How do you move forward from a violation of confidentiality?

I'm having a hard time writing this, so if I forget something or it gets confusing, I apologize.

L violated my confidentiality. She talked to my sister without my consent.

My dad asked me (for my sister) if he could have L's number. I agreed, but told him that L wouldn't call her back. So my sister called and left her a message asking if L would send my sister a card addressed to me to surprise me on my birthday. L called my sister back to ask for the address, and she sent my sister the card. We have yet to receive the card.

This might seem minor on the surface. However, it violated my privacy, my confidentiality, and my trust. What if they talked about more than my sister's address? What if my sister opened the card? What if my mom or someone else did the same thing? What if the person had an ulterior motive?

L explained why, and knowing her, it made sense. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. Actually, it was completely opposite of why she did this. And I do still love her... And I feel violated and betrayed. I've lost my trust in her. It's so hard because this is such an egregious wrong and yet otherwise she is so good to me. I want her to comfort me and make it all better. She's was my safe person, but not anymore. This is a big deal for me. She had no right to talk to my sister. My sister isn't on any forms giving L the right to contact my sister even in an emergency. And my family is not to be trusted; not even H. I'm fine with people leaving her messages, but it's not okay for them to talk to L!

Looking back, I should have never given my sister L's number. But I did warn L. I told her "I told him I would give him your name and number, but you won't contact her back (unless WE talk about it and WE agree to it)". We never talked about it and I never agreed to it.

I need help! I welcome advice. Please don't suggest reporting her or finding a new T. I already know I don't want either of those things. I just want to know how to move forward and how to forgive her.

Wow. What L did is a big, huge NO. The only way I can think of dealing with the breach of confidentiality is to talk it over with L. Really let it out and tell L exactly how you feel and why. Share your concerns entirely.

I wish you the best, SP

Oh man, I can understand your being upset. Do you think this is something you can work through with her?

A few years ago, I wqs participating in a retreat. Part of the retreat consisted of somebody fromteh team putting on the retreat secretly reaching out to your family for "love letters". Letters about what you mean to them. My best friend contacted my family and my T. Whem I recieved my letter from T while it was really.l nice I also felt very uncomfortable.

Told me in detail how it came about. My therapist never confirmed our relationship as my friend was talking about the letter.. She wanted to say know but also knew how much the letter would mean to me. So she told my friend that there woud be a blank envelope on her door at x time and she would not be at the office. My friend guaranteed she would not open it. T was also VERY generic in the letter.

Both T and my friend reassured me that NOTHING about therapy was discussed. My friend told aboit the project and knowing that she was an important. That was it.....BUT it did feel weird and I can underatand why you would be really upaet.

I dont understand what this means:

Who is "we" who hasnt received the card? How do you know the card was sent?

Also, i dont see where L technically did anything wrong. She returned a rather strange phone call. Did she admit during that conversation that you were her client, in so many words? She could have been talking to the man in the moon, for all she knew.

You might feel guilty or something about giving out her phone number to begin with. Thats a boundary violation with your family that was not handled well. Why blame her for that, except that its easier to blame her than yourself or your family?

I totally get wanting to cut her off - thats how i was. Thats how i was raised - be perfect or be gone! I think this is a good incident to discuss the meaning of, start to finish, but i really dont see where she did enough to be the bad guy here. I think your distrust is misdirected.

Im sorry, i know i sound plain and harsh. I cant see where your sister is going with all this. Why did she think manipulating L to send you a card was in any wise a good idea? Or even possible? We cant make ts do carp like that! Was she gonna say the hedgehog was from L?

I think that if you want to stay with her, this is one of those things that you're just going to have to talk about until you feel okay about it. You might not ever feel okay about it. Hopefully, she's a good enough therapist that she can allow you to talk about it for as long as you need to without getting defensive about it. If you don't talk about it, it's going to fester and probably come out in other ways.

She may not have admitted to the fact that Scarlet is her client, but she kind of implied it by asking for the address. In my opinion, she should not have returned the phone call, informed Scarlet about it, and asked how she wanted to handle it. You probably shouldn't use someone's therapist as part of a surprise.

Luna--
Who is "we" who hasnt received the card? How do you know the card was sent?
We=my sister and I. The card was sent because L told me it was sent.

Also, i dont see where L technically did anything wrong. She returned a rather strange phone call. Did she admit during that conversation that you were her client, in so many words? She could have been talking to the man in the moon, for all she knew.
Exactly. She could have been talking to anyone. She broke my confidentiality by calling my sister back.

