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LonesomeTonight
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 09:30 AM
  #61
Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry that some people were so judgmental.

I did something pretty bad (that I've mentioned on here) almost exactly 6 years ago. Of people I told, most were understanding and forgiving--it was a bit more complicated with the person it directly affected--my husband--but he ultimately forgave me and did so relatively quickly (even though I didn't think I deserved it).

However, someone I'd been friends with since I was 12, who I thought would be accepting, was incredibly judgmental and made me feel really awful about myself. We've since mended things (though don't talk that often). But now I no longer feel I can trust him as someone to confide in (he had been one of my safe people, where I felt I could tell him anything and he'd still accept me--and vice versa). So it can be really difficult and painful when someone you thought you could trust and who had your back unconditionally judges you.
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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 12:04 PM
  #62
I told my T early, too, because I have a bad track record of waiting to tell people until they know me a bit and then ending up never telling them at all. I was in a 4 year relationship once, we lived together, talked about having kids, and I never told the guy. My family doesn't know either, and they, too, never will. I can take anyone's reaction, but theirs would last.

I'm sorry they are joking about that stuff, your family. I guess that's another down-side to not telling people. Of course people talk about my issue, too, though noone finds it very funny, understandibly so. I don't find it very funny, either, but here we are. I suppose that downside is to be expected and perhaps one just has to stop listening when conversations go that way. Walk away and do the dishes or something.

I guess that's why I put up with my T not being sure if he can treat me in the long run, because I get that this is difficult for him on probably more levels than I can even begin to undestand. I feel I can't express my concerns over his pending decision either, because that might imply any number of things, like me thinking him weak, or me being angry at him or simply not accepting that he needs time to get to know me. And as I generally find it hard to pinpoint my feelings, I couldn't even deny these with strong conviction, cause all I know is that it confuses me and that's that, everything else is guess work. So I find it best not to bring it up.

I'm glad though you have 3 people in your life who know your secret and are accepting of you as a whole, including the secret, and it's good to see that you can let the need to be extra good with them slide, because what's the point of telling someone so they'll know you, if then you have to be extra cautious about being yourself, right? That's contradictory.

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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 11:38 PM
  #63
[FONT="Georgia"][SIZE="5"][B][QUOTE=LonesomeTonight;7170070]Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry that some people were so judgmental.[\quote] do
You mean people here or people in the OP‘s life?

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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 11:50 PM
  #64
People here, I believe.

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Default Jan 19, 2022 at 11:53 PM
  #65
I didn't clarify, but I think LT read it right: people here. I haven't told too many people irl. 10 I think? They were professionals (i.e. therapists or counselors), 2 women who did the exorcism, and H. My post about being judged again was from a person here.

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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 05:48 AM
  #66
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I didn't clarify, but I think LT read it right: people here. I haven't told too many people irl. 10 I think? They were professionals (i.e. therapists or counselors), 2 women who did the exorcism, and H. My post about being judged again was from a person here.

Oh man I’m sorry. I see your post goes back to October so I’ll have to read through it better.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 05:13 PM
  #67
I feel so much relief after today's session. L told me that she does see the secret as bad, just doesn't see me, my core as bad. I feel like she's in reality, tracking, and understanding. Of course it hurt for her to say it, AND it makes me feel so much more known.

I also found someone else who shares my secret. I'm glad I'm not alone AND I feel for the person that they have to carry the weight of it.

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 05:18 PM
  #68
HUGS Scarlet, I'm glad you got an answer from you T. I'm glad you feel relief. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and I'm sorry you are feeling that the other person has to carry the weight of it. It might not feel that way to them but maybe it does. HUGS Kit

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 05:56 PM
  #69
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
HUGS Scarlet, I'm glad you got an answer from you T. I'm glad you feel relief. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and I'm sorry you are feeling that the other person has to carry the weight of it. It might not feel that way to them but maybe it does. HUGS Kit
You're right. I can't compare myself and the other person. I guess I mean that if they do carry any shame or regret, I feel for them. I pm'ed them to let them know they're not alone.

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 06:13 PM
  #70
Also glad you found some relief in today's session. And that you found someone else who shares it.

