How do you move forward from a violation of confidentiality?

Hugs if wanted, SP. I feel you might need to talk about all your feelings to L, like you're already doing, for as long as you need. I'm glad she is offering you extra support and trying to own up to her major mistake.

That contract on who she may contact about what etc that you're already working on with L is good.

I'm not judging L or you, and I definitely hope you can process everything and come to a conclusion in your heart that brings you peace.

If that had happened to me or many other clients of my T, any such client (facing violence, coercive control) might have literally been prevented from leaving the household to seeT for therapy. What if say... my abusive parents coerced me into giving T's email etc to them? I did have to talk with T on what she would do if my abusive brother or parents followed me to the clinic, as I've been followed before. She told me how she would ensure my confidentiality.

I gave my pdoc and T permission to talk to each other but I'd expect them to inform me they wanted to, as well as the content.

Just want to validate that it's best for both parties in the dyad to be very clear about third party contact.

L has been really good with me through this. She's not being defensive or trying to put any responsibility on me. She owns what she did and has apologized for it multiple times.

I do want her to make it up to me. And I want here to feel what I feel. But I don't think either of those are realistic. How do you make-up for something like this? And how can you feel, truly feel, what another person is feeling? She is stepping up the support and is letting me vent to her all I want. She's accepting my anger and other feelings. She's taking this very seriously. I don't know what more I can ask of her. She's already doing everything I've asked for. I wish she could fulfill some of my fantasies, but that's another thing that's not realistic.

Where are *you* in all of this, Scarlet? You are organising yourself around her and her responses to you, but what are you missing when you cast yourself as the wronged one? Whilst it was her responsibility to uphold boundaries around contact with family (she failed), you participated in the breach. From your descriptions here, I think you baited the contact. And I think that is ok because you were seeking to have a need met.

It seems like you want people here to only say how awful it is, to offer support and suggestions, and to gloss over the uncomfortable reality of your role. I don't think anyone here has been analysing or being mean. People have asked questions and highlighted confusions - all with the aim of helping you to understand the situation better for yourself. I don't think you do yourself any favours by reinforcing your role as the betrayed one and your therapist's role as the penitent. As you say, what you want is impossible - she can't feel what you feel - and there are not enough sorrys for her to say which will appease your hurt (maybe because the hurt is displaced and, at its core, is not truly about the confidentiality breach). If you can tolerate the whole range of your feelings, and not just those which crave renewed intimacy and heartfelt apology from her, you might see something new about yourself.

None of this is said with malice and I am posting in good faith, although I suspect you won't like it. I know that when I began to look at the really unwelcome parts of myself, I made some progress. To move on from ruptures now, I ask what was I doing in the fracture. I try to do so without blame (for myself or her), but to acknowledge that I have agency and I contribute - with the hope that I can move things for myself.

I don't understand what you want from me. To say my role (which I said that's not what this thread is about)? My role is that I gave my dad L's number. I wasn't "baiting" her (btw, that's mean imo). I truly thought my sister was just going to leave a message for L and that's it. The core is that it's a violation of confidentiality. Do you not think L and I have been analyzing it? You think I'm putting 100% of the blame on her? It's not a blame game. It's admitting to our roles. Just because I'm not posting about my role, doesn't mean that I don't own up to it. L and I call it the dance. And we talk about it. I would prefer if I made the mistake, that my role was bigger, that I take responsibility for this rupture. It's easier and more comfortable for me because I'm used to it. The things I want are fantasies. And that's okay. At least I can identify it as such and not have unrealistic expectations. Which is why I posted: to find realistic ways to cope. As far as an unmet need: sure I have unmet needs. Who doesn't? Another person cannot meet all your needs. I'm not in denial about that. I had no expectations on L. She could of had many options: not listen to my sister's request, send me the card, give the card to me. I didn't even know that this whole thing was over a card! L and I agreed from the start that there is no obligated gifting especially for anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. There's more "rules", bit that's not the point.

Look, I'm actually doing really good about this situation. There are many decisions I could have made (i.e. find another T or report her). Thanks to what L has taught me, I can still see the good in her; that her action was bad, but she's not bad. I am coping, I'm not in denial, I'm not punishing myself, I'm talking out instead of acting out, I'm using my supports, I'm being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings, etc.

Can you now please stop with this? I answered your questions: my role, that I didn't "bait" L, and I wasn't seeking about an unmet need. If you can't see my progress, that's on you.

