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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2013
Location: Ontario Land
Posts: 3,551
11 |
#1
I lied to the doctors over 20 years ago about my history. I (mostly) believed my lies at one point, but was never fully convinced. It felt wrong to accuse two family members of horrific acts that never happened, but I did it anyways. This is something I profoundly regret and wish I could take back. My apology didn’t help as much as I thought it would. I’m haunted by this, the harm I caused to those two people and the betrayal of myself. How could I have done such a thing? This isn’t how I was reared. It went against everything I believed in.
I’m trying to understand why this happened. At that time I was desperate to understand why I was suffering so much. Nothing could explain my experience. Not even the list of diagnoses that I was given. I remember feeling unheard and harshly judged because of those labels. No one was listening, so I lied to be heard. Could there be other reasons why I did this? The need for answers doesn’t justify sinking that low. Is there something I am missing here? Can there be other motivations behind my past behavior? I ask because it doesn’t feel like there is one explanation. Perhaps I am over thinking this, so I can find a more valid excuse for my egregious and selfish behavior. Forgiving myself for sinking that low and hurting others feels like an impossible task. I’ve been discussing this in therapy. It is humiliating to admit what I did. __________________ Dx: Didgee Disorder |
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Favorite Jeans, here today, RoxanneToto, ScarletPimpernel
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: In my head
Posts: 1,787
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#2
That sounds really, really hard.
For whatever it’s worth, it makes a lot of sense to me that someone who is suffering a lot would feel desperate to find an explanation. I don’t know how old you are but in the mid-late 80’s, 90’s and maybe early 00’s, there was a lot of literature (Courage To Heal being the big one that comes to mind) that really promoted the idea that our depression, somatic illness etc is rooted in CSA that we may have repressed. Of course CSA is very prevalent and often we don’t recall exactly what happened. So it was a bit of a nightmare of some people having “memories” encouraged by the thinking of the time and others who were abused being discredited because of the first phenomenon. I’m saying all this to tell you that you’re by no means alone. The understanding that poor attunement/attachment for a child with a sensitive nervous system can be in itself very traumatic, is relatively new. Those people end up feeling kind of defective because they feel so effed up (especially in their teens and twenties) despite having had pretty normal childhoods. The thing is that for those kids not being listened to, run-of-the-mill bullying, being left alone or yelled at or whatever, is just devastating. If you don’t know that, of course it makes sense to believe (on some level) that somebody did something horrible to you. Because you’re so shattered. Anyway. I hope your T is giving you a lot of credit for the courage and integrity of the work you’re doing. |
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RoxanneToto
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confused_77, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto, The_little_didgee
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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#3
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but you’re doing the right thing getting help and support while seeking understanding.
For what it’s worth, I remember doing something similar - no serious long term consequences, but I still regret it. Someone at middle school asked about something they’d given me. For a reason I still can’t fathom out (though what Favorite Jeans wrote above sounds very plausible for my case, I think) I immediately started saying my brother had taken it from me and smashed it up. Total lie I had no reason to tell, and I felt very bad later when I got told how it made him feel. |
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Quietmind 2, The_little_didgee
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,413
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#4
I, too, lied about something someone did to me when they never actually did it. It almost ruined their life, but I was able to rectify it in the end. However, I never told the person what I did.
I did it because of a misunderstanding (a friend misinterpreted what I said), and being forced to admit to CSA. Back in the early 2000's, it was believed if you had BPD, you had to have CSA. I was pushed so hard to open up about it. But there was none. Finally, they told me if I didn't open up about it then I was faking my mental health disorders and I'd lose all my resources including financial, housing, and counseling. So I blamed this person. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard. It does not make you a bad person. Whatever the reason is you did it, I'm sure it was because it was the best option you thought you had at that time. I also still suffer from the guilt. One day I hope to forgive myself. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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Favorite Jeans, RoxanneToto
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Quietmind 2, The_little_didgee
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
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#5
You were young and unhappy. How you were reared wasn't helping you in your social experience with your peers, from what you have written previously. You accepted the opinions of the social authority. You were, as you wrote, desperate. When people are desperate our survival instincts can take over. They just do that. It's a survival instinct. And listening to an authority, grabbing at hope -- even if something in us knows, or suspects, that it is "wrong" -- we can just do it. The way are living currently isn't working, either, so we listen to the authority. It's an instinct. I did it, too. And suffered for years trying to understand why what I did, that I thought was what I was supposed to do, didn't work either and instead hurt other people and my relationships with them. This has been the best I could come up with.
Shame and guilt are useful emotions. Shame can tell us that something we have done, or a way that we are behaving, is against a social group's standards. Guilt can tell us that something we have done is or was against what we now accept as our own standards. They are very painful. Again, for a good survival reasons, I suspect. They tend to disrupt our behaving that way again. But they can be extremely difficult to deal with. Sometimes it still seems impossible to me. Despite my best efforts -- and the expectations of my family which I tried hard to fulfill (again, the instinct of looking to authority) -- I am not perfect, whatever definition of perfection one might use. I am an animal, among other things. That's not a put-down. In the last year I have watched a lot of shows on TV about zoos. And the zookeepers, who are around the animals all day and responsible for their care, are very observant and respectful of the animal social dynamics. They are not judgmental about them, just observant. I am trying to be that way more about myself and other people, too. I hurt people in ways that I didn't fully know or understand (or care at the time because I was desperate? like an animal trying to survive?). It affected them in painful ways and my apology can't fully change that -- for their own survival reasons. It's a deep sadness that I have. I appreciate your posts, didgee, and your story is an important one. I wish that therapists could read it and feel some guilt at the effects their actions have had on their clients and on the people they care about. Even therapists who haven't done things like that themselves deserve some responsibility, I believe, for making their profession better and less likely to harm people. I hope the therapist you have now can continue to help you, and it seems likely that she won't forget your story, either. |
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Favorite Jeans, Quietmind 2, RoxanneToto, ScarletPimpernel, The_little_didgee
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2013
Location: Ontario Land
Posts: 3,551
11 |
#6
Thank you. I really like your reply, because it makes a lot of sense.
Quote:
No one could explain why I was struggling, so they dug. Back in 1994 a psych resident asked about abuse. I wondered if that was the reason why I felt different, so I explored it with that lady (the start of the descent into hell). It seemed to explain my sexual orientation, my gender, and my lack of feelings and emotional connections with others. Quote:
Not having an explanation that validated my experience (my neurodiversity) is a huge part of what messed me up. Rather than embracing my differences, everyone focused on trying to fix them. It felt like I was being forced to change, so I can be more pleasing and likeable to other people. My speech, and the way I socialized and thought needed to be more socially acceptable. This sent a message that I was flawed. She's been very helpful. It took 9 years to get to this point. She had to prove to me that she was a critical thinker who wasn't blinded by assumptions. __________________ Dx: Didgee Disorder |
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Favorite Jeans
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Quietmind 2
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