Deciding...

Wow!! Elio!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out. Not spewing at all... (Or if you are maybe it would help you too!) But actually I feel you may have hit the nail on the head in certain places.... Many places!!!

I think I fully realised today that in thinking of working with Temp T all I doing is trying to replace the lost connection, the lost feelings, the lost relationship that I had with Ex T. God I want that back so badly. So badly. It feels like my heart has been taken and I want it back. I feel empty and lost without her. It feels like I will never be the same again. I simply cannot imagine my life without her in it, and I don't know how to move forwards like this. Maybe I am not in the right place to do this work with Teenage One. Maybe Temp T is what I need right now. Maybe I need that safety, that support, that warmth and caring just to be able to get back on my feet after losing Ex T in this way. I am certainly not over it, and I don't know how to get over it.

Hugs, if wanted. It could be that you need to fully (or at least somewhat) grieve the loss of Ex T before you can really move forward with other work. Would it be possible to work with Temp T for a bit, then resume work with the other T when you feel you're ready?

I just know when I had the big rupture with my former marriage counselor a few years ago, I had to do a lot of talking and working through that with my individual T before I could do much other work. I think at the time, my T was bothered that I spent so much time on ex-MC, but now I think he gets that I needed to process the loss (and he talks about it as "grieving").

I think this is a good realization, Waterbear. I missed former T terribly after we ended (she got sick with MS and had to stop seeing clients). I went to a T that was warm, supportive, and understanding to help get through the loss of former T. It maybe wasn't what I needed to grow, but I think she was what I needed to heal. Then earlier this year I was able to move on from her and saw a different T but he doesn't seem right for me either. So then I went into IOP and you can't have an outside therapist but I have one-in-waiting for when IOP is over. She seems like she will fit the bill. She says she can help me so I am hopeful. But back to your post, I think it is important to have the time and space to honor the work you did with Ex T and maybe work through the loss of Ex T. HUGS Kit

Thanks Lonesome. I think you are absolutely right. I do need to grieve. I feel Ike I have been grieving, but how long does it go on for? How long do I have to go through this for? Ex T was the first person I ever truly loved. She has been the most important person in my life and the feelings I have for her run so deep that it feels like a part of her actually lives within me. Except right now that part of me is just empty. Because she hasn't died, I have no resolution here. It feels like she is just missing, but yet I know she is out there. I can't grieve properly for that. I'm not sure I will ever be able to grieve properly for that, not while I know she is still physically alive and out there.

For me, it feels like I am being made to go cold turkey from a drug that made me feel SO good. Being asked to just give up on the relationship that provided the basis for so much positive change.

I certainly have considered working with Temp T for a bit longer, but I am concerned that I will only end up in the position that I was in last time. That I will find myself attached to someone who then isn't right for my Teenage One.

I have decided to try and do it the other way around. To try and sit down with Potential New T and really see if we can get her to provide what I need in the here and now, with the knowledge and belief that she will help me to taper down from that when the time is right, and that in doing so we would be, at the same time, building the basis for the relationship that I need going forwards with my Teenage One.

I plan on trying to have this conversation with her next week. I'll let you know how I get on! If it isn't a success, then going back to Temp T is my safety net.

Thank you so much Kit. I am in awe of your ability not only to find what it was that you needed in that moment, but also to recognise that it wasn't what you needed longer term. It sounds very similar to me, but I am terrified of getting entangled with someone that I know I will only have to walk away from in time. I don't know if I can do that, so maybe it is better that I don't succumb to that desire in the first place.

That said, I think you are right that I do need the space and time to grieve for Ex T. I do need to feel some of those feelings again, too, and I do need to give myself the time and space that feels right here. I'm hoping that Potential New T can help me to see that I am allowed that with her, here, and that she will help me to 'grow out of that' in time, too.

I relate so much even though I haven't lost my T, because there was a time I thought I lost her. I wish I could give you an answer.

A friend of mine survived an extremely similar abrupt loss of her therapist, may I PM you about her journey?

I feel bad for even saying this because it isn't the same but I did experience an ending with a therapist who meant so much and who I grieved for deeply for a long time. The ending was nowhere near as abrupt as yours as I had a few weeks notice plus some element of choice over whether I continued with her privately (I saw her at an agency) albeit practically it wouldn't have worked due to my limitations. Anyway, I wanted to say that the ending was so painful and I cried most days for weeks. I dreamed about her and it was more than a year before I started to recover from the loss. I actually went to see another T and spent a lot of time crying for my previous T before I could focus on anything else.

The point I really want to make is that it did get easier. I cried a lot and it was agonising and I thought I was going to die from the grief. I found it necessary to get some support from another T to help me through it. I wouldn't set a time line on your grief - if mine can take the best part of a year, yours may take longer. But the intensity of the grief will pass, just let yourself cry and feel all the pain, it does help.

Years on, I have another wonderful T who I deeply love and dread losing. But I still think about my ex T a lot and how much she helped me. She was the first person who helped me believe in myself and supported me through some extremely difficult events and situations. It wasn't perfect but the bond we had was real. I don't feel the emptiness of the loss anymore as I've internalised what she gave me but every so often I do still miss her physical presence.

Hang in there - it will get easier.

