Deciding...

Hey, I hope this is ok to post here, as a kind of rolling thread for me maybe. I feel I may have a fairly difficult decision to make soon about which T I choose to work with going forwards and I think it might be really helpful for me to have a place to write things as they come up, kind of like a longer version of a pros and cons list. Then come the time of wanting to decide, I can look back through maybe.

Feel free to chime in if you want, if you have any thoughts or suggestions. I wonder if a few sets of fresh eyes might be helpful too.

I'll be making a start tomorrow but just wanted to put this out there for now.

Definitely interested. I've been thinking of you and your therapy situation.

Thanks QuietMind. It's been a rough old road! I had a session with my Potential New T the other day and I realised that in order to really get closure, to really be able to move on in a healthy way, I did have to tell Ex T how I felt. How angry I was at how I had just been left out in the cold. How I felt she should have had a plan. How things should have been handled differently. Despite the respect and empathy I have for her current situation. Despite the love I feel for her.

She replied positively, saying that the email was very hard to read because I was right. She let me down. She said she did have a plan in place but she didnt use it because she thought she could do it herself. She didn't accept her supervisors invitation to contact clients because she wanted to do it herself. She thought that what she had been able to do had been enough, but she sees now that for me, at least, it was not enough. She said that my anger was justified and that she would take my concerns to her supervisor, to emphasize the importance of making sure clients are kept safe, I hope.

She apologised, an I forgave her. I do know that everything she did would have been the best she could have done at the time, with her clients interest at heart, but she now heard that it wasn't good enough, and accepted her shortcomings. That was what I needed, and I am so grateful that she could provide that closure for me, and open the door to go and see her one last time... To say goodbye properly. I will get the chance to just sit with her, feeling, being, remembering.

And then I will move on as best I can... To either Temp T or Potential New T. If I can make a decision!!!

So... Temp T.... What to say about her. As soon as I went to the first session I struggled. But then I always struggle. We were sat in quite a small room with a bookcase to the right and the toilet to the left. Two big squishy armchairs right opposite one another. Luckily she had left some paperwork on the chair for me because I couldn't look at her or have her look at me, so I held the paperwork up and just kept it in front of my face. And there is stayed. She had intended to ask me her usual intake questions I think, doctors, history, family etc but she seemed to sense that this was not going to be helpful for either of us really. I think it was the first session where she basically asked what would help me, and I said not to be sat opposite. So she said, ok, let's move. I stood in the corner facing the wall while she moved the chairs around to be sat side by side, which felt much more manageable for me. I didn't have to look at her then.

The games and puzzles and pens etc on the shelves really drew me in, as it was similar to Ex T in a way, and indicated that maybe we wouldn't just have to sit and talk all the time. I got my clipboard out and started to write, and she would read and respond. She was happy to work like this and said that she had worked with someone before in a very similar way. Someone who, like me, wanted to find their voice but just didn't know how. She said that by the time this person left therapy, they were able to voice what had happened to them. They were able to speak about it. Which made me feel quite hopeful, that maybe we could do the same.

When it came time to leave I felt like I wanted to go back again, so we booked another session....

First session with Potential New T on the other hand was a disaster. A bigger room, and actually one that I have been in before with another counsellor. It's at a shared venue. It's nice enough, and we meet earlier, so actually it's quieter around the place which is good for me. I didn't like it before as there were too many people.

But the chairs were put over the other side of the room and I couldn't see a way to get there. So I just stopped when I went in and faced the wall in the corner. Oh dear. She started talking, I think asking where I had come from, had I driven (probably wondering how I was even let loose in a car!) What I did for work etc. It felt horrific. After 5 or 10 minutes I asked if she could close her eyes. She paused, and asked what happens if she says no. I said that I stay in the corner. She offered to leave the room instead, and so I found a way to sit down at least. She came back in and I don't remember much of the rest of the session. It was 90 minutes long and all I remember was her asking if I had filled in the assessment form. I said no... That I had tried but couldn't do it. She said she needed to take some information such as date of birth, address and doctors. I said ok and answered these, but then she went on to ask all of the questions on the form. Well, she would if I'd let her.

