Do you think people are too reliant on their therapists or too attached?

I’ve always wondered about this. (and I have a friend in mind so I asking for that too ) I’m not judging either. Someone’s treatment or relationship with a therapist is their business. And when I say “people “ it’s meant generally. (Accept for the friend Im thinking of. I’m just wondering if people can become too attached or reliant on therapists for general well-being. What I mean is I’ve heard of some people who call and text their therapists all day long or at least do that and expect the therapist to respond. It’s different if a client and therapist agree to those guidelines but if it’s one sided or meant as an emergency only sort of thing, do you think that can be abused ? My worry in general has always been that I’ll have a relationship with a therapist and either experience transference or a sense of loss when expecting a therapist to be available at all times.

And there’s some scenarios where I’ve seen people nearly demand near constant contact to the point that they have a profound sense of loss when they can’t get a response. I’ve even heard of people who were told ( and agreed to) not have outside contact unless it’s an emergency. And even what constitutes an emergency. Does anyone see this as an unhealthy pattern or expectation? Does anyone agree that a therapist deserves time off when not in session?

Our family therapist encourages texting about appointments or a situation but has told all clients including me that if it’s a weekend she will not be checking messages until Monday. It’s still been helpful for her to be able to read a text and have a general idea about what’s going on with our family.
Personally I wouldn’t expect my therapist to be available like that or expect them to answer on a weekend. In my friends case she seems to think that her therapist is like her own personal one. She seems to have no empathy or respect that therapists need time and have other patients. In fact her therapist let her know she would be unavailable for the first three months while adjusting to the he new baby and she got so upset that she did text the therapist and was even more upset when she didn’t get an immediate response or any actually because it was Sunday. Her therapist even has a voicemail message for the weekends encouraging people in crisis to go to the emergency room and letting them know what time she will be available in the office. Is this common or healthy ? Can it be a problem ? Unhealthy? I don’t personally see the family therapist because my girls are the “official “ patients but I am trying to understand what’s normal or expected and what’s not

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Some people probably are and some are not. The second one I hired gave out her cell phone number and told clients to call anytime -but that she might not call back until the next day. I called a couple of times to see if it would help, and it did not, so I didn't do it anymore. I think therapists are like any other professional - a client can call or write and the professional will respond within a reasonable period of time. I never enjoyed talking to a therapist so calling or texting with them as a back and forth held no allure for me. Others are different. Therapists set the game up so that people get sucked in - I don't think anyone need worry about a therapist.

You say that you are asking because you are curious and not judging but the questions posed are to my mind inherently judgemental. Are these people too dependent? Isn't it unhealthy. This is putting judgment on people's feelings and experiences - they are too dependent and it is unhealthy.

I find it more useful to ask why is it so - why is the person feeling the way they do? What need does this dependence communicate? What has happened to this person that has brought them into this moment where they have so strongly and intensely attached to their therapist? I do not like to think about as "too" something or along the dimension of healthy-unhealthy - it is what it is and it is this way for a good reason.

I also think that managing the dependence is the job of the therapist. Learning to tolerate the attachment feelings can be a very important therapeutic work for some patients. It is the job of the therapist to set boundaries that are not humiliating and overly punishing to the patient and that at the same time encourage the autonomous functioning of the patient and tolerating the attachment feelings without immediate reassurance, even if it happens very slowly over a long time.

So, in principle, I do not think that people themselves can be too attached or too reliant on their therapists but I do think that some(/many?) therapists might not know of have enough character or skill of how to properly work with such dependent and attachment feelings in order to promote discovery of authentic self and true autonomy (as opposed to just pushing the patient away, such that the patient feels deeply invalidated) while at the same time allowing and accepting all these feelings (as opposed to encouraging these feelings for the sake of some narcissistic feelings or saviour complex of whatever).