You might feel guilty or something about giving out her phone number to begin with. Thats a boundary violation with your family that was not handled well. Why blame her for that, except that its easier to blame her than yourself or your family?
This is plain mean. This whole post seems mean and attacking. I'm not blaming L for my sister contacting her. I'm blaming her for calling my sister back.

I totally get wanting to cut her off - thats how i was. Thats how i was raised - be perfect or be gone! I think this is a good incident to discuss the meaning of, start to finish, but i really dont see where she did enough to be the bad guy here. I think your distrust is misdirected.
I do NOT want to cut her off!!!

Im sorry, i know i sound plain and harsh. I cant see where your sister is going with all this. Why did she think manipulating L to send you a card was in any wise a good idea? Or even possible? We cant make ts do carp like that! Was she gonna say the hedgehog was from L?
I don't understand you. L did send a card because my sister asked her to. And what does the hedgehog have to do with anything?

Agreed. To me, the only way this maybe would have been OK is if (a) her sister left all the info on L's voice mail, like "mail to this address," though L should have Scarlet's address or (b) if she put it all in an email to her. And in either case, L did not respond (so not confirming that Scarlet is a client), but just did with the information what she chose to. Like, sent a card without contacting her sister.

And I agree that the solution is to talk about it as much as you need to.

Thank you. Exactly. L should have told me and asked me for permission to talk to my sister. AND if L wanted to give me a card, she could have mailed it to me and/or gave it to me the session before my birthday.

I did have session with L today. It was hard. It's all we talked about. We are writing up a new document being very specific what, when, why, and who she can break confidentiality with (i.e. Pdoc only for information related to psychiatric treatment).

I cried all session. She told me I could report her to the board or I could find another therapist. Both hurt so much. It's why I know I don't want either of those. She has apologized multiple times, but it's not enough. I've done my best putting my feelings into words, telling her about SH thoughts, my negative thoughts about her, my anger, everything! But it's not enough. I don't feel like she understands. Maybe because I want her to feel what I feel? Which won't happen.

That's why I don't know what to do right now. We have session again Friday, and I did call her a few hours ago telling her about my thoughts.

Her suggestions to be were to take care of myself (play with dogs/hedgehog, sleep, etc.), and to post a thread on here for extra support.

I am sorry. It sounds so aggravating.

The only thing I find confusing is why you gave your sister therapist’s number if you didn’t want them to talk. I can trust my brother with my life yet I’d not give him my therapist’s number because he has no business talking to her. If your family isn’t trustworthy, why give them therapist’s number? I wonder if L called back because she thought you are ok with it as you gave her number out. Normally if you don’t want people talking to each other, you’d not be sharing their phone numbers

What’s your sister is trying to do? First she gives you wild undomesticated animal (even if it’s cute) that’s not legal to keep at home in your state (she breaks the law so she wants you to do the same??? Isn’t she the one getting arrested driving drunk with kids in tow? ) and then she wants your t send you cards via sister’s house (why???).

The whole charade is just off. This is just all kind of bizarre. I’d not trust your sister with anything, certainly not with other peoples numbers. She needs to refocus

As with what to do with t. I’d insist she explains why she called your sister back (possibly she thought you were ok with it). Continue creating a list who is ok to call back (glad you are already doing it). Only give t’s number to emergency contact people. And I’d talk to my sister about it too. No more nonsensical ideas coming from her

I'm not here to judge or defend my sister. This is not about the damn hedgehog. I'm not here to analyze how it was wrong for me to give my dad L's number (though now he has it in case of an emergency, so that's a good thing). I'm not even here to bash L. I'm here looking for help with help for the betrayal I feel because L picked up the phone and called my sister back without my written or verbal consent. I am not looking to get rid of L or report her to the board. I'm looking to work through this hurt. Why? Because I love her, I believe that she has good intentions, I have made a ton of progress with her, and I hope that we can learn from this and get stronger. Even trying to work through this is improvement for me. I'm trying to hold the both/and, trying to see the grey, trying to allow for errors.

I'm looking for help getting from where I'm at now to healing and rebuilding trust. If your motive is anything else like I mentioned, please don't post. I'm looking for support; not an argument.

L can talk to whomever she wants. She just cant break your confidentiality. The fact that she returned a phone call per a message is not breaking your confidentiality. How do you figure it is?

If just talking is breaking confidentiality, then what about the million cop shows where the detective TALKS to a priest or a doctor or a shrink?

