Saying "I love you."

Now I just posted in the Dear T thread. I said those very words there. But I've also said that to my therapist in two separate emails. We discussed them after during my next session briefly.

"It has nothing to do with marriage or romance or attraction so, don't worry, Doctor." I told him. We both knew that, and we both laughed. The man has just done so much for me that it's how I feel. How could you not love a person that has cared for you, worked with you for years, and has pretty much saved you. He's such a wonderful person.

If you have felt this way, did you ever tell your therapist? I don't think it's a transference but do you? I mean, is it possible to just love a person who has done so much for you and they just happen to be your therapist?

I have told my T I love him. We have also talked about how in some languages, there are many words for love. Only some of them mean romantic love, there are so many other kinds besides that one. I’m not sure if he has directly said he loves me, but I think he said he has care and love for me. Or something like that. So that’s nice.

I told my T I loved him and to my delight/surprise, he said it back. We were talking about platonic love, but i never imagined I’d every say it out loud, let alone him saying it back.

I told my T I loved him several times. He also said "I love you" once, but I'm sure he regrets this

It's not very common in my language to say that phrase and not mean it romantically. However, there are ways to express the feelings I think English speakers mean in this context, and I've expressed that many times. I think that's perfectly fine and doesn't have to be transference.

One of the frustrating aspects of the English language is there is only one word for love. When in reality love has so many different definitions. As Americans we often just think of erotic love. My love for T falls more inclined with Phileo love we have a relationship and connection and mutual respect. I have never actually said "I love you" to my Ts BUT I am fairly certain current T and I have that feeling foe each other. It is about loving others just because the are God's children as well as we are care about each other.

No, I've never said I love you to T.
Mostly because I believe it would trigger a LONG discussion that I wouldnt be interested in.

I do wish there were more words.

I've told T that I care about her a few times. First time when she was recovering from an illness.
She returned it easily and genuinely.

I think we're on the same page.

I have said it to 3 therapists. Two of them said it back. It only caused my attachment, transference ect to become unbearable to the point where I could hardly function. In the end those therapists left and the relationship ended and I was left with pain and grief that almost killed me. So I don't think its worth it. I don't want to sound like stopdog but therapists are just doing a job and someday the relationship will end. I think I have just had bad luck with therapists but what I went through after didn't make it worth it or a good idea so its something I will never ever say again. Years ago someone on here said love was mostly for personal relationships and I see the wisdom in that now. In my experience love just causes more pain and grief.

I hesitated on responding to this. But here you go.

Current T: He's not the warm, fuzzy type. A couple years ago, I ended up saying that I loved him. And I quickly clarified that I meant platonically. He said, "If it's platonic, then it's more just that you really like me, right?" Me: "Uh, yes, sure, that." Even though I think platonic love is different from "like." But still, he seemed OK with it. (Haven't said it since, to be safe.) There was also a time early on that I said I cared about him, and he said, "You can't care about me--you don't know me!" I said how I don't know my neighbors well (for example), but I care about them. More recently it came up again, and he said at that point, he felt like I knew him pretty well, so he understood the caring.

Ex-T: At one point (like 4 years in), I mentioned I loved her, and she said, "Oh, that's sweet." When it was 5 or 6 years, I said how I loved her, adding, "I know the therapeutic relationship is weird, so you can't say it back." She said how the relationship is unique and, "That doesn't mean that I don't love you, too," which felt like her basically saying that she did love me. Which felt nice.

Ex-marriage counselor. Complicated relationship, with transference--both paternal and erotic--that he (and my H) knew about. Had a couple individual sessions with him to address it. At some point after that, on a phone call with him (yeah, he wasn't good with boundaries), I said, "So if I love you, is that OK?" He replied, "Of course it's OK!" He was then sort of weird to me next (joint session). I mentioned it another time, and he said it was very kind of me. I said that felt like I'd complimented his shirt, not expressed something I was feeling.

So then maybe a year later, I went to this concert of a band I associated with him. I sent him an email saying, "I love you so much." Saying I knew he couldn't reciprocate and that it was platonic, but to just tell me that it was OK that I felt that way. He replied with "Of course it's OK. But this is a big deal, and you should talk to me or [now current T] about it." I asked to talk to him (ex-MC), on the phone, possibly individual session. He said no, that I needed to talk to current T. We ended up in this weird text exchange, and he called me, saying he was going to do all the talking, and I was going to listen. We both talked. He said how he'd tried to be consistent with boundaries, which...he hadn't. And at the end of the call, he said, "You need to reduce contact with me." Which crushed me. We tried to keep seeing him, but terminated a few months later. I'm past it now, but it was a big struggle. It felt that he'd rejected me because I loved him.

