End of an Era

I've been working with my T for just over five years now. We have done some amazing work together. She helped me learn to trust her. She helped me to learn to start to build relationships with other people. She helped me to grieve for the loss of my Mum and the loss of the Mum that I wish I had had. She became the good enough mother to me, and helped me to reconnect with my inner little child, to take her hand and to take over that role. She helped me to learn how to feel again (though right now with all th se feelings going on I kind of wish I hadn't learnt that!). She helped me to leave my unhealthy and unhappy relationship and she helped me to settle into a new, much better one.

She has been by my side for the last five years, sometimes giving much more than I imagine she ever expected she would have to, and sometimes taking a step back and watching me grow and learn and develop.

We were just staring to work on Childhood Sexual and Physical Abuse, feeling anger and talking about shame (I'm not sure I feel that or not) when Covid came along. We've bumbled around since then, kind of working on it, kind of not. Then she had a bereavement which meant we were out of contact suddenly for six weeks, which was incredibly hard given that I was literally just about to share with her some of the details that have been kept secret all these years (the whole thing has been kept secret, except for her, previous T and my ex husband).

I thought things were getting back to normal when I text last week and we scheduled a session. She has only justt offered slightly longer sessions as we reduced from twice a week to once a week not long ago, a couple of months. I was looking forward to getting back to working on it all again. This feels like the final hurdle. It feels like we are so very close to putting the puzzle back together.

And then I hear today that she is winding down her private practice. That she will stop working from home privately from December. And so we have 5 months left. I'm appreciative of the notice, don't get me wrong, but I am..... I have no idea how I am feeling. Upset? Annoyed? Relieved? Hurt? Shocked? Confused? All of the above?

The only good thing is that I can at least recognise that I have options. I have a choice. I can't choose the one thing that I want, but I do have options as to where to go from here.

I can forget it all and go on with my new life without resolving the trauma. I can go back to my old T (I had a few sessions with her during the last six weeks and we talked about the possibility). I can find a new T to work with. I can get done in 5 months what I can get done and then call it quits.

Again, none of those would be my preferred option and really, I want to know why? Why is she stopping private practice. She only does 1 day a week in that now anyway I think, preferring her other projects instead. She has taken a natural lean that way over the last five years as it is, but I don't think she is stopping those. She is not retiring I don't think. Just stopping private, which hurts. It feels like she can't enjoy those as much. Doesn't get as much from them. Finds them too difficult.

The work we have done is helping me to try not to relate that to 'finds me more difficult' 'doesn't enjoy sessions with me as much as at the school' etc but it's proving a difficult voice to counter right now.

Anyway. I'm not sure what I am looking for, maybe just understanding.

I'll see her for the first time in six weeks, on Tuesday, and I hope I am able to talk about some of this with her, but the voice of 'why bother' is pretty vocal.............

This really is the end of an era, and I just want to cry right now.

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I had a long term T who went far above and beyond the call of duty for me many times. She was the only person I told most of my stuff to. She got sick with MS and we had to quit working together. It was devastating to me because I didn't feel done. In fact she was still my therapist until I found a new one. It was probably some of the hardest time in my life.


If you can, I suggest talking to her about it while you have the time. I think it is incredibly important. I had a little wind down time with my T but not lots of time. It was pretty traumatic, the end. You said that you just want to cry right now and that's exactly what I think you should do. I cried for a good six months after losing my T and I cried in session for the first time with her on the last session. That was her final gift to me. She taught me to cry.


It's good you know your options. I say after the five months goes by listen to your gut. Maybe you will be willing to find a new T at that point and conquer the childhood traumas. Or maybe you will be done. Your gut will tell you.


I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult. I wish you didn't have to experience this. That you could find a natural end to the relationship. So often that doesn't get to happen. Please look after yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself and let yourself cry as much as you need to. Keep writing here if it helps. Sending hugs your way, if okay. Kit

This is so painful. I imagine that something about her closing private practice feels pointed and as if she is leaving you but not other projects. I don't think you used the word abandonment in your post, but a lot of your post made me think of the hurt and anger and fear which can come around as a result of perceived abandonment, regardless of whether what is happening is actual abandonment or not.