My T said something today that resonated with me, in talking about the secret that I referenced on here, and maybe it could be helpful to you? That it seems like I feel that I'm a "bad girl"* who deserves to be punished. Even though everyone by my age has stuff in their past that they aren't proud of. And that I judge myself much more harshly than I would judge anyone else around me. That I should try to look at things I shared as if it was my friend telling them to me--would I judge them the way I judge myself?

*He's using "bad girl" as the opposite of feeling I had to be a "good girl" growing up, which I've talked about from childhood, not referring to me as a girl rather than a woman, to clarify.
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 06:36 PM
  #71
Yes! I try so hard to be the "good" girl. L and I were talking about it today in terms of a period in my life where it was "popular" in society to be a part of an evangelical church. And that I learned a lot of my purist ideas from that (i.e. no premarital sex, no sexual thoughts outside your marriage, other rules that evoked shame). A lot of it I have come to terms with and can accept. The secret is just one thing that I cannot accept. L and I hypothesized that it's because of the church and because we can't figure out the cause of the secret.

L was also talking, again, that we are all angel and all demon, even her. And that we have all made decisions that we regret. And that we all wrestle with it trying our best in the process.

I guess I liken it to what we teach children. Children are inherently good, they jusy sometimes do bad things. But they don't mean to be bad.

All that to say that I really resonate with the trying to be a "good girl", and feeling like I deserve to be punished for the ways I feel like I was a "bad girl". And yes, I would be accepting of someone who shared my secret. It's bad, but I'm learning that it doesn't make them a bad person.

I just fear so so much being judged because the bible condemns it, and society really frowns upon it. And I've been judged by a few people here. But I guess it's fair to assume there will be some who judge me AND that some will not. And like AmyJay said, 3-5% of the population is actually a lot.

I'm glad L is willing to work on this with me. I believe it is helping. It's just not easy!

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 09:44 PM
  #72
I'm glad you feel relief and seen after this session Scarlet. I have no idea what your secret it, but it makes me feel a little leery to hear you T tell you it was a "bad" secret. My T has said that even if I have murdered someone, I am not bad...I get that your T also told you that you are not a bad person, but it feels weird to hear that she "agreed" that the secret is also bad.

But that is just my opinion
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 10:13 PM
  #73
My therapist defines some things I do, or did, as bad. Some things are objectively bad and only a depraved and/or morally bankrupt person won't understand this. So, if my therapist did not define anything I did as bad, I would think she must be either stupid or evil. Maybe misguided at best. Plus, I need her to believe that some actions are just bad. I can't tolerate a lack of certainty about, for example, abuse being bad. If she believes that I am incapable of being bad, then logically nobody else can be bad, either. And that's very disturbing to me - the thought of her having that philosophy or worse, being inconsistent and not realizing it.

But that comes down to my own personal preferences due to the way I think. I can understand why it would be harmful for someone else to have anything related to them conceptualized as bad by their therapist.

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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 11:07 PM
  #74
I understand that some would feel if their T judged an action, it would feel like they might be judging you too.

In mine and L's relationship, we try to be as honest and open as we can be...if we get hurt, then we work through it with our foundations: curiosity, compassion, understanding, empathy, etc. Never with criticism, punishment, or cruelty. We've built our foundation strong so we can do the hard work that we're doing now.

I depend on her honesty and openness. I guess transparency is a better word. I need her understanding; not judgment. And she wouldn't and doesn't judge me. I need to know that she's tracking, present, and in reality, and sometimes that requires hard truths.

Like susannahsays, I think some things are just bad actions: abuse, murder, r-word, my secret, etc. And while we my judge those actions as bad, L says she would still love me and still work with me even if I have done any of those things.

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Default Jan 22, 2022 at 10:14 PM
  #75
Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
My therapist defines some things I do, or did, as bad. Some things are objectively bad and only a depraved and/or morally bankrupt person won't understand this. So, if my therapist did not define anything I did as bad, I would think she must be either stupid or evil. Maybe misguided at best. Plus, I need her to believe that some actions are just bad. I can't tolerate a lack of certainty about, for example, abuse being bad. If she believes that I am incapable of being bad, then logically nobody else can be bad, either. And that's very disturbing to me - the thought of her having that philosophy or worse, being inconsistent and not realizing it.

But that comes down to my own personal preferences due to the way I think. I can understand why it would be harmful for someone else to have anything related to them conceptualized as bad by their therapist.
I didn't think of it like this, and you have a great point.
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