Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

E-Why are my feelings so confused? I don’t even know how to make art about it. I feel weirdly bad about being “ok” today. I really do think part of it is being on a muscle relaxer right now.

I guess because im in the area but I miss transference T today and I bought 10 mint Aero bars.

i wish i could say at next week's appt, 'i shouldn't have come here today'!

Frank Turner's songs speak volumes to me. This one feels like a gift.
More words that I could borrow.

Frank Turner - A Wave Across The Bay, Grand Aid - Live, 28th July 2020 - YouTube

Looking forward to Monday, especially as I get to leave work an hour early, and as an added bonus won’t have to worry about saying no to the frankly ridiculous laundry runs we’re having to do at the moment. I’m used to the town you live in, now, but still hate the town the other home in our company is based in!
Plus I’ll hopefully, finally be able to take the futon cushion. It’s going to go beautifully with the floor rug I found, provided I can get a base delivered to my new home.

Dear T,
I managed to not email you last night. I sort of composed the email in my head, but didn't even get to the point of typing any of it up (what I wrote on here doesn't count). Talked about it a bit with H, which helped. And now there's potential good news (or at least not dire news) coming out about the variant. I'm sure you'd have been fine with my emailing and would have said something supportive this morning, but I also know I need to work on coping methods that don't involve you directly (your voice in my head doesn't count).

I do wish I was seeing you tomorrow instead of Monday--this long weekend just feels, well, extra long because aside from seeing my parents Thursday, we aren't doing much. Too cold to eat outside, plus D recovering from her shot (mostly doing OK, just has sniffles). Maybe I'll go someplace briefly tomorrow to get out of the house for a bit before my booster Monday.

Love and miss you,
LT

You never apologized for your role in what happened to me. Would you? The closest was an explanation. You definitely ****ed up on the diagnosis. Something you admitted. I appreciate that. But can I trust you? What if I get ill again?

My records confirm what I have always suspected and complained about over and over. They are filled with examples of confirmation and anchoring bias, along with fundamental attribution error. The entire "team" was guilty of this. This is why I never got better until I decided to put a stop to treatment and all the pills. This also explains why serotonin toxicity was misdiagnosed. In that state the history I provided should have been questioned. It was unreliable. The ED doctors noticed it but psychiatry refused to believe them.

The service failed me.

I ate a mint Aero bar when I was close to Transference T's office. Now I am home and not thinking about her anymore. Its weird how those things work. Will my mind always be connected to her and those candy bars and when I miss her I can just pull one out and eat it? Seems like thats the case.

Will we have to go back to remote and for how long? Since I'm not moving there wouldnt be that insane pain of not being able to see you that I had with the therapist I was doing video sessions with while in the process of moving. But yeah I wonder if you'll have a plan in place when I see you on wednesday. Like if things got suddenly bad the way they did in march 2020

Thinking about you and hoping you're starting to feel better. But I promise to leave you alone and post here instead. If you cancel again this coming week, I will ask for details (whether you like it or not) because, well, covid.

L,
You say big needs are okay? And that you try to keep the relationship balanced? Then why are your needs more important than mine?

L,
How do you do that? Sometimes we're so in sync, it's scary. Thank you. You took time out of your vacation to write to me when you thought of me. That's all I wanted: to hear from you. I was mad at you and was feeling abandoned. Now I'm good. I love you.

Hey L. Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better and that you don't have covid again. I'm really fighting with myself right now to stay positive since the news about the new variant broke. Maybe I'll give what you said a try for the rest of today and just completely not look at anything covid-related. I was talking with my sister earlier and she said she's struggling too but not with sadness/depression, it's with her own internal anger at the anti-vaxxers. She's pissed and no longer caring who knows it. I told her I've never learned how to let myself be angry - I so quickly turn it inward on myself and it becomes the sadness and depression. I know I have the tools to deal with this. Why am I not using them? Most of all more than anything else though I'm worried for you.
well I guess at least we got to start processing this ending together (i can't help but wonder now if I somehow knew something and that's why I felt so driven to start this ending processing when I did, you being sick now kinda puts the whole 'i need to leave before you leave me' thing in a new light doesn't it) and I can be grateful for that if nothing else.

but, please be okay...

One of the highlights of this weekend has been watching the first two instalments of the new Beatles documentary. Hearing them jam 'Stand By Me' took my breath away for a few minutes.

I set everything up just as I did the last time a major George Harrison documentary came out. There were moments when I felt Chris was with me, and that was what I needed.

I’m actually kinda relieved you cancelled the curry for tomorrow, not that I wasn’t looking forward to making it, but an art session will be much better after the hectic week I’ve had since we last met. And I’m so glad I’m able to leave work early to come and see you. I really need a break!

I miss you. A lot. I think of you. A lot. I hope you are doing ok. I hope things have settled down for you. I wish there was some way I could repay the kindness and compassion and patience you showed me..... Maybe there is. Maybe. Maybe I am?

I’m not sure why this popped in my head, but I decided to watch the show you mentioned that relates to something from my upbringing. I don’t want to discount the experiences of these people, but this isn’t the truth as I know it. So these things you’ve heard, these…exaggerations…how does this influence how you view my childhood? My family? Me?

Me again. This evening I crocheted again, made another hat. I've decided to make one every evening the rest of this week and then box them up and donate them someplace on Friday. Hopefully, after I see you. I have a really bad feeling though that you're going to cancel again. I promise I am not going to bother you. I can use my tools (one of them being crocheting to keep me calm, another practicing gratitude), stay away from the news, pray, and think good thoughts until I hear from you on Friday either cancelling or confirming.

E, this might be another week with no art. I feel like I am failing, though I bet you would disagree.