Five months is time to work through an ending, but it's still time limited and that is really hard. How could you let your "why bother" voice be heard? Would she be able to hear it?

Thank you Kit, hugs from someone who gets it are so incredibly welcome. I'm sorry you went through a similar thing. It really does hurt, but I don't want to go down the "she is hurting me" route for too long. What we have achieved is too valuable to destroy by those thoughts, but I am devestated that we won't get to finish what we started. That she won't be with me as I make the next moves in dealing with the past traumas.

I am grateful of the warning, the notice, the time that we will hopefully have to decide what to do going forwards and who knows, maybe we will indeed finish. Maybe this is the kick up the bum that I actually need to really focus on this last phase of the work.

In the meantime I will cry, thank you. It's just hard trying to maintain an outward appearance of doing ok when inside I feel so much grief. Who would understand in my normal life!?! Even if they say they do, they won't know unless they have had this kind of relationship with someone and then had it taken away. Honestly, it feels like a parent is dying. She has been so much the parent I never had in an emotionally present sense and I am losing that.

Thank you so much for your words, Comrade. Yes, it does feel very pointed, and we will be having a frank (I hope) conversation about it on Tuesday. If it is as I think, and she is not retiring but just closing private practice, I will be making sure she knows that I feel that is the wrong decision. That she should wind down her clients naturally, as they come to an end, but I do realise she isnt bound by my inner parts moralities.

The adult in me can see that she has every right to change jobs, move cross country, do whatever the hell she wants, but that she just has to do it in such a way as is as careful and gentle as possible, and (apart from letting me know by email) I do think she is doing that by giving me time, and helping me to see options.

But yes, it does feel like she is walking out on me. On my Teenage One. Just as that part of me was ready to come to her. Just as that part of me was ready to open up to her. Bad timing all round really, but she wasn't to know any of that. She will on Tuesday though.

And I am sure she will also hear my "why bother" voice. She will hear my "there's no point" voice. I am sure she will sit with me in that for as long as I want and need, hearing it, acknowledging the hurt this is causing me, seeing the struggle it is for me.

But if I really want to make the most of the time, maybe I do just keep going. If we were really on the brink, why not continue and see where it takes us.

I don't think that five months is enough to fully resolve it, personally. To determine whether or not I want to confront my abuser (who is still very much in my life), to come to some resolution between the parts that hate him for what he did to me and the parts of me who love him for who he was, who he still is and the relationship we have today. To open up to my family about what happened and to learn to tie that all together. I don't think five months is enough for all of that, personally.

There's still a sliver of me that says "if I work hard, if I prove we are making progress, maybe, maybe she will consider seeing this journey out with me" but I won't know if that is a possibility until Tuesday.

Two of my therapists ended somewhat this way - with warning but no option to continue. In the first situation, it was actually me who was doing the leaving because of graduation and moving on with a career. Staying was not an option - it was a university counseling office. We knew exactly when the therapy would end. We used some of the last month working on a plan for me to find a therapist in my new situation if that was what I wanted to do. The second was a situation where the therapist took a position in another state. I only had a few weeks notice, but it was okay. I was at a place where I knew I could take a break from therapy for a while and decide how to proceed later. His was a career change choice, and while I would have loved for him to stay, it was his decision to make.

I eventually did find another therapist, but it was like a decade later. My journey through therapy (and healing from my abuse background) was a long one spanning several decades (not all in one long-swoop but a bit at a time). I guess what I am saying is to use the time you have with your current therapist - don’t let it bog down in the “ending”; you can make good progress in 5 months and get to a place where you are okay with the goodbye and the transition, but it doesn’t have to be the only focus for 5 months. You can get yourself to a place where the goodbye feels okay. You also don’t have to go straight to another therapist. It’s okay to take a break for awhile and regroup. I found each therapy experience to be quite unique, and I made gains with each therapist that might not have happened with the one before. New eyes and different approaches were a benefit to me in retrospect.

