Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

Dear T.

Dreaming about you and Old T. Last night and again this morning. (I'm on the night shift).

I quite like dreaming about it all because at least then I can feel some kind of connection, or some kind of movement.

Only snag is I wake up and realise that you didn't write me a letter. Old T didn't find me a good replacement etc. I wake up and realise that nothing has changed.

I am still confused and I am still stuck!

See, this is why you never let anyone in. Never let anyone close.

14 days to go. I don't want to be counting the days, but under the circumstances...

I'm extremely impatient to talk to you about all this. Are you just fine with all this? Am I?

I have about 10 emails to you in my drafts, but I haven't clicked send yet.

Dear T,
You were kind of a **** about that one thing today. I get how it could be seen that I was being a bit hypocritical, but the difference is, I stopped as soon as I learned it might be unsafe. And I know in your mind, the scenario you were in was pretty safe, but with delta out there and my having a child who is too young to be vaccinated, I still feel like I want to have all the information to be able to make an informed decision, whether seeing you in person unmasked feels safe to me or not.

And your whole thing of "I couldn't get out of it," like, you didn't tell me what exactly the event was, but I suspect you could have if you'd really wanted to. So, just own it and say you chose to be there. Also bothered me that you denied making the comment about having to go to events like that periodically--I know you said it! (If you hadn't...why would I have been concerned about it?)

Otherwise, thanks for being there as I sobbed about my fears for what could be coming this fall/winter. And for trying to give me perspective on that. And how worrying without doing anything won't get me anywhere (even though of course I know this). I think working on getting me to regularly accomplish *something* will help, so I'm hoping you can in fact help me to do that.

And I'm glad you're willing to have me let you know closer to the time if I'm going to see you in person one or more days next week (and to know that you're still offering that option).

Love,
LT

Today was a welcome reprieve from some of the crap going through my head at the moment.

I need to cherish these moments.

I missed my transference T kinda a lot this afternoon. With my new T I got a confirmation text about my appointment on Monday. I have stuff to tell her but I’m just not feeling it. I swear it’s almost like I want to have feelings for her but I just don’t.

Hey L, thank you again. That was such a nice surprise. I found the perfect place in my office to put her.

I had a dream last night about transference T. I emailed her and I said after 5.5 months things were still tough and I still really missed her.

Then I woke up and I didn’t want to email her anymore but I want to discuss my transference and feelings with my old T with my current T on Monday.

I’m not sure if this coming Monday is our last session or not. I think I may have one or 2 more until I’m switched over to the new one. But I’m sure she won’t just be like “hey, she is taking in new clients now and will see you next week.” I think or at least I hope we’d have a goodbye session.

Dear 'new???' T,

Hmmmmm. Not sure what to say really. Thank you for replying to my email. That you are willing to take the time to do so will be helpful to me I think. I think. I really don't know what I am doing here. I feel TOTALLY out of my depth! Last time I had to do this at least I had Old T to bounce ideas off. I guess maybe I am still not as good at reading situations/reading people/reading myself as I would like to be. I do think this is going to take some time. How the hell someone is supposed to tell if the therapist is someone they can work with in just 30 minutes is absolutely beyond me. It seems a crazy idea to me. I think it will take me weeks. Last time I did this I saw three people on and off for about 2 months before I finally decided which one to go with!

This si so important to me. Secrets so closely guarded that I am not going to just spill that to someone without being ABSOLUTELY sure they are the right person. My T was the right person. Is the right person. I am kicking myself for not getting this done quicker. I'm not usually one for regrets but I do regret not covering this ground with her while I had the chance.

I was going through my old art journals today, and I think I will let you see them. The old ones. Not the current one. That is not for public viewing yet. Again, I need to make sure you are the right person first. But the old ones would help me to explain to you the journey that I have been on, or some of it at least. It would lead into my relationship with T and the hurt and anger I am feeling for the way things have been left between us. That isn't so deep. That can be shared.

Bouncing back a bit, the emails are important to me because in the moment in the session I am quite cut off sometimes I think. I can't give you real answers. I can't be open. I can't hear you or see you all that easily. Once I come home I have time to process everything that I remember and thoughts, feelings, ideas, honesty comes. If we don't have the ability to communicate outside of the session I am then stuck with that, only to repeat the cycle next time we meet. I am willing to try that with the other lady that I have a few sessions booked with but in all honesty I am drawn to your flexibility and I am drawn to your openness to communicate in this way by email.