I agree with what LonelyInMyHeart says, it does get easier but it does take a lot of time. For me it was about 10 years that I saw former T and I spent at least six months actively grieving her. It helps that I have had intermittent contact with her throughout, via email so there is still some connection. She doesn't always respond but when she does it is still full of that love (platonic) and caring that I needed from her. I too cried most days for months. It was the most I cried. I cried non-stop for a couple of days after our last session and I cried throughout our session. It was incredibly difficult. I don't cry easily. but I sure did cry then. Let yourself cry if you can. It does help release stuff. I'm not big on crying so for me to give the advice to cry is a big thing. It does take a lot of time but the process of healing from the loss will happen. It just may take a long time. I am still grieving former T but just not actively every day. More in moments. HUGS Kit

This resonates with my own experience a lot. I do NOT miss the actual relationship I had with X, but I was severely attached to her nevertheless. And apparently still am after ... however long ago the first COVID lockdowns started, because not long ago after a conversation about her I still ended up in this helpless, abandoned little child mode for a day or two. Mind you, a year ago that'd have been several days or even weeks, so it does get better, but it's a great deal slower and more circuitous that it feels like it has any right to be.

I can definitely relate to the difficulty grieving her. I know perfectly well she's still out there, so why not just reach out and try to fix things? Also, what do I grieve for, exactly? How much of it was real? How much of it was genuine? But I think a lot of this is done unconsciously, just like the attachment thing happened mostly unconsciously, so I guess I just have to trust the parts that are missing her to do their grieving as they need and try not to let the parts that 'told them not to trust her' give them a hard time.

I started with T not long after terminating with X. A good few months were spent mostly on X. For several months more she still was 'present' in our sessions. It took nearly a year before I started to feel that maybe T can eventually fulfill enough of the hopes I had for X that I could maybe start letting her go (gosh this sounds so silly), and I still haven't, not really. Thankfully, T is still ok with me bringing up X again and again. Even so, the balance between X stuff and working on ... what I was supposed to be working on with X has shifted considerably.

I guess to me the idea that you'd rather work with someone different makes sense. As long as she can help you with both the ex-T stuff and your Teenage One. But then our situation is very different, so I also understand that it's a dilemma for you ... actually, I was kind of tempted too, to try to find someone who feels similar and hope that I can make it work at get that elusive 'promise' fulfilled, but that would have been very obviously a bad idea for me. Instead, I went to find someone who felt like the people I can function better around. I think if anything, it helps the grieving process. Actually, your reluctance about Temp T might partially be an aspect of the grieving process as well, perhaps you're not ready to get more-or-less the same thing from someone else just yet?

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, feels like I'm rambling, but I might as well post it just in case it helps.

Yes please QuietMind, do send me a PM

To everyone else, thank you. Some really useful/interesting thoughts and experiences which I will digest in the coming days, thank you.

I think maybe I need to enrich my life again. When I thought I had five months left with T I basically shut everything non essential out. Turned it off. Maybe, along with feeling the grief I need to turn these things back on, too. To bring some more purpose and fulfillment to my life.

So.... Finally my potential new T and I got on the same page, and we came to the mutual decision that I won't be seeing her any more... For a while.

She can't/won't offer what I need right now, which is hard to explain. I need a closer relationship than she can/will offer me. I need to feel safe and cared for and understood, along with other things. I need to feel like it's ok to be me, while I deal with the turmoil that has been created by my Ex T leaving.

We don't think it's the right time to be doing trauma work. Which is what I will need her for in the future I hope. Next year, spring maybe. She has said she will look for a better space for us and she will be happy to have me back when I am ready, but for now I will go back to see Temp T until I feel stronger again.

I just lost the most important person in my life and I need to give myself some time and space to see what life looks like without her in it. I need to be gentle with myself and I don't think digging around in my past is what's best just yet.

But I'm glad we had a session today. It was a good one, in a strange way. I understand why she won't cross that bridge.

If my Ex T had been my parent, she would have hopefully sought me some proffesional help for this trauma. She wouldn't have tried to do it with me. You need different people for different things sometimes. Maybe there was a good reason why we could never get there. But I'm grateful she got me to the point where I do feel like someone else can help me with that. I wouldn't have been able to see that a year ago.

Things do happen for a reason, they say.

Thinking of you.

Thank you Quietmind, that means a great deal to me. I'm doing 'okay', thank you. Still finding it hard to adjust if I'm honest. I'm trying very hard not to Google my Ex T and her family, after realising that I am only hurting myself by doing it, really. Starting over with a new T is incredibly difficult but I'm still going, and we are still trying. I'm hoping things will get easier. All I can do is keep making the most of everything I do have and keep trying to find a happy and healthy way forwards. Sometimes I win with this, and sometimes I lose, but I'm ok, and I do feel like I am slowly inching my way out of the complete breakdown that happened almost a year ago now. Wow... Where did that time go!!

I'm hoping things get easier for you. I still miss my Ex T a great deal too, and have had to work on trying to not Google her and her family. As incredibly painful and traumatic this loss is, it speaks to just how much impact age had and has on you. One day at a time, friend.

I'm glad she was able to take responsibility for what she didn't do right. A lot of people won't be able to, or not easily.

Sorry, I don't understand this part if you can say more on what you meant by it not being good enough and accepting shortcomings of hers?

I have more thoughts (perhaps insightful) on some things you shared in another post in the thread but I don't want to post about the wrong idea if I didn't interpret your lines right here.

Thank you Quietmind. I'm so sorry you are still missing your T too. Like you say, I just think it is testament to how much the relationship meant, and the changes that came because of it. It really is a strange thing isn't it, and I'm just glad we are able to find others who 'get it'. Kudos for trying to refrain from googling your T. It's hard, bit it's for the best I think.... Absolutely, one day at a time, one day at a time. Thank you, friend.

Etcetera, thank you for your comment, but I don't really feel in the right place to reply. I'm trying to 'move in' from thinking about my Ex T all the time, (largely unsuccessfully, but I'm getting there slowly) so I am not sure bringing it all back up is helpful for me. I will try and clarify though, that she owned her mistakes. She realised that what had happened wasn't good enough and she apologised. And I decided to try and forgive her.