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ScarletPimpernel
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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 04:04 PM
  #1
Can you be numb and sad at the same time? If so how?

Can you be coping and dissociating at the same time? If so how?

How do you stop dissociating and feel the feelings that are underneath?

By dissociating, I don't mean freeze. L was trying to explain that it's a different type where you're like disconnecting from things emotionally.

I'm asking because I'm struggling with processing my sadness around losing a session a week. I know I'm extremely sad, but something is blocking me from accessing the sadness. And it's weird that not only am I not crying, but I don't have any urges to SH either. Yet I know there's a well of pain down inside me.

Btw, I can cry about other things. Like when I think about L possibly moving, I cry.

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 04:19 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry you are hurting and yet numb Scarlet. I really don't have the answers to your questions but I just want to send you some hugs. I hope you can work through your feelings whatever they are. I know I'm vacillating between numbness and too much emotions today myself.

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 04:55 PM
  #3
Sorry you're going back and forth too, Kit.

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 05:19 PM
  #4
Hey Scarlet - emotions are funny old things, I have come to learn. I can only imagine that the answer to the first question is yes, but I'm not sure entirely. I can only give you an analogy that I used today to describe to my Temp T how I am feeling both anger/resentment/hurt and love/care/understanding at the same time. Like a spinning coin. Each side holding a different thing, but when it spins you can see neither, despite the fact that they are both there, merging and 'dancing' with each other. But (for me at least) it feels impossible to hold both at the same time.

I am so sorry you are hurting and yet unable to access the hurt, and I am sorry I don't have answers to your other questions except that I can only imagine that the dissociation is serving a purpose, maybe to gradually allow you to witness the intense pain without becoming overwhelmed by it. Like a transparent protective sheet maybe.
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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 05:49 PM
  #5
I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

For the first question, I definitely feel that can be possible to be both sad and numb, as I've experienced it a few times--including something going on with me now. I don't really want to go into the current thing right now. But I've felt it before with the loss of some people I was close to, whether through death or just them leaving my life (like a breakup).

I feel like it's self-protective in a way, our minds trying to keep us from really feeling things that could really hurt. In my experience, it tends to then come out in other ways, like then I have what seems like an extreme reaction to something that is relatively minor in comparison.

An example that jumps to mind is my not reacting that much to my grandmother's death in...I don't know 2013? 2014? Because I loved her very much and had been close to her (though she declined quite a bit in her last few years, so maybe I'd already mourned her in a way?). But then reacting really intensely to learning of the death of my former marriage counselor's wife a year or two later. And she was someone I had never met. I think it's like I experienced that loss in the way I feel I *should* have felt that of my grandmother. Like displaced sadness.

Sort of like if you start sobbing at a movie or a song, and it feels really intense. Like, where did that come from? It's probably emotions you were holding in.

It could also be that you're coping better.
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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 08:56 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Waterbear View Post
Hey Scarlet - emotions are funny old things, I have come to learn. I can only imagine that the answer to the first question is yes, but I'm not sure entirely. I can only give you an analogy that I used today to describe to my Temp T how I am feeling both anger/resentment/hurt and love/care/understanding at the same time. Like a spinning coin. Each side holding a different thing, but when it spins you can see neither, despite the fact that they are both there, merging and 'dancing' with each other. But (for me at least) it feels impossible to hold both at the same time.

I am so sorry you are hurting and yet unable to access the hurt, and I am sorry I don't have answers to your other questions except that I can only imagine that the dissociation is serving a purpose, maybe to gradually allow you to witness the intense pain without becoming overwhelmed by it. Like a transparent protective sheet maybe.
I'm sorry you're going through these both/and feelings too. It's hard holding them all. L and I were talking about that too today: the sadness and connection coexisting at the same time. I used the analogy of two rough stones grinding against eachother. I like your analogy of a spinning coin too.

The dissociation must be a form of protection. But it's frustrating to me. I've been feeling very safe and connected to her through this. Maybe the dissociation isn't protecting me from her, but maybe from myself? Maybe both...

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 08:57 PM
  #7
This was a discussion my T and I had today (and many other times). I often know that sadness is there but can't feel nor do I actually know that it is sadness. I also cannot express the sadness. For me of it is a negative feeling it means sadness . I do not feel comfortable feeling negative emotions so I numb out. It is confusioning for me. Hugs Scarlet

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 09:02 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

For the first question, I definitely feel that can be possible to be both sad and numb, as I've experienced it a few times--including something going on with me now. I don't really want to go into the current thing right now. But I've felt it before with the loss of some people I was close to, whether through death or just them leaving my life (like a breakup).

