[wheeler]

Would your therapist tell you if they got divorced? My therapist, whom I’ve been seeing for over 6 years, recently got divorced and didn’t tell me. All she would tell me is that she moved and it was family related. That really frustrated me.

I found out she got divorced because a mutual friend/acquaintance told me.

I told my t that I knew she got divorced. We talked about it a bit but I’m still having residual thoughts/feelings. Logically I understand why she didn’t tell me, didn’t want to bring her **** into the room, but emotionally I’m having a hard time with it.

[RoxanneToto]

Why do you think you’re having a hard time with her not telling you?

[wheeler]

I think I was frustrated because I couldn’t understand why she moved. Which I know isn’t really my business, but it does affect me. Also she was part of my community and now she’s not. I really hate that.

[Rive.]

My T would not share that with me. Why? Their personal life is none of my business. That is the therapy boundary. It is a business relationship where their personal stuff is (mostly) out of bounds.

[wheeler]

Accepting that it’s a ‘business transaction’ is very hard. Part of me understands why she didn’t tell me, but if I’m honest I feel like she was keeping a big secret.
My wife and I saw her for couples counseling for a bit. And I’ve always imagined she had a great marriage (putting her on a pedestal) but now that she’s twice divorced I may find myself judging her capabilities. Which doesn’t make sense, at least logically.
I know I have mother transference and I’m assuming that this is where all my feelings are coming from, but it doesn’t make it less real.

[stopdog]

I doubt either woman would have told me -it would not matter to me. I never cared what they did in their real life

[SarahSweden]

I can relate to that as I would feel excluded from my therapist´s life although that's how it should be within a therapeutic relationship. I think the problem lies within the fact that your T shares some things with you and not others and that´s confusing. I know personally if I had a T who shared for example what she did last weekend but left out such a big event in life as a divorce I would feel betrayed.

Although you can´t demand she tells you about the divorce of course, she should be able to discuss the feelings you have and process them until you don´t feel the pain, exclusion and so on.

[SarahSweden]

I can relate as if I knew a couple´s therapist divorced twice I would lose respect for that therapist. It hadn´t matter if he/she had very good therapeutic skills, I wouldn´t trust a person who meets with couples to counsel them but can´t keep their own marriage together.

Originally Posted by wheeler

Accepting that it’s a ‘business transaction’ is very hard. Part of me understands why she didn’t tell me, but if I’m honest I feel like she was keeping a big secret.
My wife and I saw her for couples counseling for a bit. And I’ve always imagined she had a great marriage (putting her on a pedestal) but now that she’s twice divorced I may find myself judging her capabilities. Which doesn’t make sense, at least logically.
I know I have mother transference and I’m assuming that this is where all my feelings are coming from, but it doesn’t make it less real.

[wheeler]

Thanks for your understanding Sarah. You’ve captured exactly what I’m saying and feeling.

[weaverbeaver]

My therapist told me she had split with her husband and I found myself ruminating and worrying about her between sessions. I wish she never told me.

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[*Beth*]

Yes, my therapist would tell me. She tells me more about her personal life than I care to know.

[zoiecat]

I know most of us would like our T to share personal information such as marriage and divorce but I can also see why many do not. For example, if a T gets divorced especially one that does marriage counseling, the client may wonder how the T can help them with their problems if the T can't even solve their own *****. Not to mention that it personal and really isn't any of our business.

That being said, my T did not tell me when he got divorced but I figured it out regardless. I used to be his last appt of the day at 5pm and he told me we needed to move my appts to 4pm because he was going through a lifestyle change. I never asked what that meant but I noticed he no longer wore his wedding ring and I was able to confirm in other ways as well. I understand why he didn't come out and tell me. Besides it not being any of my business, he probably didn't want to deal with any questions or comments I may have made.

[ElectricManatee]

My T told me when she got divorced because she changed her last name and thus changed the name plate on her door, which she knew I would notice (and in fact already had). She was very matter of fact about it, but she told me years later that that had been a hard week when she was telling clients. I can see where it would be hard to feel left out. I felt a little like I was intruding into her personal life, but otherwise it wasn't a huge deal to me. I wasn't worried about her skills with relationships because she usually gave good, helpful guidance in that department. Sometimes relationships need to end, not always for reasons we can control, and it didn't bother me.

[stopdog]

I have known very few therapists who were not divorced at least once if they were straight.

[elisewin]

No she did not volunteer the info, but I saw something was up and asked if things were ok. At that point she admitted it, but directed the concersation elsewhere pretty fast. I guess it depends on the client and situation whether it is ok to share that kind of an information.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by wheeler

Accepting that it’s a ‘business transaction’ is very hard. Part of me understands why she didn’t tell me, but if I’m honest I feel like she was keeping a big secret.
My wife and I saw her for couples counseling for a bit. And I’ve always imagined she had a great marriage (putting her on a pedestal) but now that she’s twice divorced I may find myself judging her capabilities. Which doesn’t make sense, at least logically.
I know I have mother transference and I’m assuming that this is where all my feelings are coming from, but it doesn’t make it less real.

I doubt if that man would have told me.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Yes, they would have told me. My therapists kept me informed of particularly major life events that impacted my therapy (scheduling, location, etc.), and we all tended to chat a bit so these kinds of things generally came up. I knew of deaths in the family, major illnesses, new grandbabies, engagements, etc. They weren't huge topics of conversation - I wasn't interested in details - more just passing information.

[velcro003]

I'm not sure if T would tell me if she got divorced. She discloses a fair bit, but that is a huge lifestyle change that I am not sure she would tell.