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Old 10-13-2021, 12:30 PM   #601
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For me, understanding the context for my delusions was a crucial part of developing my ability to regain a shared reality - the opposite of a slippery slope. It was not about indulging a deeper or hidden meaning, but rather asking what the delusion was representing and what resonance did that have for me.

For example, I believed my medication contained nanotechnology which was being used by nefarious administrators to track my behaviour as part of a larger plan to control the population. Convincing me otherwise was pointless. Working with me about what this delusion represents - my lack of control, my bodily boundaries being intruded upon, violations by authority figures - uncovered how I was stuck with the trauma of real life sexual exploitation from a medical professional.

It's quite common practice to accept that a delusion has some seed of reality and working with that seed is what re-roots reality (torturous metaphor, sorry). I am sure this approach wouldn't be helpful for everyone and obviously many therapists aren't up to the work of it, but I feel strongly that it was life changing for me. When I experience symptoms now, I can look for the seed and it helps. Ignoring, dismissing or otherwise discounting the delusion doesn't help me.
I think if psychosis is related to trauma then yeah that can be helpful. But many people with psychosis don't have symptoms related to some sort of trauma. I was sexually abused by my teenage therapist among other things and I found that some of my symptoms were trauma related but some just weren't and it wasn't helpful to try to pin that down with some sort of reasoning
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Old 10-13-2021, 12:36 PM   #602
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In my experience, my delusions weren't really something I could say wasn't real and try to find out where its coming from. My delusions were very real to me at the time. I also didn't like when ppl would try to argue me out of it
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Old 10-13-2021, 12:59 PM   #603
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I have a lot I can/should be doing, but I have no energy for it. I'm really lacking motivation.

Btw - 18 days no smoking!
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Old 10-13-2021, 01:23 PM   #604
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Wow, Scarlet, 18 days is great!
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Old 10-13-2021, 02:56 PM   #605
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Great job Scarlet! 18 days is fantastic!
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:08 PM   #606
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Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:37 PM   #607
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Hugs/dignified head nods all around as appropriate. Lots going on up in the ol' noggin right now but precious little of it is making it into my journal. Oh well!


I want pizza. H and I ate at Screaming Banshee Pizza when we were in Bisbee and it was SO delicious. He was just saying today that he wants to drive down there again just to get pizza, it was that good. It's wood fired and super-thin crust. Yum. I was like hell yes, let's go back this weekend. It's close enough for a day trip (like 90 minutes) so why not? haha
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:38 PM   #608
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Hugs, Kit. I hope you're able to get a T soon from the new place.

You mention IOP T still being in supervision--it could be that her supervisor is the one saying she can't continue to see you, rather than IOP T making the decision herself. I'm not sure if that would help at all with the rejection feelings.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:40 PM   #609
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Default Re: Couch 232: Not Sully!

I'm sorry you're going through this, Kit. It sounds so painful.
If your T is still in training, then I can see both sides.
You have finally found a T that you feel can help you, and she may be feeling stretched.

However, that's no reason to make you feel rejected.

I think it's probably more to do with where she would stand legally than anything else.
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Old 10-13-2021, 04:02 PM   #610
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Hugs, Kit. I hope you're able to get a T soon from the new place.

You mention IOP T still being in supervision--it could be that her supervisor is the one saying she can't continue to see you, rather than IOP T making the decision herself. I'm not sure if that would help at all with the rejection feelings.
Well one thing I give her credit for was that she owned the decision. She didn't place the responsibility on her supervisor. She said she thought I was too high risk. She said it was one thing when I have a team of people but it would be another thing when it would be just her.


I'd cry if I did actually cry which I don't. I can feel the self loathing on me, coming up from within me. I can't help my history/symptoms but I feel like I am being judged based on my history/symptoms. So I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place. I am hopeful this new place will find me a therapist that will work for me and be fabulous.
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Old 10-13-2021, 04:11 PM   #611
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I'm sorry you're going through this, Kit. It sounds so painful.
If your T is still in training, then I can see both sides.
You have finally found a T that you feel can help you, and she may be feeling stretched.

However, that's no reason to make you feel rejected.