It’s hard to say goodbye, but this is where the adult part has to take the lead and guide the younger parts to adjust to change. Our “kids” don’t always understand or like change, but with the right adult holding their hand, they can trust that they will be safe with the change and be able to move on.

Artley, thank you for your wise words, and it is definitely an interesting way of looking at it. I totally see your point about my adult self holding the hand of my inner children, and when thinking about my Little One I can absolutely do that now, thanks to therapy. I'm ok with that part now, and ok with that side of therapy ending. But I am not ok with taking the hand of my Teenage part yet, and maybe, if she won't reconsider seeing me past December, this is what we should be working on in the next few months. Getting to the stage where I can be ok with walking alongside myself with this.

Right now, I am fighting for that part, fighting to keep my T and the help and guidance that she is giving both Teenage One and my adult self. It feels like I am asking on behalf of my Teenage One which in itself is a huge step forwards because I don't think I've ever fought for her really.

I think you are right that maybe a change in T won't necessarily be a bad thing, and I do hear what you are saying that it's ok to take a break, but it doesn't feel ok to me right now.

My absuser was a family member, my brother, who I now have a relationship with. The only other direct family I have is my Dad. The three of us are quite close, but we have this HUGE secret. No-one knows. I don't categorically know my brother was there that day, though it seems crazy that he wasn't, (and regardless he physically abused me for years on top) my brother probably hopes I was too young to remember and I have never told my parents, though they knew I was completely messed up, just no idea why. Mum is dead now, just Dad left.

And so we go about our lives with the massive elephant in the room all the time. I cannot, will not, go another ten years to address this. I won't even go another two or three without trying to fix it. The time is now. It has to be, otherwise I feel I have to abandon the relationship I do have with them, and I don't want to do that, not really. I want to repair it properly. I don't know if that makes sense.

You put into words what I could not with my experience. I can relate to this so much I feel I wrote this paragraph. I lost a therapist a few months ago that meant everything in the world to me and its been almost impossible to pretend I am ok with all of this grief. Some days are harder than others but the hard days are ROUGH. Just as you wrote here, I feel like a parent died. Like I lost the parent I never had in every way you can imagine and I am left with nothing but grief and memories. Time does make it slightly easier but one thing that helps me is looking back on the work we did and how she helped me and how grateful I am for all it. That I was so blessed she was part of my life even if it didn’t last forever.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself and let yourself cry and feel all of the emotions. Just try not to get stuck in them. I am sorry you are going through this. This is a grief like no other but you have some time left to make the most of. Perhaps you could ask her for a letter or transitional object you could always hold onto?

So, I had my session with my counsellor today. I don't think I am going to be able to convince her to extend past her cut off date of December. Sadly. Though I have asked, and will probably continue to ask. It's unlike me to stand up for myself, but therapy has taught me to do this much more!!

I had written a ten page thing for her to read. That's generally what I do when I have things to say. She was sat at one end of the table and I at the other, as far as I could physically get, basically, on the edge of my seat facing away from her. I heard the struggle in her voice at several points. I wish I had turned to look, turned to face her, turned to see her emotion about the whole situation. But I didn't. I was stuck.

She kept stopping to address certain things, though I don't remember a lot of what she said to be honest. I know she did try and explain why, a little. She was very very hesitant to do so, but she did. Some of it made sense, some of it made no sense at all, at the moment. Maybe I'll understand with a little more time.

I had written some words in there that have never been spoken aloud, I don't think. Certainly not by me, to anyone, ever. I have only recently been able to think the words, and then in the last few months to be able to write them down. She gave a voice to them today, about what happened to me when I was younger.

Up until this point I was feeling nothing, I would say. But I heard those words and I started crying. I've only ever released silent tears in the five years we have worked together, but today, she asked if she could come and sit next to me and I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. Shaking, gasping tears as she held me. My head, cradled in my hands at first and then on her chest as she held me until I calmed down.