We had a few email conversations after termination, where I asked about the "I love you" thing, saying I'd said it before, and it had been OK. And he said how it had seemed different this time. Again, I'm basically past it now, but it took a long time. Especially because he had seemed so accepting of everything and understanding of transference. And when this wasn't OK, it felt like it reopened old wounds from the past, from when I was rejected. So, lots of pain. But I made it through.

I do suggest that clients really think of how their T's could take an "I love you" admission and consider if the risk is worth it? Like, what would you gain vs. what might you lose if the T's reaction isn't what you'd wanted, or potentially much worse.

I told one of my T’s that I loved her but I was only quoting the SpongeBob episode Chocolate With Nuts. I was just being silly.

She was not happy though.

I wouldn’t dare tell any other therapist. The closest I came to saying that was half way admitting to a T I had a crush on her at our last session.

I told my T I lived her. Many years ago. Like Lonesome suggested I thought long and hard about what the response or lack of response would do to me.

I used to tell my Mum I loved her, and there was nothing in reply.

In the end I did say it to T. And we had some upset because all she said was Thank you. Looking back, that's quite a good response I guess, but it hurt at the time. I think I needed it to hurt though. It was part of the work. We talked about it, like all things.

We explored how I felt, and we explored how she felt too, to some degree. We talked about the word affection. After some clarification about what the word meant to me she said she did feel affection for me. That was a good step.

We also decided that rather than Thank You, a better response to me would be "I know, and that's ok".

I used to say it a few times. Here and there. When I felt like it.

In time that got less, as we drifted further apart in our work. As different parts came and different phases came. I still said it or wrote it every now and again though.

She never said it back, until our last session. When she abruptly stopped working with me. When I sat out on the grass and she came out to see me. After that, we hugged, and when she let go, she held my hands, looked into my eyes and said "I love you too". Those were the last words I heard, and yet I'm not sure I did hear them as such. I certainly dont remember them being spoken, but I do 100 percent know that they were, if that makes any sense.

I have felt love from her. Caring, support, kindness, interest, championing etc. Love. I have felt it and on our last session she confirmed it.

It was all a part of the process for me.

I worked with former T for about 10 years. About 8 years in I told her I loved her. She didn't say it back but she accepted it warmly and it wasn't weird. Then I didn't say it again until year 10 when we both knew that the relationship was ending (she was sick with MS and couldn't practice). So then I said it a few more times. On our last session she said it back. She does allow me to text her or email her occasionally which I do, and I always tell her I love her. I can't go back to seeing her because even though she is back to seeing clients she told me no. So I feel very free to tell her that I love her. She's only said it the one time but she has said lots of other things like, I'm still here. I still care. Stuff like that that makes me know she does love me. I've never said it to any other T. I can't imagine saying it to current T or ex T. And I didn't feel that way towards them. I liked ex T although looking back I'm not sure she was very competent. And current T, I definitely don't love him. I'm not even sure I like him. I've only seen him a handful of times. I had a T as a child and she asked me how I felt about her. I was very stopdog-ish and said it was a transaction. I paid her and she listened. She didn't seem to like that answer but I was not about to admit to anything else and I don't think I loved her. I was seeking help from her and she was trying to help but she didn't help a lot.

I never felt that way about the therapist. I doubt she was any fonder of me than I was of her. It was barely even toleration

I've signed cards and emails with "Love, Beth" - but I don't have the feeling to say "I love you." I guess I kind-of restrict I love you's to my kids and my cats

L and I say I love you every session, every phone call, and most emails. She knows how important it is for me. We have defined what love means so when we say it, we both understand what the person means.

Yes, me and my T have both said it. We know what it means in the context of our relationship and work together.

Nope, I did not tell my therapist I loved her, and I did not. Though I probably had her on a bit of a pedestal . Nor have I said it to the two primary care docs I’ve idealized over the years (one a mentor of mine from when I was in medical training, the other my current doctor of ten years)

Two years ago one of my young patients was on hospice. A 27 year old mother of two little boys. She had heart failure and her jackass cardios never got her listed for transplant. She was on hospice for a week after she returned home; I saw her three times. The first visit she was weake but responsive. I told her I loved her and she replied in kind. The next day she was unresponsive, my final visit three days after that was when I went to say goodbye; half an hour later at my medical recommendation her family turned off her left ventricular assist device (helped link blood through her body) she passed away within 15 minutes