I think it's probably more to do with where she would stand legally than anything else.
Yes, I agree. I know that therapists are supposed to refer you out if they don't feel you are within their competence. It's just frustrating because she's been seeing me for over a month. She has been seeing me twice a week so it feels longer. I think I have more confidence in her than she has in herself. I know she is probably afraid of getting sued but I would never sue her and my parents are not the suing sort. But it is what it is and I have to accept it. Even if it makes me sad and is painful and makes me loathe myself.
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Old 10-13-2021, 04:38 PM   #612
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The new place that I contacted for a T got back to me and said that all their therapists who take my insurance are full but if I want to go self pay ($120 a session) I could do that. Sounds scammy. So I got out the list from my insurance company and I contacted one of the T's from there. I hope she gets back to me. I hate this part of looking for a T. Sigh.
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Old 10-13-2021, 04:45 PM   #613
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The new place that I contacted for a T got back to me and said that all their therapists who take my insurance are full but if I want to go self pay ($120 a session) I could do that. Sounds scammy. So I got out the list from my insurance company and I contacted one of the T's from there. I hope she gets back to me. I hate this part of looking for a T. Sigh.
$120 is cheaper than Info and Visa for an hour, though Visa takes insurance.

Yup, I hate that part too.
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Old 10-13-2021, 04:53 PM   #614
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$120 is cheaper than Info and Visa for an hour, though Visa takes insurance.

Yup, I hate that part too.
I don't think $120 is out of the question. I just think that they are bait and switching. Their whole premise is like, oh we'll help you find someone that takes your insurance and get you in fast. And then they are like, oh every one who takes your insurance is full. No asking if you want to be on a waiting list or anything. Maybe I am just jaded against therapists right now. But I need one ASAP.
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Old 10-13-2021, 06:55 PM   #615
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I don't think $120 is out of the question. I just think that they are bait and switching. Their whole premise is like, oh we'll help you find someone that takes your insurance and get you in fast. And then they are like, oh every one who takes your insurance is full. No asking if you want to be on a waiting list or anything. Maybe I am just jaded against therapists right now. But I need one ASAP.

I'm thinking that maybe they just don't have anyone who takes insurance available, so they want to try to offer someone. It could be that those who take insurance have long waiting lists as well. If that charge would be doable for you, it could be worth trying the therapist out who could see you. And then you could try to look for other ones who do take your insurance in the meantime. Or ask to get put on a waiting list there, too.
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Old 10-13-2021, 06:58 PM   #616
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Could you drive farther away if you found someone in person and you saw them on the weekend? Maybe give less money to your church/charities and spend it on your own health for a while until you are feeling better. Taking care of yourself instead of giving it away is not wrong.
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Old 10-13-2021, 07:05 PM   #617
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$120 is cheaper than Info and Visa for an hour, though Visa takes insurance.

Yup, I hate that part too.
It is cheaper by just a little bit than what both the first woman and the second woman were charging. But they were in person with offices/overhead and they were grossly overpaid. I would find $120 a lot for online where all they need is a computer.
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Old 10-13-2021, 08:29 PM   #618
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I don't think $120 is out of the question. I just think that they are bait and switching. Their whole premise is like, oh we'll help you find someone that takes your insurance and get you in fast. And then they are like, oh every one who takes your insurance is full. No asking if you want to be on a waiting list or anything. Maybe I am just jaded against therapists right now. But I need one ASAP.
Sorry, I was just trying to say, very unclearly, that if it were a scam they could ask for more. Probably the therapists who take your insurance are popular for that very reason.

Could someone else at the IOP recommend someone?
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Old 10-13-2021, 08:31 PM   #619
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Around here every psychiatrist and therapist in private practice is self-pay, do not accept insurance, etc. We are stuck with the county mental health clinic, where staff are overworked and underpaid, which leads to long waits between appointments and to quick turnover. My youngest has had 4 counselors in the past 12 months, for example. They bill my insurance $185 per hour. I'm not responsible for the full amount, but that makes me shy away from looking for private practitioners, because there's absolutely no way I can afford that.

Good luck Kit!

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Old 10-13-2021, 09:09 PM   #620
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Around here every psychiatrist and therapist in private practice is self-pay, do not accept insurance, etc. We are stuck with the county mental health clinic, where staff are overworked and underpaid, which leads to long waits between appointments and to quick turnover. My youngest has had 4 counselors in the past 12 months, for example. They bill my insurance $185 per hour. I'm not responsible for the full amount, but that makes me shy away from looking for private practitioners, because there's absolutely no way I can afford that.

Good luck Kit!

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I'm sorry you have to deal with that, especially with your youngest.

It's worth checking into whether private, self-pay practitioners might have a sliding scale. My T does, for example, and I recall when I was looking for a potential new T in the past that many had it listed on their Psychology Today profile. Many T's build that into their pricing, assuming that they'll have a certain number of sliding scale clients (I asked Dr. T about it once).

Also, know that those therapists definitely are NOT getting that full $185 from the insurance company--probably more like $50, if that. (It should say on your explanation of benefits from the insurance company.) So T's do better financially as self-pay, even if they have a considerable number of sliding scale clients.

And you should see if your insurance offers any out-of-network benefits, as I get half reimbursed, even though my T is out of network (previous plan reimbursed 60%).
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