Tears for the past and for the present, I think.

We have agreed to continue, for now. To see what we can do in the coming months. God, that's all it is. A maximum of five months. And that doesn't include any holidays either of us may have. It really doesn't feel like it will be long enough.

I have begged her to see. To just see how things go. To not tell me that December is a hard and fast cut off. To at least consider having some sort of natural ending to this.

I don't know if she will consider it or not, but she has honoured my wish not to tell me that her kind is made up. At least there is still some hope there, for now.

The only thing I couldn't get my head around is that she kept saying she wasn't walking away. That she wasn't disappearing. But she is, or at least, she will be. I do wonder if I need to hear her say that she is. Not yet, but at some point, for her to own that somehow, I don't know.

Anyways, it was a long session. Two hours in all. We were supposed to have an hour and a half, but she stayed with me as I felt all of those feelings, and she helped me to come out the other side of it, so u could go about my day safely, and not in a bad way.

One of the reasons I am struggling with this ending is because I genuinely believe that I won't ever find anyone like her ever again. My T is a very, very special human being, and I guess maybe all the giving has just got a bit too much for her. Not in a bad way, but in that with everything she has going on in her life, she is ready to take a step back. I can't blame her for that, I guess I just have to make the most of the next few months and then figure out what to do from there.......

Sending you care, Waterbear. What a painful and difficult thing you are facing. I remember you from earlier years when you entered some intense depth work,presumably with this counsellor.

Seems I broke my therapist. Though she said I didn't. Literally half way through session. I wrote some stuff down, she read it and then said she couldn't do it anymore. Working. Said she thought she could but should have taken her supervisor's advice. Should have stayed off work for longer. She said she just wants to do the right thing, to be helpful, and realised that she wasn't being helpful, that she was too exhausted to be able to see clearly.

In some way, I get it, because she was totally off the mark, and what she was saying was pushing the parts of me that need her right now away with her words, but it is little consolation for what I am feeling right now. I am cury sat on the other side of the road from her house, on my blanket on a patch of grass, and I don't want to leave.

She said I needed to keep me, Little One and Teenage One safe, and the best way I know how to do that right now is just to sit here. Trying to make some sense of everything.

I didn't get to say goodbye. Not properly anyway. I didn't get to show her the things I had planned to show her today. I feel like I am sat in the gutter right now. And that this is where I belong. I know it isn't, but right now it feels like it is, and I am staying here.

I'm sorry this is so hard. But it doesn't sound like you "broke" your therapist at all. It sounds like she has some other serious things going on, and work in general is just too much for her right now. As much as we think everything in our therapy is about us, the therapist is also nothing else but quite human, and their own issues and problems can cause them to reach a place where they just don't feel effective. At least you have a therapist able and ethical enough to know that she is not effective in her current state.

Be gentle with yourself. She seems care deeply about your well being.

Yes, but she is now gone forever. She will not be returning to work. My heart is broken right now. I know she has stuff going on, I can see that, and I hear where she is at, but I thought we had five months to process the end of five years therapy. Now it seems I had 30 minutes.

That is unbelievably awful and painful and my heart goes out to you. 5 years therapy ending so suddenly, not to mention in the midst of a session, is truly devastating Maybe in time you'll feel a little better for knowing this wasn't because she didn't care, but I know it won't help now.

The grief associated with an ending like this is too awful for words and I think you'd benefit from support with processing the pain and everything else it has left you feeling. I imagine it would be hard because your T was one of a kind and I understand that as I'd never find anyone like my T. Maybe if you go into therapy again not expecting to find anyone like her, just a safe and caring space to process the loss of the relationship, it might feel manageable?

I'm so sorry I don't even have the words. I know how deeply this would affect me. You're really brave for taking care of yourself in the best way you can right now. Please consider support if it all becomes too much.

I'm so sorry...hugs, if wanted. Are you sure that was the final goodbye, not just that she needed to end session early and maybe take a bit of time off before wrapping up her practice? If she really meant that was the end, in the moment, it seems almost cruel. Please take care of yourself. I know you may be reluctant to find another T right now, but maybe having someone you could process this ending with, even just to see them for a couple months, could help?

