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Old 10-11-2021, 01:25 PM   #1
tobee
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Default I am scared to go to my next appt.

I ve been seeing my T for a few months now.

She is very blunt and outspoken. Almost has no filter.

While my other Ts have been much gentler and just let me ramble on, this T calls me out on all my BS.
When I say call me out, i mean it in the most extreme sense. Where i feel like she hates me, is mocking me, can not stand me or is thinking i am a stupid person.

I let her.
At times, I even feel insulted but something keeps making me go back. I pay out of pocket, and i laugh at myself that i pay this person so much just to talk down to me. how much more crazy can you get?

But when she calls me out, it makes sense as well. she tells me to stop acting like a child, and be an adult. And if i want to continue being childish and do not want to change, then i should stop wasting both of our time

when i try to cancel an appt. she says we have to be consistent and if i am serious i will try to keep all my appts.

I was conflicted if i should go this week or not. i am not sure if i should continue with this T. a part of me says yes, atleast she tells me upfront what i am doing wrong. part of me says no. she hates and loves to put me down and insult me and i actually pay her for it.

So i tried to cancel, she asked for reason and i told her because i dont have anything to talk about and i just want to skip this week.
she said she would like me to keep the appt and she will see me at our scheduled time.

I am really scared . i do not want to go , because she will be mad and say things like i am not serious about our work together and she doesnt want to work with me anymore and how i have wasted both of our time.

i know she will say things i will not like and i will be hurt. i will hate myself more for giving her the chance to do this to me. and most scary thing is what if she just drops me? ouch !

i want to continue working with her.
now i wish i didnt try to cancel the appt. and create this mess. f
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Old 10-11-2021, 02:45 PM   #2
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

My heart goes out to you. I had a therapist like that once. Wish I knew what to advise. So sorry you are in that dreadfully unhappy situation!
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Old 10-11-2021, 02:48 PM   #3
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

You shouldn't be scared of your therapist
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Old 10-11-2021, 02:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

Honestly, this dynamic sounds pretty toxic and she sounds manipulative. She's using fear to control you. You shouldn't be afraid of your therapist and should never feel manipulated into keeping a session. It's your session and your money.
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Old 10-11-2021, 03:57 PM   #5
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

Was there a caregiver in your life that behaved the way your therapist did? It might be repetition compulsion. You feel powerless against your therapist to stop going to her. You are drawn back.
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Old 10-11-2021, 05:18 PM   #6
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

she has forced me to keep appts when it was really difficult and i told her so. Told her i will be distracted and it wont be a good time to have session. but she insisted that if i took therapy seriously, i would keep the appt. and i did. I was out of town and i had to leave friends to have that session.

ANd Yes i did fear my parents alot, to the point of hiding in my house, so they dont see me...and get mad at me. i spent my whole childhood fearing my parents and staying out of their sight.

With this T, its like she cares enough to scold me..be mad at me...
i can not explain it...but yes theres something that keeps drawing me back to her.

also .i frequently hear from her ...if you think xyz is such a good idea...why dont u go ahead and do it...why are you here wasting your time and money with me?

i feel really guilty and bad then, why am i talking nonsense and she has better things to do.
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Old 10-11-2021, 05:28 PM   #7
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

I'm so sorry you are in this position... I wouldn't say "no way should you feel scared of your therapist" because I always feel a lot of fear in therapy, from the very nature of being vulnerable, but this sounds totally different. I guess for some people this style will work, but it doesn't sound like you are getting on with it, and neither would I personally. If it were me, I would walk away and try and find someone else with a gentler style of working.

It reminds me of when I was in the Navy and trying to climb the ropes. I simply didn't have the strength or the skill to be able to do it but the PTI would just stand there and yell at me to climb it. I was always like "no amount of shouting at me or telling me to just do it is going to help me achieve this". All it did was make me feel stupid and weak and hurt me.

You have a choice here. Don't let her take that away from you. Decide what is right for you and then follow your heart.
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Old 10-11-2021, 05:41 PM   #8
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

Quote:
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I wouldn't say "no way should you feel scared of your therapist"
I correct myself. You're right. Fear in therapy is often normal. But what isn't normal is being terrified that the therapist will retaliate and there's actual truth and evidence to that fear.
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Old 10-11-2021, 08:26 PM   #9
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

This kind of approach probably suits some people. Does it suit you? It sounds like there are some aspects of it that you like. And some that you don't.

It's okay if you like this approach. Annnnnd it's okay if you don't. It's also okay if you choose to stay with her... and it's okay if you don't!

You can choose. You can choose to stay with her if you like it and it works.

And you can choose to not stay with her if it just isn't working for you. It won't mean you're "bad at therapy" or "don't want to do the work". It would just mean that her approach and manner isn't one that works for you. And that would be okay!
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Old 10-12-2021, 06:48 AM   #10
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

The part that particularly bothers me here is that she wouldn't accept your canceling the session. You have the right to cancel a session if you want without a bunch of pressure from the T to keep it. Sure, she could choose to charge you for it (depending on your contract), but she should grant you the autonomy to cancel.

OK, I'm also bothered by her saying to stop acting like a child. Have you tried talking to her about feeling like she hates you?

My therapist can be pretty blunt (though much less so lately), and I let him know when he says something that feels hurtful. Or if I want a further explanation for what he said, because my mind often goes to the worst possible interpretation (part of why I'm in therapy!). Or I ask if he's frustrated with me. And he'll generally be honest, which can also hurt sometimes. But he's helped me make progress in areas where past therapists could not because they didn't challenge me in the same way.

