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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 03:49 PM
  #621
Dear covering IOP T: Please say yes. Thanks, Kit

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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 04:02 PM
  #622
You were strange today. But I was just focusing on what you were saying and what my current therapist and I are working on that I didn’t give my transference T a thought the entire session. I did throw out a bit of shade when I said “she didn’t immediately say I needed to go to the hospital the way some therapists would.” I don’t know if you understood I was being shady since people don’t always get it.

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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 05:59 PM
  #623
Still wondering why you mentioned the test. You likely know the impact that would have on me, almost regardless of the result. Did you forget who you were writing to for a second?


Back to trusting you, although that is hard...

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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 06:30 PM
  #624
Dear T,
Sorry for asking that--I doubt you'll have anything, and I have a limited window that morning anyway, so the chances of it working out are slim. Plus you probably won't get picked for a jury anyway. I think it's the not knowing that's difficult for me and that you won't know until they make a decision that day. And if you did get picked, then it would be day to day as well, unless they say to plan for at least a week or something.

Hm...I guess this ties in for me with the whole uncertainty of the pandemic, doesn't it? And my anxiety around that?

Love,
LT
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 09:36 PM
  #625
Hey T. I am feeling increasingly guilty that i seem to be feeling strong feelings in my sessions with E. Feelings that I don’t often feel with you.

What does that mean? That i shouldn’t work with you anymore? That would make me so sad! I’ve spent the last two sessions in E’s office curled up and holding tears in. Is it the art component? I don’t know. I know I have to tell you how we are starting to process stuff with J, and that is going to eff me up, i know it.
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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 12:42 PM
  #626
Hey Possible T: Thanks for texting me to check up on me and asking me if I was transitioning out of IOP yet. Thanks for telling me you though I needed more support when I transition from IOP to outpatient. I think you get me. I still want to give the other T a try because I think she might be good for me but I do appreciate you checking on me and asking if I am ready for a session. That makes me feel good. At least I feel wanted and not rejected. HUG Kit

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 02:37 PM
  #627
Please can you offer some clarity over what is happening this week?

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 03:46 PM
  #628
Usually therapy makes me feel like puking my guts out. But I’m looking forward to our session in the morning. I have good things to tell you.

I haven’t had the blue fruit tea or the mint aero bars in a long time. I think I’m finally at peace about her. I don’t want to feel like that again though. It was so tough to deal with and it lasted almost 9 months. But I do realize now she was not the right fit for me anymore.

I also skip the song Halls by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness now. I was listening to it every single night until a few weeks ago because it reminded me so much of her.

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 05:03 PM
  #629
I wish I could talk with you right now.

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 06:32 PM
  #630
I can't do this. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do this. Watching a drama in TV, one that I would normally have turned off by now, but this didn't crop up until the last of four episodes and a part of me does want to finish it. I can barely even watch things like this. I can barely even stand the thoughts in my head. I can't bare to have anyone look me in the eyes because I'm terrified that by looking at my eyes they will see what happened to me. I can't bare to have anyone know what happened. How am I ever going to be able to share these things with another human being face to face. How am I ever going to be able to do any of this.
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 05:43 AM
  #631
When you are lovely, you are lovely.
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 07:52 AM
  #632
Thinking of you this morning.
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 10:58 AM
  #633
Roll on tomorrow's session. The past week has been hard.

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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 11:24 AM
  #634
I thought you were in your late 30’s early 40’s but you are my exact age. That kinda blew my mind and has me thinking.

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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 01:33 PM
  #635
Dear T,
I'm getting the sense, further supported by something you said today, that I might be rather similar in personality to your wife. Maybe that partly explains some past issues/conflicts we've had (see: countertransference), maybe not.

Also, I feel like your being late (even though you let me know), plus the focus issues of your camera, sort of threw off the session for me. It was ultimately helpful, the last part in particular, but it just felt disjointed and rather distant for the first half or so. But maybe that was partly about the stuff with your having jury duty, where I was distancing myself, I don't know.
Love,
LT
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 02:20 PM
  #636
Dear Dr S.

I'm struggling and not struggling at the same time. Lots of wanting and missing, wishing we could talk - just talk. Not therapy except it is therapy. Which is why we can't talk. It is therapy because so much of my therapy is about experiencing that positive regard. You are feeling like mommy and I want you here. The struggling is just because you are not here. I wish I could figure out how to feel hereness when you are not here.

-me
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 03:20 PM
  #637
Dear T,
Well, I guess today's conversation was well-timed, because D's teacher told H at pickup that she'd had a rough day, and she was going to email us. H said that I had intended to email her anyway (I'd told him about our conversation). Dreading receiving this email. Hope it won't be so bad that I'll wish we were meeting tomorrow instead of Friday...
Love,
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 06:45 PM
  #638
And I'm back here again. In this f@£&ing dark and horrible place. Alone. Seriously tempted to email and say I can't do this. To call it off. To go back to Temp T. At least it felt like she was there. That she cared. Right now I have no idea what I am going to do. Bet you'd be secretly glad to get rid of me anyway.
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 08:55 PM
  #639
Hey T. I really don't know if I can believe you that I couldn't have created my own self-hatred and disgust. That it came from my childhood/how I was raised. It is SO hard when I have such little memory. Thanks for being you.
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Default Oct 27, 2021 at 09:09 PM
  #640
Dear T, I don't know what to think about the way we ended our session today. I felt good as we looked back at the progress I had made. But as I left I began wondering if you were setting me up to end our therapy sessions. I haven't felt anxiety that strong in months. You said that I could email or call you after EMDR sessions if I was struggling - but can I call you for reassurance about this?

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