Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I wrote like a page and a half on my lunch break today about the dream from Friday night. Such an extremely short dream but it pulled a lot out of me. Yeah, I doubt I'll cancel this week, since I'll be out of town next week and all. Maybe we can also talk about this whole want vs need a session thing - as in, I want to come, but I don't need to come, so I feel like I shouldn't come. You know?

And, I'm sorry for trying to take care of you last week. Oops.

I just don't want this and I don't want to have to have it be this way. So what can I do about it? What options do I really have?

And I am struggling not to contact you tonight about it.

I make it ten more sleeps. I need to process this part of the experience with you, because you know how that particular information would impact me better than most.

It really bothers me that I know. I didn't need to know, I don't want to know.

And now that I know, I can't do a damn thing about that.

Seeing possible new T J tomorrow- I could have a session at 10am or do a free phone call at 10.30am first .

I went with the phone call first, but the thing is I know he is not you. I want you.

I should have stopped following your wife on insta but I didn't.

Dear T,
Looking at our county's latest numbers, I'm wondering if you're going to switch back to virtual soon. Hoping we can at least meet in your office the rest of this week. I want a little more time in the "safe space."

Love,
LT

Hey L. Well, I just had a pretty huge aha about why I was trying to take care of you last week. I think I might like to come this week to talk about that, if nothing else.

Dear random T,

I'm not sure why but I am having a real issue with having to wear a mask tomorrow to meet you. I wear them in the shops fine, but for some reason it seems stupid to wear them in therapy, especially now things are easing and case numbers are dropping and I assume we are both double vaccinated.

Thing is, I would quite happily hide from you, or any T, too, so again, not sure why I am having a hard time with the prospect of this.

I'm in two minds not to come tomorrow, but that's just rude, and I feel it's too late to pull out saying it's an issue for me seeing as you sent that paperwork a week ago (yes, that's me all over, last minute!!).

Hmmmm. I guess I just come and see how it goes, but honestly, it feels as though I might as well just light fire to my £40.

To be fair, I might as well light fire to £10,000 seeing as right now I am feeling the whole charade of therapy has and will get me nowhere...

Please acknowledge my email before next session, so that I don't have to rehash the whole debacle again.

I found out by accident, and I am sure as hell paying the price for my newfound knowledge regarding Steve's death.

Aw, T. I can't believe you noticed that I did say I missed you, even though I didn't use those words. You really do listen.

I am glad I guess that you are feeling in the shite with. me about the new pandemic resurgence.

L, yeah. I'm gonna text you tomorrow to make sure you kept me scheduled for Friday. Now that I figured this out I realllly want to talk about it.

I feel so unsatisfied with that session I can hardly put it into words.

Went to see another new T today. That is three, not counting the one that suggested I leave after five minutes!! They say to get three quotes for building work, don't they.

Well. Now I guess I have to decide. The one I saw today reminded me the most of you. She was softly spoken, patient, sat in silence, said some of the same things as you, noticed things, had russian dolls and rocks and other things in the room.

But something is drawing me back to 'Middle T', and I don't know why!! I'm really surprised by it. She is louder, more energetic. She came across as a brand new T, though I am ptobably way off base there and if you asked me why I made that judgement I couldn't really tell you. I didn't like the room she was in, but we have other options, so there is something I guess. Yeah. It's beyond me, but that's where I'm drawn at the moment.

Maybe Teenage One needs something different to Little One. Maybe she does need someone who can match her... Fight her??? Or at least withstand her.

The first T I saw was very limited in the room she had. We would always be there, I think. She had no garden, and she didn't do walk talks. Now, 5 years ago that would have suited me to the ground. Little One didn't want to go outside, but Teenage One is drawn to the garden and did enjoy the space and possibilities that we had on the walk talk. Middle T does do walk talk too, if I ever want to give it another go.

I don't know. I will see her again tomorrow and see how it goes. It could be a complete disaster and I could take back everything I have written here... Time will tell.

Oh, and Middle T I'd very open to me emailing, it seems. Maybe too open!?! It really really helps me to hold on to things in between sessions; to process what went on in the session and also to share that with the counsellor. Without it things are just that much harder.

First T did not seem as receptive to me emailing really, and I certainly don't think I would get a full response from her, just an acknowledgement. I'm not sure that's enough to keep the connection. For me to believe that she is invested in the work.

As of yesterday, it's eight weeks since I found out about Steve's death, and 12 days since I found out how...without actually meaning to. That's still 'early days', right?

Thanks for responding so quickly to my text verifying we're still on for this week.

Ha, not remembering how we left it, is what I get for not bringing my notebook last week, huh! I will have it with me Friday.

Answer me, you absolute wretch!! That was a nice email, for once! I was feeling warm hearted, for once!! Ugh, you are a horror no matter what.

Dear T,
I will just do my best to trust that you're OK with all that. It helped that we were joking and laughing about things throughout the discussion. I assume that was partly intentional on your part to show you were OK with it. Or maybe not intentional, but just how our relationship is, like we can talk about most anything at this point?


I do really hope you keep the session in person on Friday, even though I know if you changed to virtual, it would be due to increasing Covid cases and not due to anything I'd said. But I think some little part of me would wonder...

Love,
LT

I just re-read my email. I know I sound like a wanker but that's because warm hearted doesn't come naturally to me. I regret sending it. I feel shame. Say something nice immediately!

I love the way my therapist looks at me when I’m just spewing a bunch of ******** and excuses. Usually about my eating habits since that’s mainly what we talk about. Google Squidward meme and the 3rd one down on the left side of the page is how she’s always looking at me when I talk about crap.

Geez, I want to call you to get my session back today - but what's the point. In 3 weeks you'll be gone for 2 weeks and I won't have any sessions; then when you get back, I don't get sessions on Wednesday at all... so why go today... why go any Wednesday between now and then? I have to get used to it being gone - you being gone.

I've finished my letter to Steve, and put it in a September folder on my computer, so I am not tempted to mess with it. I'm used to editing things and making them sound perfect/pretty. There's no way I can do that, or no way that I should, with this.

It's going to end up being between me and you and Steve...and God, whatever that may be.

P.S. If you would call this 'brave', then being brave makes me feel sick.