Couch 231: Live Long and Prosper!

For some reason, I worked all day even though I didn't really need to. I think I might be trying to avoid my feelings.

Superspreader event.

In a way, it's really nice of him that he remembered you were cold one and kept it warmer, even if he was uncomfortable. But you're also right that he shouldn't have just assumed you'd always be cold.

When we were in person, I've told T a few times if it was too warm or cold, and he's adjusted the thermostat, which I appreciated. I've also asked him to close some blinds when it was particularly bright, which he's done.

With ex-T, once she had a space heater running, and I was dying of the heat. I asked if she could turn it off. She did, but then she grabbed a cardigan and was sort of huddled under it for the rest of the session, so I felt kinda bad. But being too warm makes me anxious, so it would have messed with the session for me.

I suppose that's one advantage of virtual therapy--I have complete control over the temp and brightness!

I never commented on the woman's office. I would not have wanted the woman to change temperatures or anything for me - it would have been asking the woman for a favor or making her think I was familiar enough to do so - and that would have been incorrect

Today I mentioned briefly to Dr. T that I've been having some neck issues (probably contacting an orthopedist later today) and how I'd found a few neck exercises that have helped me. He said he'd been having neck issues, too, then tried one of the exercises (pulling your chin back). Dr. T, "Well, I'm never trying that exercise again!" Me: "Sorry about that!" Dr. T: "If I drop dead now, they'll know I was talking to you when it happened!"

Hi everyone.

I had a lovely weekend. It was so nice to have free time. Dad and I worked on my Lego James Bond Car. We got about half of it put together. So much fun. I also got Amelia to the vet, that was quite a feat. And went to Church and went to the grocery store. I got gas, I washed my sheets, and watched some mystery movies. I also read the next chapter in the Nonfiction book I am reading. It was so delightful to have "free" time. This IOP (which I've only done two days) gives me NO FREE TIME during the week and it's intense. I am transferring my notes from the IOP from it's scribbled mess into a nice notebook. I already have lots of pages of notes and it's only been two days. Tonight will be my third class and I like the lady who leads the class. It's on Shame and Resilience. So I can only imagine what we are going to bring up. Stuff that causes us shame I imagine. Friday night's class only had three of us in it so we got really in depth with some stuff and also watched a lot of videos.


I've emailed former T asking almost for her blessing on this IOP but she hasn't responded. UGH. I just want to know if she thinks it is a good idea for me. My regular T Dr. K thought so. And my Pdoc thought so. I guess her opinion just still matters so much to me.


HUGS to anyone who needs or wants, Kit

My therapy session isn't until Friday and I am already anxious. I thought I understood what the terms of the self harm contract where but now I'm not sure. I don't want to go to therapy on Friday and have her upset with me or give me a consequence for not doing as she said (although I have no intention of doing what she said). But I'm just not sure what she meant now. I thought I knew, but the more I think about it, the more I am confused about it. I'm also going to take a day off of work next week so I can have a little more free time. That will be my third week of IOP so that seems like a good time to take a day off. I am going to take a day off that I don't have IOP. I am going to have a religious class that night but I might not go and have the whole day as down time. Since I don't have free time during the week right now, and that is really hard on me, I figure planning a day off will really help me mentally and emotionally. Does anyone else think this is a good idea? Should I email the T and ask her to clarify what she meant? (She didn't discuss outside communication so I have NO IDEA if it is okay to ask her or not.) I could text my case manager and ask him I suppose.

Hugs, Kit. I would clarify with the therapist what she meant. You could always say you were unclear if she gave you a consequence. I also don't feel like consequences are generally helpful for that sort of thing--maybe for some people they are, but for me, I would just feel punished and shamed, which would not help me psychologically.

No idea if you should go with emailing her or not. If you don't intend to do it, I'd honestly just wait until your session.

Taking a day off seems like a good idea--you have a lot going on!

So I called the orthopedist (technically a physiatrist, per the website, as they don't do surgeries) that my H has seen in the past, figuring it would be a long wait for an appointment. Nope, they had a cancellation tomorrow morning at a time that I can go, so that worked out! Though I'm afraid I'll go in and they'll just say "Your posture just sucks." Not that I want something to be wrong, of course. I imagine if nothing else, they'd give me some exercises and stretches to do to help my neck, which is likely preferable to random ones I found online. Possibly physical therapy, I don't know. Or maybe an MRI or something? (H has seen them for a couple different injuries, one sports-related, one not, though something that does happen to athletes, too. Think he had PT both times.)