Quote:

Originally Posted by feileacan You say that you are asking because you are curious and not judging but the questions posed are to my mind inherently judgemental. Are these people too dependent? Isn't it unhealthy. This is putting judgment on people's feelings and experiences - they are too dependent and it is unhealthy. I find it more useful to ask why is it so - why is the person feeling the way they do? What need does this dependence communicate? What has happened to this person that has brought them into this moment where they have so strongly and intensely attached to their therapist? I do not like to think about as "too" something or along the dimension of healthy-unhealthy - it is what it is and it is this way for a good reason. I also think that managing the dependence is the job of the therapist. Learning to tolerate the attachment feelings can be a very important therapeutic work for some patients. It is the job of the therapist to set boundaries that are not humiliating and overly punishing to the patient and that at the same time encourage the autonomous functioning of the patient and tolerating the attachment feelings without immediate reassurance, even if it happens very slowly over a long time. So, in principle, I do not think that people themselves can be too attached or too reliant on their therapists but I do think that some(/many?) therapists might not know of have enough character or skill of how to properly work with such dependent and attachment feelings in order to promote discovery of authentic self and true autonomy (as opposed to just pushing the patient away, such that the patient feels deeply invalidated) while at the same time allowing and accepting all these feelings (as opposed to encouraging these feelings for the sake of some narcissistic feelings or saviour complex of whatever).

I’m so sorry. I really don’t mean to sound that way. I was having a hard time finding the words. I guess it sounded judgemental because I’ve already had some input from our family therapist. Her opinion at least. Please accept my apologies. I don’t mean to invalidate or undermine someone’s feelings and experiences.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

No problem, it wasn't about my personal experiences, nor did I feel offended. It was just that I noticed the dissonance between your stated intentions and the used words. I totally believe that it is hard to find the words though that do not sound judgemental but I think it requires a mind shift - not thinking in terms of someone being too or not too dependent but rather thinking about what need this person has that they try to get met this way. And needs and feelings are ... well, they ever can't be too much or wrong or unhealthy - they just are and they are in some sense the truest truth.

I think every client and their therapeutic relationship ia unique so foe me to say what is healthy and not healthy is purely an opinion based on very limited facts.

As far as texting everyday day, all day and expecting an immediate response that is something that should be addressed by the therapist. There should be a discussion about what the therapist feels is appropriate and is acceptable to her as far as frequency and expectations of contact.

I have gone through difficult periods where I do contact my therapist quite a bit. She knows that when I do so there is a reason so she is understanding sometimes my reason is because I am on emotional overload and need to vent. On occasion I do feel hurt when she doesn't respond immediately BUT when we started out do session contact we discussed the boundaries as well as the fact that she can be really bad about reading her messages.

Too reliant/attached for what?Also, is it the strength of the attachment that matters, or the (in)security of it? All the attachment crayzness that comes to my mind is based on strong insecure attachment. Are there any examples of secure attachment getting out of hand?

Too attached for your T to have the skill and sensitivity to handle it - that seems happen a lot. Or, from the other side, too attached to feel safe / fully function in the relationship - yes, very possible. So dependent on your T that you stop (or never start) taking your own initiative - also happens. . And could probably go on for a while. But these are (nearly?) always a co-production between the therapist and the client.

Personal example: I got crazy attached to xT. I tried very hard not to, but due to her lack of cooperation and other circumstances, I fell into the exact sort of very painful and chaotic transference that I was trying to avoid by going very slowly and carefully. My attempts to somehow make the thing safer after the fact also failed. In terms of what I needed to get better, I think I was about as attached as needed to get, except it was to the wrong person, which made it too attached in the end. I'm far less attached to new T (she cooperates where xT didn't), which feels safer and I'm more functional,. BUT it somehow doesn't feel enough. Will see where things go from here.

I’m just wondering if people can become too attached or reliant on therapists for general well-being.
I think basically yes. Although it might be a necessary step for some people, but in that case it should be temporary and actively worked on. Like, those people you mention, who excessively try to contact their therapist? The therapist should address that and come up with a strategy to help the client cope better (although that might not always be possible), because if it's distressing to the therapist, it's a hunderd times more distressing to the client, to be in that state of dependency.

Hmm, I also recall reading articles about negative 'side effects' of therapy, which mentions this is a possibility, even without therapist mess-up (and therapists mess up more often than they like to admit) (could try to find the link again)

My worry in general has always been that I’ll have a relationship with a therapist and either experience transference or a sense of loss when expecting a therapist to be available at all times.

Haha that sounds faMILiar.

And there’s some scenarios where I’ve seen people nearly demand near constant contact to the point that they have a profound sense of loss when they can’t get a response. I’ve even heard of people who were told ( and agreed to) not have outside contact unless it’s an emergency. And even what constitutes an emergency. Does anyone see this as an unhealthy pattern or expectation? Does anyone agree that a therapist deserves time off when not in session?