I feel like it's self-protective in a way, our minds trying to keep us from really feeling things that could really hurt. In my experience, it tends to then come out in other ways, like then I have what seems like an extreme reaction to something that is relatively minor in comparison.

An example that jumps to mind is my not reacting that much to my grandmother's death in...I don't know 2013? 2014? Because I loved her very much and had been close to her (though she declined quite a bit in her last few years, so maybe I'd already mourned her in a way?). But then reacting really intensely to learning of the death of my former marriage counselor's wife a year or two later. And she was someone I had never met. I think it's like I experienced that loss in the way I feel I *should* have felt that of my grandmother. Like displaced sadness.

Sort of like if you start sobbing at a movie or a song, and it feels really intense. Like, where did that come from? It's probably emotions you were holding in.

It could also be that you're coping better.
Yes, I can relate. Nothing has triggered the tear though. Well, accept for thinking about L moving possibly next year. That's made me tearful, but not crying which it used to.

Part of me is thinking that the numbness is coming from my past experiences. Like here we go again, losing another person. My sister and I were talking about it just the other day, how good people leave us or die too early. I've always felt L is too good and I'm going to lose her somehow, someway. I try to cherish every.single.moment with her.

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 09:18 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by nottrustin View Post
This was a discussion my T and I had today (and many other times). I often know that sadness is there but can't feel nor do I actually know that it is sadness. I also cannot express the sadness. For me of it is a negative feeling it means sadness . I do not feel comfortable feeling negative emotions so I numb out. It is confusioning for me. Hugs Scarlet
I feel for you, Nottrustin. I'm usually not good with other negative emotions either.

This is all new to me. I'm usually a crier. Except one other time that I know of, when I was 7, and 8 people in my life died. My mom said I just stopped crying. My dad numbed out at the time too. Maybe this is just too much?

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Default Sep 22, 2021 at 04:30 AM
  #10
I think numbness usually happens *because* there's pretty strong emotions underneath. The mind doesn't feel ready to cope with all the emotions, so it tries to shut down emotionally. To me, this numbness is usually what I experience when I dissociate, if feelings become too strong, I sometimes suddenly switch to a state where I feel nothing at all. Yet, like you, I know that there's feelings underneath. I think you made a good point about it protecting you from yourself. Your brain knows that this is a extraordinary situation for you and that the feelings would be too much to cope with right now, so it tries to shut those feelings down and be numb instead.

Dissociation is a way of coping, though not the best one. It's a mechanism that should protect you from getting too hurt, and it's good at that, but ideally coping would mean working with the feelings.
As for how to stop, you probably have heard of the basics, try to do grounding exercises, mindfulness... but don't push yourself too much, in your shoes I'd probably try to get by until I have a session and do these things there, with L present. Then when the dissociation goes away and the strong feelings hit you, there's somebody there to help you cope with them in a good way.
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Default Sep 22, 2021 at 08:58 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
Can you be numb and sad at the same time? If so how?

Can you be coping and dissociating at the same time? If so how?

How do you stop dissociating and feel the feelings that are underneath?

By dissociating, I don't mean freeze. L was trying to explain that it's a different type where you're like disconnecting from things emotionally.

I'm asking because I'm struggling with processing my sadness around losing a session a week. I know I'm extremely sad, but something is blocking me from accessing the sadness. And it's weird that not only am I not crying, but I don't have any urges to SH either. Yet I know there's a well of pain down inside me.

Btw, I can cry about other things. Like when I think about L possibly moving, I cry.
I can definitely feel numb and sad at the same time - I don't particularly find them disparate experiences.

Dissociation IS a coping mechanism, albeit perhaps not the healthiest one in adults. For children it is protective and a survival instinct. That's how so many of us survived. As an adult, dissociation tended to get in the way of things. Learning to be present and cope with whatever was going on was important. As an adult, dissociating was avoidance for me.

Sadness is normal. It doesn't have to be overwhelming. I experience a great deal of sadness over my husband's death, but it doesn't necessitate being overwhelmed by the sadness or crying even.

Try this perspective: Perhaps you are simply experiencing a normal level of sadness over a (relatively) small loss of a bit of time with your therapist. It's not a major crisis, so you are responding in a way that is proportional to the event. I don't say that in any way to minimize your sadness, but perhaps you are so used to being emotionally overwhelmed that you "expect" a response that perhaps you are learning to grow beyond. You are learning to cope without things necessarily turning into a crisis. That seems like growth.

Last edited by ArtleyWilkins; Sep 22, 2021 at 09:23 AM..
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