We may need to have a discussion about your experience though, as it is on my mind. That said, your liveliness, while new to me, may be a good thing. My T did say that I needed someone with enough energy to be able to do this work with me. She sees how committed I am to doing it and needs someone who can match that back to me. Maybe we just see how it goes, hey?

Eleven days. One day at a time is still the best policy, but I am struggling with the things I now know that I cannot share with anyone else.

I just went back to look at my old appointments. My mom needed some info. But I’ve had 15 appointments (the 16th one is tomorrow) total with 2 different therapists since ending things with transference T on Feb 23. So why the **** can’t I still not get her out of my head?

Maybe you’ll think I’m still slightly in denial, but I’m still not sure exactly how badly you perceive my “history” to be. You have helped me to see things more clearly, which is a bit of a double edged sword but there’s no turning back, now, only rebuilding, fixing, and hopefully I won’t need to resort to any demolition.

I managed to write my letter to Steve last night. Still trying to convince myself that it's not one of those projects that needs to be drafted and redrafted.

Ok, so texting your counsellor friend 'pretending' to be a client looking to work with her really wasn't the smartest decision I ever made. Not least because when she text back last week I ignored it, so she text back again today. I felt I had to be honest with her, so I told her I wasn't just looking for counselling, but that in my deep hurt and real confusion I sent the message, knowing that it probably wasn't the most sensible thing to do. Thing is, I was actually having a good day until that happened! I do shoot myself in the foot sometimes. Ah well, give it more time I guess.

I was thinking yesterday about the future, for us. What will it entail? Nothing? One more session? A brief encounter to 'recover' my belongings? A couple of months of work? Finishing this off? No official work contact but maybe the odd letter and Christmas card from me to you, and maybe you'd reply by email?

I think that's where some of the confusion comes from. The not knowing.

I was thinking though, I don't know if I will be able to see you again. I don't know how I feel about that, after what you have done here. In a way maybe it's a little tiny bit like when someone is terminally ill and they say "don't go and see them like that. Don't let that be the last memory that you have of them. Remember them in a good way". I am trying to hold on to all of the good work that we did. All of the times that you were there for me, regardless of what was going on. All of the times you stood there, strong, firm, stable and kind as I pushed and pulled against you, loving you and hating you, swinging from one extreme to the other as I tried to navigate my way through everything.

That's how I want to remember you. That's how I need to remember you, and if you can't be that person again, maybe I am better off not seeing you. Maybe I am better off leaving things as they are.........

I wrote this poem for Old T 5 years ago now. I was looking back through my art journals thinking about showing them to new T, and I came across it. These words could have been written for you, too...

When the world looked bleak and bare, I turned around and saw you there,
A shining light upon barren land, I reached out and you took my hand.

A constant guide in stormy seas, over still meadows a gentle breeze,
Kind and patient, yet safe and strong, together we did walk along.

Along a path that was freshly laid, with you by my side I felt less afraid.
Your very nature gave me time, while my walls you tried to climb.

A part of me I did not know, allowed to be, allowed to grow.
I'm not sure how, but deep inside, you touched my heart, I could not hide.

It saddens me but you must leave, our time together I will grieve.
Keep moving forwards, no turning back, the thought of you keeps me on track.

I don't want to say goodbye, nor walk away with head held high.
A picture of you in my mind's eye set, what you have given me, I will never forget.

I love you.

I'm still waffling on if I want to come this week or not. I had a pretty cool dream the other night that I'm working with and will want to discuss with you, but so far that's the only thing. But, that's enough I suppose! I can always play in the sand too.


I need to stop being lazy too as far as my dreams - the past 2 nights I woke up from dreams but was too lazy to write them down, I just fell back asleep and of course forgot them. I must stop that!! I want my dreams!

You were helpful today. Even if I left your office in a depression. But it wasn’t you. If I need to get over this thing with transference T it may get tougher before it gets better. I hope things go as easily as you say they will with the new T. I thought it was interesting that you are the same age as my transference T. Yet I have zero transference with you. So I’m not sure exactly what was so attractive about her.

You validate my feelings while also pushing me and can see through my ********. I mentioned being ghosted by 2 therapists at once and I had gone to the ER that weekend because I had chest pains and I thought I had a blood clot from my surgery and it was just post op pain but I was on muscle relaxers so I was feeling like crap physically. You said “it was a lot going on” and the way you said that just made me feel completely validated.

I’m not sure how hard it will be to transfer to someone else. Although you have confidence it will be a smooth transfer.