Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

I sent an email to my therapist today saying I think I need to take a break. I hate to admit, even here, that him leaving, whenever that happens, is still feeling difficult for me. It still feels like a rejection or abandonment even though he doesn't want it to feel that way for me. Yesterday I asked him if he'd made a decision about end-of-year yet. He said he hadn't but he said that if he was still here that's when we would start tapering down. That triggered some deeply embedded crap that I'm not sure how to deal with. I want to be able to deal with it in a "oh, he's leaving, carry on" kind of way, but that's so not what I feel about the situation. Instead I've been doing a lot of crying and feeling like almost everybody in my life has left me in some form or fashion.

Oh, and he hasn't responded after about 8 hours. I guess he'll respond before we're supposed to meet Saturday, time TBD.

Thats the one i have! It is a great name, isnt it? The ingredients seemed more reasonable to me.

I feel for you, NP. I feel like this termination process has been all over the place, leaving you floundering in the wind. he needs to set some boundaries around this. Does he just not know his schedule and that’s what has been effing up your schedule. you can’t live internally in limbo.

I used pinto beans, the no-soak method. So 1 lb dry unsoaked beans, ~5 cups liquid, 45 minutes with natural release. I kind of make up the rest as I go.

Tonight: Saute bacon using the saute feature, scoop out the bacon pieces and add diced onion, saute and stir in the seasoning to the onion...a little fresh thyme and oregano, spices (smoked paprika, chipotle, coriander, black pepper, but no salt, add that after cooking). Dump in the dried beans, a pint of salsa and a quart of tomato juice for the liquid, frozen ham bone. Pressure cook. Natural release. Put the bacon pieces back in.

I made the rice separately in the rice cooker, forgot about the kale but usually I'd roast it to go in the bowl with the rice and beans. Served it with avocado and fresh sliced tomatoes.

I gather the only reason he's still here is because COVID happened and his school went online. I think he's done with school next May, but then has to do some other hands-on stuff. I don't really know to be honest, but he said he's definitely moving there next May. There are only 5 states that allow psychologists to prescribe and my state isn't one of them. I have no idea what his eventual plan is. He told me at one time that it was 50/50 that he'd be back here doing the same thing he's doing now after he graduated.

It really sucks being the collateral damage in what seems like his mid-life crisis.

Thanks, Velcro. And I'm sorry you've (presumably) gone through it, too.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and completely understand wanting to take a break. I agree with what Velcro said on how it seem like he's leaving you "floundering in the wind." I know I would really struggle not having an actual set end date, but knowing it's coming eventually in the not-too-distant future.

Do you think it would help at all to set an actual date? Like if there's a chance he's leaving at the end of this year, to just decide that you're going to be done by then? And look for a new T in the meantime, to be ready?

I understand you want to work with him as long as possible, but the uncertainty just seems to be making it more stressful for you. Really, he just needs to make up his mind and tell you something more concrete. It sounds like *he's* having doubts about the decision to do this program and you're all caught up in that. Like you said, "collateral damage."

I hope you hear back from him soon, too.

If a therapist, or actually anyone, had been jerking me around like that for more than a year now, I’d be gone. So I think a break or a date is an excellent idea. You can limit the collateral damage done.

I agree with this. It has been so much harder on you, because of him dragging it out for 8+ months with no set end date. You can however set your own end date too though. You need closure not to be kept in limbo which does seem unethical too me.

Hope you can start looking for a new T who can provide you with some stability.

Hi Everyone.


Kit slowly collapses on the couch.


IOP was good last night. I'm just exhausted from the late nights (between IOP and my Religious Studies classes I'm not getting to bed before 8 and that is late for me). The IOP started with a process. Tell the group if you are having a safety/sobriety issue. Tell the group your stressors. Tell the group your high moment of the week and the low moment of the week and two things you've done for self care.


Then we took a break. Then we watched a Ted Talks video about Self Care is not Selfish. The thing that got me was when she said that the adult me is just as valuable as the 4 year old me. Even after all the mistakes I've made. Even after all the times I've hurt myself. I'm still as valuable as that little kid me. That almost got me to tear up. Then I related it back to my stressor (work) and said that if a coworker had that happen I would have been sympathetic but because it happened to me I was being all perfectionist with myself and that wasn't healthy.


Then we ended with the 3 G's. Something you are good at. Something you are grateful for. Something that is your short term goal for the week.


Today I meet with the IOP's individual therapist via Zoom. It's in about an hour. I'm a bit nervous about it because I know nothing about her except her name and that she is a CSW. It just says "Therapist" under her name. But the CSW is by her name. I don't know if we will be talking about me or talking about what I can get out of the program or what exactly. So I'm nervous.

Kit curls up with a pillow and a blanket.


I wanted more help and I am getting more help but it is also hard too. Good, but hard.

Merope kicks a piece of furniture and then angrily sits on the couch.

T forgot about our session this morning. Apologised profusely etc etc and he’s forgiven (almost), though I still feel angry and rejected. Need to muster up the courage to bring up my uncomfortable feelings next time I see him. I have a tendency to bury them under the carpet and say all is well.

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Hugs if wanted. That would feel very distressing to me as well. Has he offered to make up for it in any way, like have your next session sooner?

Thank you. He offered a free of charge session at my next appointment…seems years away but it’s ok. This never happened before and he was very apologetic…but part of me is childish and doesn’t want to respond yet.

This really is a great opportunity Accept that childish part and let it speak freely to you. Dont censor it! Im so excited for you! I had one of my biggest breakthrus when my t double-booked me. My "mini-me" had a LOT to say! Things i didnt know i felt. Or rather, things i never allowed myself to feel?

L and I are going to each light a candle every Friday evening to honor the time we've lost by reducing, and then take a picture and send it to eachother. She said she'll needed it too. Though I don't want her to hurt, it's nice to know this affects her too, that we have shared humanity in this loss.

The idiot university I work for is setting up a committee for student well being. Good god - let's coddle them more and encourage even more faux victims. I have not volunteered to serve on that one

I think that's lovely, Scarlet, and I hope it is helpful for you.

I'm sitting here this afternoon at the time my usual session would be wrapping up wishing this break had never come to be. I get it, it's how I expected I'd feel today, and I'll get over it. But, stupid feels....

Also I have an ear infection or something, my GP that I saw last Friday for a checkup looked at my ear and sent me to ENT, that can't get me in until Tuesday. I feel rather miserable when upright now, it's gotten progressively worse over the week. I plan to spend the weekend laying on the couch with that ear on a hot water bottle watching netflix. I just called them to see if they had any cancellations to come in sooner but they don't. Now they called and said they can't verify my insurance, go figure, I said I don't care I'm so miserable I'll self-pay and deal with the insurance later.

I am still hoping I might get my first mindful souls subscription box today. I tracked it and it looks like it's here in town so there is still a possibility that might happen. That'll salvage the day somewhat if it does come today!

I also think it sounds lovely.