So a T who can be very direct and at times harsh can be helpful. But as others said, if you're scared to talk to her or to even go to session (or to cancel), then I think that would interfere with having helpful therapy. So I'd try talking to her about it. Maybe she can go a little more gentle on you, if you ask? I eventually got my T to do that--he actually says he's more gentle on me than on most other clients, because he's learned that being more harsh with me can backfire. It could be that your T doesn't realize the effect this is having on you because it might work with some clients (or maybe they're all scared, too, but just not saying anything).
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Old 10-12-2021, 04:37 PM   #11
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

There is a difference between being upfront with someone versus that kind of 'tough love' or, as I see it, plain disrespect and rudeness.

If you want to continue working with her, I think this
Quote:
When I say call me out, i mean it in the most extreme sense. Where i feel like she hates me, is mocking me, can not stand me or is thinking i am a stupid person.
needs to be brought up. I don't think it is healthy for a T to make a client feel ill this and the client just taking it.

A T can be tough but still showing respect for the client. I don't see that from this T.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:47 PM   #12
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

There are more therapists in the sea. Go find yourself a better fit, and good luck.
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Old 10-13-2021, 09:47 PM   #13
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

thank you all for reading and replying.

I had my session. I really didnt know what to expect.

she was quiet most of the session. it was really awkward. i started sharing about my week, like usual...just to test the waters...and she didnt say anything. she wont reply or participate in the conversation at all..after i was done talking ...she didnt acknowledge anything that i said. she asked "why did u want to cancel the session?"
i was really taken aback. she completely ignored what i had shared like it was completely useless . i felt even more embarrassed, that all this time that i was talking she was just waiting for me to finish , to ask this question. she had no interest in hearing about how my week went.
yeah..felt really crappy then. i told her why and she just listened and didfnt say anything.

there were very long silences and she just didnt seem interested at all.
it felt like she was punishing me. she was mad at me, but wont come out right and say it. i could see it in her face and her lack of participation in session created so much tension .
at the end i did tell her i felt shes getting irritated by me...she just nodded. and again didnt say anything ...our time was up and she ended the session.

very weird, because she always has a lot to say and today i was talking to a wall.

Her completely ignoring what i had shared in the beginning of the session was very hurtful. i had shared something that was important to me, and it was like she heard nothing.

i am really thinking of terminating with her. its sheer stupidity that i still can not make up my mind. after todays session, she may also be thinking the same.

I keep thinking maybe next session will be different and better. so far it hasnt been.
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Old 10-13-2021, 11:32 PM   #14
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tobee View Post
I ve been seeing my T for a few months now.

She is very blunt and outspoken. Almost has no filter.

While my other Ts have been much gentler and just let me ramble on, this T calls me out on all my BS.
When I say call me out, i mean it in the most extreme sense. Where i feel like she hates me, is mocking me, can not stand me or is thinking i am a stupid person.

I let her.
At times, I even feel insulted but something keeps making me go back. I pay out of pocket, and i laugh at myself that i pay this person so much just to talk down to me. how much more crazy can you get?

But when she calls me out, it makes sense as well. she tells me to stop acting like a child, and be an adult. And if i want to continue being childish and do not want to change, then i should stop wasting both of our time

when i try to cancel an appt. she says we have to be consistent and if i am serious i will try to keep all my appts.

I was conflicted if i should go this week or not. i am not sure if i should continue with this T. a part of me says yes, atleast she tells me upfront what i am doing wrong. part of me says no. she hates and loves to put me down and insult me and i actually pay her for it.

So i tried to cancel, she asked for reason and i told her because i dont have anything to talk about and i just want to skip this week.
she said she would like me to keep the appt and she will see me at our scheduled time.

I am really scared . i do not want to go , because she will be mad and say things like i am not serious about our work together and she doesnt want to work with me anymore and how i have wasted both of our time.

i know she will say things i will not like and i will be hurt. i will hate myself more for giving her the chance to do this to me. and most scary thing is what if she just drops me? ouch !

i want to continue working with her.
now i wish i didnt try to cancel the appt. and create this mess. f

You know… sure therapy is not all fun and involves hard work. But that’s not the same as being relentlessly insulted and made to feel terrible.

What do you think you’ll gain from spending time with someone who diminishes you? Do you think that being frightened of authority helps you come into your own as an adult?

There are probably people who respond well to that style. I think if you were one of them it would be clear by now because instead of feeling bullied, you’d feel empowered. Like, “whoa she told me to grow up and it was just the nudge I needed and look, I made all these changes that I’d been hesitant about! She kicks my butt a bit but I find it really motivating!”

I don’t hear you saying that.

Life is too short to spend time with people who are mean to you. You know? The idea that you should continue something just because you started it is called the sunk cost fallacy.
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Old 10-14-2021, 08:34 AM   #15
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Default Re: I am scared to go to my next appt.

Quote:
I keep thinking maybe next session will be different and better. so far it hasn't been
I don't intend to be mean but why would it be any different? She showed you, and keeps showing you who she is. Yet you keep going back to her and expecting her to be different.

You have a choice to leave. You don't have to keep going back to her, this is your choice and your decision. You are the one giving her permission to hurt you. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and keep yourself safe from harm and/or abuse.
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