It isn't mean to point out a potentially undesirable behaviour in an other! I am not attacking you, undesirable behaviours are human. I don't think my points are being understood, either I am not expressing myself well or you can't hear what I am saying.

I won't contribute to the thread any more, I seem to be aggravating you and that isn't my intention. It's not my concern to see your progress, that's for you to do and you seem to be happy with how things are going.

You ask people not to analyse the situation, but for me that's actually one of the ways to cope with it. To put that betrayal into context, what either of you were hoping to achieve or gain, your family dynamics, whatever the heck your sister might be up to. Not assigning blame or responsibility, on the contrary, taking painstaking effort to stick to just seeing causes and effects. My own experience is that such understanding (even if partial) can go a long way towards bridging the gap between still wanting to love the person for all the good parts, but also feeling like I should disown them for the bad. Or myself. It kind of helped with the big rupture with xT. Only kind of, because we kept getting stuck in the 'blame game' (but then she got very defensive very easily, and so do I) and because all the logic and rational thinking in the world can't seem to replace emotional validation (which, almost felt like xT was making a point of not giving me? Well, in any case, I wasn't getting it).

Otherwise, seems like you're already doing everything I could think of.

Also, umm sorry, analysing again, but it feels important ... what really hit me was trying to imagine your family situation ... what turns this thing from a confused 'right, technically a breach of confidence, but no indication that anyone found out anything they didn't already know' to 'o **** this is bad' in my mind is that somehow by not acting the way you agreed on (well yes that's already problematic in itself), and you told your family you expect her to, she did give out some difficult-to-grasp but very visceral bit of information about the connection between you, and who knows what else she might have revealed implicitly and unwittingly, even if she was very careful not to divulge anything and made sure the card was as generic as possible. This sort of stuff could be completely harmless with a trustworthy and supportive family, but could cause a lot of hurt with a suitably toxic one. And in any case, it really isn't anyone else's business.

I am analyzing things with L. I asked for people to not analyze it here because that's not what I was looking for. I understand that I need to analyze it, tease out facts vs emotion, reality vs fantasy? or unrealistic expectations, and own my role in this. I don't need others here analyzing my dynamics with L which is what people have been doing. They are putting their own thoughts and feelings towards my personal situation. And to me that is not supportive especially since I never asked for it and even clearly stated multiple times to not do it.

There's also the fact that I don't share every little detail. For example, you all don't know that I allow L to look at some of my threads. You all don't know that I've already sent an email analyzing the whole dynamic of the situation. I tell you all the good things I'm doing, and it seems like you don't care. Most are just focused on my role or me playing victim. I accept my role. I accept my mistake. I allowed my sister into the relationship. I didn't take into account my desire for privacy and protecting my relationship from an unsafe family member. And like L, I got caught up in the excitement of the surprise. I didn't do it to test or "bait" L. I didn't do it out of harm or malice.

However, that's not why I was posting this thread. I wasn't looking for anyone to bash L. I wasn't wanting to end my relationship with her or to report her. She made a mistake. She's human. So am I!!! I just wanted to know how to move forward with broken trust. I have never done this. I don't know the process or if a positive outcome is possible. All I know from my history is writing off the person, disowning them. So I was looking for advice on how to cope. I was looking for support for my feelings. I just was trying to do my best to get through this is a healthy way.

But clearly no one is understanding that. I do not feel heard by the people analyzing my situation in their own opinions of it. I do not feel seen. And I do not feel supported.

I do thank all of you who haven't judged my situation, me, or L. She is a good person and a good therapist. I am going to continue to use my skills that L has taught me. I am determined to move forward with her and heal.

I just want to weigh in a bit, since you are asking how do you come back from something like this. I'll draw a comparison, my long time partner cheated on me a few years ago. We broke up for a period of time, but then came back together.

I'd say it takes time and repeated processing of the things that have happened. You might not feel too good about her for a period of time, but IF you still feel like you want to stick with her, it doesn't sound to me like she's a very irresponsible person or someone who you cannot trust. It will most probably go back and forth for a while between feeling comfortable with her/her presence and feeling uncomfortable and mistrusting. It takes quite some work to get through something like this, by which I mean talking about it again if you don't feel good again, and her showing through always responding the way she has so far, as well as not make more slip-ups. But if that's an option for you that you want to try, I think that can work, the same has worked with my partner. Sometimes there's days you despise them and still you can tell them and they don't leave. Bother parties understand what has happened, who's done what wrong and by now we are able to sometimes even joke about it.

