Couch 230: Decent Communications

Replace “CE” with pretty much any name and that’s the story of our whole relationship.

L fashion report (that's funny, because she's not really into 'fashion') Today she was back to wearing all black. The last few weeks she's been wearing a blue shirt and black pants, but today was all black again.

We had a great session (I always say that huh) spent about half of it talking about h's current liver issue and my worry and the unknown of it right now and how to deal with that. Then we spent the rest of the time working with 3 dreams that I'd brought in, I'd already worked with all of them I read her each dream then the work I'd already done, and we took that deeper. Then suddenly we were out of time (I hate how time disappears when I'm there) but she let me read last night's dream because it was short and I showed her the drawing I did this morning then I had to remind her she needed to get paid so I paid her then I left. I'll be on vacation next week (H and I are going to spend a few days up in Jerome, yay!) so I won't have a session again til 8/27.

I was running errands all morning - dr appt at 8:30, then to the vet t pick up insulin for diabetic cat, then back to the dr's office because I accidentally left my driver's license and insurance card there (oops!), then to the bank to deposit a check, then to the library, then to L's. Whew! Now that I'm back home I'm kicking back and getting ready to crochet some more. Should finish the current pair of slippers for BIL today.

And now, to the yarn!

One of the many mysteries of the NYT Spelling Bee is that “iliac” is a word...but “ilia,” from which we get “iliac,” is not.

Many of the words they do/don't allow make no sense. Also, I have determined that I just suck at the Spelling Bee, as it frustrates me more than anything. So I will just stick to the crosswords. The way my brain operates just does better with those (OK, today was a big struggle when i had to look a bunch of stuff up, but still...)

"I can't give you anything but love, baby."

You need two forms of ID to go to the doctor?!

I know that whole song from watching “Bringing Up Baby.”



I’d love to see you looking swell, baby,
but diamond bracelets Woolworth’s doesn’t sell, baby
Till that lucky day
You know darn well, baby
I can’t give you anything but love.



Too bad the next line isn’t “add that to your tattoo, baby.”

No, they just changed over to a new computer system and had to get stuff back on file or something. Usually they just verify that stuff hasn't changed.

Finished BIL's latest pair of slippers! He calls them "Karandals" which makes me laugh (a combination of my first name and sandals) even though of course they are not sandals. He's a lovable goofball. (ETA: Please to pardon h's leg in the background haha)

They're great, Artie! Nice job.

I think i know it from various singers on The Ed Sullivan Show. Now i have to google it.

I'll definitely have a serious talk if any of the recruiters don't listen to me about jobs that are maximum 20 hours a week. They earn for a successful match and I'll refuse anything that doesn't fit my criteria.

One recruiter kind of pissed me off. It's normal in my country for them to ask about my resume gap. I usually say "health issues". They can also ask what health issues but I really dislike that. Well I would usually say "burnout" along with a brief explanation of my department being under-staffed. This time, I said depression because despite the stigma in my county, it's more accurate.

And she said I'm burned out and not depressed due to how my voice sounds. Pissed me off. She's obviously not a mental health professional, so "diagnosing" me based on my voice in our very first phone call is rude and presumptuous.

And it's my body and brain - I know myself better than her, obviously. And major depression significantly impacts many people's level of functioning.

And of course, I'm reminded of my former psychiatrist who felt I don't look or sound depressed even though I struggled with SH and chronic passive SI, plus reported most MDD symptoms except for Psychomotor agitation or retardation.

Ugh, that's ridiculous she could diagnose you over the phone like that. I wonder if it would be better to go with "burnout" though, if it would have less stigma? I hope the other recruiters are better and that you can find something soon.

Seems like "health issues" should be a complete answer. Why do they need to know the specifics?

QM - yeah, im still getting over burnout 20 years later. Last night in my dreams i was presented with some programming problem AND solved it. I woke up wondering who i had to call about it.

I think the insidious thing about computers is, that to be good at it, you have to be able to replace YOUR pattern of thinking, your logic, with that of the OP. That is easy for some of us, the way we were raised, because our parents did that to us. Theres a psych term for it, something like infiltrate, but thats not it.