I think it's 'unhealthy' in the sense that it likely comes from a place of serious psychological damage. However, since therapy is supposed to help with said damage, it'd be quite unreasonable to expect 'healthy' behaviour from these clients. Moreover, my therapists keep telling me that part of how therapy works is that the client's usual 'unhealthy' patterns/ways of interaction/etc are bound to emerge in the therapeutic relationship and so can be understood and worked on. If handled well, this stuff can be 'healthy' in the sense that it might be a step on the way to healing. It's the therapists' responsibility to keep their boundaries firm enough to not get overwhelmed and get the time off they need and deserve, but flexible enough to accommodate clients with extra needs. Some therapists provide transitional objects, or have other strategies to help with that.

I think what you write about your friend's therapist sounds pretty reasonable as far as maintaining boundaries goes.

I worry about this a lot, or mostly about if the feeling of attachment will stay this strong forever. I don’t contact my T a lot at all but I’m very attached to her.. when I tell her stuff I always wonder if she’s going to leave me, send me go someone else. She has told me several times that she thinks that maybe I need to learn to trust someone, and that the feelings of painful attachment (I don’t know how to explain it, English is not my first language) will fade when I do. She has told me that she won’t abandon me. Still I worry, like if I email her inbetween sessions, that maybe she’ll think that I’m to much for her to handle. Buy she knows a lot about attachment and the inner child and stuff like that so I hope that she’s right, that I will be able to leave her without to much pain when time comes.

I just wish that my inner child would understand that no matter what, my childhood has already happened. I can’t change the fact that my mum constantly acted as though I was a big inconvenience for her. My T can’t change that either. And I act so weird, sometimes I try to shut her out because it feels safer and sometimes I just want to never leave after a session, I miss her before the session even ends. It makes me feel like a child, and I hate it. But she says that she thinks that I have to accept it and stop fighting against it. I’m trying...

I’m so embarrased for this feelings of attachment but I guess that’s the reason I’m in therapy...

In a situation like you're describing, where a client wants constant contact and is upset if they don't get a reply etc.—IMO the problem there isn't that the client feels attached to the therapist but really the opposite, it's anxiety about the attachment. A person who has a secure attachment doesn't need to constantly ask "are you there are you there" and isn't devastated when an answer doesn't come right away, because they know the relationship is stable without that reassurance.

ETA I don't have much contact with my T outside of sessions myself, but I believe there are some kinds of therapy that include a lot of contact (I want to say DBT but I'm not sure). So different things work for different people.

I imagine that with a perfect (or even a "good-enough") upbringing a person would neither be too attached nor too detached, but be able to maintain healthy harmonious and appropriately boundaried attachments with a variety of different people who have different roles in their life.
I imagine when people have overly intense attachments with their therapists it is often (but not always, I suppose) because they were not able to develop a "good-enough" balance of attachment in their primary attachment relationships with their childhood caregivers.

Is it "ideal" to have an overly intense attachment to one's therapist? Not really. But when people have inadequate attachments in childhood an intense attachment can absolutely be triggered by the therapy relationship.

I see an intense attachment with the therapist as a necessary part of the journey for those folk, rather than the destination.

But I have the opposite problem, I am too avoidant and defended against attachment. It's equally not desirable, but likely much more tolerable for avoidant therapists, like my own.

For me, back when I saw my T for several years, he was the first therapist i literally obsessed about all day. I was so desperate for care, support and a father figure and he was all of those things and more.

I was very shy and didn’t talk much because I was so scared about what he would think, he was very relaxed with me contacting him between sessions if I felt I needed to, but said that he would t always be able to respond immediately. I accepted that, and at first didn’t contact him. But as the feelings grew strong, my emails and texts got more frequent. Eventually I couldn’t go a session without emailing him. They were always long, desperate emails , panicking that he wasn’t there, wouldn’t respond, would forget me etc etc.

It was so painful going through that- just absolute desperate for someone (him) to care and save me. He did care of course but could never give me what I thought he could. I would never change any of that though, because he showed me more love and support and care than I’ve ever had in my life. But yes I think it can be unhealthy if all your thoughts are centred around this person who can give you everything you need from them