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Wishes
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 11:17 PM
  #1
How would you feel if a personal issue unexpectedly took your T out of office for a period of time and resulted in you having your sessions cancelled? Would you be upset, feel abandoned even though you know your T didn’t plan for this absence to happen? Do you feel it would affect your therapy relationship? Is it fair to feel upset or let down? What do you think the T’s duty of care to their clients should be in a situation like this?
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 06:02 PM
  #2
I had that happen with each of my therapists at one point or another. I don't think it is a matter of it be "unfair" to feel upset or let down; that seems to be a very common reaction.

My therapists always made sure I had a back-up person/plan while they were gone. I never contacted my therapists while they were away. I either had another therapist or a pdoc I could contact if needed. But honestly, I was usually fine.

In the cases where it was an unplanned emergency, I completely understood their need to be away, but again, don't beat yourself up if you are feeling upset about it - that is pretty usual. I think because I have a large family and have dealt with many health emergencies myself, it didn't bother me too much. Been there myself, and mostly I just feel bad for anyone having to deal with sudden family emergencies; it's stressful.
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 06:37 PM
  #3
It depends how long it was for. If it was more than a few weeks I think I couldn't stay connected to him in a way that would work for me.

Even when we have planned holidays and stuff I can feel myself drifting off, wondering what it's all for. Some kind of abandonment...confirmation of how much I don't mean to him. I think it's fair if you feel upset no matter what the reason. When this ends I'm not looking for another therapist, I don't think there's any point.
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 09:00 PM
  #4
I am lucky that the most my T has missed is two weeks for a medical issue with her family. I was disappointed, but I realize it was necessary. I wouldn't want to talk to my T while she was going through something serious.
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 01:57 AM
  #5
My T has just done this. Ended abruptly. Sessions cancelled and no idea if they will ever start again. If I am lucky I may get a couple of ending sessions in a few months time. I feel upset and abandoned. I feel angry. I feel devastated. I feel heartbroken. I also rationally understand that she has things going on that need her attention and that must be so big that she cannot continue to effectively conduct therapy with her clients. I feel sad for her that this has happened too, and can realise that it is largely beyond her control. She is human and suffers from all the same outside effects, and largely the internal struggles, that I do, so I can try to understand and be patient. But it is hard when you don't know the full story. It is hard when you are in the middle of things. It is hard when you have only recently learnt to start trusting people. It is hard when you don't have a full support network in place and it is hard when you don't have a back up plan.

I have asked my T several times over the years for a back up plan, for what we would do if this happened, but we have never made one. The discussion has always been steered away from it I think.

Complicated by the fact that T has some of my things that we used in session. I took my blanket, but she has a book, she has a canvas I made, she has lots of years of paperwork and 'art', she has a set of dreamcatchers we started to make. I want them back, if we are not continuing, but it feels awkward to ask.

Would it affect the therapy relationship? 100%. Yes. Even if we did start to work again it would take time build up the trust, and I would have to hope that it hadn't been too big a thing for me to forgive. I feel very let down by the fact that there was no back up plan. I feel very let down by the fact that it happened literally in the middle of our session, and that I wasn't given enough time to process this with her. But I am trying to hold on to all of the amazing work that we did. I am trying to hold on to everything that she has been over the last 5 years. Strong, reliable, dependable, warm, kind, helpful, caring, fully dedicated to our work.

Is it fair to feel all these things? Good question. My T helped me to learn that feelings aren't right or wrong, fair or unfair. They just are, and the probably stem from places we don't even fully understand. All we can really do is roll with them, and with the current situation too, and see where they take us, learning to manage them as best we can, opening up about them and maybe even learning from them.
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 03:32 AM
  #6
So your therapist is basically stopping all therapy with all her clients and it’s going to happen when?

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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 04:34 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishes View Post
How would you feel if a personal issue unexpectedly took your T out of office for a period of time and resulted in you having your sessions cancelled? Would you be upset, feel abandoned even though you know your T didn’t plan for this absence to happen? Do you feel it would affect your therapy relationship? Is it fair to feel upset or let down? What do you think the T’s duty of care to their clients should be in a situation like this?
This has happened to me twice. Both times were completely out of my T's control but ended up with me having several weeks out of therapy. I didn't so much feel abandoned because I knew nothing that happened was within T's control (I could rationalise that well by then), but I did feel massively upset, both due to not seeing her and what was going on for her to have to cancel the therapy. T kept in touch throughout which helped a lot even though I had no idea when therapy would resume. It did after some weeks in both cases and it didn't affect our relationship at all apart from leave me with more excessive anxiety for a long time.

I don't see feelings as being right or wrong, fair or unfair, they just ARE and they act as messengers for what is going on for you. If you feel abandoned that's probably natural based on past experiences or expectations. It's okay to feel whatever you feel and a good T will know that too.

