Tough love style, not for me

I had a weird moment in therapy and I’m realizing based on my last couple of posts that this is not the first weird moment I’ve had with this therapist.

I’ll start by saying I HATE conflict and I have no idea how to bring up these issues because I don’t want to hurt my therapist’s feelings in any way.

Basically the session felt a little off from the beginning which is okay, I know everyone has good and bad days. I was explaining my situation about how I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to get work done (at a new job) that I need to do and feeling behind and like I’m self sabotaging. She responded by saying “do you think you’re going to be good at everything right away?” and I honestly can’t remember what else was said but I generally felt like she was saying I was entitled and just want everything to fall into my lap without doing any work. She said at one point “I know this isn’t how you want life to be but you have to try in order to succeed”. I guess what I wanted was someone to tell me that the little I was doing was enough and to help me feel better about what I had accomplished. I’m not saying that’s the only response that would have made me feel okay though. I know there was some truth in what she said but the approach just felt very “tough love” which I know I don’t respond to AT ALL. Quite the opposite.

The hard part is that I think this is her natural therapeutic approach and I’m afraid that if I say I don’t like it, she’ll either be unable to change or change but hate our sessions from now on because she can’t be herself. This is just one of the many tough love examples but I’ve ignored them because I really like this therapist. I feel really connected and felt like I could share a lot that I couldn’t share with others. But now I’m wondering if our therapeutic relationship is just coming to an end, that it served it’s purpose and now it’s time to find someone gentler to work through the really hard stuff with. I mean, this was a lighter session but if I got a tough love response to my deeper trauma, it would just be so upsetting.

It's worthwhile mentioning to her what you're feeling. My therapist's general style is more like how you describe yours, where he gives what he calls "feedback," which can sometimes feel like tough love. It's led to some conflicts in the past, especially when I've felt he's being critical of me.

However, I've talked to him about it at various points. Sometimes saying after the fact that something he said in the previous session upset me. And other times, I've let him know at the start of a session that what I need that particular day is support rather than pushing. And it's generally been effective. He also recently told me that he's learned to be more gentle with me than with most other clients because he realizes certain approaches sort of backfire on me. And I've definitely noticed that shift, particularly since the pandemic started.

So I think it's definitely worth bringing up to your therapist. Even if this is her general style, she should be able and willing to adapt her style somewhat to meet your needs. If you're worried about talking about trauma with her, I'd ask how she tends to handle that with clients. Let her know your concerns, that you can't deal with tough lough if you want to talk about trauma. That you need to feel more safe and supported (or however you'd want to word it).

If you think you'd have trouble saying that to her, then you could type or write it up, then either hand it to her in session (if you're meeting in person) or email it to her either before session or right at the start of session for her to read (depending on her email rules). If you feel you have a good relationship with her in general, then I think it's worth at least trying to talk to her about this. If she's unwilling or able to change, then you could start looking for someone else.

Adding one other thing: I don't read her comment of "do you think you’re going to be good at everything right away?”as suggesting that she thinks you're entitled. Of course, I don't know what her tone was. But reading it here, I would interpret it as her saying you're being too hard on yourself. That no one immediately knows how to do everything in a new job. And your employer wouldn't expect that of you.

This is an example of something you could bring up with her. Tell her it bothered you and what sort of support you wanted instead. Give her a chance to explain what she meant by that or other comments. I know sometimes I've read what my T has said in a certain way, then when I mentioned to him that it bothered me, it turned out he'd intended something different with his comment. So it could be she thought she was being supportive, but you read it in a different way because of how you're already feeling about the topic.

Please know that I'm not saying this to be critical--it's something that I do as well, and it can be easy for me to get hung up on a particular comment my T (and other people in my life) has made without looking at the totality of what he was saying--like seeing a tree instead of the forest. And it's helped me to learn to clarify with someone what they meant rather than assuming it was meant as a criticism.

I also did not read your T's comment with the interpretation you're giving to it.

It seems your T met you at a rational level whereas you wanted her to meet you on an emotional plane.

i would also advise you to bring it up with her. LT's suggestions are pretty spot on actually.

Please bring your concern to your therapist. In my experience tough love just causes people to feel ashamed and fearful of disclosing. You probably don't want to get so intent on pleasing your therapist that you hold back. Remember, you're in therapy for yourself, not for her.

I agree with BethRags - my mum is the more “tough love” type and it’s caused me to withdraw over the years, because like you I find it really unhelpful.

Hi, thanks for the response. I debated writing what she said here because I know it doesn’t sound critical. It wasn’t what she said it was the tone and the fact that I felt that her assessment didn’t accurately portray what I was going through. But unfortunately now, I can’t remember any of the specific things she said that were inaccurate to how I was feeling. I just remember the feeling of “no, I don’t think that/I don’t want to be a person who thinks that way”.

It's not for me either. I used to be better at taking it than I am now, but I'm starting to realise that it never really worked, even when I thought it did. For a long while I was convinced that it's the best thing ever, and if I can't handle it then I just need to get stronger and better, and it's the way to real growth, and all that ********. I still am fine with it in an educational/mentorship situation, to a reasonable degree. But not in personal matters. What's the point of 'love' if it's just yet another thing to cope with?

I think, especially if you're considering ending the relationship anyway, you might as well try to tell all this to your T. If she can and is willing to accommodate your needs better, that's great. If she can't or is dismissive, then you know where you stand with her. Between those two extremes, things can get messy, but even so I think having tried is still more likely to help you move to a better place than just unilaterally deciding to quit. Also, these fears you have might be a good thing to explore with her.