Thank you LonelyInmyheart. Thank you. Devestating is the right word for it. She came out to see another client to her car and saw me sat on the grass. She came over and sat with me for 10-15 minute. Though to be fair I was still in shock I think so am struggling to remember it. When she said she had to go I asked for a hug. When we let go she looked at me in the eyes (something we have very rarely done as I struggle with eye contact) and said "I love you too".

I have emailed her asking her to consider, if not now then after a break, having an ending with me. I told her I understand if she can't do this work with me, but that I can't believe this is the way it ends. Despite her saying that she loved me it feels like I was literally pushed out of the door, it was shut behind me and locked as well. I am just confused. Confused and hurting. On top of the grief. The grief would have been bad enough.

My first reaction was that I refuse to pay someone else to help me come to terms with this. For several reasons. But actually I think you might be right. And I think you have a really valid point about accepting that they won't be my T. There is no-one quite like my T, and I told her that today.

I have been in tears all day. Sometime proper bawling, gut wrenching, screaming tears (which is so unlike me) and other times just teary. I haven't eaten more than a couple hundred calories all day which again, is very odd, and I know I should, I just can't stomach food. I feel so sick. I don't want to do anything except see my T again.

Thank you LT. Yes, it does feel cruel. She must be in a really really bad place to have to have done that, is all I can see. I asked her how I would find out what was going on and she looked confused. She said something like "I can tell you now I won't be working again". I just don't get it. She said she needed to stop so as not to cause harm, but surely she can see that an ending like this just causes harm. I'm hoping she will take a break and then be able to have some sort of an ending, if nothing else, but that certainly didn't feel on the cards after today. It felt like goodbye from her.

Struggling to find words. I'm sorry you're going through this.

At least it was nice of your T to sit with you. Even so, I kind of hope she eventually gets to a place where she can give you more of a closure. Obviously, it's not realistic to hope she'll start practiscing again, but ... dunno, an exchange of letters at least, or ... I don't really know, what I do know is it's terribly untherapeutic to quit on someone like this, even though quitting seems like the ethical thing to do in principle.

I second (or third, or whatever) other posters' advice to consider seeing a therapist/counselor just to help you with grieving. Especially since this sort of grief is otherwise very difficult to share, because not many people can relate. Of course, many Ts can't either, so you may have to be some combination of careful and lucky to find adequate support. But this is hard, to cope with the loss, and also to reconcile the caring and reliable T that helped you so far with this sudden abandonment (however good her reasons might be).

Thanks Corbie.

I really do hope so. I hope we can find a way to end this properly, at least.

And I think you are right about people not really understanding what it feels like. Though the couple of friends and my OH that I have spoken to about it did seem to at least be very compassionate. It's very new for me to open up to people, especially about something so private, so I am proud of myself for reaching out, and I am grateful they were there.

I have emailed my Old T, maybe I will start up with her again. Maybe. I don't know right now, and maybe that's ok. Maybe I need some time too.

I am struggling to describe how I feel right now. Heartbroken. Confused.

I'm not surprised you feel confused as well as heartbroken and devastated and everything else. It was nice of her to sit with you and say that she loves you but so incredibly confusing and probably re-traumatising that she could say and do those things yet be adamant that she has to end things right now without proper closure and cause you so much pain. I guess the only reason is what you already said - she's in a really bad place herself in her life and can't think beyond what is going on for her and the belief that she would be harming you if she continued to work with you. She probably can't see that her actions are harming you more by her decision to end so abruptly.

I really truly hope she reads your email and understands how badly you need some sort of closure session. Even with whatever is going on for her, I don't think that is too much to ask. Just one session to wrap up and say goodbye properly. Or else perhaps she could do this via email or a video call if that would make any difference?

I really hope you get some closure you can take with you from all this. For 5 years therapy to end this way is just horribly upsetting and wrong and she must know that deep down.