I really didn't feel comfortable telling her what I was telling her, so I asked why she needed to know these things. She said she needed to know a bit more about me to know if she could help me. Well, I wasn't satisfied with that answer, so I said something about not being at my pace even though she said it would be. Something about getting dragged on the fast train even though I wanted to still be at the station.

It was awful. I felt awful. Not a good start to our work at all.

I remember talking it through with Temp T and saying that I wasn't sure why I had even agreed to go back. Given what had happened and given how I found it. I said that there was something though, that meant I wanted to try again.

So, I tested the emails with Potential New T this week, and she wrote a good one in reply. I guess by me paying for her time, her half an hour, it means that I will get a considered, though about, measured reply.

This feels like a far more formal relationship than I am used to with Ex T, but I had a thought the other day, that maybe that IS what I need. Maybe I never could share these things with Ex T because we were TOO close. I don't know, just an idea in its infancy, but it seemed to fit when I thought of it.

And maybe that is why Temp T doesn't feel right... Because she feels too much like Ex T, in the way she works, in the way the relationship could develop. Maybe that's why she was perfect for this transition.....

When Potential New T said in her email about the respect that she had for my Teenage Ones need for safety, and something about it not being with her, I can only guess that she meant that I am still free to choose here... That I may not decide to work with her.

Well when I saw those words I felt a little sting, too. More than that I can't really explain, but I wonder whether it was an "ouch.... But I do want to learn to trust you".

Food for thought.....

hmm I read this part as her referring to the concept that the Teenage One's need for safety was with yourself/within yourself. Then again, I am reading your words and not hers and through my belief that the T in these types of therapeutic relationships (these modalities) are mirrors of/for ourselves.

Finding myself increasingly willing/wanting to share with Potential New T, but at the same time still wanting to run for the hills. I can feel the hint of that wry smile that has always seemed to signify that Teenage One is around somewhere.

It's an 'ive got you!' kind of smile. But it's nowhere near as big a feeling as I had when I worked with that one lady years ago. That was never going to work. It's like the defences are there, but that they are weaker than they have been for a long time. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, but given by what we established today about how opening up some holes in my defences allowed for some remarkable positive changes, I'd hazard a guess that it's a good thing.

I don't think I will email this week. I might change my mind, but instead I was thinking I could use the money to order those paints I've had my eye on.

Not sure I should always look at it this way though, because I could buy a lot with £100 a week, and I'd be tempted to jack therapy in altogether if I looked at it that way!

That said, craft supplies probably won't lead to me confronting my abuser and opening up to my family, both of which are my aims, so I'm guessing I should keep going?!?

I'll write some stuff down though, and take it to session next week. Stuff about current changes, and missing having Ex T to support me/celebrate with me.

Potential New T asked how I would feel if she said that she wasn't planning on being around for our session in a couple weeks time. When I said I would possibly ask to see Temp T, we agreed that probably wasn't the best thing for me right now, and she said that in that case she will see me still first thing Monday. Which I am grateful for. I am grateful for her understanding that I kind of need the consisted right now. I think I do anyway, I mean, I could miss a week, but I'm not sure that it would be good for our relationship building.

And THIS is why emailing is important to me. Having watched something that has serious triggered me I am now left alone with these thoughts, feelings, memories. I don't do well with it all in my head and as of yet there isn't anyone I can talk to about it. Not really. I can tell a couple of friends I've been triggered, but it means nothing to them. It ends up with me believing I mean nothing to them. They don't even know the relevance because they don't know what happened to me.

I need to find a way to tell my boyfriend about my history. I know I do, but I can't. I can't do it. And that's NOT a word I use lightly. I just physically cannot do it. That's why I need therapy. I need to be able to find a way, but until then, my T is all I have. The only vent I have. But, right now, I don't even have that. So my session was on Tuesday and I was triggered on Tuesday evening. So I have to wait a whole week to be able to even release any of this unless I pay £30 to email. Or I can email, bit she won't reply. What good is that?

