[MoxieDoxie]

My T has started to grow his practice. He has hired two female therapists. One who lives in a different state, got her license for the state he is in and is doing Tele-therapy for him. He just hired another one for the office and saw him post on a therapy group page looking for therapist who are certified in either EMDR, IFS or both. He told me he is in the process of buying a building for his practice.

This is making feel like crap about myself. That I have not done enough in my life. That I should be striving for more. He is only in his mid 30's so his career has just begun. I liked it so much better when he just started his own private practice and he was new. I try to tell my parts that we did the best we could and I have been the most successful I have ever been. I am 55 and my husband said I can stop working at 59. I still feel like crap that I did not make more of myself. That I could not make it through college even though I tried 3x.

I am struggling with this and I pay out of pocket for him but he only charges me half his price. He did take insurance when I started with him and then a year later stopped taking any insurance and set his rate at $200. He started encouraging me to come twice a week again and I have been and I secretly wonder if it is because he needs extra money to buy this building. I know I should not think that way and he deserves his money as he has worked very hard to get where he is and is really good at what he does.

I know this is about me and not him. I am so attached to him if anyone has seen my posts over the past couple of years. That has not changed and I always felt I would empty my bank account to keep seeing him.

[Amyjay]

I decided for myself that if I was to strive for anything at all in life it should be inner calm, peace, and contentment. That is "success in life" for me.

[SprinkL3]

((((Safe Hugs Moxie Doxie))))

I'm 47 and feel similarly. I haven't been able to go to grad school, and my mental health is worsening. I'm basically on early retirement with my disability payments, but I would much rather have finished grad school and at least worked part time to leave behind some legacy.

When I see younger people - esp. when I saw younger T's - I'd feel bad about myself, too. I wondered where I went wrong, what I could have done better. I am currently feeling the midlife transitions and wondering if I'm in crisis mode at times - that is, midlife crisis stuff, even though I'm not married, but I do have FOO (family of origin) issues. It's not fair that the traumas we've experienced caused our PTSD, and dissociation, which in turn caused our related problems with higher education and employment. Being disabled is no fun, and being reminded of what we didn't accomplish does affect us.

You're okay feeling whatever you're feeling. You're not alone in your struggles and feelings.

As far as your T wanting to make money for his new building, it may be partly true. But that's not the only reason he wants to see you twice a week. If you struggle with PTSD and dissociation, it's common for T's to suggest twice a week. The not taking insurance part, however, is most likely about not getting paid as much because of changes or possible upcoming government shutdowns in December, January, or beyond. Living off of copayments only will not pay the bills, and that's likely what might happen if there's a government shutdown in the future with Medicare and Medicaid providers. For many reasons, providers choose to opt out of accepting Medicare and Medicaid, which sadly is the greatest population in need of psychotherapy and on disability. Medicare and Medicaid don't pay that much - at least not as much as if he were to charge without insurance. So it could partially be a reason to make extra money, and to self-care in that way.

Also, so many people are having mental health issues during this pandemic that there's a growing need for more and more psychotherapists! In fact, there may not be enough psychotherapists to help everyone. So, his expanding his business may be due to a calling - a communal need to fulfill that role, while also hiring and perhaps training others to help as many people as they can to help fulfill a community need. It's not fun to watch all these changes, but his heart might be in the right place.

I tend to question people's motives, too. I think we question people's motives because we were so hurt and traumatized in the past that the betrayal traumas conditioned us to always be on the alert for people's motives. We were likely used and abused, too, so we tend to think that we're being used and abused again.

You can always speak with your T about this. Friendly suggestion: first write what you want to say down on paper - and then rewrite how you want to say it. This way, you won't feel embarrassed or have it come out the wrong way, etc. Hopefully your T is understanding and comforting.

[Rive.]

It is difficult not to compare oneself with others.

That inner critical voice that puts you down sounds really harsh. Who does that voice remind you of? Or who told you these messages in your life? (no need to answer here, just maybe something to consider, or feel free to ignore this post)

[ArtleyWilkins]

Success for me has come down to a feeling a contentment. It certainly hasn't been about financial success. I'm a teacher, so my success is seen in very small points of light - one at a time - over the years. I'm a mother, and my success is in seeing our kids, now as valued, kind, strong adults.

Compare you to you. What are you content about in your own life? There you will find your successes.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm wishing you all the best, MoxieDoxie!