As far as duty of care goes, that is a hard one. I do feel that my T could have been more forthcoming here, but then considering what was going on for her, I can totally see why she wasn't. A T should, in theory, explain that they are going to have to take time off and advise you to seek additional or alternative support in the meantime or even recommend a back up T. They should give you a point of contact if they are unable to be in contact with you themselves. They shouldn't just leave you without anything because a therapist needs to avoid additional harm to a client where at all possible. Life happens, a therapist needs to take time out sometimes, but they should at least take steps to keep the client informed and advise on seeking other help if needed.
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 09:51 AM
  #8
My therapist tends to get sick fairly often because she has trouble with her lungs. Every time she's been sick it's a last minute cancellation. Over 2 1/2 years she's been out sick for weeks at a time. Even though I know she really is too sick to work, her absence has had a negative effect on my therapy. I don't feel abandoned really, I just feel like I can't trust that she'll be there. So when it comes the day for a session I expect a phone call telling me she's out of the office for the week (or more). So yes, my connection to my therapist is shaky, due to her fairly frequent absences.

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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 10:05 AM
  #9
I feel a little like I’m waiting around for something when my T is on break, and do feel disappointed if she has to cancel last minute but it’s rarely happened and she does try to make up for it if she can. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, you’re entitled to have them, because it’s what you do that counts. Some feelings are better not acted upon (generally speaking).
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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 01:08 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishes View Post
Would you be upset, feel abandoned even though you know your T didn’t plan for this absence to happen? Do you feel it would affect your therapy relationship?
Yes

Quote:
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Is it fair to feel upset or let down?
You feel what you feel. Fairness doesn't apply.

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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 01:59 AM
  #11
Had that happen twice so far, but it was only one session we missed each time. I was upset and feel that's an okay reaction to have. Maybe it affected the relationship a bit, but we talked about it each time afterwards. Since this can always happen, also with other people, I feel like it was good practice and not too bad, looking back. In the moment, I had a hard time regulating my emotions though.
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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 05:26 AM
  #12
What state do you live in

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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 05:29 AM
  #13
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My T has just done this. Ended abruptly. Sessions cancelled and no idea if they will ever start again. If I am lucky I may get a couple of ending sessions in a few months time. I feel upset and abandoned. I feel angry. I feel devastated. I feel heartbroken. I also rationally understand that she has things going on that need her attention and that must be so big that she cannot continue to effectively conduct therapy with her clients. I feel sad for her that this has happened too, and can realise that it is largely beyond her control. She is human and suffers from all the same outside effects, and largely the internal struggles, that I do, so I can try to understand and be patient. But it is hard when you don't know the full story. It is hard when you are in the middle of things. It is hard when you have only recently learnt to start trusting people. It is hard when you don't have a full support network in place and it is hard when you don't have a back up plan.

I have asked my T several times over the years for a back up plan, for what we would do if this happened, but we have never made one. The discussion has always been steered away from it I think.

Complicated by the fact that T has some of my things that we used in session. I took my blanket, but she has a book, she has a canvas I made, she has lots of years of paperwork and 'art', she has a set of dreamcatchers we started to make. I want them back, if we are not continuing, but it feels awkward to ask.

Would it affect the therapy relationship? 100%. Yes. Even if we did start to work again it would take time build up the trust, and I would have to hope that it hadn't been too big a thing for me to forgive. I feel very let down by the fact that there was no back up plan. I feel very let down by the fact that it happened literally in the middle of our session, and that I wasn't given enough time to process this with her. But I am trying to hold on to all of the amazing work that we did. I am trying to hold on to everything that she has been over the last 5 years. Strong, reliable, dependable, warm, kind, helpful, caring, fully dedicated to our work.

Is it fair to feel all these things? Good question. My T helped me to learn that feelings aren't right or wrong, fair or unfair. They just are, and the probably stem from places we don't even fully understand. All we can really do is roll with them, and with the current situation too, and see where they take us, learning to manage them as best we can, opening up about them and maybe even learning from them.

Hey @Waterbear I have more thoughts about this but I want to wait until I get on my laptop. We are currently vacationing in the outer banks. But in the meantime you need to take care of your own mental health. Make a list and call every name. Make multiple appointments and take the soonest and cancel the rest. Call your insurance and confirm what your benefits cover.

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Wink Jul 27, 2021 at 07:42 AM
  #14
Hey Sarah,

Thank you for the advice but I am not sure that just taking the soonest appointment I can is necessarily what is best for me. I have to find the right person to do this work with. And I am struggling to find someone.

So far I have contacted 17 counsellors and only 1 had any availability in the next week, two have availability end of August and the rest are eithernot taking on clients or haven't got back to me. And the one that has a session available doesn't work in a way that would work for me for this phase of the work. She might be ok to see to tide me over, as they say, but not long term.

Just got to hope one of the others gets back to me, though I do have my T from 6 years ago trying to find someone for me too... Be interesting to see if she has any joy....

