Couch 232: Not Sully!

Squid Game was so violent yet had a story I got sucked into. I also really enjoyed Midnight Mass on Netflix (except for one scene that had a trigger related to my trauma history). Hollow Knight is a video game, not a show FYI.

I have a lot I can/should be doing, but I have no energy for it. I'm really lacking motivation.

Btw - 18 days no smoking!

Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.

Around here every psychiatrist and therapist in private practice is self-pay, do not accept insurance, etc. We are stuck with the county mental health clinic, where staff are overworked and underpaid, which leads to long waits between appointments and to quick turnover. My youngest has had 4 counselors in the past 12 months, for example. They bill my insurance $185 per hour. I'm not responsible for the full amount, but that makes me shy away from looking for private practitioners, because there's absolutely no way I can afford that.

Good luck Kit!

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Kit, Are you finding IOP helpful?

Loam dog is not doing his job, reminding you!

He’s too busy sleeping, eating, playing with his toys, or sunning his perineum (why does every dog I acquire do that?).

Alao why is youtube recommending a series of videos of capybaras earing a variety of giant vegetables?

I have a lead on a new T. I picked her name off the list from my insurance company. I liked her name so that's why I picked her. As good of a reason as any. She wasn't listed on Psychology Today so I couldn't get a look at her or her credentials or anything. She seems okay on the phone. She left me a voicemail. At least her voice is tolerable. It's not annoying or anything. I can't place the age from the voice though. She verified she does take my insurance and she is going to look at her telehealth schedule. The one thing that bothered me was that she said if I didn't hear back from her today to text her tomorrow because she is really busy today. Is that a sign that she is forgetful? I'm glad her practice is busy though, that seems like a good sign. If she was a bad therapist, maybe she wouldn't be busy. I hope she connects with me and I hope I connect with her and we click.

Also my case manager from IOP is going to try to help me find a T. I sent him the front and back of my insurance card so he can do some research and see who is in my area. I told him I was also open to telehealth (got used to it because of Covid) so if he needed to go a little further he could. So waiting for him to get back to me.