Couch 230: Decent Communications

My daughter finally got a job. I'm glad it's nearby so I can conceivably get her to and from. It's not the work she wants or the wage she wants but it is better than zero. Good vibes welcome because she definitely needs them.

Have a good day couchies!

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Just for you EM:

Manatee Soft Toy, 28cm | ZSL Shop

Yay !

Super cute! You need manatees in the U.K. They are so gentle, playful, and fun to watch. I've petted one while swimming in a river in Florida before. They are disconcertingly large up close!

I'm sorry that he reacted that way. I'd be feeling similarly. Saying it was a Rorschach test isn't a very kind thing to say when getting a gift when you know there's meaning behind it. It's not like you gave him an Amazon gift card or a box of chocolates--you put time and thought and effort into it.

Might it be worthwhile to write a letter now and possibly give it to him?

And I agree with this. Maybe along with more info on how to handle transference from a client (and countertransference), T's need training on how to handle gifts from clients (not even just physical gifts, but thank-you cards and emails, etc.)

Mine has handled thank-you emails well. Once, I brought a small shell back from the beach to add to his little sand tray. It had meaning to me, that it was something I found and that would be sort of "living" in his office. But we didn't discuss that much--he just had to approve that it was "aesthetically pleasing," which it was.

I've thought before, particularly this past Christmas, of making something to give him. He's always encouraged me to do more painting, and I had some really little (like index-card-sized) canvases, so thought about painting him something on one of those or even just a piece of cardstock. But then I worried about his reaction. Would he critique the work? Would we discuss what I painted what I did (would he ask?) Just be like, "Oh, thank you!" and put it off to the side? Would he consider putting it someplace in his office? (I know some of the items he has are gifts from clients, as he's mentioned it)? If he didn't, would I feel hurt? Or what if he said he was hanging it up/putting it on his desk at home?

Then there was the complication that I wasn't seeing him in person so would have needed to mail or drop it off at his office, so he'd have likely opened it when he was by himself, so I wouldn't see his actual reaction. So I didn't end up doing anything, think I just sent something in an email.

Part of me wishes I had done it (maybe I will this year, if I practice painting a bit more). And NP, I really admire that you did, even though it feels bad now. I hope you can get to a place where you feel your T does genuinely appreciate and understand it, and that you'll feel good about your decision to give it to him.

I’ve had writer’s block this summer. In an attempt to fix it I joined a group who meets every Sunday morning over Zoom to write together—chat for a few minutes, write for 45, short break and chat about how ir’s going, write again for 45 minutes, end.

My first session with them is in 30 minutes. I’m hoping this helps.

I hope you find it useful, @@. Before things exploded in my life, I attended Writers' Hour a few times a week with the London Writers' Salon. They do 50 minute sessions, four times a day, in various time zones. There's little opportunity to chat, which I find helps with focus, although a couple of people usually get called upon at the end to talk about their projects. On Wednesday afternoons, they add on 15 minutes for a kind of social, where people get to talk in small groups in breakout rooms.

I'd like to get back to it, but I need some space to breathe at the moment.

Thing is, he's normally very good about transference, countertransference, talking about the relationship, so I'm not sure this gift snafu is about that. The Rorschach comment only came yesterday and I feel so awful that he felt that way about this. That was not my intention at all. I have been able to explain the meaning behind the gift a little better since the original gifting. He even suggested yesterday that I should have included a note explaining it. I was going to do that. I had even bought a nice blank card to use, but sometimes I find it really difficult to write, and this was one of those times. He even said something yesterday about he hadn't wanted to be presumptuous that the meaning behind the heart was that he'd played a part in helping to heal my broken heart (still a work in progress). I can't believe I've bungled this up so badly. I feel so stupid. This whole thing is just piling on to some recent relationship stuff with other people that makes me feel like I just don't know how to relate to people correctly.

LT, I'd be extra cautious about giving your T a gift. Knowing the way he is about things, it's likely to not go the way you'd expect it to. I wouldn't want you to get your feelings hurt.

(extra characters)

Thanks, Lost. At least it made me feel less frustrated and hopeless with myself as writer.

NP, I think there's a more positive way to look at the gift and its reception. That is, you took a risk. I don't think you would have done that even a year or two ago. And for all of us, to keep on mending our hearts, we need to take risks even if it means getting hurt again. But getting to that stage of being willing to take risks can be the real challenge. Some people will never get there, some will get there and then retreat again. Don't let these episodes scare you off building relationships with others.

I'm sorry he's being odd about it--but that probably has much more to do with his stuff than you or the gift itself. Remember, we're all ****ed up.

Thats what i thought it meant - that you felt your heart was now stronger in the broken places. Basically just a symbol of the kind of work we all do in t. Why would he say he didnt want to assume that? Maybe the couch should send him a ton of bricks? Am i confused?

No, you're not confused. Maybe I am though. I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying yesterday. That he didn't want to be presumptuous and assume that's what I meant by it. I thought that part seemed pretty obvious, and I guess he thought that's what it meant, but didn't want to say it out loud? I don't know anymore. This whole thing has left me feeling very confused and unsure of myself. This was supposed to be a good thing! Not something to cause strife.

I just realized Info updated her website and modernized it and added a bunch of forms. The wood nymph pictures are gone.

But guess what's still there? The form with the INFORMATINO typo that gave her her nickname.

Blooming brilliant, @@. I'm amused that she'd go to the bother of updating her website and yet overlook that.

If I had made such a typo, I would 100% keep it on my website. She sounds like a superhero! Informatino: wings of steel, forms of data!!

NP, I don't want to sound like a wanker (although it comes very easily to me), but isn't this the nature of therapy? Working through the misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Seeing things through another lense, realising your position is not the only position. I mean, obviously, the gift could have been accepted superficially and kindly. However, the broader meaning lies in ignoring the gracious response and looking at what happens for you, for him and between the two of you.

Oh my therapist has trained me well. She would love that response.

Nevermind, he is an ungrateful knob.

Yeah, I am currently trying to work through this not only here, but with him as well. I sent him a tearful email that hopefully didn't make things worse since I last posted here. We meet again Tuesday, so we'll see how that went. I don't think he's ungrateful, I just think I didn't think through all the complicated stuff that could have happened with this gift.

I've told her about it, when I told her her nickname.

Don't forget cleavage of marble.

Hugs if wanted, NP.