Thanks LT.


I would much rather throw it in the trashcan than give it to my parents (way too much worry for them) but it's pointless because I'll just go buy another one.


I texted my case manager to ask him to ask the therapist what she meant. I don't know if she will tell him, confidentiality and all that but IDK if I can email her, although I have her email. I'm just obsessing over it and would like to put my mind at ease.


Yeah, I think a day off is a good idea. I am thinking Wednesday next week because Wednesdays are not usually too busy for me. I will enjoy the free time.


HUGS thanks for the reply Kit

My case manager said he would ask my therapist and then text me back the answer! I also texted him the picture of what I have done on the Lego James Bond car so far since we talked about it in the intake and also in group. He thought it looked cool!

I bought a Halloween tee shirt with Mickey Mouse on it, dressed as a vampire!

I'm debating whether or not I will go to Disneyland on the 25th. I might not because of Covid. But I did get my flu shot (already got my Covid shots) so I might. I don't know yet. If I do I am wearing that Mickey Mouse shirt.

This IOP is completely voluntary right? Surely they don't treat adult clients like children by giving them consequences. If they do, I'd be inclined to quit the whole thing. But you obviously need some clarification about what you agreed to. If you have a case manager, that's probably a good place to start on getting clarification or asking about outside communication with the therapist.

Yes, this IOP is voluntary. I did ask the case manager and he is going to talk to the therapist and get an answer and then get back to me. I assume she will talk to him but maybe not because of confidentiality. She did say she was an intern T so I have no idea who her supervisor is but she said that the case manager assigned her my case so I wonder if he is her supervisor. That makes sense, right? I don't know. We didn't talk about what the consequences would be if I didn't follow the self harm plan. I guess we should have. She made me sign it and hold the paper up to the camera so she could see my signature. Rolling eyes. The whole thing felt very juvenile to me. Like not treating me as an adult then either. But I don't know. Maybe I am just looking for a way to sabotage this. I am hopeful the case manager will get back to me tonight because I am ruminating about it. What I might do is throw away my blade and then order another one from Amazon so I could tell her that I got rid of it. There is NO WAY I am giving it to my parents though. That is way too much for them. Our whole relationship is built on me protecting my parents not the other way around. I mean, my parents love me and stuff but they don't handle this stuff well at all. I can't imagine if I gave them what I use that it will go over well. But because we didn't talk about the consequences, I'm going to worst case scenario where she could have me thrown out of the program or something. And I desperately want this to work so I hope that isn't an option for her.

Trigger warning for suicidal actions (not mine....this time)

The case manager got back to me and said that the therapist said that I only have to give up what I use if I am in danger of using it. Thank GOODNESS. Not that I plan to do that either but, it's better than the alternative. I hope this is only a one week contract. Because I was really not on board with that whole part. I really should have been more assertive. I'm just not that assertive in general. It's something I need to work on.

Slumber, what im hearing in your posts right now is what ive been hearing in my own head - namely that i am allowed to do what i want to do! My parents never understood what i wanted to do, so if i wanted it, then it must be bad. Which is ridiculous. Like, wanting to be a nurse or a teacher was not bad or stupid!

So its been very hard for me to accept or learn or believe that what i want to do is okay. I dont need anyone elses approval. Who is waiting for MY approval?! Right? Wth! The hardest thing is to do good for myself. But when i do it, honestly i feel the angels smile.

I think the important thing being missed, is why do you not want to give up your tools, Kit? I'm not saying either way is right or wrong. Just that if you do want to give up SH, do you know why you seem so adamant on not giving them up or at least getting them out of reach?

I still have mine even though it's been 7 years? I know why I keep mine. I do keep it in a locked box in the back of my closet so it's not easily accessible. I just wonder if you know why you're keeping yours so accessible? No need to answer here!

It took me about six months to give up my SH tools after the last time I SH'd. It was just nice to know they were there.

This is brilliant. Picture?