I know with Temp T I would have been able to fire a quick email and she would have read and replied briefly and supportively. Letting me know she is there. That's all I need.

I'm sorry. That sucks that you have to pay so much for an email! AND she doesn't reply to them? That seems a little ridiculous.

£30 to send an email that she doesn't even respond to seems way inappropriate to me. My T reads and responds to texts and emails for no extra charge. It seems really unfair you have to pay so much just for her to read it

My understanding was that sending an email was free, but she'll only reply if Waterbear pays the money. My T technically has a policy (which he's not following while the pandemic is still going on) that if an email takes him longer than 15 minutes to read and reply, he'll charge at his hourly rate at 15-minute increments. He said it's to keep him from feeling resentful of his time being used.

At first this bothered me, because my former and and former marriage counselor both never charged for outside email, calls, or texts. However, in both cases, there were conflicts at some point because the T thought I was sending too much. And they often didn't reply or would just send a sentence or two. The maybe 10 times I've gotten a paid email from my current T, it's been multiple long paragraphs in response, so it generally felt I was getting my money's worth (well, except for a couple times when his replies upset me).

Most of the time, he doesn't charge, and he still writes more than ex-T or ex-MC would--generally a few sentences, sometimes a couple short paragraphs. And he *always* replies, usually in the mornings (so it's within 24 hours of my sending it). I actually have found I prefer this method, as it also makes me really think if I want a detailed (paid) response or something brief (like a sentence or two of support/validation, which would be free). Or if I just want to get some thoughts out, and we can then discuss in session. And I generally say which thing I'd want, like, "free, brief reply preferred" or "longer, paid response OK, but please keep it under $x." It also helps me figure out what I want.

Also, my T does offer extra or earlier sessions when he has availability (which used to be pretty regularly pre-pandemic, but now he has a higher caseload). Is that an option at all with your T? I often found an extra or earlier session to be more helpful than an email (plus insurance would cover part of that, where it wouldn't at all for emails). And he also offers half sessions. Is that something your T would be at all open to, instead of email? Or just to go more frequently in general?

I've been away from the boards for a while. I'm glad you got some closure with your ex-T! Even then, actually moving on might be hard, but at least you have a solid foundation. Interesting that you seem to be leaning towards the T that is less similar to ex-T, but I guess it makes sense. It'd be more reassuring if she were willing to work out a more flexible between-session support system, though. I like the solution LT's T came up with, very sensible.

That's guys. You are right LT, she will read and not reply (but who knows if she will read or not, I certainly don't!) For free, or she will reply, taking the necessary time to properly sit down and think and reply sensibly etc for £30.

I think I'm kind of happy with that, but I would rather change the first option from no reply to just a supportive generic couple of line response.

It's the check-in bit I feel is missing. The holding on bit.

I don't know. I'm in a bad place again with it all right now after being triggered really badly the other day and to be fair I'm doubting the whole therapy thing altogether

Tell her that this is what you need, or at least establish if it's possible. I don't feel a reply of a couple of lines should warrant a charge. It's just a supportive 'hold' until you can see her again.

I hope you can work it out with her.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Thanks East... We have a review after six weeks so I plan on telling her then. I completely agree, and I hope we can work it out.

I went to my Therapy Gardenung Group on Friday. One of the helpers their said hello and asked if I was ok. I was not ok. I shook my head. He was really good and said we could go and sit outside instead of the poly tunnel. He asked if something had happen to trigger me. I said yes. He asked when. I said Tuesday. He asked when I had last seen my T, I said Tuesday morning. He asked if I had managed to have any contact with her this week, to check in... I said no. I said I had sent her an email but that she hadn't replied.

We talked about telling her how important it is going to be for me to feel I can have that support through the week too, even in just the smallest amount.

I said I was just grateful I could go there. He set me up outside on my own and together we planted some spring onions, then we went in and did some cutting back. By the end I was ok to sit around the table for refreshments.

