a T modelling what it should have been like, how would someone who has never experienced that know? How would they know that that is a possibility?

This type of work has been life changing for me, but it isn't for everyone I guess.

Not sure if that makes sense but I hope it does.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand you feel your boundaries were crossed and that is valid and understandable. However, I also don't think your T did anything wrong. Unless you previously stated something along the lines of no celebrations. I actually think what your T did was appropriate. I agree with Waterbear that your T was modeling what healthy relationships look like. I don't think your pain is coming from your T's actions, but rather your family's lack of actions. And I think you might be placing the hurt and blame on your T because she's safer to be mad at than your family.

***I could be wrong on all of this. It's just speculation and hypothesis

Definitely talk to your T about this. I bet a good conversation/processing will come from it.