Oh, and I don't have insurance, all paid for by myself.
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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 09:24 AM
  #15
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Originally Posted by Wishes View Post
How would you feel if a personal issue unexpectedly took your T out of office for a period of time and resulted in you having your sessions cancelled? Would you be upset, feel abandoned even though you know your T didn’t plan for this absence to happen? Do you feel it would affect your therapy relationship? Is it fair to feel upset or let down? What do you think the T’s duty of care to their clients should be in a situation like this?

This happened to me three times: when my T's father was ill and died, when my T's mother was ill and died, and when my T's partner died suddenly. I felt abandoned, afraid, lonely, anxious, and depressed. I felt bad for her, and I couldn't help her. When she returned from one of these absences, she told the group I was in at the time (while also doing individual therapy with her) what had happened, in specifics, to her mother. I was not there that week, and I was kind of annoyed, but for no reason. I had thought that she wouldn't share with me what she had shared the previous week. But I was wrong to be annoyed; she did tell me at the next group meeting.

About three years ago, T developed bladder cancer. She really couldn't answer any of my questions, because it was all new to her, too! After complicated surgery, she developed an infection and so was unable to text with me for a longer period of time than she had anticipated. It was a real mess, with me apologizing and her admitting she could have told me in a nicer way that she was still very sick. I guess she was annoyed because she felt I was nagging, while all the time I was just freaking out about her health and she couldn't reassure me because SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

Fortunately she recovered and although she was out longer than expected, we worked out the issues.

Today she is leaving for a 2 week vacation. In 2.5 weeks, I am retiring from a job I've held since 1985. The week she comes back is not "my week" (I see her every two weeks.), but since this retirement came after me being gaslighted by my bosses, she urged me to text her the week she comes back, in case I'm not doing well; she will try to fit me in some where.

After I get through the anxiety of her vacation, we will turn to me grieving the end of my career, and the beginning of a new one (I am opening my own business.), and, as far as I know, those will be the big issues until it comes time for HER to retire. We are going to do EMDR (again) for some of my issues, and I will keep seeing her every two weeks.

Whenever she's taken vacation, she always tells me who is covering for her; I only have had to call the covering person twice in all the time we've worked together. T has always been available to me during significant periods of grief in my life, and I just have to hope nothing major happens during this vacation.

How else do I deal with it? I write: poems, letters, etc., and I look at all the good things in my life, and each day I get through, is one day closer to her returning home. I also come here for support, talk to friends online and off, do some anti-anxiety exercises, and try to get enough good sleep.

I understand how hard this can be. Make sure you eat nutritiously, hydrate, and get enough sleep. Good luck.

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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 10:04 AM
  #16
I would be upset at the cancelled session(s), yet understand that crap happens & that other people (Ts included) can have 'emergencies'.

I am not going to hold it against T. I would extend them the understanding I would hope to receive if the shoe were on the other foot. It does not mean not bringing up any upset that may have been experienced at the missed session but, again, I would not be resentful or angry at them about it.

Depending on how long they are unavailable, you could ask them if there is anyone else to cover for them. It might not be easily or quickly put into place depending on what T has on their plate (e.g. not able to check or return client massages), their client load, the willingness and/or availability of a suitable 'replacement' and so on.
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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 01:21 PM
  #17
I ended things abruptly with one of my T’s in December 2018 for safety reasons. I couldn’t get into see my next one until April 2019. I was ok going without therapy for that long but that was 2.5 years ago. Now I’d probably be annoyed if it happened.

It kinda did happen a month ago when my old therapist didn’t help me out with finding a new therapist despite saying she would. She just left me hanging. So there were about 3 weeks where I was in between therapists and it sucked.

When I did in person sessions from April 2019-March 2020 I’d be cancelled on pretty regularly and very rarely rescheduled for later in the week. My sessions were always on a Monday and it’s not very good to cancel the day after the weekend. At least I alway tried avoiding doing it when I worked.

I apologized for cancelling a session one time when I was sick with a UTI and she said “who cares. I cancel all the time.”

Yeah not sure why she thought that was necessary to say.

My current one is working with me until I can get into see the new one and they are talking with each other to make this as smooth a transfer as possible for me.

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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 03:40 PM
  #18
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Hey Sarah,

Thank you for the advice but I am not sure that just taking the soonest appointment I can is necessarily what is best for me. I have to find the right person to do this work with. And I am struggling to find someone.

So far I have contacted 17 counsellors and only 1 had any availability in the next week, two have availability end of August and the rest are eithernot taking on clients or haven't got back to me. And the one that has a session available doesn't work in a way that would work for me for this phase of the work. She might be ok to see to tide me over, as they say, but not long term.

Just got to hope one of the others gets back to me, though I do have my T from 6 years ago trying to find someone for me too... Be interesting to see if she has any joy....

Oh, and I don't have insurance, all paid for by myself.

I was just going to look through my files And Resources. I always assume everyone I look up stuff for is uninsured. This way I’m getting real information

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