This of course is an investment of time and resources into it, which I think can be fruitful, but that of course depends on you.

It sounds to me that you're coping really well with the situation. You're being open and you are working through the confidentiality issue with L. I'm sure you're both learning a lot from this event.

I definitely want to keep investing into this relationship. Her honesty IS trustworthy. That is number one in our relationship, and I trust her with that.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm glad it worked out for you. I hope it works out for L and me too. Like she said to me: we have 27 months invested into this relationship. There have been ups and downs, but overall good, positive, healthy growth. I want more than anything to move forward. I do go back and forth between trusting her and not trusting her, and pain vs joy. Last session she offered me a hug. Before we hugged, we identified that what she did was wrong, and that the hug was meant to comfort me; not her. And it didn't mean everything was okay. I felt a lot of mixed emotions in that hug, but ultimately it felt good and safe and connecting. Maybe that's why I have more hope than earlier this week: because I could still feel our bond and connection.

Thank you. I'm trying real hard. And we are both learning about my family dynamics and the importance of boundaries. She didn't realize how important written consent is. And I didn't realize how much my privacy with L matters. As L and I would say: we'll take this brick and use it to build our castle. That's the hope and goal anyways.

I think this is exactly right. Sometimes stuff happens with a T, like they make a huge mistake and it cuts so deep that it’s not clear whether you will be able to get over it. And then you have the choice of continue with them or not. If you do continue, you kind of have to trust that either it will be okay or you’ll learn to be okay with the fact that it’s not okay.

I had a similar incident with my former T (what happened was very different but how deeply betrayed and upset I felt was similar) and though I don’t see her anymore (bc she retired, not over this issue) I still feel devastated by it some days.

I think it bodes well that L is so able to work on this with you. If it’s important for you to forgive her, it might help to think of her as a flawed human who makes dumb but hurtful mistakes sometimes. Like think about how we try to treat ourselves and each other with compassion for the bad decisions we’ve made and then think of her having a moment of fatigue or brain fog and crap judgement when she called your sister and then, when you’re ready, think of yourself being gentle with that not-the-greatest version of her.

I think challenges like this are best delivered by the therapist. We patients should stick together!

You're right, and I'm trying to remind myself of that: that she's human and will make mistakes. And the fact that she's human is a good thing. She's humble and very empathetic, owns her mistakes and tries to build from or correct them. And if the tables were flipped, I would hope that she gives me grace.

We've been exchanging emails today, and I'm feeling a lot better. Not that the pain or mistrust isn't gone, but that I really am feeling connected to her. We have both owned our part of the dance, and we both feel respected. I feel heard and seen by her. I even sent her a simple email saying that I love her. She replied that she loves me. I think the honesty and love are what's fueling the desires and trust to move forward.

I know she's not perfect. And I accept that. I know this was a mistake and not out of malice. She's not a bad person and is not a bad therapist. And I love and accept her for all her strengths, weaknesses, and quirks. She's accepted my worst, and I choose to accept her at hers.

The larger lesson is that even people we trust sometimes hurt us.

The ability to raise issues, and to forgive (or dump) will benefit all your relationships, and T is a good person to practice on.

Sorry to preach. But what I gained most from therapy was better relationships with other people.

This sounds like you have already done the rational thinking about moving forward, and it sounds like you realize it is worth moving forward. My suggestion is to trust the logic; emotions can be deceptive. You know that: your emotions usually have had you run away from things. You didn't do that this time. That is growth.

One of the most important skills my therapist taught me was that I have a choice in how I react to a situation. You have rationally already made the choice, and it appears to be grounded in good introspection and fairness. Let the emotions go.

Sometimes in life we just have to let certain things go. I'm not saying excuse what she did. You have already had those conversations with your therapist. She's aware of your objections. You both have taken some concrete steps to prevent something like this from happening again. That's mature, rational, problem-solving. Let the rest go so you can move on. That's what I would call forgiveness - and this is the truly comforting kind of forgiveness where the other party has taken responsibility and worked to make amends. Let the hard feelings go.