I had basically given up on my T, even wrote to her (but not sent) saying that the whole not responding thing is cruel, especially when someone is quite obviously reaching out. How there are 10,080 minutes in the week, and to feel like I don't even matter enough to get 5 of those really hurts.

Then today, Sunday, out of the blue, she replies! The short, supportive, helpful kind of reply that I was looking for when I sent the email earlier in the week. She said there was obviously no charge for her short reply.

So, maybe we can work with that? But the timing needs sorting. I can wait... I'm not like I used to be so much, but that's a crazy amount of time to wait I think. By that point I had gone through all the different stages... The needing, the worry, the feeling alone, the not giving a crap, the walking out on therapy. To the point where I had totally forgotten what actually triggered me in the first place. And getting an email at that stage could just bring it all back up again.

So... If we can work on timings then that would be great.... If not.... Hmmm.... I guess I have to concede somewhere!!

So, I've now had five sessions with potential new T and it isn't feeling good. I still can't look at her. I still don't feel safe in the space. I'm still not sure if she is going to be able to provide what I need and I still don't feel like I can open up to her. I don't feel validated by her, in fact I feel insulted sometimes, though I don't think it's purposeful. I don't feel any level of connection with her. Bam. That's the Biggie right there. I don't feel any level of connection with her at all.

It felt hard with Ex T at the beginning... But there was a big difference... I'm just not sure how to explain it. Whilst it was hard, there was still a connection of some sorts, at some level. I think. I just didn't know if I was going to be allowed to have a connection with her. I didn't think I would be.

With Potential New T it just doesn't feel like there is anything there at all, yet. I'm not even sure I want there to be! Which could indicate that my Teenage One is around, rather than my Little One. Which could be a good thing.

But I'm so seriously tempted to go back to Temp T, because there was a connection there. I felt it. I felt like she understood me. I felt like she could meet me where I am at. I felt like she could be warm and caring and I felt like I could leave sessions feeling better than I did when I went in... But was I just feeling like that because she resonated with my Little One? Because she was like Ex T? Don't forget Ex T and I never could seem to work with my Teenage One. We were trying for a long time but it just wouldn't work.

And that, folks, is my dilemma.

Something about this post leads me to think that you should stick with potential new T a bit longer. If the connection with ex-T didn't allow for the Teenage One to come out then maybe the Teenage One needs something different -- not completely no connection but kind of no connection. Wondering if some emotional distance would allow facts to be stated regarding the trauma you have yet to share. Like maybe she could be the wall that you are able to talk at (not with nor to but at).

I keep imagining her as a literal wall that you graffitize the information you hold tight within. Or you talking on the phone to an anonymous support line with her on the other end. Something such that you are able to basically drop the bomb because that lack of connection might leave you with the feeling that you could walk away from her once she knows the information and never face her again.

At the same time, I know you need a place where you can feel safe when triggered and once shared; there's that pickle. You don't feel safe there yet. Would being angry - allowing the Teenage One be angry towards someone be helpful? Because that might also make this type of collaboration helpful. Without the type of connect you had with ex-T; you might be able to allow the Teenage One to express anger at your long ago past and your more recent past (losing ex-T - for her not being ex-T). My love for my T makes it hard to deal with things when there is anger with my T; when the anger is truly displaced anger or out of proportion anger.

They say connection is key. There's lots of different types of connections beyond the love a little one has for their parental like person. Often a teenager doesn't need that type of connection, but they do need to know their parental like person is in the room ready to listen when words do come out. Which does come back to the email thing a little. You were able to use other resources to get through; which is wonderful. Had you gotten the email from your potential new T prior to the gardening group; you might not have been able to be open with them and had that connection with them simply because the need would no longer be there. Yet as you said, you had to go through the cycle and that sucks and may leave the Teenage One not believing that the parental person is in the room with them.

I don't know, maybe I'm just spewing stuff out my ***. It all sounds plausible; even returning to temp T which you might end up doing after you tell the wall the story.

Sorry no answers.