Again, I dont understand what she did wrong that upset you so. She is allowed to return any phone message without your permission.

To find the answer to a problem, you have to ask the right question. The right answer to the wrong question does not advance your knowledge.

I have to disagree. Completely! L is NOT allowed to talk to my family without my consent. It is unethical for a T to do so. That would be like them talking to a clients past T or their Pdoc without consent. L knew she was calling my sister because my sister identified herself in the voicemail.

Can you please stop arguing on this point? I asked to not analyze this, and yet you did. Maybe where you're at, a T can contact whoever they please about you, bit here, if 100% not okay. L knows this. It's not something I'm making up.

Scarlet, I am so sorry your trust has been broken. No matter how it happens, it is a horrific place to be. I am glad you talked about it and I hope you can keep talking about it. As another said, this may help, it may not.

I can relate, a little, because the way my T has handled this ending between us is downright outrageous in my opinion. For me, and I wonder if for you, it feels like it has destroyed everything that went before it. All gone, in a heartbeat.
I decided to write. Write and write and write and write. I sent her 4 emails in a day. I went through all the thought processes and emotions possible in those emails I think. Does writing help you to process?

The other thing I did which was actually really helpful was to write all of the good that she has done. All of the good that we have done. All of the things we have been though and that we have survived. It helped me to see that this is one incident. Same for you. Whilst it feels ABSOLUTELY ENOURMOUS and totally insurmountable, it is, at the end of the day, one incident. One mistake. A f***king HUGE mistake, which should never have happened and which you have every right to be angry about, but she is human, same as all of us. And if you want to try and heal the hurt, you have to try and find ways, which you are doing by asking for suggestions.

So, not sure if it will help or not, but do keep telling her how you feel. Do keep talking about it (and feel and express the anger at now having to waste sessions talking about something SHE did! - I've been there a few times in the last 5 years as well!)
And maybe write about it. Grab a notebook and a pen and just pour out everything that is in your mind. And maybe try the exercise that helped me. Write out everything good that she has done. All the kind, helpful, considerate, supportive things. Write out all the positive changes you have made to your life as a result of your therapy.

And take good care of yourself as you go through this hell. Hopefully others will also have some suggestions and something will click for you, in time.

Thinking of you...

I find this confusing; do you feel disorientated by what happened?

I am confused about why your therapist is negotiating with your sister about sending you a birthday card, isn't that a discussion which should have taken place between you and your therapist directly? It is an act which potentially requires some delicate discussion around boundaries, both yours and your therapist's. The confidentiality breach is the least significant factor for me - I would be far more concerned about the lack of control I had over my therapist sending me something. I don't understand why your therapist thought it was appropriate to enter into this triangle. Regardless of whether you gave the number or not, it was your therapist's responsibility to step outside of the dynamic.

I am confused about your sister's interest in inserting herself into your therapeutic relationship. Similar to what una has said (and I know you haven't liked what una has said), it feels like your sister is playing puppet with your therapist.

And I am confused about what motivated you to give your therapist's number to your sister. Did you know why your sister wanted it? As much as this would make me cringe and I would find it really uncomfortable, I would spend time uncovering what was happening for me that prompted me to give the number. Was I testing my therapist? Would it be thrilling to receive the card and that was my primary interest? Is the idea of the card thrilling but the reality of the breach unsettling and so I have tripped myself up? Have I sabotaged trust because I can't maintain closeness in a relationship? What am I hiding when I facilitate a drama like this? Uncomfortable questions for sure, but for me, they would be fruitful in my development rather than focusing on my therapist's behaviour and what she did wrong (and I say this as someone who likes to blame my therapist for everything).

How can we best support you?

Without consent none of the providers I k oe personally and through work will return a phone call.

I'm sorry this happened, Scarlet. I think you're already doing it - talking about it with L. I can't relate to this specific situation with confidentiality, but I've had big ruptures with my t in the past and the only way I could get past them (because like you I didn't want to change t's) was to talk about them with her as much as I needed to, for as many sessions as I needed to, and I wrote many emails to her as well if memory serves.

Sending hugs and I hope you and L are able to navigate your way through this.

I'm not a 100% sure what I need, I'm just 100% what I don't need. I don't need people analyzing the situation.

Part of what I would like is support of my feelings. Another thing is experiences with ruptures, betrayals, or violation of confidentiality. Or yet another thing is advice on how to move forward with L.