[Ambra]

Hello, I have not posted for a long time - although I read and now back in therapy wanted to ask for advice..
I started therapy for ED and childhood abuse. I had a nice young T who helped me recover from my ED. Overall she was a great T. For the abuse she then referred me to an older, more experienced therapist for EMDR, which she was still in training for. We did just fine but facing unexpected parenthood, after my baby’s birth I dropped therapy temporarily. Then I found a good job and covid spread. Meanwhile an accident, grief and my childhood issues I had no time to work on made me want to go back, so I contacted T2.
T1 is now a licensed EMDR therapist, but back in time she referred me to T2. so I went for T2. I never thought about starting all over with a new therapist because things went in a good way with the reminder that they would always be there for me when I’d be ready to go back.
Now here is my weird problem. T2 is a well known, confident and experienced T and I tend to look up to this kind of women. I HATE my job and have a clear idea of the career I wanted. I thought I’d be fine leaving everything aside for my baby but I’m not. I feel a mix of admiration for T2 and frustration thinking how wealthy and satisfied with her successful career she must be (which I know is not easy at all actually) while I’m stuck here struggling to get a bigger house for my family plus now dealing with chronic pain from the accident and angry at the world.
Sometimes I imagine her handing the money I earn to her rich kids for fun. I have been fighting this feeling because I know it’s not fair. it all came up recently, after being apart for 2 years and I don’t want this to turn into resentment towards someone who genuinely cares about me.
Maybe I should explore my feelings with her - I imagine what is behind may be a horrible boss and work environment, opening up about my weaknesses, the stress of parenting and fear of not being a good mother. But I am afraid to do that.. I feel so vulnerable now.
I cannot leave the job: it pays everything + therapy which is something that here 99% of the people pay out of pocket.
I fear this feeling will undermine the work we do and the relationship. After all, aren’t therapists there to support us when we are not at our best? What’s wrong with me?
Any suggestion is welcome… thank you if you made up to here!

[Quietmind 2]

If you can, I'd encourage you to talk about it.

I've expressed envy about my therapist to my therapist as we're really close in age, she's experienced and highly sought after, she's earned a PhD, has a loving family, loves her job and has really supportive colleagues.

Everything I'd like to have but don't. She wasn't hurt or offended, she recognised I don't want her to not have those wonderful things, and it's my shame talking. So it's rich material for therapy.

[wheeler]

I always thought my T had the perfect life. Successful career, loving family, wonderful husband, we’ll off…etc. and then 6 months ago she divorced her husband (it was her second divorce). Amongst other feelings it made me realize her life was far from perfect. Although she was my individual T, my wife and I saw her for couples on occasion. But now that she’s twice divorced I question her abilities. But I think for me it gave me a more balanced view of her. We all struggle with things, including our T’s.

[LonesomeTonight]

I had this feeling at times about ex-T. Once, after we'd been working together for a few years, I said something about how it seemed like she was so pulled-together all the time. She laughed and said how she'd have to tell her husband I'd said that, he'd think it was funny, because she certainly isn't. That helped a little, and I wish I'd brought it up sooner.

So I suggest mentioning it to your T. Keep in mind that someone may *seem* to have their life fully together from the outside, but it might not be that way in reality. (It's like how people tend to just post the happy photos on Facebook or Instagram or whatever.) Maybe she struggles with self-doubt in her job. Maybe she doesn't have the best relationship with her kids. Maybe she's not as wealthy as she seems--she might have a lot of expenses, for example. Don't go by how much she makes an hour--if she's in private practice, there are many other expenses she has to pay--taxes being a major one, plus things like insurance, rent or mortgage on an office space, continuing education, insurance, etc. (I've had a similar discussion with my current T before--I work in freelance in another field, and his hourly rate is...quite a bit higher than mine. But he also sees many clients at a reduced rate, doesn't always have a full slate of clients--well, he does with the pandemic, but before he didn't).

[Lostislost]

I have this thing about comparing myself to other people as well. Like when I have talked about wanting to go to uni (I applied, got rejected and then my life circumstances changed so I could no longer afford to apply in the years after)..my T has said how he travelled back and forth with a long commute to his uni, working long hours in a ****** job to afford it etc etc. But it doesn’t sound like he has any responsibilities then really, except for himself.

Now I having a baby and due Friday, if I talk about going to uni I can guarantee he will say people do it at the same time as raising kids having a job and stuff….but I just feel jealous of those people because they must clearly have a lot of help, at least for childcare! Like most of us I have been struggling with money especially through the last 18 months. So when he goes on holiday and rents cute little cottages and stuff, it does sting that he has enough money to do that and I can barely put petrol on my car.

But at the same time, I know no one has a perfect life…if I got to look closely at my Ts life, I’m sure I would see a lot of guilt from hurt he has caused people, marital issues, weight struggles and other things that I can’t even guess at. No one has it together, we just wouldn’t be human if we did. I understand what a horrible feeling it is to compare ourselves to others though.

[nottrustin]

I really unserstand your feelings. I on occasion become envious of Ts job and life experiences. She has traveled a lot, done missionary work and appears to have a great marriage and great career. Over time I realized that she had her heart broken many times before meeting her husband so married later ans hat her one child at almoat 40 years old. I was a stay at he mom so could not afford the amazing vacations she has gone on. Somerimes she is envious of mt being a stay at home mom.

[Ambra]

Thank you all for the replies..
You really comforted me, I was starting to think I’m really evil but now I see it is a rather common thing.
I might try to talk to her about this (rephrasing with nicer words….) hoping she will be understanding and use it foe therapy. once she did a nice thing: I told her how difficult life is with my spine and chronic pain imagining she so healthy and never having gone through something like that and she told me she can relate as she had the exact same issue back in time and had to stay in bed for months (like I did before standing up) and it wasn’t a great time… but then it slowly went better. I felt stupid for complaining at first but then also not so alone.
We are having a two months break because of her holidays and then mine and I’m taking this time to explore my feelings. Maybe all the help and knowing *all* my issues and struggles so well is now making me feel vulnerable.