End of an Era

Even if she has lost sight of how damaging this kind of ending is, her supervisor will know it and might provide guidance.

I think the complicating factor is that any kind of reversal of her decision, even if it is for the proper goodbye session you should have had, could cause further hurt and confusion. Also, you deserve more than one session to say goodbye after 5 years of hard work. You should have your five months!

I would be furious about my therapist telling me that she loved me in this way. Such intimate things should be said with care and consideration, not as parting shots and not without an ongoing dialogue about their impact.

I really feel for you, this is truly heartbreaking. Keep talking to us here, I think many of us can imagine something of your pain.

Thank you Lonelyinmyheart. It was nice of her to come and sit with me. I wasn't expecting to see her. I wasn't expecting her to walk someone to their car.

In a way, in that moment, I saw a glimpse of the real her. And I think I needed to see that in order to understand why she has made the decision that she has. I still don't think it is the right decision, and I am still going to fight to have some sort of proper ending to this, in whatever form that takes, but I needed to see it in order to start to understand I think. She has been an absolute rock in my therapy. I needed that. I still need that, and if her world has been so shaken that she cannot be that rock, then I agree that right now we cannot do this work together, but that doesn't preclude two humans coming together to grieve the end of a relationship, in my humble opinion.

That's the bit I don't understand.

Comrademoomoo, thank you for seeing my pain. It really means so very much that there is a place where people do understand on some level.

I wholeheartedly agree that I should have my five months. And my final (of four, oh dear) emails said that I need to have that. That if she thinks I deserve better, then give me better, basically. Not now. Not with all of this going on, but one day. When she feels she can. I don't think I will get it, I really don't, but I do feel like I need to fight for it. I do feel like I owe it to the parts of me that were just entering into this work to at least stand up and protest at this. To fight for what we believe we need.

Honestly, u don't know what the answer is myself. I keep flitting between thoughts and feelings. I keep changing my mind and my viewpoint. I don't think that there is anything called ideal now, sadly. I think that ship sailed a while ago.

I'm not furious with her, though I understand why others might be. Like I said to lonelyinmyheart, that brief interaction helped me to see that now isn't the right time to do this work. It helped me to see that she does need a break. It helped me to see that she can't be who u need her to be right now.

The sad thing is, I think her supervisor is appalling at deep relational work. So many things that she has mentioned about her make me feel that way. To add, she doesn't talk about her all the time or anything, but we will definitely get our fair share of 'my supervisor said' or something like that.

I can imagine how utterly heartbreaking and confusing this is and it doesn't take away from that, but you're showing a lot of inner strength and compassion for yourself to recognise what you need from her in such a devastating situation. That really is testament to the work you've achieved with her. It's also clear that you care about your T a lot as a person and you know her really well, I mean as she normally is, which makes it harder I imagine, not understanding how she can't see what she's doing to you now and give you the chance to say goodbye. I know you know she's in a really bad place but I think understanding something logically isn't always the same as understanding it emotionally.

I just hope she listens and agrees that you deserve AT LEAST one closure session when she's able to give it. Hopefully more. But definitely that. Even if it feels impossible for her right now, and presumably it does, I'm sure she would benefit from the same. 5 years work is a long time, for both of you. I think she might well regret any decision made in the moment that doesn't offer you at least that as a chance to value your time together.

Hang in there. I know this is beyond awful.

Thank you so so much. I'm hanging in there. And giving us both side time now.

I'm glad you reached out and found support! Compassionate responses go a long way. And not relying too much on therapy for support is also safer. And yeah, I think it's ok not to know. This must be hugely disorienting, both the pain itself and the disruption of what the two of you built, so it might not be easy to even figure out all of your (possibly conflicting?) needs.

I agree that you owe yourself(yourselves?) to fight for what you need, and from what I see you're doing an admirable job. But this is also still very fresh, so it's only natural that you're confused and your feelings and thoughts are all over the place. I really hope that what you need and what she can give becomes closer as you both do your own healing

Thanks Corbie. It is all still very very fresh, yes, sometimes I expect myself too be ok with things really quickly. Sometimes I forget that thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas and paths all can take a while to.... Materialise? Not sure how to explain it.

I had an email back from T. Not sure how I feel about it straight away, but my immediate feelings are not absolutely awful, so maybe that is something.

She said,

Dear xx

I understand. I will take a proper break for now.

Thank you for understanding whilst at the same time using your voice for Teenage One, she deserves that, and I will leave the light on for her and continue to watch the moon.

Time for you and time for your book (I am writing a book about my therapy journey) sound good right now. I will get back to you in the coming months.

Take care,

T

So my search for a new T started today. It's hard!! Especially when all you want is your Old T to go back to being Old T again. Taking steps though, has to be a good thing even if it doesn't work out.

Wow, good on you for finding the strength and courage to look despite everything! It definitely sounds wise to seek out support even if it only turns out to be temporary. It won't be or feel the same but I hope it gives you something of what you need as you try to deal with what happened with your previous T. I'm glad she wrote back to you and didn't say a definite 'no' to contact at some stage in the future, but it's such an abrupt ending nonetheless and you're probably having so many different thoughts and feelings about her and what happened. I hope you find someone supportive and compassionate to process it all with, whether a therapist or someone else. Good luck.

Thank you so much LonelyInmyheart. Oh absolutely, so many different thoughts and feelings, they just keep swinging about, one minute I'm ok with it, can wait to see what she says about an ending, accept that I will need to find someone else to do the trauma work with me, feel positive and full of energy, the next minute I feel so low and lacking in motivation, all the Ts seem like complete nutters, I just want my T to finish this with me etc, the next minute I am angry with her for doing this. For not seeing how harmful this is. For not just being able to give me an hour of her time to help process this or help me to find a new T.

So yeah, I need to process it all somehow, and I think I could probably use some support with that. I've been opening up too my friends, which is amazing given that five years ago I didn't even have any friends to open up to, let alone feel able to do it, but there is only so much you can go on about a therapist to them, they care, I'm sure, but if it needs more than an occasional discussion it probably needs therapy...

If nothing else maybe this experience is still teaching me things!