Interject! Having a parental interject. Hearing their voice AS your own. Which eventually becomes an evil interject into your persona. I need to reread about this, now that ive moved past it somewhat.

P.s. i wonder if you are about equally right and left brained, as i am.

"I was with the Maoists in Nepal."

We had a big storm here this afternoon, I had gone to the pharmacy re: the continuing saga of trying to get medicare to cover h's test strips (long, ridiculous story I won't bore you with). It was not raining when I left. But when I came out of the pharmacy it was into a torrential downpour and the roads were already starting to flood, the street leading into my subdivision was covered with water, I drove through it slowly with water flying up all around my car. It was fun. Thankfully there are no washes between my house and the pharmacy, so I didn't have to worry about encountering any deep/rushing water! The rain has stopped now.

True, I'm thinking of going back to saying "burnout". I think my anxiety comes from the fact that I only officially quit my job in March this year, but had been on unpaid leave from early 2019. But then part time jobs usually don't care too much, and some are advertised to semi retirees or single parents or stay at home spouses.

I know right? It's really annoying that interviewers will also ask that. Sadly people with physical disabilities here really struggle to get and maintain work, while mental health often isn't "valid". So I'll say burnout due to chronic understaffing and maybe along with "caregiver burnout" - which is all technically true.

Caregiving being my younger brother having depression and family issues from my parents, including my mum having parkinsons. But I don't live with them anymore. So I'm not sure.

Those recruiters can get pushy but I have been very firm that I want the details of each potential match in text (WhatsApp or email) so I can think things over instead of "yes, send them my resume."

I am probably equally right and left brained. Since IT (computers and software) requires analytical skills as well as like you and my friend say, "people skills". Having empathy and being able to take their perspective and see their "logic" even if it's not logical, being able to calm someone who is frustrated and even verbally abusive and throwing stuff on the floor in a temper tantrum.

Yeah, stuff our parents did to us! I definitely have parental introjects which I struggle with. I think I'm lazy, useless, worthless, and am harsh to myself. It's been really tough to tackle that in therapy too, and since I've DID, I'm wondering if I actually do have alters who are parental introjects.

There's a Swedish medical code in their version of the ICD 10, called "exhaustion disorder." It was really quite validating to me, maybe it might be for you too? It's considered a stress Induced illness but it counts all forms of chronic stress, not just work related stress.

Among the criteria is mental fatigue with cognitive impairments, physical fatigue, depression and anxiety symptoms. It's considered more impairing than burnout because the symptoms are much more impairing and wider range.

And it's seen as "you need help and time to recover", not "you handle stress badly, that's why you burned out." In a 2020 study, they also found that even after treatment, one third still meet criteria 3 to 12 years on. Where they no longer meet criteria, a good number still have residual cognitive impairment and are more prone to fatigue and number of years on.

Which is rather dismal but also important that they're not considered lazy or "not working to get well".

I have to keep telling this Asperger's friend to stop bugging me about what I "should" be doing with my time and low energy. What he feels I "should" work on in my therapy etc.

I've more than double his work experience, I'm not new to working. And my priorities in my therapy is none of his business. Although I'm working to build cooperation between alters because that would definitely improve my symptoms and functioning over time.

For some reason, he's gotten very interested in me and part of that involves him asking me invasive questions as though he feels he has a right to know. Even questions on my kissing experiences. Each time I tell him directly that's private, too personal, invasive, sounds like he feels entitled to know and that people have different comfort levels. But he'll do it again with another thing. After each boundary, he says self blaming things and I feel pulled to soothe his hurt feelings.

And of course I've baggage from my upbringing and culture. Mum being horribly invasive and interrogating me on my sex life (wouldn't respect "I'm an adult and this is none of your business"), parents deep searching my room and getting mad I had lacy underwear, perpetrator brother believing he gets to dictate my life choices. And of course setting boundaries being met with guilt trips or "I'll die from stress" / "I'll kill myself."

My fiancé is familiar with autism spectrum and told me that why he keeps asking is because he's fixated and will forget the boundaries...? Whatever the reason, I'm rapidly distancing myself.

Definitely rich material for my therapy lol!

Hahaha. That made me chuckle, thank you.