In relationships that matter and that are healthy, sometimes we have to take a deep breath and make the decision to move forward rather than hold resentment for a particular situation. Healthy relationships can "move forward" because the healthy people in those relationships can see the true effort and caring that is worth letting some things sort of just wash away. You do seem to have a good therapist and this therapy relationship is much healthier than some of the ones you've had in the past. Breathe deeply, realize you've already forgiven, and recognize that through your discussion and problem-solving together, the issue does seem to be worked out. You just have to make the choice.

I'm trying real hard to stay in wise-mind: trying to respect and listen to my emotions without letting them take over. I have made the choice to stay with her and build our relationship back up. Our foundation of honesty is not broken. Honesty is #1 for us. So the trust is still there.

I had a session with her today and a quick phone call, and both have helped a ton. I'm having some attachment anxiety, but we are working to soothe that.

I don't know if I've forgiven her yet. I'm not even sure what that looks like. I'm so used to being disowned or disowning a person. This is so new to me. I want to say I've forgiven her. Maybe I have? I've kind of flipped the switch and am now trying to protect her and soothe her. I have this intense desire to make sure she's okay, that she knows I love her and choose to be with her. Is that forgiveness? Or is that me trying to dismiss this all because it hurts? Is it still allowed to hurt if you forgive the person? I truly see that this mistake is not her core-self. She, herself, is not bad. And even though breaking my confidentiality is bad, I doubt it will ever happen again. Both her and I are working so it doesn't.

And I still feel hurt. I can't help it. I just feel it. But I'm not letting the hurt control my choices. So I think I'm doing good?

Yes, you have handled this well. To me, forgiveness is something I do for myself. It is a reaching of that place where I choose to not let the anger or hurt or resentment have a hold over my life. That doesn’t require excusing the behavior and it’s certainly not condoning it. I’ve forgiven some monsters in my life. I can choose to move beyond what they did, even if they refuse to take responsibility - even if they are dead - because forgiveness is about me choosing to not let that person or history or event keep me bound up in emotions that are so devastating to me that I get stuck. It takes their power away over my life and my sense of self, and it allows me to move forward. That doesn’t mean I forget either - who can do that anyway? But with time and distance from the situation, the emotions have room to breathe and slow down and become less intense. And at some point I realize I can think about that person or event just as a recall rather than an emotionally charged memory.

I'm curious as how too let feelings go, as someone says? I'm new to feelings, I was cut off for a long time, and I don't wish to derail this thread so maybe this is a post for elsewhere, but now I feel the feelings, how does one let them go? I wondered whether you just feel them, acknowledge them, accept them but go with the rational logical bit anyway? Curious to see how others 'choose' to do this?

I'm glad you and L are doing well (it really sounds like you do - I think it's bound to take time, and the best you can do is trust yourself that you'll make it to a safer ground, going as slowly and carefully as you need to).

My experience with forgiveness is that it's not an all-or-nothing thing and has a bit of an ebb-and-flow ... what I sometimes do is try to find the place where I felt the anger coming from (not always easy) and see if anything changed. But there's also a natural fluctuation with parts coming forward or withdrawing, so might be better to just wait and see and roll with whatever comes, than to actively probe the hurting part, at least while it's so fresh.

I see this expressed a lot, and it never fails to confuse me. To me, it feels the other way around - when I get to a point where an event stops having a hold on my life (by re-affirming or increasing my fears/shame/sense of helplessness) then I can decide whether I want to forgive. Whenever I tried to make myself (out of mis-guided belief that this is the 'right' thing to do), at best I failed, at worst I succeeded in fooling myself and then had it backfire. Also, I kind of don't want to believe that full forgiveness is necessary (as I understand it) - there are things I'm not sure I'd ever want to be able to think back to without getting at least somewhat angry. Just not so angry as to have it override my better judgement. Same with self-forgiveness vs regret. BTW

Yeah, this too. The sense I'm starting to get is that when people say things like this, that make it sound so simple, they're doing so from a place that some of us have yet to reach. Like, it might be a choice, but you might have to make a bloofy long list of smaller choices and (and make them again and again until you can mostly stick to them, maybe), until you get to a point when you're even ready to make that particular choice. But that's really just my best guess, based on my experience and the limited progress I've made. Might be just wishful thinking, because otherwise - what does it tell about me if people keep insisting that I can do something, but I don't know how to, and also don't know how to try any harder than I already do? I want to trust that it's because I'm missing something I need, insight, skill, support, whatever, that I'm not just being ... don't even know what, a living anomaly?